Chapter Nine:  Not Honest

Saturday October 20, 2012

Blaine pulled the shirt over Kurt’s head, gasping as his bare skin was exposed. Blaine stumbled backwards, bringing a trembling hand up to his mouth.

“Blaine,” Kurt began.

“T-take a shower,” Blaine interrupted. “I-I need to be alone.”

Without another word, Blaine exited the bathroom. The second the door closed behind him, he lost it. Hot tears poured down his cheeks and he fought for each breath. Blaine had known things were bad, but not this bad. Kurt had been slowly killing himself and Blaine hadn’t noticed. What kind of fiancé was he, to not notice Kurt suffering in silence? He had failed. Blaine pulled his robe on, tying it tightly around him. Then he collapsed on the bed, curling into a ball as his tears fell.

Blaine stayed that way until he heard the shower turn off. He sat up hastily, wiping at his tears. Blaine swung his legs off the side of the bed, staring at his hands. The bathroom door opened but still Blaine didn’t move his eyes from his hands.

“Blaine. . . .” Kurt said in a broken whisper. He didn’t know what to say, how to make things better. There was no way to make things better. Not now, not when things had gone this far.

“You lied,” Blaine said finally, keeping his eyes downcast. “I asked you again and again . . . and you lied. You kept lying.”

“Blaine-”

“How long,” Blaine asked, finally meeting Kurt’s gaze.

“Blaine, I’m sorry!”

“How long,” Blaine demanded, ignoring the apology.

“A month,” Kurt said softly, knowing he had no option but to answer.

Blaine drew in a shaky breath, ignoring his tears as they fell. He asked in a broken voice, “Why?”

Kurt slowly walked to Blaine’s side, sinking down next to him on the bed. Kurt longed to reach out for Blaine’s hand, but fear of rejection stopped him. Instead he gave Blaine what he wanted and answered, “Because no one can hurt me as bad as I can hurt myself.”

“Cassie?” Blaine asked knowingly.

“Partly,” Kurt replied.

Blaine turned to face him. “Let me see.”

Kurt bit his lip, wanting more than anything to say no, but he knew he couldn’t. Blaine didn’t deserve this. Kurt had put him through so much pain. The least he could do was give him what he asked for. Kurt got to his feet, untying his robe and letting the robe fall to the ground. Though he was hardly shy about being naked in front of his lover anymore, now Kurt felt overly exposed. He sat next to Blaine, fighting off the urge to cover himself. Blaine’s breath caught in his throat and he bit down hard on his bottom lip. Kurt reached up and removed his lip from in between his teeth, soothing it over with his thumb. Blaine grasped Kurt’s arm, careful to avoid his open wounds. He extended his arm and examined the damage Kurt had done to himself.

“Why did you keep this from me? Why did you lie?” Blaine asked as his eyes continued to sweep over Kurt’s skin.

“I couldn’t tell you,” Kurt said quietly.

Somehow knowing he wasn’t talking about his self-injury, Blaine asked, “Couldn’t tell me what?”

"That I gave up,” Kurt answered.

“You gave up,” Blaine repeated in disbelief.

“I’m sorry.”

“You should have told me.”

“I know.”

“You lied.”

“I know.”

“To me, to your father, to everyone,” Blaine continued. This time, Kurt didn’t reply. Guilt washed over him. Blaine didn’t speak either. Kurt slipped back into his robe, tying it tightly around him. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a long while.

“Please, say something,” Kurt pleaded after a while.

“You weren’t honest,” Blaine whispered. He raised his eyes to meet Kurt’s before he conveyed his emotions in the best way he knew how.

It must have been hard, staying in line;

Knowing your influences did it all the time.

It must have been strange, living in blue

And see me shut down as though

It was an easy thing to do.

But you could tell where I had been

By the way I held my gun.

Trying to write anything while being

Mocked by an offbeat drum.

But I was not honest.

I was not healthy.

Yeah, I was not honest, honest.

Blaine could not believe how stupid he had been. How had he not noticed? Now, looking back, all the signs pointed to the truth. Kurt had been hurting himself for a month and successfully kept it from everyone. Blaine had failed in the most horrible way possible. He had failed when Kurt needed him the most.

You did the right thing, covered your scars;

Challenged your faith

And closed your eyes driving cars.

For all that they knew you were safe home

But you went through hell

Whenever you were left alone.

Kurt had taken such lengths to hide his self-injury. He pulled away from everyone that loved and cared about him. Kurt was careful to hide his body so no one would notice his wounds. Finn and Rachel were so used to Kurt hiding his scars behind long sleeves that they hadn’t noticed the difference. But Kurt never hid his body away from Blaine, not ever. Kurt had been suffering and Blaine hadn’t noticed.

And you could see where I had been

From the pictures that they took.

I tried to look positive at things,

Faced myself but didn't look.

That was not honest.

I was not healthy.

I am not honest, honest.

Blaine hadn’t been completely blind. He knew something was wrong, but he never imagined things were this bad. Blaine trusted Kurt to come to him when he had an urge, but he hadn’t. Instead Kurt had given up and given in to his self-injury. And Blaine hadn’t seen it.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

There's no need to cling to unnecessary lies.

The voice in your head whose spirit you stole,

Left you for dead but you dug the hole.

Kurt was slowly killing himself, despite the fact that Kurt would never see that about his self-injury. It had kept him alive through all the bullying. Before he had met Blaine, when he was having suicidal thoughts, his self-injury was the only thing that kept him from acting. How could something that kept him alive be that bad? As hard as Blaine tried to make Kurt see the truth, he replaced it with his own.

And I can tell where you had been

From the marks around your wrists.

The red water washed around your sins

But are you as pure as this?

No, you are not honest.

You are not healthy.

You are not honest, honest.

You are not honest.

You are not healthy.

You are not honest, honest.

Blaine dissolved into tears once again. This time Kurt didn’t hold back, instead pulling Blaine into his arms. Blaine curled into his side, burying his face in the crook of Kurt’s neck. Hot tears splashed against Kurt’s skin and he held his fiancé even closer. Several minutes passed before Blaine finally pulled himself away.

“I can’t believe how stupid I was. This is my fault,” he said in a broken voice.

“What! Blaine, no! I was the one who kept it from you,” Kurt exclaimed. He couldn’t believe Blaine was blaming himself.

“I should have seen. I should have noticed,” Blaine sobbed.

Kurt cupped Blaine’s face in his hands, kissing away his tears. When he pulled back there were tears in his eyes.

“This is my fault. This was all me. But I’ll get help, I promise. I’ll go to therapy. I’ll get better,” Kurt swore.

“Will you just hold me?” Blaine asked, causing Kurt’s heart to break further.

“Of course,” Kurt said. “Just let me get dressed.”

“No, no clothes,” Blaine protested. “I want to feel you, all of you.”

“Okay,” Kurt consented with a nod, knowing they both needed the comfort of their bare skin pressed together.

He stripped off his robe as Blaine slipped out of his boxers. Together, they climbed under the sheets. Kurt pulled Blaine back until his back was pressed against Kurt’s chest. He held him tightly, pressing kisses to his shoulder.

“I love you,” Blaine said in a whisper.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered, “so much.”

“Forever?”

“Always.”

K/B

Sunday October 21, 2012

Blaine awoke as the sun rose to feel Kurt thrashing behind him. Blaine spun around, shaking Kurt gently to wake him. He should have known Kurt’s nightmares would be worse with Burt in the hospital.

“Kurt, wake up!” Blaine said firmly.

Kurt’s eyes flew open. He didn’t even take time to comprehend his surroundings before he was scrambling out of bed and hurrying towards the bathroom. Knowing immediately what he was about to do, Blaine leapt out of bed after Kurt. He grabbed him around the waist just as Kurt reached the doorway to the bathroom, tugging him backwards away from the door. Kurt fought against him.

“Let me go!” he cried.

“No, I’m not going to let you hurt yourself,” Blaine said. Kurt continued to struggle but Blaine wasn’t letting go. He managed to lift Kurt off his feet and carried him back to bed. Blaine pulled Kurt onto his lap, holding him tightly so he couldn’t escape. He said as soothingly as possible, “Calm down; just calm down, baby.”

Gradually, Kurt stopped trying to fight him off. He relaxed against Blaine, succumbing to tears. Blaine’s heart broke to see his fiancé like this. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s temple as he rocked him.

“You left me!” Kurt sobbed against Blaine’s bare chest.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Blaine assured him, knowing Kurt was talking about his nightmare.

“It hurts. Please, just let me fix it,” Kurt begged.

“No,” Blaine said immediately. “I’m not going to let you hurt yourself. You can get through this, Kurt. You’re not giving in this time. You’re strong. Don’t doubt yourself.”

Kurt continued to cry, hot tears splashing on Blaine’s skin. Blaine held him closer, rubbing his back comfortingly as he began to sing.

Unsure of yourself,

You stand divided now.

Which road will lead you there?

Last time, you fell and you hit hard.

Your wounds have healed by now;

But you still see your scars, yeah.

Blaine had been so hopeful that things would be different in New York. He thought the change would be good for Kurt. No more bullies, no small-minded Midwestern town. They would be free to be themselves. And though those things were true, Kurt’s depression was still there.

But it’s not the way it used to be, right now.

You’ve come so far to just let this go, my friend

Don't go out

The same way you did the last time.

You’ll break when you fall.

Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over.

You’ve got to believe in yourself, this time.

Blaine knew Kurt had given up but now that he was aware of that fact, he was going to help him find hope once more. Kurt had come so far before the move and now he was back where he started. But he was wiser than he had been as a junior in high school. Kurt had learned a lot over the past two years.

Live on, live it up today.

This life’s your cup.

So drink it up, I say, yeah.

Say it’s mine so give it all up to me now.

And walk that line; don’t let this go, my friend.

Don’t go out the

Now it was up to Kurt to put that knowledge to good use. Blaine would help him get through this. He would find Kurt a new therapist. Blaine would take whatever lengths necessary to get Kurt the help that he needed.

Same way you did the last time.

You’ll break when you fall.

Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over.

You’ve got to believe in yourself this time,

This time.

Life’s your cup; life’s your cup.

Drink it up.

Life’s your cup, yeah; life’s your cup, oh.

Kurt had made many mistakes over the past month, but Blaine would help him correct them. Kurt had to have hope above all else. If he didn’t believe in himself his chances of recovery lessened significantly.

The same way you did the last time.

You’ll break when you fall.

Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over.

You’ve got to believe in yourself this time.

The same way you did the last time.

You’ll break when you fall.

Don’t make the same mistakes you did all over.

You’ve got to believe in yourself this time.

The second Blaine was finished singing, Kurt’s lips were on his. They had barely kissed beyond a quick peck in the last month and now Kurt was ravishing his mouth as if he would never get another taste of Blaine. This kiss was not like their usual loving exchanges; this kiss was demanding and concupiscent. Blaine pulled away with a gasp, fighting for his breath. He gently pushed Kurt away when he attempted to follow him with his lips.

“Kurt, stop,” Blaine said breathlessly.

“I don’t want to,” Kurt protested, turning in Blaine’s lap so he was straddling him. “Please, make love to me.”

“I can’t, not after last night and your nightmare. I’d feel like I was taking advantage of you,” Blaine explained as Kurt’s face fell.

“But you won’t be,” Kurt assured him. “Please, I just feel so alone. Remind me that I’m not. Remind me that you’re still here.”

Blaine hesitated; Kurt saw this and moved closer to Blaine, kissing him slowly and tenderly. Blaine groaned, gently lowering Kurt to the bed. He knew this was what Kurt needed now. Kurt needed to know that he was loved unconditionally. Yes, Kurt had made mistakes the past month but Blaine forgave him and loved him still. He would always love Kurt, always.

K/B

The two lay curled together sometime later. Neither was in a hurry to move, though Kurt wanted to see his father. For now, he wanted to be able to forget the reason why they had returned to Lima. Loving Blaine had not only given him that but showed him he was loved; he was cared for; he wasn’t alone. They stayed wrapped around each other until a knock sounded at the door.

“Kurt? Blaine? Are you awake?” Carole’s voice drifted through the closed door.

“Yeah, we’re up,” Kurt called out, lifting his head off of Blaine’s chest.

“Come downstairs for breakfast when you’re ready and then we’ll head to the hospital. Your dad called; he’s being released today,” Carole said.

“We’ll be down soon,” Kurt told her.

Carole’s footsteps drifted off down the hall. Kurt laid his head over Blaine’s heart. Blaine wrapped his arms tighter around Kurt.

“I love listening to your heartbeat,” Kurt said softly.

“It belongs to you,” Blaine said with a smile.

Kurt smiled. “And you have mine.”

“Forever.”

“And always.”

Blaine smiled softly, reaching up to run one hand through Kurt’s hair, stopping to cup the back of his head. Kurt returned the smile, lowering himself down until their lips met in a sweet, loving kiss. Their lips moved together lazily. Unlike their earlier kiss, this one was delicate and unhurried. They continued to kiss slowly until another knock sounded at the door. This time Finn’s voice called out.

“Are you done having sex yet? Come eat!”

“We’ve been done having sex but if you don’t leave we’ll start again,” Kurt said. To prove his point (despite the fact Finn couldn’t see them through the closed door) Kurt lowered his mouth to Blaine’s neck. He nipped at Blaine’s pulse point, sucking hard at the skin, eliciting a loud moan from Blaine.

“All right, I’m going; I’m going!”

Kurt didn’t pull away from Blaine’s throat even after Finn’s footsteps retreated. Blaine writhed underneath him, his arms snaking over his back to grip at Kurt’s shoulders. When Kurt finally pulled back, Blaine protested, trying to pull Kurt back down. Kurt’s eyes widened as he took in the sight of his fiancé lying beneath him.

“Oops,” Kurt said, trying unsuccessfully to hide a smirk.

“You didn’t.” Blaine’s eyes narrowed.

“It was an accident, honest!” Kurt said defensively.

Blaine sprang up from the bed. Running into Kurt’s bathroom he stopped in front of the mirror. Where Kurt’s mouth had previously been attached to his throat, a dark bruise had formed. Blaine whirled around when Kurt appeared behind him in the mirror, gaping at him.

“Your dad is going to kill me!” he exclaimed.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kurt said in amusement. “We’re living together, sharing the same bed. It’s not like Dad doesn’t know we’re having sex.”

“Just because he knows doesn’t mean he wants to think about it,” Blaine said, remembering the awkwardness during their conversation the day before. Yes, Burt had assured him he could come to him about anything but that didn’t make it any easier to do so.

“It’s not that noticeable. Maybe he won’t even see it,” Kurt lied.

“Are you kidding me? It looks like I lost a fight with a vacuum cleaner,” Blaine said. He rubbed gently at the dark bruise with his thumb.

“Come on,” Kurt said. “It’ll be okay; I promise. After all, with what I have to tell Dad he’ll forget about anything else.”

Blaine sighed heavily, turning to face his fiancé. He took Kurt’s hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over the back of his hands. He began, “Kurt.”

“Please, don’t. I know I have to tell him and it’s going to be hard no matter what you say,” Kurt said dismally. “Let’s just get dressed, eat, and get this over with.”

Blaine nodded, knowing Kurt was right; there was nothing for him to say. Instead he placed a chaste kiss to his lips before they parted to get ready for the difficult day ahead of them.

K/B

“When are they releasing you?” Kurt asked, climbing up onto the bed beside his father. He leaned his head on Burt’s shoulder. Burt clasped Kurt’s knee, resting his head against Kurt’s for a second before straightening back up to answer the question.

“Around eleven I think,” Burt replied.

Kurt nodded his head sleepily, yawning widely.

“You tired, kiddo?” Burt asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep well,” Kurt answered honestly, knowing there was no way to avoid this conversation. Blaine would bring it up if he didn’t.

“Why not?” Burt questioned, a sinking feeling developing in his gut. Was he about to discover what was wrong with his son after months of worrying?

“Blaine and I got into . . . a discussion,” Kurt said awkwardly. He wouldn’t call what had happened a fight per se but he didn’t know what else to call it.

“A discussion?” Burt asked, shifting to look down at his son. Kurt reluctantly lifted his head from his father’s shoulder.

“I haven’t been telling the truth. I’ve been hiding something . . . from all of you,” Kurt said slowly.

“What’s going on, Kurt?” Burt asked worriedly.

“For the past month . . . I’ve been hurting myself,” Kurt admitted in a whisper.

“You’ve been hurting yourself for a month? Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me or Blaine or anyone?”  Burt pressed on.

“I couldn’t. I’m so sorry, Daddy,” Kurt said in a broken voice. He finally met Burt’s eyes and dissolved into tears at what he saw there. Disappointment reflected in Burt’s eyes. Kurt couldn’t take it. He slid off of the hospital bed, trying to block out the pain that was quickly overwhelming him. He said, “I’m sorry. I can’t . . . I just can’t.”

And before anyone could say another word, Kurt turned and ran out of the room.