Kurt adjusted the couch cushions, straightened the throw and made sure the cookies were placed in the most appetizing way on the plate. He had picked out a movie and a playlist for later. Dinner was cooking and his father and Carole were safely installed in their bedroom with enough crossword puzzles to last them a fortnight. Finn had a performance for glee club, so would be out for the evening. Blaine tended to just turn up these days, as he was there every evening anyway. It was the end of January, a Friday, so Kurt knew Blaine would be tired from a week of school and had planned the night accordingly.

His phone buzzed behind him and he reached for it, assuming it would be a text from Blaine saying he was on his way.

Hey, won’t be over tonight – Warblers are going bowling! –B

Kurt stared at the screen blankly. He had just assumed Blaine would turn up. He looked around the room that he had tidied and primped and plumped perfectly. He could smell the food in the kitchen, just enough for two. He had put together an outfit he had thought was particularly fabulous.

Kurt sat heavily on the couch, angry at the tears pooling in his eyes. Of course Blaine had school friends. Of course he would want to spend time with them. Just because Kurt only had Mercedes and Blaine, didn’t mean they only had him.

Kurt felt like he had been stood up on a date. He supposed that, from his emotional point of view, he had, even if Blaine didn’t know that. He brushed tears from his cheeks and tapped a reply to Blaine.

That’s ok. Have fun –K

It wasn’t ‘ok’. It most certainly wasn’t. Kurt knew his text message didn’t sound very enthusiastic, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was aware that he was being childish and irrational, but he felt angry and indescribably jealous. He envied the Warblers for having Blaine and Blaine for having the Warblers.

His mood only worsened when he remembered that Mercedes was singing in the same performance as Finn. She had been gushing about her solo to him the day before, but Kurt hadn’t really been listening. He was too busy planning this perfect evening with Blaine.

Usually his friend would have sent a text back by now and they would be engaged in cyber-banter. Kurt assumed he was too busy talking to the other Warblers to want to text him.

He knew he was being bitter, and it was a quality he honestly tried to avoid, but he couldn’t help it. Being in love with Blaine made him even more vulnerable, especially as the other boy had no idea what he did to Kurt. Kurt was so confused by Blaine. Sometimes he was sure he acted in a way that crossed the platonic line. There were gestures, like the constant touching and fingers tangled into hair that allowed Kurt to hope, however much he tried to stop himself. He’d let himself believe that Blaine was shivering because of Kurt’s breath on the nape of his neck, that he was blushing because he liked the way Kurt was teasing his fingers across Blaine’s skin. He wanted to think that Blaine pulled himself back so much because he wanted more.

Kurt rarely gave in to these thoughts. They were dangerous for him. If he let himself think them, he knew he wouldn’t be able to spend time with Blaine at all. It was like before they touched, when every second without skin-on-skin contact seemed drawn out to a painful degree. Now, every moment spent with Blaine when the other boy didn’t know that Kurt was in love with him felt far longer than it should. Their lips were constantly too close and Kurt almost couldn’t bear it.

He supposed he should be glad Blaine was spending an evening away from him. It would give Kurt time to clear his head. But no matter how much Kurt wanted to push Blaine away and get over him, he could only pull him closer. He had let himself hope too much over the last few days, which was why tonight had been so important. There were candles and love songs and the hope that he might press his lips to Blaine’s cheek. Then, if Blaine reacted the way Kurt had imagined, to his lips, his neck, anywhere Kurt was allowed.

But Blaine was going bowling with people Kurt would never meet. Kurt knew he wouldn’t work up the courage to say what he should after tonight.

He gave the food to his parents, snuffed out the candles and crawled into bed. It didn’t matter that it was still early and he knew he wouldn’t sleep for hours. He couldn’t think of anywhere else to go and he wanted one more night to be alone and imagine what could have happened.

---

Kurt had vowed to move past the night before, reasoning that Blaine had not knowingly done any wrong and should therefore be forgiven. He called the other boy that morning and was greeted with a slightly groggy ‘hello’.

“Hey, Blaine. I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“Uh…” Kurt heard Blaine flop over on his bed. “Yeah. But it’s okay. I should…” There was a yawn. “I should probably wake up.”

“Oh, so are you coming over today?” Kurt asked, mentally finalising his plans for their day.

“Um, no, actually,” Blaine replied, with an obvious edge of discomfort. “I…I have a date.”

Kurt’s fingers tightened around his phone. “A what?”

“A date. A coffee date, actually, with a guy I met before Christmas. He works at the GAP – you know, the one in…” Blaine continued speaking, now fully awake, but Kurt wasn’t listening. He was clutching his phone too tightly and willing himself desperately not to cry. This hurt. He had considered the possibility that Blaine might find a guy he liked, but Kurt had never wanted to think too hard on it because it was too painful. So this? This was an unprecedented amount of pain.

He wanted to say it right then. He wanted to shut Blaine up and tell him he loved him, regardless of how unromantic that was. He just wanted Blaine to know and stop talking about the guy who worked at the GAP and had really great hair.

“Kurt? Are you there?”

Kurt jumped. He hadn’t realised he’d been silent for so long. “Yes, sorry. Still here.”

“Are you okay? You sound kind of upset.”

“No, I’m fine. Just a bit tired, you know? Up late with Mercedes last night.” He wasn’t quite sure why he lied. Maybe he didn’t want Blaine to think he had been crying in his room into the early hours, despite how true that might be.

“Oh, God, I understand. Bowling was crazy last night. Ah, I haven’t told you yet! Wes did this insane thing with…” And he was off again, telling Kurt every detail of a night he had longed to be a part of, oblivious of the pain he was causing. Kurt eventually made some excuse about Carole calling him and managed to get Blaine off the phone.

He was feeling bitter again. It was almost becoming a habit. He hated his body for making him love Blaine against his will. If he wasn’t a faerie, he could still be Blaine’s friend and not be jealous of men he did not know because they were having coffee with Blaine. If he wasn’t a faerie, he wouldn’t be stuck in his house alone while his only two friends spent time with other people.

I’m pathetic. He couldn’t go out and make other friends. He was left clinging to five people who had lives of their own that couldn’t always revolve around Kurt.

He had a wild moment when he considered going out and grabbing someone’s hand in the street just so there would be another person in his life. He hurriedly pushed that thought away. There was no point in connecting with someone who wouldn’t want to know him and leaving himself emotionally destroyed.

His phone buzzed again. He considered not looking at it, but his curiosity got the better of him.

I can come over tonight if you want me. Tell you all the date details! I’m kind of nervous – B

‘If you want me.’ Blaine really had no idea.

Kurt was not thrilled by the thought of Blaine recounting every second of his date with The Gappy Bastard. It would undoubtedly be perfect. What if they kissed?

Kurt was starting to feel sick.
He tapped out a reply to the other boy, knowing he had to be a good friend, regardless of the ripping feeling in his chest.

Don’t be nervous. You’re amazing. He’s going to love you. –K

---

Blaine started speaking the moment Kurt opened the door. “Oh my God, Kurt, it was amazing. He’s so beautiful and his eyes are like starlight and I think I’m in love.” He kicked off his shoes as Kurt closed the door, reminding himself to breathe deeply and not cry or yell at Blaine. “He’s so mature, you know? And he bought my coffee for me.” Blaine pushed his friend towards the living area and sat him down on the couch, looking at him with bright eyes and flushed cheeks. Kurt wished that he had been the one to cause that expression. “Did I tell you how we met?” Blaine continued, tapping his hands on his knees in his excitement.

“Yes. Several times.” Kurt’s voice a little too dry, a little too sarcastic, but Blaine didn’t notice.

“He was folding sweaters—”

“I know.”

“—and I never knew someone could fold sweaters beautifully, but he manages it.”

Kurt sighed, resigning himself to Blaine recounting the story for the third time – he had already told it twice on the phone that morning. Blaine was buzzing, unable to keep still. He kept grabbing Kurt’s hands to emphasise points and the contact made Kurt’s heart flip every time. He tried to tell himself that it wasn’t a sign, that Blaine was excited about a date with another boy and there was no reason to feel that way, but his body never listened.

Eventually, Blaine started to mention his other friends, what their reactions had been when he had told them. Blaine had decided early on that he couldn’t talk about Kurt much to his school friends. They were the kind of people who would insist on meeting the elusive boy and that was where the problems started. They had heard of Kurt in passing, when Blaine couldn’t stop himself from repeating something the other boy had said, but they didn’t know how deeply attached the pair were to each other. For some reason, that made Kurt more jealous. These boys knew the Blaine Anderson who was unburdened by the secret of the faerie who lived in Lima. Kurt had never asked Blaine not to mention them. He knew he had no right to make Blaine forget that part of his life while he was with him. However, Kurt was fragile. Blaine had crushed him one too many times that day.

“Blaine, can you stop talking about all these other people you want to spend time with and just go spend time with them?”

Blaine froze, his brow crinkling. “I…what? What are you talking about?”

“Do you really have to rub it in my face how many friends you have? I get that I’m not the only person you know. I do. But do you have to do this?”

“But, Kurt, I was just—”

Kurt shifted away from Blaine. “If you don’t want to spend time with me any more, just tell me. I get that it’s hard for you to be one of my only two friends, but—”

“Kurt, what are you talking about?” Blaine seemed utterly nonplussed by Kurt lashing out at him. He tried to reach out a hand to the other boy, but it was slapped away.

“You!” Kurt threw his arms up in the air. “You just swan off and spend all your time with other people, leaving me here.”

“Kurt…it’s been two days since I saw you. Barely even that. And you were with Mercedes yesterday.”

“Oh, Blaine, don’t be stupid. I lied because I don’t want to seem as pathetic as I am.”

There was silence for a minute and Kurt shifted uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at the boy beside him. He started to pull at the ends of his shirtsleeves, trying to bring them further over his hands. Blaine watched him with wide, pained eyes.

“Why do you think you’re pathetic?” He didn’t shout back. His voice was low and sad and Kurt kept his the same.

“Because I have no-one. My family, Mercedes, you. You’re the only people I know. And you have lives outside of my own, but when you live them it hurts me.” Kurt tipped his head back, blinking tears out of his eyes. He refused to cry one more time over this boy, at least for today. “I can’t have that. I can’t go out and spend time with other people.”

“So you want me to spend all my time with you?”

“No, that would be ridiculous—”

“You don’t want me to have other friends?”

“Blaine, no, I—”

“Because that’s what you seem to be saying to me, Kurt. I understand that being this way is hard for you, but you’re right: I do have a life outside of the time I spend with you. I have school, I have the Warblers, I have other friends, I have my family. And for you to get angry with me for spending a little bit of time with them is, frankly, really selfish.” Blaine was rolling on his anger and he knew he should stop, but he had so much built up frustration from Kurt being oblivious to his feelings that he couldn’t hold himself back. “So you’re connected to me. Fine. I’m not connected to you. You have to remember that.”

Blaine stood up and practically ran from the house, leaving Kurt sitting alone on the couch. Kurt stared after him, fingers frozen as they gripped the fabric of his cuffs, replaying the words in his head.

I’m not connected to you.