CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2

BLAINE

The weather was, indeed, slightly warmer just as the weatherman had predicted. It was strange for New York to have temperatures over 50 degrees in December but I wasn't complaining. Rather than bundling up in my warmest of coats, I stood outside of Buona Notte in Little Italy in a canvas jacket over my plaid button up and jeans with cognac-colored boots kicking the sidewalk as I waited for my best friend from high school and his girlfriend, andmy boyfriend.

Kurt decided for us to meet in Little Italy since Lauren was coming over from Brooklyn and it was one of the first stops off the Q in Manhattan. Not to mention the fact that good food was around every corner in this neighborhood and who didn't love a good plate of pasta?

The past week had been riddled with me lost in my thoughts yet trying to stay focused on work. Things were going well in the studio and I was becoming closer with Jeremy and the guys in the band. Most of the nights this week, we would all go to get food after we wrapped in the studio and it was nice to have something to distract me while Kurt worked.

I had only seen Kurt once this week – the week back from Thanksgiving being busy for both of us – so I was really thankful that he and I had an established date night to look forward to. I hadn't expected it to be crashed by Wes and Lauren, but I didn't really mind.

I was afraid to be left alone with Kurt if I was being honest. Well, that wasn't really true. I was afraid to be alone with Kurt in an Italian restaurant where re-imagining Lady and the Tramp was a possibility and things could come blurting out of my mouth in a moment of utter cuteness. If I was being truthful with myself, I still wasn't 100% sure about where my feelings lie but I knew enough that it was probably too early for me to admit aloud to Kurt exactly how much I thought about him.

The insecurities and doubts lingering from the few relationships I had were rearing to a head – and during the worst time of year. Christmas was generally a time where people seem to be in love everywhere you go. At least this year I actually had a boyfriend during the holiday season. But we were still new in our relationship so it was confusing to know exactly what the protocol was regarding the holidays.

I suppose that would be the case for most holidays; trying to figure out if you should have your new boyfriend as your +1 to parties, whether or not you mention them to the family on Christmas morning, what you should get them for Christmas.

Crap. What am I supposed to get Kurt for Christmas?

Ugh.

I groaned out loud as I thought about it. As if I didn't over-analyze things enough, now I had to add this to the list of things I needed to sort out sooner rather than later. And how would I even bring up the subject of exchanging presents with him? And was he going home to Ohio for the holidays? Should I propose that we meet up or something?

And here I thought having a boyfriend at Christmas would be nice for a change.

"Hey Blaine!" I heard Wes say as I quickly tried to fix a smile on my face. I was thankful for Wes' interruption primarily because my mind was about to go down a very negative path and I didn't want negativity to quell my date with Kurt, Wes and Lauren.

"Hey!" I exclaimed as I saw Wes and Kurt walking toward the restaurant. Wes was a step or two ahead of Kurt, effectively hiding my boyfriend behind him denying me a glance at him from afar. As Wes approached, he shook my hand and pulled himself in to clap me on the back – the official "bro hug."

He stepped back, leaving room for Kurt to give me a hug. "Hi," Kurt said with a small smile and I pulled him in quickly for a hug, eager to linger in his embrace and the warmth and radiance that wasKurt. I latched my arms around his shoulders and his went around my waist and I swear I could feel him pulling us closer at the hips. Not that I was complaining, but he needed to be careful with that because who knows what would... pop up. This was Kurt we were talking about and I already had a hard enough time resisting him. Situations like our hips flush together would not help. Especially not in the presence of his roommate and my high school friend. That would get uncomfortable quickly.

Instead of thinking aboutthat, I focused on how he made me feel when I hugged him. The essence of Kurt was everywhere but I realized that hugging him made me happier than I could have thought. Who knew something so simple would make me feel so much? "I missed you," I uttered and immediately slunk back, afraid that my whispered musings would terrify him.

If they did he didn't let on, since he replied, "I missed you too." He quickly leaned in for a kiss on my lips and I reveled in the slightest touch of my lips against his. The kiss couldn't have lasted more than a second or two, but it was almost enough to sate me for the rest of the week. God, I couldn't get enough of his lips.

"We're just waiting on Lauren," Wes noted as Kurt and I separated ourselves from each other, still latched with our fingers finding their rightful place with the others as my palm warmed his.

I smiled as I looked down at our hands. "I'm okay waiting," I said.

"It shouldn't be too much longer. She just texted me and said she was on her way over here from the station, so it should be..."

"Less time than you'd think," Lauren said, interrupting her boyfriend. At the sound of her voice, Wes turned to her – giving Kurt and I a view of his profile – and the smile that adorned his face was enough to light the entire street. I don't think I'd ever seen Wes be so incredibly geekily happy in my life and it was rather adorable.

"They're so cute," Kurt whispered to me as Wes and Lauren hugged. I chuckled in agreement as Wes kissed Lauren on the cheek. Lauren's smile was about as bright as Wes' and she blushed as Wes' lips touched her cheek. It really was rather adorable for two grown adults to be so damn cute.

"Shall we go in?" Wes asked, reaching for the door. Lauren nodded and slid into the restaurant as Wes held open the door, Kurt and I following close behind.

Kurt and I squished a bit so we could both go through the wide door at the same time and I stilled as I felt the back of Kurt's hand swipe my thigh a little close to the crotch as he stepped ahead of me through the door.

"Sorry," he said blushing a bit as he realized his hand had come in contact with somewhere on my pants, probably not realizing that he had nearly touched me with the back of his handthere.

"It's okay," I replied quickly, and squeezed his hand reassuringly, trying to stave off the sensation of Kurt's hand against my leg.

"I saw that," Wes whispered in my ear as he walked past us, letting the door shut behind him. My ears immediately flushed pink and Wes chuckled softly.

I laughed in embarrassment, causing Kurt to turn toward me. "What you two up to?" he asked, curiosity getting the best of him.

Wes shrugged and I couldn't help but do the same – hoping Wes wouldn't point out that Kurt's mishap nearly ended with him unintentionally feeling me up with the back of his hand in front of the family of four that was waiting to be seated.

Kurt didn't press it further and simply rolled his eyes as we approached the hostess to be seated. She pulled out four menus and brought us to a cozy booth in the back of the restaurant; Lauren sliding in on one side with Wes following close behind, ensuring that Kurt and I were sitting on the same side of the booth as our menus were presented to us.

I shrugged off my coat and stowed it in the space between the wall and me. I noticed Kurt unbuttoning his own gray coat. "Do you want me to take it from you?" I asked.

"If you don't mind," he replied as he stood to take off his jacket, probably to make sure that he didn't accidentally hit me again since we had limited space in the booth.

When he stood up, I was granted a wonderful view and I couldn't help but hear Wes chuckle in the background as I took in the sight of Kurt. He was wearing fewer layers than normal – probably due to the warmer weather – and his fitted blue jeans held his light blue oxford in place with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. I couldn't see much of his arms, but what I could see was defined since the oxford was a bit more fitted than how most men wore this type of shirt. It also didn't hurt that I could see the muscles move rhythmically under his shirt, leaving my mind to wander in the many ways Kurt's muscles would move as he did most things, pick up a pen, fold his clothes, wrap his arms around me, touch his—

"Here you go," he said as he held the coat in front of me as he was back in his place in the booth.

"Uh, thanks," I uttered as I awkwardly shoved his folded coat on top of mine, willing my mind to retreat into less sexually charged places. The one annoying thing about being a guy is the way that our minds tend to go from zero to horny in seconds flat. Maybe it wasn't true for all guys, but it was certainly true for me. And dating Kurt had only made the problem a bit more... frequent. "What are you guys going to get?" I asked as I deferred attention away from the fact that I was just openly ogling my boyfriend in public. Wes snickered, which meant he had caught me, as Lauren and Kurt flipped open the menu to decide on their meal for the evening. I was thankful he had been the only one to notice - that could have been embarrassing.

...

The evening passed by quickly and slowly at the same time, if that's possible. The conversation was cheery but filled with nostalgic moments and lots of "remember that time when," and "oh have you heard from so-and-so" sporadically thrown in. Lauren and Wes seemed to have a comfortable banter established between them as they sat nestled against each other in the booth. Wes' arm was draped lazily on top of the booth behind Lauren with his hand drooping softly at Lauren's shoulder, grazing her shirt with his fingertips. They weren't facing each other but every so often when the other was talking, they would look at them and smile. You could tell just by looking at them that they were a couple and they were very much into each other. It really was sweet.

Kurt and I were seated closely but the lingering touches our friends had wasn't mirrored with our actions. Kurt sat with his legs crossed under the table and his left hand slotted between us with his pinky heating the side of my thigh with its presence. I sat with my left hand holding my head up and my right in my lap after the meal had concluded. I still loved holding hands with Kurt, but wasn't feeling bold enough to reach out and grab his hand next to mine in the seat.

In my mind I was afraid that I was going to push him away by being too clingy and one way to do that would be by us holding hands or being overly handsy. Kurt didn't seem to be really into PDA in general aside from hand holding and kissing on occasion, but so far he hadn't been the kind of guy to want a lot of physical touch. He didn't seem uncomfortable with it per se but he had never really been the one to initiate it in public.

It was true that he and I had held hands before, had kissed plenty of times and had hugged more times than I could remember. But so few of these things were done in public and hardly any of them occurred in the presence of another couple. The only other time it had been remotely like that was at Santana and Brittany's engagement party. I think the main reason I felt so bold there was because Santana made me confront the issue, and I was also feeling the love from one of my favorite couples radiating through my actions.

The conversation Wes had started – something about a new café that he and Lauren had found last week – was abruptly cut short when Wes jumped in his seat. Quirking my brow at his reaction, I realized that his phone vibrating in his pocket had startled him. He glanced at the screen and looked at us – but mostly Lauren – apologetically. "I'm sorry, but this is one of the partners and I'm assisting him on a case that he's presenting on Monday and I guess he—"

"Well, answer the phone then," Lauren interrupted. He smiled and stood up from the table, quietly dismissing himself to step outside to talk to his boss.

As Wes jogged outside with the phone to his ear, Kurt also stood from the table. "I'll take this opportunity to powder my nose so to speak," he chuckled as he made his way toward the other side of the restaurant where the bathrooms were.

I smiled as I watched his retreating form. It didn't matter what Kurt was doing, I couldn't help but be captivated by him.

"So, Blaine," Lauren said, effectively shifting my attention to her. "How have you been?"

"Good," I replied. "Busy, but good. How about you? Do you miss working at The Bell House?"

She shook her head. "Nah. I knew it was a temporary thing anyway, though I do miss getting free drinks on the regular."

I chuckled. "I can understand that."

She snorted. "Please, as if you ever paid for a drink on my watch."

"WellnowI have to pay for drinks!" I exclaimed, causing Lauren to giggle. "But I guess you leaving was worth it to see you so happy."

"Yeah," she said dreamily, her eyes glazed over, as she seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

I looked out to Wes who was still chatting on the phone outside, but who had snuck a look at his girlfriend through the window, a smile spreading across his face. His eyes shifted toward me and I winked, causing him to blush furiously and shuffle a bit down the sidewalk to avoid my stare.

I chuckled as I turned back to Lauren who was still in La-La Land. "You guys are really happy aren't you?"

She smiled. "Me and Wes?" I nodded; who else would I have been talking about? "Yeah. We haven't been together long but I know that he's just... really great. And he's made me feel more... just more. More than I have about any guys I have in the past." She paused to take a sip of her drink. "I didn't date a lot, but I've never felt this giddy and giggly about any guys in the past – crushes, dates, boyfriends or otherwise. I think..." she started, looking hesitantly at the door. She leaned in closer and I did the same. "I think I love him."

"Have you told him?" immediately popped out of my mouth, slightly afraid that I had crossed some sort of boundary since Lauren and I weren't exactly good friends.

She shook her head furiously. "No, definitely not. I haven't dated in forever; I don't know how that works. But I'm afraid to scare him off by saying something like that when we've only known each other for a month or so."

"I hear that," I uttered, barely above a whisper.

"What does that mean?" she asked.

I sighed. "I'm afraid of scaring guys... well, Kurt... off by being too, I don't know, forthcoming? Is that even the right word? It's happened before." She looked at me curiously, so I elaborated. "I tend to come on... strong I guess. With guys – especially gay guys, from my experience – commitment is not something that comes easy for us. But I'm not like most guys in that respect. I tend to be affectionate and want to commit earlier than most would. At least that's my past experience. And I really don't want to mess things up with Kurt because he's so..." I didn't want to elaborate but Lauren just nodded in agreement, as if I didn't need to explain further. "I don't want to make him uncomfortable or come off too strong. But how you feel so much more with Wes, that's how I feel with him."

She smiled at my admission, but I just shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I hadn't even admitted all of this aloud to anyone, and here I was sharing it with Lauren. "I don't know why I told you that," I admitted.

She laughed. "It's the bartender in me lingering even though I don't do that anymore. I make people feel comfortable I guess."

I snorted. "I guess."

"I don't know much about Kurt and how he is in relationships, but I can tell you what I know about him from high school and what I've witnessed now." I looked at her, encouraging her to continue. "Kurt was always different than other guys in high school. He was feisty and curt on occasion, but deep down he was incredibly affectionate and caring. That has only increased as he's grown from what I can tell. He always has a kind word for anyone who deserves it and he does his best to seek out the best in everyone. It's hard when people are total assholes, but Kurt will still defend and protect them even if they don't always deserve it. Kurt is very intentional with everything he does and says and he doesn't take anything lightly, but everything he does, he does it for a reason. And I'm sure there's a reason that he started going out with you and the fact that he refers to you as his boyfriend." I blushed as she admitted that he had called me his boyfriend. Sometimes I feel so undeserving of such a wonderful title as Kurt Hummel's boyfriend, but I'll take it.

"So you said that you're not like most guys when it comes to relationships. From what I've witnessed, neither is Kurt." I smiled. Kurt definitely wasn't like most guys – which is the reason I was falling for him so quickly. "But he's worth whatever you're feeling." I nodded in agreement, Kurt was worth so much more than I could fathom.

But I wasn't expecting the next thing she said.

"Do you love him?"

I stared at her, slightly stunned. I felt my mouth open and shut without a sound, but before I knew it, my heart was starting to speak before my brain could stop it. "I—"

KURT

"Sorry about abandoning you guys like that," I said as I approached the table. Blaine and Lauren jumped slightly at my presence, but I realized I had just interrupted their conversation. That probably accounted for the abrupt halt to their conversation. "And I'm sorry about interrupting," I directed at Blaine since he was the one speaking as I arrived at the table. "What did I miss?"

"Blaine and I were just talking about the warmer weather," Lauren stated. I looked over to Blaine who silently nodded his head in agreement.

"You sure like to talk about the weather," I said as I nudged Blaine's shoulder. He chuckled delicately and looked up at me, his eyes giving off a softness that I hadn't seen before. I knew Blaine's eyes were stunning but they somehow gave off a different vibe than they had whenever I glanced at him before tonight.

"I can't help it," he said. "Having warmer weather in December is practically unheard of."

I giggled. "You're lucky I like you, otherwise I would think you were always trying to make small talk with everyone about boring things like the weather."

He gave a small smile and averted his eyes to the table. He had been acting somewhat shy all night and I didn't quite understand why. He might have been stressed about work or our double date so he was probably just thinking a lot about something. He didn't even hold my hand when we were eating. Not that I needed him to or anything, it just seemed unlike him. I couldn't quite read his every move but I knew that he really liked physical affection.

I liked physical affection too, but I was still a little leery of PDA after dating William and growing up in Ohio. Some things just become engrained I guess.

I wasn't going to question the lack of his hand in mine, but I did miss it. I missed him being affectionate; hugging me with his arm lying on the small of my back more than I expected to. It was nice; it made me feel wanted and cared for in a way I hadn't experienced before. And seeing Lauren and Wes with their small touches made me jealous.

Their adoration for each other was palpable in everything they did and it was sickeningly sweet. But if two people were deserving of love, it was Wes and Lauren.

And yes, itwaslove. Even if they hadn't admitted it to each other I was privy to their feelings for the other. Lauren hadn't told me yet but I could read the girl like a book. She tended to be emotionally reserved like I was, which only meant that I could understand what she was feeling more than she realized. The way she smiled at Wes all the time, how she mentioned him in our conversations even when he wasn't involved in the slightest, the way she would squirm when he would text or call her; it was a sight to be seen. Given that Wes was thinking about getting her a ring and had told me so, I knew the same was true for him.

I had spent the last day thinking about what I felt about Blaine. The sweet man that was sitting next to me in the booth was a truly wonderful guy and I knew that even though we had only been together for a month, that I already cared about him more than I had with any other guy. He wasn't afraid to show me how much he cared in return and that was new for me.

The questions I thought about when Wes and I were shopping had lingered overnight, but somehow things seemed to make a little more sense when I was actuallywithBlaine. I didn't necessarily have a way to categorize what it was that I felt – that much hadn't changed – but I knew that when I was with him in person, I justcravedhim. I wanted to feel his hand, the reassuring presence of his warmth next to me, the musical sound of his laughter mixing with mine.

So, yes, attraction was at the root of what I felt for Blaine. I mean – hello! – the man ishot; no one could disagree. But it was more than that; I knew that now. It wasn't just lust. It wasn't just friendship. It wasn't just attraction. It wasmore.

Maybe it was "the L-word." But I didn't want to say it until I was really sure. I didn't even want to say the word to myself until I knew. I was still hoping it would hit me like a bolt of lightning and I would just know for sure, but until then I just knew Blaine wasmore.

"Earth to Kurt," Wes said as he shook the table in front of me. Apparently I had zoned out and missed the fact that my roommate had rejoined the group.

"Sorry," I said, mind returning to the group. I looked over at Blaine who had a puzzled look on his face. I reached out to the hand in his lap and reassuringly took it in my own and smiled at him. He beamed in reply and I knew that I had done the right thing. Seeing that dazzling smile on his face made me feel like goo on the inside and I definitely could get used to the feeling.

"The check has been taken care of, so how about we blow this Popsicle stand," Wes suggested.

"Please tell me you did not pay for everyone," I said, glaring at him.

He shrugged in reply and Blaine laughed. "He still does that?" my boyfriend questioned.

I nodded. Apparently he had done this in high school too based on Blaine's reaction. "It's annoying how he's like a ninja and assumes that he needs to pay for the check when clearly we can fend for ourselves."

"I can't vouch for you gentlemen, but I expect to be pampered," Lauren rebutted.

"I can manage that," Wes said softly, causing Lauren to blush and Blaine and I cooed over them. They shifted slightly with discomfort at our attention to their cuteness, but they got over it quickly when I pulled Blaine out of the booth by our joined hand.

"You guys are pretty cute too," Lauren decided as she grabbed her purse and jacket from the booth.

Blaine had our coats in his hand and he relinquished my hand to help me into my jacket. The gentlemanly gesture was adorable and slightly over the top in my opinion, but I loved it. He quickly shoved his jacket on and replaced his hand in mine again. I smiled as I looked down at our hands and looked back up at him, seeing a grin of his own shining on his face.

"I suppose we are," I noted as we left the restaurant hand-in-hand.

I may not have been ready to say - or acknowledge - those three words yet but if things continued this way and I kept feeling this strongly about Blaine, I knew I would be soon.

Verysoon.