I slam the door shut behind me and throw my stuff in a corner. “Aaaaaargh!” Screaming before breaking down in tears. I fall down on the floor, hitting the tiles with my fists. Why? Why? Why? Why?! I curl myself up on the floor, pulling up my knees and cry uncontrollably. A mess on the floor.

Can I please disappear now?
Can I please die?

My phone rings but it sounds really distant, my ears block it out. I feel like I’m drowning, falling away in the darkness that’s overtaking me.

*

“Kurt!” a loud banging on my door wakes me up. I find myself still lying on the floor. My whole body feels cold from being on the tiles. How much time had passed? “Kurt.” His voice sounds desperate but I ignore it. Not moving. Not making any sound. If I stay quiet enough, he’ll believe I’m not inside. “Kurt! Open up...please. You can’t do this.” He cries, I hear soft thumping with each time his hand hits my door. I feel my heart break some more but I stay on the floor, staring at the door, waiting for him to leave. I crawl to the corner of the room and pull my knees up, hiding my face in my hands. I try to block out his pleads but fail. I close my eyes and quietly rock myself.

*

“Kurt?”

I blink a few times, trying to focus my vision. I’d fallen back asleep. How long had I slept? How long had it taken for Blaine to give up? Why do I feel hurt about the fact he’d given up eventually? That’s what I wanted him to do, right? Argh! What a mess! I’m a mess!

“Kurt?” Rachel again. I sigh. “You can’t hide in there forever.” She continues.

I drag myself to the door and open it. Her eyes show worry and she was barely able to hide the shock on her face when I opened the door. The moment I see her, however, I burst into tears. She grabs my arms and pulls me in for a hug. I struggle for just a second but give in and grip onto her firmly before crying uncontrollably. She leads me inside, closing the door behind her. I find my way to the bed and curl up into foetus position, tears still rolling off my face. I hear Rachel shuffle through my flat, putting on the kettle, taking two cups out of the cupboard and putting them down on the counter. Every noise in the room sounds too loud. Is it possible to feel hung over without having drunk anything? I wipe my eyes and sit up. I look at Rachel and she shoots me a supportive smile.

“Can you do me a favour?” I ask, my voice sounding hoarse. She nods. “Check my phone and delete all the messages Blaine sent me?”

She frowns but grabs my phone. “Kurt...are you sure?” she whispers.

“Please. Just do it.”

She sighs. “Done.” She says, putting my phone on the table. She grabs both cups off the table and sits next to me on the edge of my bed. “What happened?” she whispers, handing me one of the cups. I sip it. The hot liquid fills my insides, making me feel a little bit better.

“How did you even know?” I frown.

“Blaine.” She mumbles, “He called me and said he thought you could use a friend.” She looks at me, measuring my reactions, “What happened?”

“I think I ended it.” I sigh, looking down at my cup, letting her have a moment to gasp. It was now, that the words came from my mouth, that I realized what I did and I feel sick. I swallow roughly and push back the tears. It’s for Blaine’s own good is what I keep telling myself.

“Why?”

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m not as stupid as I look like, Kurt.” She smiles, placing her hand on mine in a comforting way.

“He’s too good for me, Rach.” I sigh. “And don’t tell me different. It won’t change my mind. He deserves better than me. I’m broken and even he can’t fix me. I tried to believe that he could. I wanted to believe it but... I’m too messed up.”

“Do you really think breaking up with him will make him happier than being with you?”

I sigh. “Maybe not right now. But in time he’ll realize it.” I can see by the look on her face she’s disagreeing but she keeps it to herself. She can’t change my mind anyway.

-

When sunshine hits my face, I wince, not knowing what time of the day it is, not realizing what was happening around me. “Get up Kurt! I’m not letting you skip another day of school over this.” Rachel says, pulling the curtains open.

“Meeh, Rachel.” I turn around, covering my head.

“Stop running, Kurt. You’ll need to face him at some point. Better now, you know, the short kind of pain.”

If only she knew there doesn’t exist such a thing as ‘short pain’ when it comes to love.