I walk through the halls, for once feeling confident. Life has been good lately. I have amazing friends and a lovely boyfriend. Speak of the devil, he’s looking particularly good today.

“Hey Anderson!” I call him from the other side of the hall. He turns to me, a smile appears on his face. Pecking his lips. “Nice bowtie you got there.” I smile.

“You think? It’s a present from a friend.” He says.

“Oh that person must be great.” I chuckle, nuzzling his nose.

“Hmmm not really, but I couldn’t turn it down, could I?” he chuckles.

I glare at him, punch his arm and give him my cheek as he tries to kiss me. He gives me the biggest pouting face in the history of pouts and I curse his name for being so cute. I look at him with a tender smile, admiring the boyish innocence he has over him, without being aware of it himself. Not many people see it because they don’t look under the surface but I’ve learnt how to see it. I grab his hand.

“Kurt, I lied to you...I got this bowtie from my amazing boyfriend.” He smiles.

“Oh...do tell me about him, he sounds incredibly interesting.” I wink.

“Well...to start with, he’s got a great ass.”

I should’ve seen this coming. “You’re impossible.” I snort, feeling my cheeks burn. The bell rings and I look at him. “Are we still on for coffee tonight?” I question.

He nods. “Do you...want to stay over at mine, afterwards?” he asks in a sort of whisper, and I notice how he’s avoiding eye contact and a soft tinge of pink is showing on his cheeks.

“If you want.” I say and I feel my heart skip a beat when our eyes meet, excitement written in his eyes.

“I...er...okay, I’ll see you later then.” He whispers, stammering a bit. I nod and after a quick smooch we both run to our class.

-

I smile at him before sipping my coffee. Who would’ve expected us to be sitting here, in love? I think that out of all people, I the least had. We sit in silence, enjoying each other’s company. I I know that I am falling deeply in love with him, each day more and more. There’s no doubt about it.

I just can’t believe that a guy like him would actually like me back. A guy who looks at me like I’m the only one. It feels very weird, scary even. My whole life people made me feel like I wasn’t worth being loved, like I wasn’t worth anything because of who I was as a person. And here I am, having found someone who loves me for me.

I snap out of my train of thoughts when I feel him grab my hand, his soft, warm skin touching mine, sending tingles down my spine. “What’s on your mind?” he whispers.

I smile. “You.”

“You’re amazing,” he says in an admiring tone, and leans in towards me.

I move to meet his lips halfway, but instead I end up head butting him and falling into him. My stomach hits the table and I nearly knock everything over as I have received a violent push in the back.

“Hey!” Blaine yells at the stranger, his hands gripping my sides and helping me up,” Kurt, are you okay?” he asks, concerned. I nod, ignoring the ache in my body. “What is your problem?!” Blaine snaps at the guy’s back.

He turns, yelling. “Fag!” and walks on.

Blaine rolls his eyes. “Ignorant, small minded idiot. I bet he was raised by pigs! No, that’s an insult to the pigs.” He rambles and he turns to me, “Are you okay?”. I nod absentminded, running my fingers around the rim of my glass, his words echoing in my mind. Blaine might be able to shrug it off and act like the bigger person… but I’m not.

“Don’t let him get to you, Kurt.” He says, noticing I’m upset. I meet his eyes and force a smile on my lips. And for the first time, since we got together, it’s a dishonest one.

He leans in again to kiss me, I turn my head and feel his lips touch my cheek. He sighs as he sits back, looking hurt. God, I hate knowing that I upset him, I feel miserable. I’m not worth his love. He deserves someone better.
Someone who will love him to the fullest.
Someone who won’t hurt him.
Someone who won’t let him down.
He’s been hurt too many times, I don’t want to do that to him.

“Kurt, what’s wrong?” his whisper soft but clear. The panic must be showing on my face.

I shake my head, biting the inside of my cheek.

“I love you.” he says, grabbing my hand. My eyes grow wide, it’s the first time one of us says it out loud. I don’t know what to do.

“Why don’t you go somewhere else!!” the same guy from earlier yells, he is in the queue at the counter, “that’s so disturbing!!” he laughs, mocking us.

He looks so scary! Blaine rolls his eyes again but mine are still on the guy. He’s nudging others and is pretending to be throwing up at the sight of us.

I swallow, feeling upset.

No one out of all the people there tells him to stop, that it is rude! No one is standing up against him. I wonder if it is because he’s so strong and scary looking or because they all silently agreed. In my head I hear an explosion of voices. I hear my mum yelling at me, telling me how awful I am, how I am not worth her love, how I can’t be fixed. I hear last year’s bullies calling me names, telling me many times how I was trash. I hear the guy in the queue’s words echoing through my head. My eyes sting. I am going to be sick.

I meet Blaine’s worried gaze and realize he deserves so much better. I can see his lips move but no sound reaches my ears.
I can’t do this.
I can’t fight.
I am not strong enough.
I am tired of pretending that I am.

I run.

I feel like I’m suffocating. Not even the outside air makes me feel like I’m able to breathe properly again. I  run, I run to the parking lot and hide between some cars. Overcome with emotion I scream, tears falling down my face. I’m not worth any of it.

“Kurt!” his voice is loud, spreading across the whole parking lot. I close my eyes, enjoying the sound of his voice like a safe place. Something familiar. “I know you can hear me! Where are you?!”

I bite my lip. What should I do?

“Kurt! Please!”

He’s begging. No. I can’t. I can’t do this. He deserves more than this. I am not any better than those other people if I keep hiding like this. I slowly get up again, he spots me immediately and runs my way.

“There you are.” He says relieved, hugging me, “hey, don’t pay attention to that troll.”

I’m still looking down at the floor, trying to find the courage to say what I want to say next. I swallow but the lump in my throat is not disappearing.

“He’s not worth it, Kurt.” Blaine says, putting his finger under my chin, making me look at him. I feel him kiss my lips but I don’t kiss back. I stand there; remote. “Hey, he’s not worth it.” He whispers stroking my cheek.

“No...”I say and after a long pause, I manage to speak again, “I’m not.” I sigh.

He looks at me puzzled. “You are! Come on, I won’t let him talk to you like that! I’ll tell him what I really think.”

“Blaine, no.” Pulling his arm. I shake my head, “I’m not worth fighting for.” I sigh.

“Of course you are, Kurt.” He grabs my hands again.

“No,” I shake my head, “I’m just a torn up mess.”

He takes a step closer, I look up meeting his eyes and hold my breath. This is so hard. “You can trust me.” He whispers, his breath hits my face, dazzling me. He softly smiles; remembering.

“I can’t.” I say, unlocking my hands out of his. I turn my back to him, I can’t handle seeing his eyes. Seeing those will make me change my mind. I feel him place his hand on my shoulder, trying to keep me here yet comforting, and I close my eyes, realizing that if I take the first step away from him now, it will all be ruined. I can feel his gaze on me. His presence strong –as it always is. He doesn’t do or say anything. “Blaine, I’m bruised and broken and you deserve someone better.” I mumble.

“All I want is you.” He gasps.

Silence.

“Kurt...do you love me?” he whispers. I don’t reply. Keeping myself safe. Knowing that if I answer out loud I’ll only get myself in a bigger mess.

I start walking.

I hear him gasp a choked ‘no’, his voice breaking, but I keep walking. Fighting every emotion inside of me. Knowing doubt will win me over if I don’t.

Do I love him?
Yes.