Chapter 6

The week began with heavy rain, forcing people indoors and keeping Kurt and Blaine apart. They only managed to sneak into the downpour for a moment on Monday. The cold drops whispered on the fresh leaves of the oak tree as the boys met under its natural shelter, soaked through and trembling from the chill. The grey rainclouds enveloped the world in an oppressive darkness prematurely making it difficult for the boys to see each other clearly.

'I can't stay, they'll get suspicious,' Blaine said, stopping a foot away from Kurt and eyeing him cautiously. He had an absurd need to hold Kurt, he didn't even care about the rain.

Still he didn't dare move closer. The events of the previous day made getting caught seem much more realistic. Until then, he felt as if nobody could ever see them. Except for God, of course, but all of Blaine's sins were going to be erased in a few months by baptism. Right?

'I can't stay, either,' Kurt answered reluctantly. If they only had a moment, he wanted it to last as long as possible. 'We have to think of something in case it doesn't stop raining. I can't stand not seeing you.'

Kurt could swear Blaine's eyes lit up in the gloom.

'There's a shed on our farm that nobody really uses anymore,' Blaine offered. 'I mean, it's old and all, but it's dry inside.'

'Perfect. Where on the farm?'

'Behind the barn, next to the pigsty.'

Kurt chuckled.

'Okay, fine. We're gonna have dates near the pigsty.'

He tangled his fingers gently with Blaine's, making him gasp in surprise. Kurt's hand was freezing, but that was just another thing that suddenly meant nothing.

'So- All these- meetings- All of them are dates?,' Blaine stuttered.

'For as long as you want them to be.'

'I- I think I do. Want them to be.'

Kurt Smiles softly, before cupping Blaine's neck to pull him in for a kiss. The cold seemed to have disappeared miles away, the dark dispersed around them for the short few seconds they let their lips meet for.

'Same time tomorrow?,' Blaine asked.

'As always.'

***

Blaine made sure they had something to sit on by sneaking an old blanket out of the house and into the shed. His family knew about him seeing Kurt, and they weren't all exactly enthusiastic. Despite the fact that the Hershbergers were a well-respected family in the congregation, their adoptive son didn't have an equally impeccable reputation.

It wasn't that Kurt was a bad boy. He had never done anything that would be wrong or evil. He never hurt anyone, never stole anyone's chicken or even an apple from an orchard. Most of the time he was respectful and kind to everyone. His greatest crime was calling out the school teacher on believing in creationism once – which caused a small scandal and discussion all over the Berlin township – and the fact that he wasn't "really" Amish.

Apart from that, few people could appreciate the melodiousness and soft timbre of his voice. Due to that – even though he was the only Kurt in the neighbourhood – there were some who nicknamed him Lady Hershberger. He hated that.

As much as Mrs Anderson found it admirable that her youngest son took it on himself to provide that boy with a kind friend, her husband couldn't share her opinion. The bishop didn't even think twice before calling Kurt a bad influence on his already hard-headed offspring. He suggested Blaine to stop seeing the other boy, but before he could protest, his mother stepped in.

'Let him have a friend while he's still young,' she said with her natural gentility.

And the bishop let it go.

Blaine was sitting cross-legged on the blanket-covered wooden floor of the shed when Kurt snuck inside, shaking droplets of rain off his hat. They exchanged smiles and timid greetings, before Kurt joined his boyfriend on the ground.

'How was your day?,' he asked.

'Normal. Boring.' Blaine shrugged, reaching out for Kurt's hand. 'And yours?'

'Same old, same old. I missed you.'

A blush crept onto Blaine's face.

'You saw me yesterday.'

'Just for a second. Not enough.' Kurt rolled his eyes. 'So I take it you didn't miss me?,' he asked tentatively.

'I did,' Blaine admitted in a small voice. As much as he had tried to get rid of his guilt, some of it persisted within him, reminding him about it in the least appropriate moments. 'Can I ask you something? It's been kinda nagging at me.'

Kurt smiled softly at him, squeezing his hand.

'Anything.'

'Why haven't you been on a Rumspringa? You're always talking about how much you hate this place, how you wanna get out. Why haven't you? By Amish law, you're an adult.'

Kurt let out a sigh.

'Exactly, by Amish law. Rumspringa is for the Amish, I'm not Amish, I don't feel Amish,' he explained. 'I wasn't supposed to be here, I was supposed to live in fucking Lima, I was supposed to be English. Stupid chance decided that my mother gave birth to me here and died, and that people thought it would be Christian and benevolent for them to take me in. So, you see, I'm really English, no- American. I'll be an adult in May, when I'm eighteen. I don't want a Rumspringa, I want to get out for good. People usually come back after they'd gotten drunk one time too many. This is why they want to leave at all. To do shit they can't do here, but ultimately they go back, because this is where they belong. And I just don't belong here.'

'What about your family?,' Blaine asked, trying to put everything Kurt had told him in order, without his feelings getting in the way. 'Your adoptive family, I mean.'

'They're gonna disinherit me as soon as I'm out the door. Not that I would care.'

He tried dismissing the statement by waving his free hand, but a flash of sadness crossed his face and Blaine wasn't deceived.

'You do care.'

'Okay, fine, it's gonna suck. But I don't care about Ruth, or Joe, or Joan, or the annoying little fuck Miriam. I wish it wasn't certain that my father, I mean Abraham, is going to shun me.'

'Maybe he won't?,' Blaine offered.

Kurt sent him a sceptical look.'

'He's like the most pious person in the congregation, right after your father. He would be the first one to kick me out the door if he found out about me.'

Blaine frowned. 'So you're not gonna tell them before you leave?'

'It could draw suspicion to you, and you don't want to have to deal with this shit.' Kurt fell silent for a moment, letting Blaine get over the wave of gratitude that flooded him. 'Why haven't you gone on a Rumspringa, though? You're staying in the community, so why not live a little before you're stuck here forever?'

'I am living,' Blaine said. 'Here. This is my Rumspringa. I don't want anything else.'

The corners of Kurt's lips curled up. If someone had told him a month ago that he'd be sitting with Blaine Anderson exchanging sweet silly nonsense, he'd laugh at them. He would have never thought it possible, and yet all it took was one conversation to turn his life around. Now he was just wishing Blaine was willing to leave with him.

'Are you sure this will be enough for you?,' he asked quietly, his gaze stuck to Blaine's hand in his own. His happiness was short-lived. 'I'll be gone in two months.'

'Can we not talk about this now?' The question sounded unusually harsh in Blaine's mouth, startling them both. 'Let's just sit for a while, okay?'

'Okay,' Kurt agreed, pulling himself closer to Blaine and resting his head on the other boy's shoulder. 'But we're going to have to talk about it at some point.'

'I know. It's just that- now's not a good time.'

Kurt lifted his head back up to look at him. Blaine's face could reflect barely a scraping of the conflict and guilt he was feeling. It was as if the two extremes in him were fighting for supremacy, neither giving up. His soul felt like a seared battlefield, filled with the already slain principles that he'd once held so dear. In some parts of him, that army was still winning, in others – its enemy was getting the upper hand. And that triumph was as terrifying as it was beautiful to watch.

'Why isn't it a good time?,' Kurt asked. 'Will there be a good time? Preferably before I leave?'

The stare that was boring into Blaine was almost unbearable, and he hid his face in his hands.

'Kurt, this really isn't easy for me, in case you haven't noticed.'

'I have. And I get it. But-' His voice trailed off for a moment. I need to know if this- if we have a future. If I can let myself get invested in this.'

'A future? You want us to have a future?' Blaine could barely choke the words out in a whisper.

'I do. But it's up to you and what you want. My mind is made up, now it's your turn.'

They froze, looking each other in the eye in a silent conversation. Blaine's expression wavered a few times before he finally shook his head.

'I don't know what I want.'

Kurt nodded slowly with a blank look on his face. He'd hate to show just how deeply those words hurt him. He could get his heart crushed by a bulldozer and he wouldn't notice any difference. Without a word, he stood up, putting his hat back on his head.

'I guess I'll be seeing you around. This Sunday church is at my house, so-'

'What? What about tomorrow?,' Blaine asked desperately, jumping to his feet. He had never intended to make something like this happen.

'I thought you didn't know what you wanted.'

The acid in Kurt's voice stung.

'I want you, I told you that!,' Blaine almost shouted. 'I just- I just-'

His words failed him and he threw his arms up in the air in helplessness.

'You just think this is going to pass,' Kurt spat out. 'You think I'm a phase. Your fucking Rumspringa. Let me tell you one thing: this is not a phase. It definitely isn't one for me. You're either in or we're done. I don't need to have my heart broken before I even start living.'

'I don't want to break your heart.' Blaine's voice was on the verge of giving in.

'It's good to know you know that much. So what is it gonna be?'

'Kurt...'

He was already turning to the door, ready to leave and try to move on from his first failed love story.

'You know where to find me, in case you change your mind. Or make it up, whichever.'

It took this second of seeing Kurt turned away from him, with his hand on the door for Blaine to realise that out of the two painful things, seeing Kurt go was much, much worse. He would rather spend an eternity of guilt and torture than never see those blue eyes light up again.

'I want you. Kurt, I want you,' he said as firmly as he could.

The look on Kurt's face as he turned back to him was an almost impossible mixture of scepticism and hope.

'You want me for two months or for longer? 'Cause I'm not sure I want you for just the two months. It's all or nothing.'

'I don't know, but let me figure this out.'

The pleading look in Blaine's eyes melted Kurt's defences.

'Fine. Either way, in two months, no matter what happens, I'm not saying goodbye to you.'