Chapter 4

This was all so overwhelming. Kurt’s face didn’t stir out of the expression of amazement, excitement and disbelief since the flight crew had told them they were approaching landing at La Guardia. Even though New York was without a doubt stretching before his eyes, it was still too much to grasp for him. It was the place he’d wanted to escape to ever since he first found out about Broadway and all the wonders of the Big Apple. This was his destination, his rightful place in the world.

Now he was there and he was surer of it than ever.

While Kurt was busy taking in everything that surrounded him, the Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, Central Park, Times Square – all the tourist spots they got to see, Blaine couldn’t take his eyes off of him. The child-like wonder that lit up Kurt’s face made Blaine feel like he was falling in love a little bit further with each second. And as much as he tried to look away and bite down the smile that staring at Kurt awoke, he failed most of the time.

Kurt was beyond ecstatic that he got to share his first New York experience with the person he would often imagine accompanying him, hand in hand, on romantic walks along the Pond in Central Park or going to Liberty Island, or having coffee in some quiet café somewhere on the Upper East Side. Obviously, he never took all those mental images seriously, because he hadn’t known exactly what New York looked like, when torn away from photographs and movies. And he never let himself fully believe romantic walks with Blaine were even the faintest of possibilities. Being there fueled his imagination nonetheless, and all the pictures that used to look flat and fake took on a new, three-dimensional quality.

Kurt’s hand ached to grab Blaine’s and his legs wanted nothing more than to run away from the rest of them, dragging Blaine with him and whisper silly lovey-dovey nonsense in the greatest city in the world.

Kurt was so engrossed by his surroundings, Blaine’s staring had gone unnoticed by him for a long time. Rachel did make a note to herself that something could be brewing between the boys, and smiled a little, before going back to thinking about her own love life.

‘You think it’s silly, don’t you?,’ Kurt asked, wincing a little at his own words, when he finally caught Blaine gaping at him with a goofy grin plastered to his face. ‘Me getting so excited over some city.’

‘What?’ Blaine’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. ‘No, of course not. I could never think you’re silly.’

Kurt’s mouth pulled up at the corners, his nervousness appeased.

‘It kinda is silly, though.’

‘It’s not. It’s adorable,’ Blaine said, drowning in the two blue pools in front of him.

Somehow, the melted gold of Blaine’s eyes felt scorching to Kurt and he quickly looked away.

***

The atmosphere in the green room was more frantic than ever. The girls were putting their make-up on, taking three times longer than normally because their hands were too shaky. Kurt, for once, was grateful he didn't get a solo; there was literally no way he could go out right now and not go completely mute in front of the audience.

Blaine was oddly calm. Performing made him feel more comfortable than anything else, even if he only got to sway in the background. He attempted getting Kurt to relax, but to little avail. No matter how many deep breaths Kurt took, his hands were still trembling, and soon enough he was dizzy from hyperventilating.

Blaine was just forcing Kurt to sit down and stop freaking out, when the New Directions were announced and Rachel and Finn left to take their places to go out onto the stage.

'We're gonna be awesome, you'll see,' Blaine said with a smile.

'They are. I'll probably trip in the middle in the stage and everybody else will tumble over me and it's going to be an absolute disaster.' Kurt sighed, rubbing his temples.

'It's not. Wanna go watch them?,' Blaine asked. Maybe watching the others would calm Kurt down.

Kurt nodded infinitesimally and stood up a little shakily. Blaine hurried to steady him, catching him around the waist.

For a split second they both held their breath, the touch setting an electric shock through their bodies. Blaine retreated hastily, caught between self-consciousness about and intoxication with the contact that felt very coupley. He wouldn't even want to let his mind wander in that direction.

When they approached the edge of the stage, Finn and Rachel had just finished the first verse and were going into the chorus of the song the New Directions had written for nationals. It was a beautiful love song, heavy with emotion that Kurt hadn't really paid attention to in rehearsals.

Will we ever say the words we're feeling,
Reach down underneath and tear down all the walls?
Will we ever have a happy ending
Or will we forever only be pretending?

Kurt twitched uncomfortably. It was like they were singing his thoughts almost. The feelings he'd been keeping secret from Blaine had never felt heavier in his heart. And the uncertainty of ever getting everything he wanted and needed had never been stronger.

He didn’t dare tear his gaze away from Rachel and Finn. Looking at Blaine in that moment would probably break a dam that kept all of Kurt’s emotions in check.

If he had looked, he would have seen an expression mirroring his own. Blaine had to clench his teeth together to stop the words that had been on his mind for months from escaping. Pretending not to have the feelings he had was tough, almost impossible t0 do, but if the alternative could be losing Kurt altogether, it was a small sacrifice.

They stood there transfixed, unable to move and terrified the other would notice and figure it all out. They barely were able to see Rachel and Finn kiss on stage, not fully grasping the significance of the action.

It took Sam patting them on the shoulders a few times to remember there was a world beyond them and a song to perform.

***

On the plane back, everyone was quiet; even Santana stopped threatening the rest of the Glee club and was fuming silently. Finn and Rachel were staring lovingly at each other, despite the scornful looks their friends kept on giving them, still blaming them for the New Directions losing.

From the moment they boarded the plane, Kurt was staring out of the window, taking in the last sights of New York. Blaine was watching him closely, twining his fingers tightly together to stop himself from taking Kurt’s hand. The last few days were amazing, difficult and tiring at the same time. The long rehearsals exhausted him physically, the feelings he was holding back did that to his psyche. Yet still, the time was ultimately happy and filled his heart with warmth whenever he thought of the smile that wrinkled Kurt’s face almost without a break.

When Kurt finally turned his eyes away from the ground far below and the ant-sized cars on the ribbons of highways, Blaine was still watching him. At first, he wished he’d looked away in time not to be caught, but what was wrong with looking at his best friend? He sent Kurt a little, timid smile.

‘You don’t seem very upset,’ he said, noticing the way Kurt’s face was still glowing.

‘I’m not really.’ Kurt shrugged. ‘I have a few things to cross off my bucket list.’

Blaine raised an eyebrow in surprise.

‘Why didn’t I know you have a bucket list?’

Kurt’s cheeks flushed pink, his eyes scattering away from Blaine’s curious gaze.

‘It’s still in the works.’

‘And you couldn’t tell me?,’ Blaine feigned indignation. ‘I would tell you what’s on mine, if I had one.’

Kurt rolled his eyes at him in an attempt to conceal his nervousness. Since their performance at nationals, he managed to add a new number one to his list. It wasn’t really something he wanted to do before he dies. It was something he wanted to do as soon as he musters the courage to.

The trip to New York had made him realize that he wasn’t really capable of keeping anything from Blaine, not indefinitely. His fears of screwing everything up were still very much real and alive, but the burden was becoming too heavy to carry. He knew he probably wouldn’t say the words tomorrow or in a week, but for the first time he was absolutely certain that he would say them at all. Someday. Sooner or later.

‘It’s- normal stuff, you know?,’ Kurt said at last. ‘Where I want to go, what musicals I want to see and play in. And, um- you know, love stuff,’ he added hesitantly.

Blaine swallowed. ‘Love stuff?’

‘Yeah, you know-,’ Kurt mumbled. ‘To get the perfect boyfriend, get married, that kind of stuff.’

‘You do know that perfect people don’t exist, though?,’ Blaine asked. Apart from you, you’re perfect, he added in his mind and folded his arms tightly together over his chest, hoping it would stop his heart from trying to escape.

Kurt gave him a small smile.

‘He wouldn’t have to be perfect perfect, just perfect for me,’ he said. And you are, he thought, his lips pulling up higher at the corners.

He was growing hopeful and there was nothing he could do about it.