Chapter 31

The rest of the day passed in peace. The after-lunch uneasiness ceased and by the time Frances served dinner –  with Kurt helping her in preparations like he used to as a child – everyone was comfortable and content. Finn continued to be slightly annoyed with his brother, but that feeling seemed to be fading. Carole didn’t make a fuss about Kurt’s slip, so her son began to think he had nothing to worry about.

The only thing that continued to disturb Kurt was the nagging jealousy whenever his minds wandered off in Blaine’s direction. He had to know what exactly occurred during that coffee date, but the sole thought of talking to Blaine about that other guy sent a pang of pain through his chest.

Hiding his true feelings from his best friend had been hard enough before jealousy came into play. How was he supposed to be happy from Blaine, when he was so unhappy for himself? Kurt tried his best to convince himself that him and Blaine were never going to be a couple anyway, and wish his best friend luck in pursuing Jeremiah. The attempts were only partially successful; he decided he’d wait until Blaine gives him a detailed account of the coffee date, before assuming he was better boyfriend material for his friend than that Jeremiah guy.

It was shortly before ten when the Hudson-Hummels got back home from Lebanon. Kurt immediately excused himself to his room and flopped onto his bed. His heart was pumping much too fast and he could hear the beats clearly in his head. It had been seven hours since he last talked to Blaine, and normally he would be dialing his friend’s number without delay. But now he dreaded doing so.

He took his phone out and opened his contacts on Blaine’s number. A minute passed by, the screen went dark, and Kurt’s finger was still hovering over the call button. He just couldn’t get himself to press it, as if the muscles in his hand had stopped working.

Finally, after some minutes of trying to force his finger down and just get on with it, because he promised to call and he hated to disappoint his best friend, he gave up. He dumped the phone on the bed and headed for the bathroom. He needed to clear his thoughts and hoped a hot shower would do the trick.

The streams of water flowing down his body calmed him, but the jealousy wouldn’t wash off quite as easily. He stood in the shower for a good half hour to try and sort his thoughts and feelings out. Aside from slowing his heart down, the attempt was futile.

By the time Kurt was back in his room, lying across his bed, one more time staring at his phone screen, it was almost eleven. It crossed his mind to text Blaine it was too late to call and they’d talk tomorrow, though he discarded the idea immediately. Blaine knew him well enough to know that eleven p.m. wasn’t exactly a late hour for Kurt, and if he’d promised to call, he’d call.

Kurt was also painfully aware Blaine would stay up for as long as he was waiting for him to call.

With one last steadying breath, he dialed Blaine’s number.

‘Kurt!,’ Blaine’s voice sounded on the other end after only one beep. Clearly, he was indeed waiting for the phone call. ‘Finally, I was starting to worry.’

A warmth spread in Kurt’s chest, almost making him forget the anxiousness and jealousy.

‘Sorry, we’ve been back an hour, I just needed to take a beat and shower, and stuff.’ He felt like he was rambling; he hoped Blaine couldn’t hear the deep breath he took to help gather his thoughts. Otherwise, Blaine would start asking him what was wrong.

‘No problem, but you know, roads can be dangerous in this weather, so… Anyway, it’s not why you called, right?’ He sounded so excited Kurt didn’t have the heart to shut him up.

‘Yeah, your hot date,’ Kurt said, trying to make his voice as chipper as Blaine’s was.

‘It wasn’t like that and you know it!,’ Blaine laughed. ‘It was really nice, though. I mean, Jeremiah’s nice.’

Kurt chewed on his lip, while he listened, trying to swallow the bile that was rising in his throat. Be happy for him, he reprimanded himself.

‘He’s nice, huh? How about you tell me everything in person? Sleepover tomorrow?,’ he asked. A couple of moments more and his casual tone would break, revealing everything that was hiding behind it.

‘Yeah, sounds great. Your place or mine?’

‘Mine.’ Hiding out in his own bathroom, if anything went wrong was a little more appealing an option.

‘Great. I’ll call you in the morning?’

‘Sure. Goodnight, Blaine.’

‘Goodnight.’

Kurt threw his phone aside as soon as the conversation ended, and he buried his face in his pillow. He had to get all the jealousy under control, or the sleepover would end up a complete disaster.

He was tossing and turning until the wee hours of the night, trying to force himself into supporting Blaine no matter what, and crying his eyes out in the process. Eventually, as he was drifting to sleep just after four, he decided that he was never the one who mattered in this situation; this time it was all about Blaine. Whenever Kurt had needed him, Blaine was there, no matter what.

Now it was Kurt’s turn. He didn’t know how he was going to control the growing envy, but if only his love for Blaine was as great as he liked to think it was, he was sure he’d be able to do it.

***

Kurt couldn’t recall when he was last – or if he was ever – this nervous before a sleepover with Blaine. Not even after he’d acknowledged his romantic feelings for him over two weeks ago. Making a decision and sticking to it were two entirely different things. Putting Blaine first seemed easy enough in theory, but now Kurt was about to be confronted with the reality. One slip could ruin everything.

The night was supposed to be like any other; a little bit of chatter and hopefully laughter, maybe a movie, and someone caring to wake up to in the morning. At least Kurt began telling himself that over and over again to calm him nerves, which led to an exactly opposite effect. He was almost shaking as he pulled the front door open for Blaine.

And then it was all gone: the trembling, the almost nauseating anxiety. Everything wiped out of existence by one dazzling smile and a pair of sparkling hazel eyes.

Soon enough they ended up on Kurt’s bed, sitting opposite each other and having the conversation that was so anticipated by one of them and so dreaded by the other.

‘So how was that coffee date?,’ Kurt asked tentatively. His pulse quickened only by a fraction, for which he was grateful.

‘I’m not even sure it was a date,’ Blaine admitted, unknowingly releasing butterflies into Kurt’s stomach.

‘Oh.’ Kurt frowned. ‘Did one of you pay or did you split the bill?’

Blaine’s expression mirrored his friend’s.

‘We split it. Does it make a difference?’

‘To me it does,’ Kurt said with a shrug of the shoulders. ‘I mean if I – hypothetically – asked you out on a date, I’d be the one paying for everything. You paid for yourself, he paid for himself, so I’d venture to say that it was a friendly coffee. Like the coffees we get together.’ He was shocked with how completely his nervousness was gone. If Blaine were sold as an anti-anxiety medication, I’d buy him by gallons, he thought.

Blaine considered it for a moment and finally nodded.

‘Okay, so it wasn’t a coffee date, it was plain and simple coffee,’ he sighed. ‘Thanks for ruining my delusion.’

‘Anytime.’ Kurt grinned at his best friend. Why had he been nervous about this at all? They were too comfortable with each other to warrant that. And ultimately, the situation hadn’t changed. He still loved Blaine, that never changed, it could never change. Blaine’s happiness had always been the priority anyway.

And thanks to occupying the position of Blaine’s best friend, he had the opportunity to check out the competition – whether real or imaginary.

‘So you said that Jeremiah guy’s nice?,’ Kurt prodded.

It didn’t take anything more to set Blaine going. He described their meeting and coffee with much detail – down to the amount of sugar the other boy put into his soy latte. They had talked about their coming outs, their family situations (Jeremiah was very sympathetic about the lack of support from Blaine’s parents), Jeremiah’s recent break-up (that was Blaine’s turn to empathize) and negative high school experiences.

‘He’s into fashion, you know,’ Blaine went on. ‘He even applied to Parsons, but they turned him down. But well, it’s Parsons, right? Hard to get in.’

Kurt nodded with understanding, even though a tiny voice in his head was telling him, Or maybe he just wasn’t good enough.

‘So did he say anything as to when you’re going to meet next?,’ he asked, vividly interested.

‘Um- no, he didn’t say anything about that,’ Blaine muttered, confused. ‘What do you think that means?’

‘I don’t know what it means, go to Aileen for mind-reading.’ Kurt took a moment to ponder the question. ‘What exactly did he tell you when you were saying goodbye?’

‘”See you around”, I guess.’

Kurt’s face let on what he thought it meant quite clearly.

‘That bad?,’ Blaine asked.

‘I just think it meant exactly that,’ Kurt said, grimacing as Blaine’s facial expression fell. ‘Sorry, sweetie.’

They stayed silent for a moment, Blaine staring intently at his hands as he twisted them in his lap.

‘Do you think I’m delusional?,’ he asked tentatively, breaking the silence.

‘No, I don’t.’ It was quiet for another minute as Kurt formulated a fuller answer. ‘You just want to be loved… in that way. And it’s normal to seek that feeling. Everybody does.’

Blaine shifted on the bed to put his head on Kurt’s shoulder. It was comforting, feeling the warmth of his friend’s body right next to him.

‘So you do, too,’ he said in a small voice.

‘I do,’ Kurt replied, almost knocked out of breath by Blaine’s closeness. ‘But I kinda think it’s going to find me in the end.’

***

The following couple of hours rushed by, as the evening proceeded in its usual way. But once their bowls of popcorn were long empty and the end credits after rewatching The Phantom of the Opera for the hundredth time were rolling, neither of the boys spoke. The silence was comfortable for Kurt, his thoughts wandering back to the Jeremiah situation. He suspected  Blaine’s crush wasn’t over, but his mind was somewhat appeased. Thwarting Blaine’s hopes was far from pleasant, though he’d rather do that, than have to pick up the pieces in case his best friend ended up brokenhearted.

Blaine’s mind, however, was as far from his love life as could be. He stuck his gaze to his reflection in Kurt’s tall mirror, tracing his fingers down the side of his face where – so recently – the huge bruise used to be.

‘Kurt?,’ he said in a slightly trembling voice.

‘Hm?’ Kurt looked up at him, alarmed by the sudden change in his mood. Blaine had been enjoying the movie as he always did.

‘You do know what’s gonna happen after Christmas break?,’ he asked uneasily.

‘Um, no- should I?’

Blaine bit his lip, as he looked for the most delicate way of reminding his best friend about the things neither of them would rather think about again.

‘Kurt, it’s been six weeks.’

‘Six weeks since wh…,’ Kurt started, just as realization hit him and left him with his mouth wide open.

Blaine stayed silent for a moment, letting Kurt compose his thoughts, but reached out to put his arm around his friend’s shoulders.

‘I think I’ve been in denial,’ Kurt said finally. ‘I mean, not really, I know perfectly well what happened, too well if you ask me, but I kinda… I was pushing the thought that he’ll be back away. I’m so stupid.’

‘You’re not stupid. You’ve dealt with a lot of shit in your life, so it’s natural for you to push this out of your consciousness.’

Despite the solemn mood, Kurt chuckled. ‘Talk to Aileen much?’

‘Oh, you know what I mean.’ Blaine paused for a second, watching as all signs of amusement seep out of Kurt’s face. ‘But what are we going to do now that he’s back at school?’

‘I have no idea,’ Kurt sighed. ‘I’m hoping he’ll stay clear of us and everything will turn out fine.’

So you think we’re safe?,’ Blaine asked, feeling a shiver running down his spine at the thought of the punches in the dark street a month earlier.

Kurt sent him a sad smile.

‘As safe as we can be with Azimio & co. around.’