Chapter 26

The decision could have been easy and simple, but life never is.

His strong resolve to keep everything the way it had always been helped Kurt wear the broad smile he usually had for Blaine. Yet whenever a thought back to the blond guy from the rink – or anybody else that might someday steal Blaine’s heart – the smile wavered, replaced by a pained grimace for just as long as it took for Kurt to breathe and take a hold of his emotions. And then, Kurt, Blaine’s BFF and nothing else, was back in place.

Blaine could still tell something was bothering his friend, but his decisions weren’t easy to turn around, either. The week seeped lazily by, and Kurt kept on being unusually quiet. He would smile and talk, and even giggle a little, but Blaine felt it was just an act to keep him from asking questions. And when in Glee club Kurt sat silently through the whole of the Christmas caroling discussion, letting Rachel pick and choose her solos to everybody else’s irritation, Blaine changed his mind.

It had been too much weirdness from his friend in too little time. He needed an explanation, otherwise he’d go crazy with worry.

‘Kurt,’ he said, when they were leaving the choir room. He caught Kurt’s arm and spun him around so they were face to face.

‘Yes?’

Kurt’s eyes were strangely unfocused, wandering around Blaine’s face, as if he couldn’t decide where to rest them. And he was hoping futilely that Blaine wouldn’t realize that he was fighting an intense urge to ostentatiously stare at his friend’s lips, one of which Blaine was currently chewing on in a way that was really driving Kurt crazy.

‘Sleepover tonight? It’s Friday,’ Blaine suggested hopefully. There was no better time for a heart-to-heart than a quiet evening at a sleepover. ‘My place? After dinner at yours.’

Kurt held his breath for a moment, just in case he started to hyperventilate. That was exactly what he was dreading. Sleepovers. The sleepovers that had become as natural for them as being duets partners in Glee club and Blaine’s presence at the Hudson-Hummels’ family dinners. And all of those were just as natural as breathing.

But sleepovers meant talking. Sometimes talking about feelings, which was entirely out of the question for Kurt. Or at least, there was no way in hell he would be telling Blaine of his current crush, because, well, he couldn’t tell him anything he wouldn’t have already known about its object.

And sleepovers meant sleeping in one bed. Being tucked under one quilt, with body parts pressing against the other person’s. Body parts of all kinds, from arms and feet, to well, private parts. And as much as it had never really mattered or made them uncomfortable, Kurt couldn’t foresee if his acknowledging his feelings would change that. What if his body reacts to something on its own accord, ruining everything?

All these thoughts ran through his mind one more time in the few seconds it took him to regain enough control to breathe.

‘Sure,’ he answered finally, his voice hardly audible.

Blaine squinted, examining Kurt’s face. That did not help in curing his concern, but he let it go; just a few more hours and he’d get Kurt to fess up.

***

The boys arrived at Aileen’s shortly before nine, and found her snuggled on the coach with Goldie, a glass of wine and her Grey’s Anatomy DVDs. She greeted them with her usual smile, soon followed by a massive yawn.

‘Hey, guys, how was dinner?’

‘Carole was cooking, so it was good, but not as good as it would’ve been, if Kurt had,’ Blaine replied.

Kurt’s still full stomach almost flipped. Blaine had complimented his cooking for as long as they’d known each other, but somehow hearing this now had a much bigger effect on him. He was beginning to think all those romantic feelings were nothing but a constant nuisance. Weird sensations in his chest and gut – as well as elsewhere – hadn’t left him for longer than a couple of hours in the last few days. And wouldn’t leave at all whenever Blaine was around.

Aileen bid them goodnight, as Kurt and Blaine directed their footsteps to the latter’s bedroom.

Never before had Kurt felt nervous to enter the room. But now his palms were suddenly sweaty – though they were ice cold at coming into the house – and his heart was racing madly.

You’ve done this a million times before, nothing’s changed, idiot, he told himself a few times, fully realizing how dishonest he was with himself.

‘So what are we gonna do tonight?,’ Kurt asked, barely controlling his voice. ‘Makeovers?’

Blaine chuckled, but his laughter died after a second, as he remembered the purpose of this particular sleepover.

‘No, actually, I wanted to talk.’

‘Talk?,’ Kurt repeated in a small voice. ‘Talk about what?’

Did he figure it out? Did he know Kurt’s little secret? He wasn’t supposed to figure it out!

Or maybe he found out something about the blond guy from the skating rink without telling Kurt he even intended to try and do that? After a second’s consideration, Kurt rejected the possibility; Blaine would have told him something like that.

Kurt was the only one keeping his crush secret.

‘You’ve been acting all weird since Monday,’ Blaine began.

‘Weird? What do you mean weird?’ Playing dumb wasn’t usually Kurt’s first choice, but he decided he could afford it with Blaine, despite and because of everything that was going on.

Blaine sat cross-legged on his bed and tapped the spot in front of him, inviting Kurt to join him. Uh-huh, beds. Trying not to show his nervousness, Kurt flopped opposite Blaine, mirroring his pose.

‘I can’t remember you being this quiet since, I guess since- Karofsky,’ Blaine said hesitantly. Kurt only nodded slowly in acknowledgement and waited for his friend to continue. ‘And before that, I think it was still at my hou- my parents’ house. At first I assumed you’d tell me what’s going on, but it’s been days, and today you didn’t say a word in Glee and that was like the last straw. And the whole week I was getting the impression that your eyes are weirdly unfocused, like you couldn’t decide where to look. It’s really been worrying me, Kurt. So, please, just tell me what’s bothering you.’

Lying that everything was fine was out of the question; Kurt had tried it once already and the results were pitiful. Blaine had to be given the truth. Or at least a version of truth that would keep their friendship intact, irrelevant of Kurt’s increasingly nagging non-platonic feelings.

‘Actually, to be exact, I haven’t been fine since Sunday, not Monday,’ he began, carefully picking his words.

‘Sunday?’ Blaine’s thoughts drifted back to five days earlier. ‘Why Sunday?’

All that sprang into his mind was the skating rink and the Lima Bean. Nothing out of the ordinary, they’d been doing this on winter Sundays since last year. Nothing changed, nothing was different… Except for the couple at the skating rink. That was a first.

‘It’s about that gay couple at the rink, isn’t it?,’ Blaine asked. He didn’t know what exactly about them had the power to upset Kurt so much, but that must have been it, nothing else happened that day.

Still, Kurt looked almost as upset as he had after fleeing the locker room after Karofsky had harassed him.

‘You could put it that way,’ Kurt said, fixing his gaze on Blaine’s striped comforter. Looking up at his best friend now probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

‘Okay, so what about them got to you so much that you stop talking and laughing the way you always do?,’ Blaine asked, still not getting any closer to comprehending it on his own.

Kurt took a moment to consider the best way to answer. Not too obvious, but not straying too far from the truth, either.

‘It kinda set me thinking that I- that I may never get the boyfriend that I want,’ he said and finally lifted his eyes at Blaine to check his reaction.

Well, that made sense. Those two guys from the rink might have not been meant to be, but still they somehow managed to find each other in Ohio. The odds that either him or Kurt would be able to find anyone to date for themselves were miserably slim. After all, the only other gay boy their age they knew was the same one who’d given them facial contusions, and that did not promise well for any potential relationship.

‘Kurt, I know it’s a little depressing to be living here,’ he said. ‘We both know it’s not been all rainbows and cotton candy, but you’re going to get out of here, right? You’re going to go to New York and I’m pretty damn sure there’s going to be the perfect, most dreamy boyfriend waiting for you.’

Blaine smiled weakly, his speech intended to lift not only Kurt’s, but also his own spirits. He normally avoided thinking about the sad fact that he was single and probably would be that way for at least as long as he lived in Ohio, if not forever. But then he would give himself this little pep talk and try his best to forget the problem.

The only thing that came to Kurt’s mind was, I don’t need to go to New York to find him, he’s right here in front of me. He bit his tongue just as he was beginning to say it.

‘I… Do you really think so?,’ he asked finally.

‘I do,’ Blaine said, putting his hand over both of Kurt’s that were lying intertwined between them. ‘I believe that one day, maybe even soon, we’ll both be happily, happily in love with wonderful guys, and every man and every woman on this planet will envy us our luck.’

Kurt smiled, even though he was only half-convinced.

As long as you’re the wonderful guy I’ll be dating, he thought.

***

Completely unexpectedly for Kurt, the conversation calmed him. He might have not told Blaine everything, yet he managed not to lie, at least in the literal meaning of the word. But any evasion that he made was for the greater good.

Blaine’s worries were appeased, too; he fully understood how disturbing it could be that everybody else seems to find love, or even a cheap semblance of it, and realize how much he wanted to be just like all of those people.

The remainder of the evening rushed passed on discussing choices for the Glee club Christmas caroling, and discussions of small matters. It was well after midnight, when the boys changed into their PJs and slipped under the covers. Kurt was very careful to keep as much of his body away from Blaine’s, but his friend had another idea.

Blaine shifted to his side, tucking one hand under his cheek, and throwing the other arm over Kurt’s chest, making him shiver slightly at the touch. It was like an electric shock.

‘Goodnight, Kurtie,’ Blaine breathed, snuggling his nose right next to Kurt’s ear. The exhaled air tickled on his skin, sending yet another current through his body. Everything now seemed to be charged with electricity, but it was a strangely pleasant sensation.

Kurt held his breath for a moment. This situation was as familiar as it could be; falling asleep with Blaine’s limbs on top of him was nothing unusual. Only this was the first time Kurt was truly aware of not only Blaine’s limbs. And he was beginning to realize cuddling wasn’t the only thing he wanted to do in bed with another boy. With this particular boy.

It wasn’t even five minutes later, when Blaine’s breathing evened out, informing Kurt that his friend was out. He gingerly caught Blaine’s wrist between two of his fingers and lifted the arm that was lying across his chest. Holding it up in the air, Kurt turned onto his side to face Blaine. Now he had the freedom to stare and memorize as much of that beautiful face as could be seen in the almost total darkness.

The lack of light made the huge fading bruise completely undistinguishable from the rest of Blaine’s face, letting Kurt concentrate on the unblemished image he wished to see. Perfect, undamaged. Because Blaine was perfect and no one should allow him to be harmed ever again. His face looked so peaceful and content in his sleep, as if the night swallowed all the concerns and pain, letting him simply rest.

A couple of stray curls fell onto Blaine’s forehead and Kurt reached out to brush them away. His fingers lingered for another moment, hovering over Blaine’s face, and he brushed their tips tenderly over his friend’s cheek and jaw line.

‘I love you,’ he breathed. He paused, hesitant just for a second, and leant in to plant a soft kiss on Blaine’s forehead. ‘I really, really love you.’

Kurt closed his eyes, falling back to the pillow, just in time not to notice Blaine’s eyelids fluttering open by no more than a fraction.

Blaine could swear he heard Kurt’s voice. Something about love. And him… And him… What? What was that? He almost asked, but before he managed to get a word out, he dozed off again.

And when he woke up in the morning, with Kurt snuggled up to his chest, he didn’t remember a thing.