Chapter 16: Torn

As soon as Burt's snores filled the apartment, Kurt snuck out onto the fire escape with his phone. It was already quite late, but among the things he'd learnt about his boyfriend by now was that on a regular day he rarely went to sleep before midnight.

He wasn't wrong, and Blaine picked up after two signals.

'I was beginning to think you forgot,' Blaine joked without greeting trying to cover up his nervousness.

'Of course not, just- I was a little busy.'

For the first time in Kurt's life, not telling the entire truth felt so much like lying.

'Your dad came here to tell you to break up with me, didn't he?,' Blaine asked, unable to hold the question back any longer.

'What? No!'

Kurt's voice shook and gave in before he could say anything more.

'He didn't come to tell you to dump the psycho or anything like that?' A tinge of mockery entered Blaine's tone, but the person he was jeering was himself.

'Of course not, he didn't even know you were sick until tonight!'

A minute passed without either saying a word. As long as Kurt didn't have a response from Blaine, he couldn't do anything, but press the phone to his ear and wait. Wait for Blaine to speak. Or for anybody else that could take his place.

'You- You didn't tell him?' The voice was Blaine's and Kurt could tell he was on the verge of tears.

'I told him about you,' Kurt replied firmly. 'About you, Blaine. You and your illness are two separate things.'

That was mildly relaxing to hear, even though Blaine couldn't agree.

'We're not, Kurt,' he said. 'I wish we were, but that's just not the case. And your father deserves to know who you're dating.'

'But he knows! Your illness doesn't matter!,' Kurt insisted, despite the awareness that Blaine was perfectly right.

'Put yourself in his shoes for a moment,' Blaine said quietly. 'He's your father, he doesn't want you to be with someone like me, don't deny that.'

Since the moment Kurt saw his dad at the apartment, he'd been trying to convince himself that wasn't the case. Burt would understand. He'd be supportive and loving, as he'd always been, no matter what. Still, the fear that it wouldn't be as simple this time was lurking in Kurt's brain, and Blaine's words seemed to validate it.

'He's just worried,' Kurt mumbled finally.

'Of course he is.' Blaine swallowed, trying to get rid of the bile rising in his throat. 'So he didn't tell you to dump me yet?'

'Blaine, stop this.' It hurt to hear him speak like that. There was no way Kurt would leave him now. There had been no going back since the beginning. He'd been invested in this, and no one was going to convince him to retract. 'He'll get it when he gets to know you,' he added as firmly as he could.

'Do you really think it's a good idea?, Blaine asked doubtfully. After all, the last time he'd met someone important to Kurt, he transitioned in the middle of dinner.

'Yes,' Kurt answered. 'Come round mine tomorrow night, I'll fix something to eat, and you two can talk and bond, or whatever.'

Blaine took a deep breath, calming himself a little. Freaking out over this wouldn't do any good. It was just going to be a friendly meal with his boyfriend and his father. And Rachel, but she'd probably be more considerate now. He was going to be fine.

'Okay,' he said finally. 'I just hope you're right.'

***

It was going great. The dinner was delicious, the atmosphere friendly and welcoming. Rachel was clearly checking every word she wanted to say fifty times before actually uttering it. Blaine assumed Kurt had scolded her for that one disaster and ordered her to keep to neutral topics.

Burt was nice. Maybe not perfectly polite, but straightforward and genuinely kind-hearted. His son was everything to him and it showed, making it impossible for Blaine not to like him. No dangerous subject was brought up, and – despite his nervousness – Blaine managed to stay himself and not let the last dinner fiasco repeat itself.

When their plates were empty and Kurt forced Rachel to help him with the dishes, Burt got up and strolled up to the window that looked over the street, beckoning Blaine to join him. With his heart pounding nauseatingly loud in his ears, Blaine obeyed, walking as slowly as he could to buy himself some time to calm down.

'You two are serious about this?,' Burt asked, going straight to the point.

'I think so,' Blaine said in a small voice. 'I am, I can't really speak for Kurt, but I think he is, too.'

'Do you love him?'

The question caught Blaine off guard. Not that the thought of naming the feelings he had for Kurt that hadn't crossed his mind, but he had always been cautious with the word.

'I- I don't know,' he answered warily. 'Maybe. Probably. I- I just don't want to say it before I'm sure.'

Burt nodded shortly, fixing his gaze somewhere out the window. He didn't seem to be completely at ease; still, there was no doubt he wasn't even half as anxious as Blaine.

'Good,' Burt said at last. 'Don't you ever tell him that if you're not sure.'

'Does that mean you're fine with us being together?'

The question hung in the air for a moment.

'I'm not fine with it,' Burt sighed. 'You see, Kurt's been through a lot. He hasn't had an easy life, you know?'

Blaine wasn't sure that was an actual question, but he nodded nonetheless.

'We lost his mom, that was hard enough on him,' Burt went on. 'And, then there was that Neanderthal that bullied him…' A glance at Blaine's surprised expression told him clearly the boy didn't know the details. 'High school was rough on him. Thank god he was smart enough to break up with that boyfriend of his before he got his heart broken.'

Of that Blaine was more aware. Kurt had mentioned his first boyfriend from back in college a few times. The relationship didn't last long, Kurt ending it as soon as he'd realized that jealousy and possessiveness on Jason's part didn't go along with the kind of fidelity and loyalty he'd expected.

'I'm not going to break his heart,' Blaine said earnestly.

Burt smiled sadly at him.

'I know you wouldn't do that on purpose, kid. But it's not like you always know what you're doing.'

Blaine opened his mouth to protest, stopping the words halfway out. Burt was right. There was no use denying, because that was the truth. The undiluted, brutal truth that had to finally be accepted as just that. The truth. He had to admit that no matter what his feelings were, what Kurt's feelings were even, it was best to cut things short before they got too serious. Before either of them got hurt beyond repair.

'Don't get me wrong, Blaine,' Burt said, putting his hand on Blaine's shoulder. 'I think you're a good guy. Kurt wouldn't be so sure about you if you weren't. I'm just trying to look out for him. I worry, like any old man would.

The words were reaching Blaine's brain as if through a thick fog. He almost laughed mockingly at the last sentence. Well, his father definitely wouldn't worry. He wouldn't even care. Blaine couldn't even tell if he was more hurt by the fact that Burt didn't share his son's faith in him, or that near everything he said was painfully true.

Before Blaine had the time to gather his thoughts to respond, Kurt interrupted their conversation, bubbly and cheery at the sight of the two of them talking. He could see Blaine was still nervous, but meeting the parents was important and naturally nerve-wrecking.

Another hour was spent rather peacefully on coffee, TV and light-hearted chatter. None of these could take Blaine's mind off the conversation he'd had with Burt, though. The words were haunting him, tormenting every cell of his being. Only the hand that Kurt had locked on his kept Blaine from losing it.

Finally, whatever they were watching – Blaine couldn't focus enough to determine what it was – ended, and Kurt offered to walk his boyfriend home in a hope for some time alone and a kiss goodnight.

Despite Blaine's birthing resolve, he agreed. If he was going to do this, they'd at least be alone when he does. Nobody else had to see this.

'You're quiet,' Kurt said after they'd gone a few blocks in silence. 'Did my Dad tell you something?'

'No- not really.'

The lie sounded weak and Kurt wasn't fooled.

'Blaine, I know he told you something, if you don't tell me now, I'll ask him.'

Blaine groaned in frustration. He was still fighting with himself. Did leaving make as much sense as it seemed to him at first? Was Kurt going to be happier, better off without him? Why was he even asking himself that? Both answers were a short, confident "yes". And if he really did love Kurt, he'd give him the freedom to be as happy as he could be.

Being with Blaine would bring him nothing but misery.

'He didn't really tell me anything I shouldn't have already known,' Blaine said bitterly.

Kurt stopped dead in his tracks.

'Blaine, what's going on?,' he asked warily, dreading the answer. He could swear he knew what it was going to be.

By the time Blaine slipped his hand from Kurt's grasp, he was sure.

'Blaine, don't do this, please, don't do this,' Kurt whispered, his voice breaking.

They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, silent, both on the verge of tears. Saying the words that would end everything was impossible, so Blaine was grateful Kurt figured out his intentions.

'There's nothing I can give you,' Blaine said. 'And you deserve everything. You deserve the best, and I'm not even mediocre.'

Kurt shook his head frantically, desperately trying to find his voice.

'It's not true. Don't say that,' he managed at last. 'Don't, Blaine, don't do this.'

'I was selfish to believe this would work, Kurt,' Blaine said. 'You should have a good life, you should be happy. I hope you will be.'

With that, he turned away from Kurt, and started fast down the street. Tears were flooding his eyes and he barely could see where he was going.

'But I'm happy with you!,' Kurt called after him, unable to move his feet to catch up with him, to stop him from walking away.

It took all of Blaine's willpower to keep his legs moving forwards. He'd decided there was no going back. The most wonderful time in his life was over, just as it was bound to be from the beginning. Now every next step was taking him further from the budding hope that maybe, just maybe, he could have a life like everybody else.

And now he was alone again. Completely fucking alone.

'You're not alone, Blainey,' Cooper said.

'Shut up,' Blaine told him, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. As if crying like a baby in the middle of the street wasn't enough, now this had to happen.

'A little respect for your big brother,' came the indignant answer.

Blaine stayed quiet and picked up the pace. He had to get home before somebody noticed what was going on and got him locked up and pumped full of drugs. Though maybe that would be a good thing? Meds would numb him, maybe even enough to dull this pain. How could he even think he'd be able to function without them? Hoping he'd get a chance to live like a regular person was so ridiculously naïve he could barely believe he'd ever think it possible at all. He wasn't normal. Nothing about his life was normal. It couldn't simply, miraculously change as soon as there appeared someone who was willing to overlook it.

'Running, Blainey? Seriously?,' Cooper started again. 'Be a man, baby bro.'

'I am not going to talk to you,' Blaine said through his teeth, praying for none of the few passers-by to pay attention to them. To him.

He sped up a little more. Just another block and he'd be safe at the apartment. Wes and Seb would be around, and – hopefully – Cooper would leave. He wasn't little Blainey anymore, he didn't need Cooper. Exactly the same way he didn't need Winnie, didn't need Boo, or Kathryn, or Liam. All he needed was Kurt.

And yet there he was, fleeing from him and towards them.

***

Kurt had been standing there frozen for at least five minutes before his feet started to feel like maybe they could move again after all. Tears were streaming down his face, but he didn't really notice them. He cried silently, without a sob, too stunned to speak since his pleadings failed and Blaine disappeared around the corner.

But now he could at least move, so move he did. Without thinking, he started the same way Blaine had a moment ago.

He'd stop him. He wasn't going to let him go that easily. He wasn't going to let him go, period.

At first it had been just a way of filling a void, but it took one night spent with Blaine in his arms for him to get invested heart and soul in this. Now there was no going back to a life without Blaine. Because a life without Blaine would be as easy as it would be empty.

He pushed his feet faster on, thinking of nothing else than getting Blaine to believe this wasn't the way to go.

When he arrived at Wes' apartment, a few voices could be vaguely heard in bits of speech from inside, but he was unable to make out the words. He could swear he heard Blaine, Wes, Seb and another person, sounding disturbingly familiar to his boyfriend. But that was impossible.

Kurt knocked impatiently on the door, bracing himself for the tough conversation he was sure they were going to have. The voices on the inside died.

Sebastian opened the door before him. His expression was one of exhaustion combined with irritation.

'Just in time,' Seb said, letting Kurt through. 'He's been here five minutes and I've already had enough. I'm telling you, don't ever have teenage kids, they're a nightmare.'

'What?,' Kurt asked, bewildered, twirling around to face Seb.

'Oh, so you haven't- Oh.' Seb winced, pursing his lips. 'It's probably best to see this.'

Still not fully aware of what was going on, Kurt followed Sebastian into the living room. Wes was sitting at the counter that divided it from the kitchen and he acknowledged Kurt with a nod. But Kurt wasn't looking. His attention was consumed by Blaine, who was muttering to himself by the window, his back to the room.

'Cooper, don't be rude, say hello to Kurt,' Sebastian said, sounding possibly as much like a strict parent as he could.

Blaine turned around in a graceful movement, a cocky expression on his still tear-swollen face.

'Hello, Kurt,' Cooper said in a slightly mocking voice.

Before Kurt had time to respond, Blaine's face changed dramatically and he caught his temples with his hands.

'Go away, Cooper, please,' he groaned. 'I don't need you, just go away.'

This was the worst of his transitions. He had never felt this embarrassed, this helpless. Kurt was watching him as he pleaded his brother alter to leave him alone, and that was something he'd hoped would never happen.

'He transitioned?,' Kurt asked quietly.

'You could say that,' Seb replied. 'This is what it's usually like with Cooper, though. And he's an annoying little piece of shit.'

'Hey!,' Wes scolded him. 'Yes, he's not the most charming of them, but he's not that bad.'

Kurt listened to them, uncertain whether it was okay for him to go to Blaine. Cooper was apparently still there, and he could not be very happy about this. One more weak plea, though, was enough for Kurt to step in. Blaine was now on his knees, clutching his head so tightly his knuckles went white.

Kurt knelt next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. He had no idea what he was doing, but hoped his instincts wouldn't be wrong and he'd deal with Cooper like he'd dealt with the others.

'Blaine?,' he said quietly, making him lift his puffy eyes and drop his hands. 'I'm here, okay? I'm not going anywhere. Don't tell me to anymore.'

Unable to do anything else, Blaine nodded.

'Cooper? Are you still here?,' Kurt asked uncertainly.

Blaine's expression immediately changed into a smirk.

'Let me guess, you wanted to tell me you two don't need a chaperone,' Cooper said.

'I just wanted to talk to Blaine,' Kurt replied calmly. 'So if that's okay, could you-'

'Fine,' Cooper grumbled, rolling his eyes. 'Just don't you dare hurting my baby bro, or I'll cut you.'

Trying not to let his confusion show, Kurt swore not to do Blaine any harm. His boyfriend blinked a few times, feeling Cooper's presence slipping away. He was himself, only himself again. And again, Kurt was there, kneeling in front of him, reassuring and comforting.

Kurt cast a glance at Wes and Sebastian.

'Guys, could you give us a moment?'

'Of course,' Wes said, and hurried out of the room, dragging his roommate after him.

Without saying another word, Kurt got up and helped Blaine up. They settled quietly on the sofa, hands linked and eyes averted.

'So... That was Cooper, huh?,' Kurt said after a moment.

'Yeah,' Blaine confirmed. 'I'm sorry you had to see this.'

'I'm kinda glad I did. Like I said, I'm not going anywhere, Blaine. I know you didn't mean to break up. You just thought I didn't want you enough to handle this. But I do, I really do.'

Blaine was too exhausted to argue. And as much as he thought he wasn't the right choice of boyfriend for Kurt, he needed him to be in this exact spot at that moment.

'I just wish I could be normal, so that you didn't have to deal with this,' he said quietly.

'I know. But this is my decision, okay? I want to be here. I don't want anyone else. I love you.'

Blaine's breath hitched in his throat at the words, and the sheepish smile that tugged on Kurt's lips when he realised what he'd just said.

'I think I love you, too,' Blaine whispered, overwhelmed.

'You didn't have to say it back, you know.'

'I wanted to,' he insisted. 'Loving someone is wanting whatever is best for them, and that's what I want for you.'

Kurt leant to place a kiss on Blaine's cheek.

'I know that,' he breathed. 'And I think you're what's best for me.'

'So you won't let me leave?'

'Not unless you mean it,' Kurt said solemnly. He bit his lip, torn whether or not he should ask the question that had been bothering him ever since his short exchange with Cooper. 'Can you tell me something?'

'What kind of something?'

The hazel eyes were boring into Kurt's face, and he sighed deeply, hoping he wouldn't cause another transition.

'It's about what Cooper said. He called you his baby bro. Why?'

Blaine nodded infinitesimally, dropping his gaze.

'Because he is my brother. Was my brother.'

'What happened?,' Kurt asked quietly.

The answer didn't come for a long time, but he didn't rush Blaine. No other alter was emerging, even though Blaine began to tremble slightly. Kurt traced his fingers soothingly down his back and it seemed to be helping.

'We were in a- a car accident when I was little. I don't really remember anything, I just know what people have told me. It was bad, we hit a tree and- You know, the car was totalled, it was like half the size after that- Cooper and my Mom- they didn't make it.'