Chapter 13: Sessions

‘You look particularly chipper today,’ Dr. Peterson stated, when Blaine settled in the sofa opposite her on Tuesday afternoon.

Blaine couldn’t help but beam at her. Friday had been a little of a disappointment because of Boo’s appearance, yet the rest of the weekend went by in peace. They even managed to grab some lunch with Rachel on Sunday, so she got a chance to apologize, and everything was set straight between them. After all, he really did like her, even if she was a tad tiring in big dozes.

‘I’m feeling quite good recently, to be honest,’ Blaine admitted.

Dr. Peterson scanned his face that hadn’t lost any of its joyfulness since he came into the room.

‘Is there a specific reason for that?’

‘Kurt.’

There was no hesitation, no delay to the answer. Blaine’s heart pounded faster in his chest, almost making him implode with the happiness that was filling him.

‘Oh. So... I take it you’ve met again?,’ she asked cautiously.

Answering this question required Blaine to take a deep breath to calm himself. The thought of what he and Kurt apparently had now was still overwhelming.

‘I guess I could say that me and Kurt are... together,’ he said, stressing every word.

Blaine expected his therapist to be overjoyed or congratulate him, or at least to tell him it was good news. Instead, lines of concern appeared on her forehead, as she dropped her eyes to jot something down in her notes.

‘Isn’t it good that I’m happy?,’ he asked in confusion.

Dr. Peterson sighed, taking off her glasses and turning them around in her hands a few times.

‘Blaine,’ she said finally. ‘I know that this must be thrilling for you. I know this was what you wished for.’

‘Then what is it?’ His expression changed beyond recognition. Nothing of the earlier joy, enthusiasm and hope were left, chased away by fear and disillusionment.

‘I’m afraid you might get too invested in something that won’t necessarily last. I’m not saying your relationship is doomed,’ she added hastily, seeing Blaine was getting angry and about to interrupt her. ‘But this is still a very new thing, isn’t it? I just want you to be careful.’

Blaine nodded, biting his tongue in order not to shout at his shrink. He needed to take a beat to simmer down, before he replied.

‘Okay, I get it,’ he said eventually. ‘And I am being careful, but with Kurt it’s like- I feel calm. And even when I don’t, I don’t feel like transitioning. Most of the time anyway.’

One of Dr. Peterson’s eyebrows quirked quizzically.

‘Most of the time? Did you transition in the last two weeks?’

‘Twice. But it doesn’t matter.’ He really didn’t want to dwell on either of those visits.

‘May I remind you, Blaine, this is why we’re here to begin with,’ Dr Peterson reminded him. ‘I need to know what happened.’

Reluctantly, Blaine gave her a short account of what he knew about both of the transitions, leaving out the more personal – as well as the more embarrassing details – like the flowers, making out and his ridiculous breakdown. What interested Dr. Peterson the most was the moment of co-consciousness with Boo that Blaine experienced on Friday.

‘That had never happened before, had it?,’ she asked, flipping the pages of notes in her lap.

‘Never.’

‘How did it feel?’

Blaine’s mind drifted back to that moment, focusing on the sensation.

‘I don’t know... It’s hard to describe.’ He shook his head impatiently. ‘It was like- like I was watching everything through a film, I was there, but Boo was there too. I don’t know.’

‘So it was different than what it’s like for you with Cooper?’

‘Cooper’s different. He’s always been different, you know that,’ Blaine said, rubbing his forehead in frustration. ‘It was like he- like Boo was letting me come back. Like he was telling me, “You can come back, it’s safe now”.’

‘Was it safe?’

‘It was.’

Dr. Peterson nodded in acknowledgement, her expression thoughtful.

‘Did he communicate with you? Did he say anything?’

‘No, he didn’t say anything,’ Blaine told her. ‘It’s not like he’s a chatterbox, anyway. He only kinda- It felt like he was letting me in to see his memories.’

The last bit was the toughest one to admit. The knowledge what the memories held made it even harder. He didn’t want to dwell on the fact that for the briefest moment he had access to everything that made his life what it was, a prison that had him trapped between four personalities instead of walls. It wouldn’t have changed anything to go through that. Living it once sufficed to provide him with enough trauma for a few lifetimes.

‘And did you? See Boo’s memories?’ Dr. Peterson lowered her voice to a soothing whisper.

‘No.’

‘Do you regret not doing that?’

Blaine swallowed.

‘No.’

‘Why?,’ she asked softly.

‘What difference would it make?,’ Blaine said a little more angrily than he’d intended. ‘I know what happened. I don’t have to have the visuals added to the facts. There’s a reason why I don’t remember. There’s a reason why Boo does and I don’t. There’s a reason why my brain shut that off. And I’ve had enough of DID, PTSD, depression, and- everything else because of what happened. I don’t need another round of those, just because my alter thought it was a good time to share.’

‘So it wasn’t a good time to share?’

Blaine rolled his eyes.

‘No, it wasn’t. It doesn’t even matter, it would never be a good time to share- that.’

Dr. Peterson nodded slowly; it was clear Blaine wasn’t going to say anything more about his latest transition, and she wasn’t going to press him. He was already stressed, and making it worse would be entirely counter-productive.

‘Okay,’ she said, smoothing out her notes. ‘Let’s go back to Kurt.’

‘What about him?’

‘I’d like to meet him.’

***

Kurt was tapping his foot rapidly on the waiting room floor. This was the first time ever he was in an actual shrink’s office and it made him uneasy. Not only because it was a psychiatrist, but mostly because he would really hate to screw something up for Blaine.

It took him by surprise when Blaine called him yesterday to ask if he could spare an hour around lunch today to go see his therapist. Without even taking a beat to consider it, he said yes. Lunchtime was usually when everyone was sneaking out to eat anyway, unless they were about to close the issue, and that wasn’t the case. Only after the call had ended, Kurt began to wonder what that could mean. It was going to be a test, that was sure. Dr. Peterson was going to see whether he was fit to be with Blaine or not.

The door to her office opened widely, revealing the woman that had to be Dr. Peterson herself. Kurt couldn’t stop himself from thinking she looked like a small tree in that shapeless green sweater and brown pants. Her hair needed a gigantic doze of conditioner, stat, as it eerily resembled a triangle.

‘You must be Mr Hummel,’ she greeted him, extending her hand for him to shake, as he jumped to his feet.

‘Kurt, please. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Peterson.’

‘Pleasure is all mine, Kurt,’ she replied with a smile. ‘Let’s come in, shall we?’

Kurt followed her into the room, fidgeting, but fighting to keep a polite smile on his face. The interior was the stereotypical shrink’s office; walls covered in diplomas, shelves full of books on all kinds of disorders and illnesses one could find, a soft, leather sofa for the patient and a deep armchair for the doctor.

‘Oh, lots of diplomas, nice,’ Kurt commented, pointing a slightly shaky finger at one of the walls.

‘Well, yes, I need to show off a little sometimes,’ she answered with a kind smile. ‘Kurt, do you have a theory as to why I asked you to come?’

His smile faltered, as he nodded.

‘I suppose you wanted to test me.’

Dr. Peterson let out a short chuckle.

‘Yes, you could say that,’ she admitted. ‘I have been treating Blaine for his DID and all the conditions that accompany it ever since he moved to New York, and...’

‘Wait a second,’ Kurt cut in, frowning. ‘All the conditions that accompany it? What do you mean, exactly?’

‘I take it Blaine never told you about his other problems?,’ she asked with a sigh. Kurt shook his head. ‘I can’t disclose any details, as you may be aware, but dissociative identity disorder usually is linked with other conditions, including borderline personality disorder, Asperger syndrome, bipolar disorder, PTSD, epilepsy, depression, neurological disorders, and many more.’

For a second the amount of illnesses that Dr. Peterson listed knocked Kurt out of breath. Everything around him seemed hazy, and he thought he’d suffocate or break into tears, or start screaming.

‘What does he have?,’ he finally choked out.

‘Thankfully, the number of Blaine’s co-morbid disorders is below average,’ Dr. Peterson said soothingly. ‘Apart from his DID, I’ve been treating him for PTSD and depression. But as to the latter, I think we have that under control for now, and I have to admit, it might partly be thanks to you.’

Kurt nodded infinitesimally, almost smiling at the mention of him apparently making Blaine a little bit better. He couldn’t, however, stop the sickening rush of memories at that dreadful acronym that preceded that.

‘I did have a suspicion that he could have Asperger’s as well, but further tests disproved that theory,’ Dr. Peterson continued. ‘He’s simply very shy, and getting him to open up took some time. We’ve been working on that for a few years now.’

‘Do you have any questions for me?,’ Kurt said, gathering all the composure he could muster. ‘I guess I’m ready for that test.’

Dr. Peterson smiled at him, folding her hands neatly in her lap and fixing her gaze directly on Kurt’s face.

‘Are you ready to embrace everything that Blaine is? I hope you do realise that being with him is going to be no picnic.’

‘I’m not sure I’m ready,’ Kurt began, carefully picking his words. ‘But who ever is? I’ve made a decision to be there for him, whether as his boyfriend, or just a friend, because I figured there are never enough people one can have in their life.’

‘It’s very noble of you. Not to mention selfless.’ Kurt could swear she looked positively impressed. ‘Still, have you ever had anything to do with someone suffering from a mental condition?’

‘No, I’ve never-‘ His voice trailed off as he remembered that one time in Glee club, when they were having that Born This Way week, and Ms Pillsbury had them make those T-shirts that spelt out something they had to come to accept about themselves. ‘Actually, I have. There was a guidance counsellor at my high school who suffered from severe OCD. But that’s different-‘

‘It is, but that’s something.’ Dr. Peterson sighed heavily. ‘It would be useful to have someone to talk to about dealing with things like this, though, someone who understands that not everything is in our control.’

There was a lot of truth in what she was saying. Kurt couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of that earlier, and neither had Rachel. Maybe he could call Mr Schue for some advice? ODC was no DID, but was still a tough thing to handle. And he didn’t have to be reminded there were things he had no power over. He winced as the memories flooded his mind again.

‘I know I can’t control everything,’ he said, his voice quivering slightly.

His words rang in the room for a moment. Kurt dropped his eyes to the floor, his hands tightened into fists in his lap. Nothing slipped Dr. Peterson’s attention.

‘Kurt? Is there something you would want to share with me?’