Chapter 9: Sharing

Hours passed them by so quickly, they could swear something was wrong with the time continuum. When their stomachs finally reminded them neither had eaten all day, they ordered pizza, but they stayed sprawled on Blaine’s bed. It felt like they had their own little piece of paradise in that small corner of the apartment.

‘Would it be okay if I came to one of your gigs?,’ Kurt asked, reaching for another slice of pizza.

Blaine was quiet for a moment, his eyes wandering as far away from Kurt’s as was possible.

‘I- I guess so,’ he mumbled at last. ‘It’s just- I kinda get stressed from even thinking about it.’ He sent Kurt an apologetic smile.

‘It must be tough with a stage fright like that.’

‘It’s not that.’ Blaine shook his head, feeling silly. ‘I normally don’t have a stage fright. At all. It’s more that- I’m afraid you being there would make me nervous.’

‘Oh.’ Kurt’s expression fell. And he’d started to think they were getting somewhere, that somehow Blaine could relax around him and not worry.

At the sight of the sudden change in Kurt’s face, Blaine almost lunged forward, grasping his boyfriend’s free hand.

‘I mean that I don’t want you to think I suck.’

‘You couldn’t possibly suck,’ Kurt said, his eyes shiny and sincere, as he leaned to plant a kiss on Blaine’s lips. He tasted of the pepperoni they were having. ‘So can I come to one of your gigs?’

Blaine couldn’t help but smile and nod.

‘Yeah, I guess you can.’ He bit his lip. ‘Just- don’t be surprised if I freak out a little when you show up.’

Kurt squeezed his hand lightly.

‘I won’t be. I get that,’ he said. ‘When I was in show choir and I had even a line of solo in a competition, I would be petrified.’

‘You were in show choir?,’ Blaine asked, pleasantly surprised.

Kurt nodded, taking a huge bite of pizza.

‘Yup, since sophomore year,’ he said, swallowing the mouthful. ‘We even went to nationals twice and won once.’

‘It’s a bummer we never met at sectionals or regionals,’ Blaine said. ‘ But then, we’d be rivals that would be an even greater bummer.’

Kurt agreed with a smile. Maybe it was better for them to meet now and not in high school. At least they were past the awkwardness of adolescence.

‘What was your glee club’s name? I could’ve heard about you back in the day,’ he said. ‘I was in the McKinley High New Directions.’

‘The Dalton Academy Warblers,’ Blaine replied proudly.

‘Ooh, you’re a prep school boy! I should’ve guessed.’

Blaine frowned at him.

‘Why?’

‘Because you’re so well-mannered, dapper and polite. And that’s a total compliment,’ Kurt hastened to add.

‘Would you peg Sebastian for a prep school boy, though?’

‘Not really. Wes, maybe.’

‘We were all in the Warblers,’ Blaine explained. ‘This was part of the reason why they agreed to be roommates with me. I couldn’t live alone, for obvious reasons, and Sebastian’s parents wanted someone to keep an eye on his not to get in trouble too much.’

‘And Wes?’

‘You know, Wes is just a good guy and a great friend, so he took us in. This is his apartment really.’

They fell into a comfortable silence for a while, munching on their food and exchanging little smiles and longing glances. Until Kurt chose to speak again and immediately regretted doing so.

‘And what about your parents? You’ve never mentioned them.’

The way Blaine’s body tensed and his breath hitched told Kurt that it was exactly what he shouldn’t have asked about. If Blaine wasn’t saying something , it meant that something was a potential trigger for him.

‘Oh my god, Blaine, I am so sorry, I didn’t meant to- Please, just forget I said anything.’ Kurt’s tone and eyes were pleading.

Blaine inhaled deeply, focusing with all his might on the reality in front of him. He thought he should probably be angry with Kurt, but on the other hand, he’d had no way of knowing it was a dangerous subject to touch upon.

‘No, it’s fine, you didn’t know,’ he managed finally. He was on the verge of lucidity, but held onto it as strongly as he could, desperate not to lose it.

‘Still, I should’ve been more considerate,’ Kurt mumbled, covering Blaine’s hand with his own in a reassuring gesture.

Blaine nodded reluctantly. Being treated like a rotten egg was one of the things he hated most about his DID. It made him feel weak, fragile and inadequate. Like he never got a chance to grow up; he was a twenty three year-old infant that everyone had to handle with care not do him any harm.

‘But you should know,’ he said after a moment’s pause. ‘And I will tell you everything. I’m just not sure I’m ready.’

‘Don’t worry about it.’ Kurt was tracing soothing circles on the back of Blaine’s hand, making his breath steady.

‘My parents…,’ Blaine started uncertainly. ‘My Dad’s an asshole alcoholic. It’s sad, but it’s also true.’

Kurt decided it was best to let him talk, at least for as long as he was relatively calm. Interrupting now could make him shut up again, and maybe it wouldn’t end in a disaster, if he got some of his dark secrets off his chest. And even if it ended up with a visit from one of the alters, Kurt believed he could handle it.

‘I haven’t seen him since my Grandma- passed away last year. That wasn’t a nice meeting, though.’ Blaine sighed. The vivid image of his father disturbing Grandma’s memorial service had ceased to piss him off; now it only seemed to him profoundly sad. ‘Grandma was my best friend, my hero, my defender. She drove me to as many psychiatrists as it took for them to finally admit I was not schizophrenic.’ He caught Kurt’s querying look and added, ’Fourteen. Ten of them didn’t even mention DID as a probable diagnosis. They either didn’t believe it existed – which happens, trust me – or simply couldn’t see the symptoms. The others… they just thought I was hearing voices, because they only ever met C- one of my alters.’

‘How could psychiatrists not believe in a mental illness?,’ Kurt couldn’t stop himself from asking.

Blaine wasn’t offended by the question; he often wondered the exact same thing.

‘I suppose it’s because the mind is much more tricky to investigate than the body.’ He shrugged, even though it still made him angry to know people thought he was making everything up. As if anybody would pretend to get their body hijacked by alter egos every once in a while. ‘Some shrinks think it’s a way of getting attention. That people like me- that we lie about not being able to control the alters. That we pretend to have other personalities to be noticed or to not be blamed for whatever the alters do.’

Kurt was listening to every word, his rage increasing with each one. They sounded awfully, terrifyingly familiar.

‘Why would anyone choose to pretend to be sick? I mean-‘ His voice trailed off. He’d rather not risk triggering Blaine again.

‘I know. In a way- It’s a little like what they say about choosing to be gay,’ Blaine said, unknowingly mirroring Kurt’s thoughts.

‘It is,’ Kurt agreed, pulling his boyfriend close to his chest. ‘I wish someone as amazing as you didn’t have to go through all this.’

‘Yeah, me too,’ Blaine sighed, Kurt’s scent filling his nostrils when he inhaled again. It was soothing and astonishingly mind-clearing. ‘Wait, you said I was amazing.’

‘I did.’

‘Thanks,’ Blaine mumbled, trying to contain the euphoria that came over him for a moment.

Sitting with arms around each other and speaking nothing seemed effortless and comfortable when they were together. However, Blaine still had something he wanted to tell Kurt. Not the whole story, he wasn’t ready for that yet, but he felt compelled to let this piece of information out.

‘My Mom’s dead,’ he muttered barely loud enough for his boyfriend to make out the words.

‘So is mine,’ Kurt replied, not sure if the time was right for him to share.

‘How did she-?,’ Blaine paused and swallowed. God, he hated that word.

‘She was in a bad car crash.’

As soon as the words were out, Blaine’s muscles stiffened under Kurt’s touch. His breath turned shallow and ragged.

‘Blaine.’ Kurt grabbed Blaine’s face between his hands, holding his gaze. ‘Breathe, sweetie. Breathe.’

Watching Blaine fight with his alters for control, balancing on the edge of lucidity, was heart-wrenching. His eyes would lose focus every other second, but he kept on gulping for air as if he was drowning.

Finally, his breath steadied, his gaze locking on Kurt’s.

‘I’m fine,’ he choked out. ‘I thought I- I could talk about- this, but-‘

His eyes were filling with tears, stupid fucking tears, and now he began to wish he hadn’t struggled. Sometimes it was easier to give in.

‘Shh, Blaine, it’s okay, I don’t mind. We’ll talk when you’re ready.’

Kurt held him closer, rubbing his back in an attempt to quiet the sobs that shook his frame. Seeing Blaine crying made him feel like crying, too.

‘I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment,’ Blaine muttered between sobs.

‘You are not a disappointment,’ Kurt whispered straight into his ear.