Chapter 7: I Know What I Want

Blaine blinked a few times, trying to adjust his eyes to the morning brightness. His brain was fuzzy from sleep and a minute passed before he remembered everything. Or rather realized he didn’t remember a thing.

His eyes snapped open widely and he sat up. There was no need to look down to make sure he was wearing Kathryn’s silk nightdress, but he did it anyway. He covered his face with his hands, trying his best not to break down into tears.

Never before had he wished so much to stay lucid as he had the previous day – if it even was the previous day. He’d tried everything just to stay calm and not freak out, and just be himself. But somehow his insecurities and fears had taken the best of him and ruined everything, his probably only chance of maybe getting to live a full life. Why did this fucking illness have to get him down to earth and tear down every single hope and dream he’d ever had? Why couldn’t it just stop?

Blaine hurried out of bed, tearing off Kathryn’s clothes on his way to the closet. He wished he could go back to yesterday morning and not transition this time. But all he could do was try and push Kathryn’s visit out of his mind.

He put on a t-shirt and a pair of sweats, and he was just about to flop back to the bed, when a glimpse of pink on his piano caught his eye.

A sweet small bouquet of pink carnations was standing there in a white vase. There was no note or anything, but there was only one person who’d bring him flowers. Too bad Kurt wasn’t coming back.

Tears were filling his eyes again, and this time he didn’t even bother to try and blink them away. He threw himself onto the bed and hugged his pillow. Sebastian and Wes weren’t the best people to offer him a shoulder to cry on. And fuck, he needed to cry.

The first streams rolled down his face, and into the pillow. He felt a little like he was drowning in the tears he had in him after that date failure, oblivious to everything but the comforting warmth of his bed and the sorrow that he wanted to leave behind him. Crying it all out seemed like a good idea.

He was so consumed by his misery that he didn’t hear the footsteps in the hallway or the quietly opened door. Blaine only noticed he wasn’t alone anymore when it slid back close with a bang, and he jumped upright on the bed, his eyes red and wet.

‘Kurt?,’ he mumbled, hastily wiping the tears away. And he’d thought he couldn’t screw things up any further.

‘I hoped you wouldn’t wake up while I’m gone, I only left for a moment,’ Kurt said frantically. He’d never been as terrified by tears; hell, normally he was comfortable with them, whether they were his or someone else’s. Now he only wanted Blaine’s tears to stop.

‘What?,’ Blaine asked in disbelief. ‘You- you were here?’

Kurt dropped his gaze to the bunch of white roses he was holding in his hand. He wouldn’t have left if he hadn’t decided to get Blaine flowers and actually give them to him. He couldn’t even be sure Blaine would be back already when he wakes up, but he stupidly made up his mind about it anyway.

‘Yeah. I just- I wanted to get you these,’ he said, holding the flowers up to Blaine.

In his surprise and with his eyes still half-full of tears, Blaine hadn’t noticed the roses in Kurt’s hand earlier. He gasped and froze, unable to reach for them.

‘You got me flowers?,’ he asked weakly.

Kurt’s cheeks turned scarlet.

‘I guess it wasn’t the best idea,’ he muttered. ‘Those were supposed to be for you, too,’ he motioned to the carnations on the piano, ‘but- um- Kathryn was here, so she got them instead. I wanted to make it up to you, so-‘

‘You got me roses.’

‘I got you roses,’ Kurt confirmed, feeling terribly awkward standing there like a moron with a bunch of stupid flowers in his extended hand, and Blaine watching him with saucer-sized puffy red eyes.

‘No one had ever given me flowers,’ Blaine said quietly, unable to grasp that apparently this was reality. Not some beautifully improbable dream he’d soon wake up from.

He finally reached out to take the roses out of Kurt’s hand. They were perfect, snow white and flawless.

‘Thank you, they’re beautiful,’ he whispered.

Blaine stared at the flowers in silence for a moment, Kurt watching him all the while, unsure what to do.

‘Do you want me to go?,’ he asked at last, making Blaine jerk his head up in confusion.

‘No. Why- Do you want to go?’ Blaine’s voice tensed, barely audible.

Kurt shook his head violently. Now that Blaine was back, there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

‘Why did you even stay?,’ Blaine asked, incredulity clear in his tone. ‘I screwed everything up, so why would you want to stay?’

It hurt to hear him question himself so much. Kurt leapt forwards, sitting in front of him on the bed and putting his hands on the sides of Blaine’s face. He would’ve grabbed his hands, but they were still occupied with the bouquet.

‘You didn’t screw anything up. If anybody screwed up, it was me, because I didn’t think it could be this stressful for you. I stayed, because I wanted you to know you are not alone. I wanted you to know you can count on me. I’m not going anywhere.’

Before Blaine knew it, there were fresh tears flowing down his cheeks, sprinkling the roses with salty dew.

‘But I- I have nothing to offer,’ he stammered through the tears. ‘I’m- crazy and- it’s not going to change, no matter how much I want it to.’

He looked up at Kurt helplessly.

‘Shh, I know. I know what all of this means for me.’ Kurt looked straight into Blaine’s eyes, not letting him avert his gaze. ‘And I know what I want.’

Blaine was so overwhelmed he thought he’d transition any second. But nothing happened. He was still himself, staring with disbelief into those amazing blue eyes in front of him.

Until those eyes slid a couple of inches down and up again, more intense than he’d ever seen them, and not three seconds later there were lips on his lips, soft and sweet. He couldn’t help but close his eyes and sigh into the kiss that he hadn’t even been fully aware he longed for so badly.

When they finally broke apart, they were both breathless, even though the kiss was chaste and simple. Somehow, they both felt as if somebody kicked them in the chest, knocking air out of their lungs.

‘Are you sure? Really, really sure this is what you want?,’ Blaine whispered, leaning his forehead on Kurt’s.

‘Yes, I’m sure. I couldn’t be surer.’

‘But you know I can’t guarantee to always be here? I’m not really available to be a twenty four seven kind of- boyfriend.’ He hesitated at the last word. Was it really what they were about to become? Boyfriends?

‘I know. But I’ll be here twenty four seven. Whenever you need me. Or whenever any of the others needs me, I’ll be here, too.’

Blaine closed his eyes; the improbability of this moment was dizzying. He’d never thought it would be possible, but there it was. Real and tangible.

‘You have no idea how much it means to me,’ he breathed.

‘And it means a lot to me that you want me around,’ Kurt said. It was simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating to say all of these things. But he wasn’t lying, he didn’t doubt his decision was right, not for a moment.