Letter 20: Kurt. October 18th

These days have come and gone
But this time is sweeter than honey

(Evanescence – So Close)

The continuous beeping sound of the heart monitor was definitely something Kurt expected. This was something he’d seen in movies multiple times. The theatrical dramatic effect it created was cheesy and pathetic, but now, when it was no screen fiction, it became the worst sound in the universe. He just wanted somebody to switch it off, to make it go away, this blatant proof that Blaine really being gone. He wanted to put his hand over his ears, but couldn’t, his hands still firmly grasping one of Blaine’s, still warm, as if he was just peacefully asleep.

A nurse finally came to unplug the machines. The beeping ended, but Kurt could still hear it echoing in his mind. Because the reason behind the sound couldn’t go away. The painful emptiness that was beginning to fill Kurt’s whole body wasn’t something he could just switch off.

They tried to cover Blaine’s face with a sheet and wheel him out of the room; Kurt didn’t let them. Seeing his ghost-like face, paler than it had ever been in his life, they let him stay a little while longer.

He wished he could stay there forever, just holding Blaine’s hand, not letting it grow cold. As long as he was there, their skin still touching, he could pretend his world hadn’t just fallen apart.

But then they couldn’t let him linger any longer. They had to almost tear Blaine’s hand out of Kurt’s grasp, as he fought for just one more second of this delusive closeness to his husband.

And when the gurney disappeared in the morgue-bound elevator, Kurt collapsed to the floor, broken like a china vase. Nothing could ever piece him together again.

***

The day was quite warm for the second half of October. The trees scattered all over the cemetery shined golden and red against the azure sky. A tiny breeze ruffled Kurt’s hair as he treaded the infrequently visited path.

It felt strange to come here today. It felt strange to remind himself that it had been a year since his world came crashing down over him. Three hundred sixty six days without Blaine.

But somehow he managed to collect the pieces that Blaine’s death had left him. Not all of them, some were gone and irretrievable, yet enough to start and build himself up anew. Nothing was going to be the same. He would never feel the love that he got from Blaine again, and he would never love anyone as much as he loved Blaine.

But then, Blaine was right; life went on, Kurt was still here and he couldn’t give up on everything. He had to adapt.

The familiar headstone emerged from behind a few other ones. Kurt’s heart felt heavy in his chest, but he ignored the sensation. He had to do this. Maybe it wouldn’t make the pain go away in an instant, but maybe it was a way to get over the worst of it.

‘Hi, honey,’ he said. This time he didn’t even feel silly for doing this. ‘You left me letters, so I thought I could write you one, too. It’s not that I’ve changed my mind and I believe you’re looking down at me from heaven now. I haven’t started to believe. But there’s still a chance you’re going to hear me, right? Who knows… And even if you’re really gone, I can imagine you’re here, right next to me, with that beautiful smile on your lips, and those amazing eyes of yours sparkling like they always did.’

Saying the words almost convinced him Blaine appeared right there, standing just next to the tombstone, with the exact expression Kurt had envisaged.

He pulled out a simple bluish envelope from his coat’s pocket, and produced a piece of paper from inside.

Kurt cleared his throat and began reading aloud.

My most beloved Blaine,

I realize this is probably pointless, but I don’t really care about that right now. That’s not the point of this letter.

The last twelve months have been torture. This world seems incomplete without you. My world is without a doubt not whole anymore, and will never be again.

But then, you were still somehow, vicariously, in my life, through your letters that eased the pain and made me smile when I was forgetting there was such a thing as joy in the world at all.

Anyway, the real reason why I’m saying all this, is to thank you. You thanked me so many times in your letters, so now a thank you is in order from me.

You gave me the most precious gift anyone can ever get from another person – an unconditional, unending, ever-supportive, death-conquering love. Many people could say – and have said – that we were doomed, that we married too young, that high-school sweethearts never make it in the “real world”. But we did. Because we weren’t just any high-school couple, were we?

It’s so rare for people to meet their soul mate, to get to be with them, to know the kind of love that we shared. And we knew, almost from the beginning, that we were meant to be.

And I could go around now, moping that all the best things in my life are gone never to come back. But you know what? I’m not going to. I’m going to accept that the happiest time in my life is gone, but I’m never going to forget that I lived it. I lived a fairy tale for years, with a handsome knight in shining armor by my side.

I am never going to stop appreciating that I got to have all this.

I think I will eventually go on with my life. Maybe even I will find someone to share it with, as you wanted me to. But you will always remain the love of my life. The one and only for me.

I will never ever stop loving you,

Kurt.

With a sigh, Kurt folded the letter again and stuffed it back into the envelope. Then he leaned forward to cram it in between two elements of the tombstone, just to make sure wind wouldn’t blow it away.

He could still see his husband standing in front of him. It was comforting, even though Kurt knew it was just a figment of his imagination. The corners of his lips pulled up slightly.

‘See you,’ he said, Blaine’s mouth forming a smile identical to his own.

Kurt turned around, heading back to the cemetery gate.