Letter 13: April 6th

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

(Evanescence – Field of Innocence)

Kurt was standing at the edge of water in front of the Doges Palace, waiting for Blaine to finish his photographing spree around Piazza San Marco. Kurt had already seen everything he wanted to see in the square and was now enjoying the warmth of Italian sun on his skin, mixed with the cool breeze blowing from over the water. He closed his eyes; if not for the millions of tourists buzzing around Venice, he would consider the place heaven.

Then somebody's arms encircled his waist and he jumped up startled. But the chin resting on his shoulder and the brush of gelled-down hair on his ear told him it was just his husband.

'It's beautiful, isn't it?,' Blaine asked, looking ahead at the slightly bluish silhouettes of San Giorgio Maggiore and Giudecca.

'It is,' replied Kurt, once again closing his eyes.

'Then why are you standing here and not looking?' Blaine's lips touched Kurt's cheek gently.

'I like the sun. And the wind. It's all so nice.'

Blaine chuckled, hugging Kurt more tightly.

'The Rialto Bridge?'

Kurt opened his eyes reluctantly, and nodded, slipping out of Blaine's embrace and taking his hand instead.

They picked their way through the bustling crowd in Piazza San Marco, passed the basilica, and started squeezing past other tourists in the narrow streets and tiny romantic bridges. Following the charming little alleys, they ended up at a square in front of another old church by one of the channels. Forced to take a moment's break to study the map, they didn't mind it in the slightest. As long as they were wandering around Venice together, nothing could diminish their mood.

After finally reaching the Rialto Bridge, they agreed it was a disappointment; it was crowded and severely overrated, stalls bending under tones of cheap made-in-China souvenirs were everywhere.

Sundown found them in a gondola drifting down the Grand Canal. They pointed to each other the landmarks they have already covered in the last two days of their random trips around the city. They exchanged loving looks, and subtle romantic kisses, to the disgruntlement of their gondolier, who tried not to turn his gaze in their direction.

But they didn't care. Nothing could spoil this trip for them.

***

That night Kurt thought he could live in Venice. His gaze was fixed on the open window that looked over the Grand Canal, while Blaine was snuggled behind him, holding him close to his own body. They had peace and quiet, and could be doing anything. But they chose to spend this night cuddling innocently. The town renewed their romantic sides.

'I could stay here forever,' Kurt muttered, breaking the silence.

'But you hate the tourists.'

Kurt shrugged a little.

'I'd ban them from coming. Or I'd let them come for two hours of sightseeing a day. And then, we'd have all those bridges and streets to ourselves.'

He twisted his head to plant a short kiss on Blaine's mouth.

'We'll move here someday,' said Blaine, making Kurt's lips curl into a wide beaming smile.

***

Kurt shivered, sticking his hands into his coat's pockets. It all felt so strange. The view from the edge of Piazza San Marco was as beautiful as ever. The glistening waters between the Piazza and San Giorgio Maggiore reflected the spring sun the same way it did five years prior, causing Kurt to close his eyes, just like then.

But his eyelids fluttered open a few seconds later. He squinted in the dazzling sunlight.

It seemed colder, less friendly, less pleasant as it had then. The wind coming from the bay tore at his clothes and hair, instead of coming in caressing gusts like that one time before.

And then, there was nobody to come and grab him in a hug.

And there was nobody to share the bed at the same old hotel by the Grand Canal.

Kurt insisted to take the same room as five years ago, even though it was a double. He didn't care about the extra costs. It was a streak of luck that the room was empty anyway. If he believed in a higher power, he'd consider it a sign. But he only thought of it as a happy coincidence.

Until the moment he entered the room, his hastily packed suitcase in hand, and turned around to send Blaine a smile. And realized there was no one behind him.

Because now he was alone.

He felt as if a someone thrust their hand inside his chest and squeezed his heart, barely letting it beat on. The tormented muscle struggled to pump the blood, but the pain was so overwhelming, it felt ready to give way and stop fighting.

Slamming the door behind him, Kurt slumped onto the bed and curled into a ball. Silent, choked sobs shook his frame. His lungs began to burn, as the oxygen they were getting was barely enough for him not to suffocate.

Kurt fumbled in his pockets, all the while fighting for a breath. And when his fingers locked on the already creased envelope, he managed to catch a gulp of air.

He didn't open the letter, he didn't need to. He'd been rereading it over and over again on the plane.

The decision to come here again was the most impulsive thing he'd ever done in his life. He didn't even know what the purpose was. He just felt like he had to do it.

***

Darling, darling Kurt,

Do you remember our trip to Venice? It's been four years, almost to the day. I was just cleaning up my laptop, and stumbled upon all the pictures we took. Or, more accurately, I took.

Those were amazing two weeks, don't you think? Some of my favorite memories are from that short time.

Do you remember that one night, when it started raining, but you refused to go back to the hotel, and you grabbed me and kissed full on the mouth in the pouring rain on some teensy bridge? And then you said you always wanted to get to kiss the love of your life in the rain, like Allie and Noah in The Notebook. I love how huge a romantic you are.

I wish we could move there, just like you wanted. But with everything that's going on… I'm so sorry I can't keep my word. I wish I could. Living in Venice with you would be heaven.

No, I changed my mind. Living with you is heaven. I don't need anything else. And in a way I'd like you to think the same. But then, I wish you to just live. Be it with or without me.

And when I'm gone, you'll have these letters, and those memories. We'll always have Venice.

I love you,

Blaine.