Kurt closed his eyes, leaning into the touch easily, prepared to give into Blaine’s touch easily. But the second Blaine pulled away, the trance he had felt like he was in was gone. Kurt’s empty check fell, his head hanging, his eyes meeting the floor once more. He heard Blaine’s words, saying they needed to get out of the house, and he agreed, he knew they needed to cool off a bit, not be the only two people near each other. There was too much tension, and it was causing Kurt stress. He looked up finally and nodded. “Yeah, yeah I think we should. Just…just give me a few minutes? And then we can go wherever you want,” he said, trying to give Blaine a supportive smile, remembering how alone he must have felt. As hard as this was on Kurt, Blaine was the one that needed this, he needed warmth, and Kurt would provide it. “I’ll…I’ll be back..” he whispered, turning on his heel, and heading to his bedroom. He took a seat on the corner of his bed, and hung his head, resting it in his hands. He tried to focus on his breathing, not Blaine’s luggage now in his room or the ringing phone that was now on again and in the other room.

Blaine nodded to Kurt, unable to open his mouth anymore and say admirable things. Just thinking of Kurt in the other room pulling himself together was more than Blaine could handle just now. There was this intense desire to throw caution to the wind and chase Kurt down, but he had to squash that line of thought. Instead he walked to the kitchen for a glass of water and stood drinking it down, trying to think of needing to be able to face Kurt in the morning and needing to protect his friendship. This, he reminded himself, was the most important thing, protect the friendship. Never mind that he loved him and wanted him. Blaine had always felt that way, why let that take over in one drunken fit and threaten to destroy everything they had? Only then did Blaine remember the other factor here. Sam. Kurt would never betray him, not really so it was certain that crossing the line with Kurt would only end in his own heart ache. Blaine leaned against the counter and sat the cup down. He needed loud music, strange men, and enough liquor to drown this all out, and he needed it now.

Kurt paced the well worn carpet in his bedroom. So many things had gone down in that room, so many experiences, first times, fights, movie fests. He walked to the far wall, the one that was plastered with thin black photo frames, holding a large collection of Kurt’s favorite photos of the people in his life; pictures of him and Sam from his senior prom, of them shoving ice cream in each other’s faces over the summer before college, old, faded pictures of him as a child with his mom and dad, pictures from Dalton, one where Blaine and Kurt smiled, arms linked. There was a photo, third one to the left of he and Blaine snuggled up on a couch making faces at Finn, who had been the one to take the picture. Kurt hovered, looking over the picture longer than necessary. The picture, the simplicity and perfection of their friendship made Kurt tear up. He slides down the north wall, sitting on the worn out carpet. Finally, his breath shaky, he dried his eyes and went into his bathroom to splash some water on his face. He let out a sigh and faked a smile. He was a fucking actor. Kurt had been acting before he was walking; surely he could act like he and Blaine were ok? He walked out the bedroom and turned to see Blaine. “Ready to go?” He asked, trying to keep his voice even.

Blaine felt relief as Kurt came into view again at last. “Ready.” He agreed, his voice still rougher than he would prefer. They left the apartment then and Blaine was momentarily shaken as they were enclosed alone in the elevator and he could smell the familiar scent of Kurt’s cologne even though they weren’t touching. It brought the kiss to mind in an uncomfortable way. Rather than give himself away he jest leaned back against the wall and said nothing. The metal of the elevator wall helped to ground him which made it easier to remember why they were going out and not just snuggled up on the couch already. Finally they were out on the street and the cool night air felt great on Blaine’s face. He glanced over at Kurt and watched as the wind picked up his hair and Blaine had to look away. Where was a cab when you needed one?

Kurt frowned, keeping his glance locked on Blaine as they rode down. He saw himself pinning Blaine to the wall, kissing him deeply, running his hands under his shirt, under his pants, removing his clothes, and exposing both of them their lies, their truths, and their skins to each other. He blinked, he was still standing stuck still in the elevator, and Blaine was still on the other side, staying as far from Kurt as possible. Kurt sighed and hung his head, before turning to face the dark metal door. They swooshed open and Kurt hurried out, Blaine at his heels. Once outside, Kurt tilted his face up to the crisp New York air as they waited for a cab. He caught casual glances at Blaine, before forcing his eyes away and to stay away. Finally, a cab appeared and the two climbed in. Kurt gave directions to a gay bar on the north side. It was a common place for Blaine and Kurt to arrive at. They use to go just about every weekend, hoping to pick someone up. Occasionally they would, but sometimes, they’d end up just too wrapped up in a conversation with each other. This was of course only during the off times when Kurt and Sam were fighting. Kurt hadn’t gotten in a fight with the blonde for awhile, so he hadn’t been to the bar, especially with Blaine, in awhile.

Blaine slid into the cab next to Kurt and tried to avoid touching him. The ride to the north side was not particularly long, but the silence was stretching thin in the cab. Blaine still wanted to slide over to Kurt and pull him into a kiss that would take his breath away, to pin him to the back of the seat and hold him there until he was done reminding him that they had something too, something good and all their own. Of course he didn’t move. Normally in this situation Blaine would be planning to pick up some trick at the club but he didn’t go home with anyone and he couldn’t bring someone back to Kurt’s. Maybe once the got there it could just be like another regular night and they would talk ad laugh and dance. Blaine hoped so because this whole thing was out of control between them. “This’ll be good.” Blaine said absently. “We haven’t done this in a while.” He added, as though Kurt didn’t already know this.

Kurt stared out the window of the cab, watching the other yellow blurs of taxis pass by. He was lost in thought, feeling Blaine’s presence near him caused way more stress than it should. His thoughts rolled around in his head. Maybe, maybe Blaine was who he was suppose to be with. They had been best friends since the first day they met. In fact, Kurt had been in love with Blaine since the first day he had met him. He had been spying on the Warblers, trying to stay invisible. It was a state he had been in for awhile. After being bullied non-stop, the before confident Kurt broke, and only the kindness from Blaine had saved him. He felt his phone ring in his pocket. It was the third time Sam had called him that night and the guilt was too much to handle. He rolled down his window of the cab and chucked the cell phone out it. Sighing, he leaned back against the seat, his side momentarily brushing Blaine’s side. He blushed, and moved away. “Sorry,” he muttered. But then nodded at Blaine’s comment. “Yeah, it’ll be good to have some fun.” He said, trying to give a smile.

Blaine did not comment on the cell phone incident. Everything that came to mind to say was either in very bad taste or would give Kurt too much insight into Blaine’s feelings for him. There was a thrill though, and electric thrill that went straight through Blaine when that cell phone went flying out the window. The rest of the ride to the club was fairly uneventful. Blaine was trying to keep his eyes forward or out his own window rather than on Kurt, who suddenly seemed so present in this moment that it was overwhelming to Blaine. Maybe it was the symbolic gesture of throwing out the phone but Blaine really felt that Kurt was giving him what he could tonight, even if that was just his attention and his time. It was someone beautiful really. Blaine stole a glance Kurt’s way and marveled, not for the first time, at his beauty. When they first met Blaine thought Kurt was the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen. Now he’d gown into a man but his beauty had somehow sharpened. Blaine did his best never to focus on this but tonight it seemed so close that Blaine just wanted to reach out and run his finger over Kurt’s soft cheeks and full lips. He was quick to hop out of the cab the minute they were at the club and he practically threw the money at the cabbie.

Kurt chewed the inside of the check as the cab raced down the street. Kurt kept a watch on Blaine out of the corner of his eyes. There were so many things he wanted to say to Blaine, he tried to roll over the thoughts in his head; how he would formulate the words without making the situation sound as complicated as it was. He couldn’t very well say, Oh, Blaine, by the way, I know I really really like Sam and we’ve been dating for, oh…I don’t know, three years now, but I’ve always been in love with you. Only you. And when we do this hey, let’s kiss and cuddle and pretend it doesn’t mean anything, well, that’s actually really difficult for me….Yeah, like that would go over well. He sighed, and slouched in his car for the rest of the ride. He was hyper aware of Blaine’s eyes taking occasional glances at him, and it caused the tips of his ears to flush. Once at the club, Kurt climbed out of the cab, thankful for the now fresh air to hopefully calm down his racing head. The thumping bass could be heard from outside the club, and the two followed the noise to the door. It had been awhile since Kurt had been to a club, or had a drink, for that matter. He had been so against drinking ever since a bad college party experience with Sam that he had stayed off the stuff, but tonight, with all the confusion going on, getting drunk was all he wanted. He headed to the bar, immediately he was hit on by the bar tender. Kurt, being Kurt, was oblivious, and ordered a lime beer. He wanted alcohol and he wanted it now. He took a long sip of the drink, and leaned against the bar, keeping Blaine in sight.