Kurt wasn’t angry, at least he wasn’t angry with Blaine. He had wanted Blaine, god he still did, even now, right now, but he had to protect himself and this was not the way to do that. He’d been weak, he’d been horny, yes, and he’d been over sexed and exhausted but this, right here, could never happen again. Okay, so that was established, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that it had happened and now, soon, he would be telling Blaine that it couldn’t happen again. Oh. Fuck, that was probably the least of it. Oh gods, it was. Because he hadn’t spoken to Blaine about anything, given no answers when Blaine confronted him, he’d just taken what he’d wanted and now he was going to have to clean all of that up.

Okay. Think. Kurt’s mind fought for clarity. He liked sex with Blaine. He wanted more sex with Blaine that much was clear. Same thought pattern as yesterday then, keep Blaine somehow. Except Kurt knew. He knew deep down Blaine was going to want something more, or expect it. They hardly knew each other at all but Kurt knew that much. So he lay there, dreading the moment when Blaine would wake up and he would have convince Blaine somehow that it was okay not to have more. Maybe he could. Maybe Blaine would walk out and never look back. Kurt’s arm involuntarily squeezed Blaine at the thought and he bit his lip hard. Kurt didn’t know what the fuck he was going to do.

When Blaine had fallen into sleep, it was heavy and peaceful, and with Kurt wrapped around him, the fact that he didn’t have the answers that he needed was okay for the moment. He didn’t need to know exactly what the pair of them were, not right then. It didn’t matter. Sleep rocked him back , pressing himself further into Kurt’s embrace, and he sighed. Somewhere in his dream there was the uncertainty of waking up, but that traded itself for the sturdy comfort that was warm.

He dreamed of floating along in a lake that had been warmed by the sun, resting on his back and feeling water trickle over his body. And then he swore he saw Kurt, just under the surface of the water. Blaine smiled and let himself be dragged under the water when he felt Kurt’s hand, warm and protective, on his ankle. He smiled, bubbles escaping from his mouth as he hugged Kurt and they went deeper still. Blaine was breathing, though, and then they weren’t in the water anymore, but in a grassy field, running and chasing and laughing, and Blaine had never had a dream where he’d felt so free in his entire life.

Slowly, the dream faded away into peaceful sleep. Typically, Blaine turned in his sleep, unable to find a comfortable position, but with Kurt holding him, he was still all night.

When sleep started to give way to the waking hours, it was because he’d felt Kurt squeeze him. His eyes blinked open, and Blaine yawned and stretched against the body behind him. In his sleep-addled brain, Blaine knew that he’d slept with Kurt, but he wasn’t awake enough to freak out about it yet. Instead, he turned and shifted so that he was face to face with Kurt, and he smiled, sleepy and wide. Blaine had no idea where his glasses were, but he could see Kurt in front of him, which was all he really cared about. He leaned up and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, the smile never leaving his cheeks. “Good morning,” Blaine whispered, and then kissed him again. He sank back down, wriggling his hips to rest his forehead on Kurt’s collarbone. There was a dull ache between his thighs, and Blaine gave a half-grunt against the discomfort.

That was when it hit him, the feeling of being completely awake. Blaine’s mind had warmed up and was running at full speed. He’d had sex with Kurt. That was what the ache was. Sounds of begging and groans and whimpers invaded his mind, along with the way that Kurt was so gentle with him, and then the way that it had changed. He remembered needing to talk to Kurt about this, needing to know whether or not they were boyfriends, if something would change. Somewhere in the back of his mind Blaine knew that the answer would be no, but he squashed that, hoping that maybe Kurt would have felt the same thing that he’d felt last night, the feeling of being completely serene. Blaine needed to have this conversation. He knew he did, but he didn’t know how to start it.

“You’re very warm,” Blaine said into Kurt’s collar bone when he opened his mouth. Okay, that was not what he’d meant to say. He chuckled and focused, and then he blushed. He didn’t know how to talk about this…about sex. “I didn’t know,” he murmured, voice unsure, “that it, this, I could feel so good.” Blaine’s face burned, and instead of looking up at Kurt, Blaine buried himself further into the contours of Kurt’s chest. Yeah, I can’t do this.

Blaine was waking up, he was quickening in Kurt’s arms and then suddenly it was all upon him. The time for action, the time for decisions, and the time for words. Of course then Blaine’s hot breath was against his skin and it sent little ripples of heat shooting down Kurt’s spine. Kurt steeled his nerves and his resolve. He couldn’t get sucked down by rampant hormones right now. He had to focus. Unng, but Blaine was slipping down in his arms and rubbing his face against Kurt’s chest, talking about feeling good, and not even Kurt could fight that. Who would he be kidding? This felt good alright, no matter how much of a bad idea it was. Kurt felt his arms tighten again around Blaine and he sighed softly.

“Let’s get cleaned up.” He said very softly, and he was surprised how scratchy and broken his voice sounded to his ears. Kurt’s arms didn’t seem to want to move but he eventually convinced them to get with the program and he began detaching himself from Blaine. This was done slowly and carefully; moving as one might when trying not to frighten a skittish animal. Not that Blaine seemed anything other than relaxed and amicable, but Kurt knew these might be his last moments with Blaine and he couldn’t make himself waste it with harshness or cruelty. There might be enough of that later to last a lifetime.

He slid back off the bed before Blaine could make too much of a protest and crossed the floor to his dresser from which he retrieved a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He did not turn around but got dressed. Then he turned finally, slowly, schooling his face into calm. “Do you want to borrow something of mine for now? I’m sure we could find you something that could work.” He smiled. It was a calculated smile, but he hoped it looked genuine. He didn’t feel like smiling just now. Not when his body still ached for Blaine and Blaine was just there, just right there still warm and sleep rumpled, all tumbling curls and naked flesh. Kurt felt like hiding and while he didn’t understand that response it was very real. So he waited, wondering if Blaine was going to just go along with him for now or if he would see through this thinly disguised expression.

Blaine would have been content to lie in bed all day, trading soft kisses with Kurt and giggling, letting Kurt run his hands through Blaine’s curls and whispering things that he’d been afraid of the first time he had sex and how none of those things had happened. He would have loved to fall in and out of sleep, waking up in the middle of different conversations and finding a thousand different ways to cuddle. But Kurt was telling him that they should get cleaned up and pulling away. Blaine looked down at himself and realized that he had just woken up, and that a shower or some sort of hygiene might have been a good thing. When Kurt got off the bed, Blaine smiled at the retreating figure, half expecting Kurt to come back in for one or five hundred last kisses. His smile wavered when Kurt didn’t immediately return. Instead, he got dressed.

The floor was cold underneath his feet as Blaine swung his feet over the side of the bed and stretched. He knew he was naked, but there was almost no shame in it. Kurt had seen him vulnerable and open, had taken care of him, and Blaine was comfortable. When Kurt asked him a question, Blaine turned to face him, returning the smile with a genuine one of his own, the smile that his mother had coined the “hundred watt-er.” Blaine felt like the world was lighter, and he nodded. “Um, sure, Kurt. Thanks,” he answered, running a hand through his hair and spreading his fingers to get rid of the last of the gel matting his hair down.

Then, Blaine was standing and looking for his glasses. He found them near the door, and he remembered the way that the entire night had started with a tremor that ran up his back. He wiped his glasses absently with his thumb, then put them on, and the world slipped back into total focus. His own clothes were strewn across the room from where Kurt had pulled them off. His shirt was on the floor, but his buttons were scattered across the floor. Blaine blushed and looked down at his own body before walking over to Kurt, who was handing him another pair of sweats and a shirt.

Blaine took a step back and pulled Kurt’s sweats on, then tugged the shirt over his head. There was something about wearing someone else’s clothes, Kurt’s clothes, that made Blaine feel open again. His eyes were wide in something between worry and panic, and he moved quickly until his arms were wrapped securely around Kurt’ waist, and then he was tipping his head back and kissing Kurt once, then again, and then one more time until the panic had subsided and Blaine’s heart wasn’t being squeezed in his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, turning his head to the side against the top of Kurt’s chest. “I don’t know…It just, it feels good right here.” He smiled to himself and sighed.

Kurt handed over the clothes to Blaine and tried not to think of how utterly adorable Blaine was in his clothes or how very, well, just homey it made him feel to see Blaine like that. The pants were just a tad too long and Blaine was; well, now Blaine was wrapping his arms around Kurt. He was kissing him, and it was so…tender. That ache in his chest bloomed fresh all over again as his arms automatically wrapped around Blaine and held him there against Kurt. He couldn’t do this. It was wrong, it was somehow worse now than it had been last night when he’d silenced Blaine with kisses and sex; worse because of what they’d done and how he’d behaved. Now Blaine was clinging to him and there were things in the air, promises and feelings and oh god, Kurt couldn’t handle it. Not for another second. Kurt held his breath for another beat and then he was pulling back from Blaine, stepping out of Blaine’s trusting embrace. There was nothing for it now; all he could do was hope that Blaine would see reason here.

“Blaine,” Kurt began softly, searching Blaine’s face, trying to offer honesty because it was all Kurt had to give. “We should talk.” He wanted to stand here and deliver the whole little speech but there was something in Blaine’s eyes that stopped him. It would be simple enough to lead Blaine back to the bed, to hold his hand, to tell him gently. Kurt was halfway ready to do just that when he realized that it wouldn’t actually be better. Better to just speak his mind here and now and give Blaine the respect of not touching him while he did so.

Kurt looked Blaine in the eye and didn’t look away the whole time he spoke no matter how much he’d wanted to. “I like you Blaine. I like what we have. I’d like to continue seeing you, but I need to tell you, this is all I have to offer you. I’m not offering a relationship, I don’t do boyfriends. I never have. If you agree to keep seeing me, there are going to be rules. What happened last night? That can never happen again. We can’t fall asleep together because we can’t get caught by anyone. This stays just between you and me, and it stays behind closed doors. When we’re out there,” here Kurt pointed at the door, “we aren’t even friends, because this is our business and no one else’s.” Kurt’s hand dropped before he continued. “I want you to know though, that I hope you do still want to see me. I think we could work it all out, all the little details, and that it would be really pretty great.” Kurt stopped and he took a deep breath to steady his nerves. He had hope but honestly not much. It was a long shot. “What do you think, Blaine, can this be enough?” Kurt asked but the rest of the question remained unasked. Can I be enough?

It didn’t last long enough. Blaine mentally starting berating himself the moment that Kurt pulled away from him, and his heart sank in his chest when Kurt said they needed to talk. Nerves settled into his blood and all of a sudden, Blaine couldn’t dins a way to feel comfortable in his own skin. His first instinct was to reach out to Kurt to calm his nerves, but then he remembered that Kurt was the one who’d caused the nerves in the first place. Startled by his realization, Blaine took a small step backward. This was too much like his first day of classes, too much like when Blaine had been terrified of Kurt, afraid of him and then making the mistake of sleeping with him. All of a sudden, Blaine wasn’t so sure that he wanted to be in Kurt’s room anymore, and whatever feeling of comfort he felt was replaced with ice in his veins.

Blaine didn’t blink until Kurt started talking, and then he couldn’t stop because he was blinking back tears and trying to understand everything that Kurt was telling him. Blaine felt cold, and he wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed. He forced himself to break eye contact with Kurt and he looked down at the floor. Kurt didn’t do boyfriends. Sure, he was willing to keep sleeping with Blaine, but they wouldn’t be in a relationship. The realization that Blaine had lost his virginity in what could have very possibly been a one-night stand hit him like a slap to the face. Tears clouded his vision, and then the first one slid down the bridge of his nose to get caught in his glasses. Blaine tore them off and shoved them on top of his head, then resumed his position of hiding in himself.

When Kurt was done talking, asking if quick fucks here and there with no feelings could be enough, Blaine looked back up at him, incredulity and hurt stained onto his features. Another tear fell, and Blaine shook his head. “You want me to say that it’s enough?” Blaine chuckled with no humor in his voice and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. “How can that be enough? I’m not allowed to be your friend outside of this room? And even then we’re not really friends, are we? And-and there are rules?” Blaine made a frustrated noise as more tears fell, and Blaine had never felt so stupid in his life.

“I shouldn’t have slept with you.” The second Blaine said it, he had to stop to cry in earnest for a moment, because it wasn’t true. He’d liked it, wanted Kurt to want more from him, but he’d also wanted it to be okay to confide in Kurt, to feel more than just the physical. And Kurt was cutting that off. Blaine took another step back, and his knees buckled as he came up against the edge of the bed. He flopped down on it, body suddenly incapable of supporting its own weight. He wanted to keep seeing Kurt. It felt good, and Kurt wouldn’t torture him anymore. It would be fine. It would be fun, and it would feel good. Until he remembered that Kurt would only be in it to get off. Blaine wiped his eyes and sniffled again, then took a breath.

“It’s not enough, Kurt. I wasn’t…it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. It was, it was supposed to be with someone who cared and-and…” Blaine trailed off, searching for words. He stood and looked up at the ceiling, searching for answers, for peace, for any kind of solution. When he found nothing, Blaine shook his head again and walked to the door. He reached out, and when his hand was on the doorknob, he turned to look back at Kurt. His heart ached, and he wanted nothing more than for Kurt to tell him that it was okay, that they could do this Blaine’s way. And part of him wished that he could agree to Kurt’s terms. “I need…I need to think, okay?” And then he was gone. The moment the door closed behind him, Blaine took off for his own room, throwing open the door and checking for his roommate. He wasn’t in the room, and Blaine didn’t bother to guess about where he was. he went to the right side of his bed and sat down cross-legged on the floor.

“I’m so stupid! God, I’m so stupid. What did I do, what did I do?” Blaine rested his head against the side of his bed and took a deep breath in and held it. When he looked down, he saw that he was still in Kurt’s sweats, and tears started to fall quick and uninvited. Then he was crying, his sobs quiet but shaking his entire body. He cried because he knew that he wanted to say yes to Kurt. He cried because he wanted losing his virginity to mean something to the other person. But most of all, Blaine cried because he had no idea what he was going to do.

Kurt thought he’d been prepared. He’d told himself this could be the end but he’d had no choice. He couldn’t just let Blaine go on like that, obviously thinking there was more going on between them than there really was. Blaine deserved honestly so that’s what Kurt had given him, and as it turned out he was nowhere near prepared for Blaine’s reaction. Blaine was backing away, tears gathering in wide amber eyes, lips parted as though he intended to speak, but what he said, that’s what was the thin that stung the most. And it did sting. Somehow, while Kurt was prepared for Blaine to say no, he wasn’t prepared for Blaine to have regrets. Somehow in all his pondering and scheming that little idea had never occurred to him. It really should have, Kurt thought as he stood there watching Blaine and listening to him.

This was all going to be filed into that long list of things Kurt wasn’t used to. The list that had been neatly compiling itself since the day he met Blaine, or really from the moment their lips touched. Things were never this messy in his life, they were never so real as this; Blaine there on the bed falling apart so perfectly. Blaine didn’t hide his feelings, he didn’t have the control that Kurt had cultured in himself, and he wanted to think it was weak, that Blaine was showing his weakness like it didn’t matter, but Kurt knew that wasn’t right. Blaine simply did not care that he was open in front of Kurt. He didn’t care in that moment what Kurt thought of him and that didn’t make him weak. He was beautiful. He was mysterious. He was making up his mind just then and it was clear which way it was going. Kurt swallowed hard.

Then Blaine was back up, and he strode to the door, but he hesitated. Kurt’s heart lurched and stumbled in his chest as Blaine turned to meet his eyes. He looked, wistful, or hopeful, and for just a second Kurt thought maybe he would stay maybe he would change his mind. Maybe he would cross the room and throw his arms back around Kurt and fight him on everything Kurt had just said. But no. Blaine told Kurt he needed to think and then he was just gone and it was as if the lights went out and the room was plunged into darkness.

Kurt’s knees gave out and he slumped to the floor and lay there unable to think and unable to breath and so confused that he just wanted to curl up and shut out the world. Instead the images flooded through his mind, unbidden, and unwanted. Blain’s mouth pressed tight to his, Blaine’s eyes so wide and trusting, Blaine tied to his bed naked and hard, Blaine’s cock in his mouth so thick and heavy, Blaine wrapped tight around him, under him, writhing, whispering his name. Worst than any of that though was Blaine talking about how good he felt. Kurt had given him that, made him feel good, and then taken it away as if he had the right to do so.

He couldn’t be certain when it began but Kurt realized he was crying. Hard. Harder than he had in years maybe. The sobs were torn out of him and so far beyond his control that all he could do was surrender to them. Kurt rolled and curled himself up tightly and just held on while he cried himself out. When there were no more tears and his breathing came under control, Kurt pulled himself up to a sitting position and leaned back against the dresser. He tried to think about why. Why did he hurt, why had he cried, why was Blaine so far under his skin? No answers ever came.

Finally, Kurt came to a couple of important conclusions. The first was simple enough. Blaine said he needed time to think, so Kurt would give him that time. He was not about to chase Blaine Anderson. The second was a little harder. If Blaine ever did decide he could live with Kurt’s rules, Kurt would be certain those lines remained in place. He wasn’t the type to cry over some pretty boy, no matter how good that boy made him feel. Kurt had good reasons for the way he liked things and none of those reasons had gone anywhere. No matter what the future brought, Blaine wasn’t getting past his defenses again.

Blaine cried for hours, until he heard the click of the door as his roommate came back in. His tears had long since dried up, but the sobs still came in quiet hiccups. When the door opened, Blaine gasped and straightened up quickly, wiping his face and standing. His roommate looked at him with a raised eyebrow and sat at his desk and pulled out a math textbook. Blaine’s shoulders sagged again, and he sat on his bed, plucking at the feathers that came out of the down quilt he’d brought. Blaine wanted Kurt, he wanted Kurt to want him, and he wanted to want what Kurt wanted, but he didn’t, couldn’t. Blaine sighed and flung himself backward onto his pillows. This wasn’t fair.

After wallowing for a few more minutes, Blaine grabbed his shower caddy and a towel and headed off to the bathroom, where he scrubbed himself clean of everything resembling Kurt’s smell and got dressed in his own clothes. Then, for the sake of his sanity, he worked on his homework and refused to let thoughts of Kurt, of blue-green eyes and broken promises, invade his mind. He said he needed time to think, sure, but Blaine had absolutely no desire to think about it at that moment in time. Kurt would have to take a backseat if Blaine ever planned on getting anything done in his life. When he went to bed that night, he had his thoughts and his feelings under control.