Kurt held the red cardigan to his face and the familiar smell invaded his senses, along with the memory of a distant happy day at a coffee shop. An overwhelming grief pulled at his heart. Apart from the low hum of the fridge and the sounds the house made, it was quiet. He was alone.Blaine was gone and would never be back. Kurt would never again play with his curls, never hold him after a hard day, never share a secret understanding through his eyes, she would never share a bed with him again, never be woken up by the sound of his voice singing each morning, never duet with him on the shower, never laugh with him or fight with him over silly things like whose turn it was to turn the bedroom light off. All that was left were the memories, and the image of his face that became more and more vague each day.Their plan was to make it big. Kurt would make it to Broadway after NYADA and Blaine would teach music after graduating from Columbia. They would stay together for the rest of their lives. A plan that anyone who knew them would agree was accomplishable. Kurt had the driven passion necessary to make it, Blaine had the patience and the care necessary to be a teacher and they were best friends, lovers, and soul mates, destined to be together. But as it happened, one day destiny greedily changed its mind.The end had come all too soon. After complaining of a migraine for a few days, Blaine had agreed to Kurt’s advice to see his doctor. They thought the migraine was due to stress or tiredness, and agreed he might need a break from work. Blaine had been very upset that he might need to be away from his students. But the problem was a tumor growing inside his brain.He was 27 years old. Not the healthiest man in the world, but enough to… well, to live a normal life. When he became really sick, he joked about how he should have enjoyed life more. So many things he didn’t do, places he never seen. Even as he joked, Kurt could see the regret in his eyes, the sorrow for the loss of future experiences.And now their shared dream of growing old together would remain forever a dream.***Kurt’s routine was set. He would cry all through the night, falling asleep in the early hours of the morning. Each day it was the phone call from a concerned friend or family member that roused him. ‘Hello,’ he answered, not caring about how hoarse his voice sounded. ‘Oh, sorry, kiddo, did I wake you?’ Burt’s concerned voice came across the line.‘No, I was just dozing, it’s okay.’Kurt ‘ummed’ and ‘aahed’ throughout the conversation, listening but not hearing a word. His mind was filled with images of a guy that used to pull faces and try to make him laugh as he talked to his father on the phone.‘Maybe I’ll call later and we can really talk, kiddo.’ Oops, caught not paying attention, then.‘No thanks, Dad. I’m okay.’Silence.‘Well, call me if you change your mind. I’ll be around.’‘I will. Thanks.’‘Right. Take care, Kurt.’‘Yeah…’ Kurt was about to end the call when he heart Burt’s voice again.‘Oh, Kurt, I almost forgot. That envelope is still here for you. You might want to collect it. It’s been here for weeks now and it might be important.’‘I doubt it. It’s probably just another card.’‘No, I don’t think so, kiddo. It’s addressed to you and in the other side it says “The List.” Maybe it’s from work or something, Kurt. It’s worth just taking a…’Kurt dropped the phone.***‘Blaine, turn off the light!’ Kurt giggled as he watched his husband undress before him. ‘If I turn off the light you won’t be able to see all this.’ He grinned, slowly unbuttoning his cotton shirt. He allowed the shirt to slide from his shoulders, caught it in his right hand and flung it at Kurt where it landed on his head.‘Well, at least it’s darker under here, anyway.’ he laughed. Blaine always managed to make him laugh. They seldom fought, and when they did it was over stupid things that amused them after.Blaine ended his striptease, staying in his pajama pants, as usual, and dived into the bed. Blaine snuggled up beside him and Kurt knew that this position meant he had no intention of budging an inch. ‘Blaine,’ Kurt’s voice warned.‘Kurt,’ he mimicked.‘The light, Blaine!’‘What about it, Kurt?’ he asked sleepily.‘You forgot to turn it off!’ ‘But it’s your turn to do it.’Kurt sighed. He hated having to get back out of the bed when he was nice and snug, step into the cold floor and then fumble around in the darkness on the way back to the bed.‘I can’t do it all the time, you know, baby. Someday I might not be here and then what will you do?’‘I’ll just remember to do it myself before I get into bed.’Blaine snorted. ‘Yeah, right. I’ll probably have to leave a note on the light switch for you before I go, just so you’ll remember.’‘How thoughtful of you!’‘And a note on the milk carton,’ he continued on.‘Ha-ha.’‘And the alarm, so you remember to set it up.’‘Hey, why don’t you just leave me a list of things for me to do if you think that I’ll be so lost without you?’‘Good idea,’ he laughed.‘Fine then, I’ll turn off the light.’ Kurt got out of the bed, grimaced as he stepped on the cold floor and switched off the light. Then he began to slowly try to find his way back to the bed in the darkness.‘Hello? Kurt, did you get lost? It’s there anybody out there?’ he started to sing to the black room.‘Pink Floyd is so old, Bla- ouch!’ Kurt yelped as he stubbed his toe against the bedpost. ‘Shit, shit!’Blaine sniggered underneath the duvet.‘Oh, shut up, Blaine!’ Kurt snapped back at him while he got back in bed.‘Want me to kiss it better?’‘No, just let get them warm…’‘Oh my god, they are freezing!’Which made him laugh again.***So that was how the joke about the list came about. It was a silly and simple idea that was soon shared with Rachel, Mike and Tina.How Kurt envied Tina right now. Mike and Tina had been together for longer than Kurt and Blaine and they had faced the same fears when Mike and Kurt left Ohio for college in New York. Both couples were able to make it through that year by helping each other. Kurt and Tina bonded while exchanging messages about their significant others, keeping each other posted and easing the pain of the time away. Blaine and Mike turned into best friends on Mike’s senior year keeping in touch for the same reasons as Kurt and Tina. And soon, when Blaine got into college they started to plan to open a little arts school together one day.Both couples were told constantly that high school relationships didn’t last, that they would break up eventually, because of the pressures from college and distance. But, unlike Finn and Rachel, who broke up way before going their separate ways, Kurt and Blaine, as well as Mike and Tine, stayed together for over 10 years. They did everything together. Supported each other through college, auditions, Broadway debuts, job interviews, everything. Rachel was there every step of the way. She was Kurt’s maid of honor when he and Blaine got married in New York. Through college, Broadway and Kurt’s thought out career change, Rachel was right beside him. She was the first to tell him he should get into the designing side of Broadway, since he was so good with fashion. That idea stayed with him and, as apparently everyone agreed with Rachel, he started to really consider it. Without ever stopping to try out and do auditions he started to study and work on designing outfits for minor Broadway plays, slowly working his way to the bigger ones and making a name for himself.Kurt was there for Rachel, too. Through all the auditions, helping her with her wardrobe, cuddling with her through every heartbreak, being there at every Broadway show and for every award, he was always there to hold her hand. And when her dream of getting her Tony at 25 came true, he was her date, the one that got her up through the show and gently pushed her towards the stage and later, when the bitterness of being a single girl with a Tony award got to her, he was the one to hold her and dance with her so no one would notice that the winning lady was crying at her own party.Tears once again rolled down Kurt’s face and he realized he had been daydreaming again. He sat in the couch with the phone still lying on the floor in front of him. His stomach grumbled and he realized he couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten.He shuffled into the kitchen, dressed in Blaine’s pajama pants and a t-shirt that said ‘Broadway star’ that Blaine had given him one day. Kurt would always be Blaine’s Broadway star, he said that day, no matter the career change. To Blaine, he would always be the fabulous Kurt Hummel, the boy that took Blaine’s breath away from day one. Huh, where was that boy now? He opened the fridge and stared at the empty selves. He smiled as he shook the milk cartoon. Empty. Second on Blaine’s list…Was it possible that Blaine had kept his word and had written a list for him before he died? Kurt had spent every minute of every day with Blaine up until his death and he had never even mentioned it, nor had Kurt noticed any signs of him writing it. No, Kurt, pull yourself together and don’t be stupid, he told himself. Kurt so desperately wanted Blaine back that he was imagining all kinds of crazy things. He wouldn’t have. Would he?***Kurt was walking through a field of beautiful lilacs; a soft breeze was blowing, causing the purple petals to tickle his fingers as he walked by. A long lost joke came to his mind making him giggle, ‘a field of lilacs.’ A distant melody was carried by the wind and Kurt started humming along, joyful and free. Everything was so beautiful here; the clear sky, the happy tune and the smell of spring. Kurt could stay here forever.Suddenly the sky darkened with grey clouds. The lilacs started to die before him and merge into the ground as Kurt started to feel walls closing in. He blinked once, twice and then he was in a too familiar room. The purple of the lilacs turned into the white on the walls, the melodic tune, into the unnerving bips and the smell of spring turned into the sterile smell of a hospital. The well-known feeling of dread that accompanied Kurt inside these walls was back. Kurt wanted to leave, but he had to know why he was there in the first place. He started to hear a loud noise coming from some place down the hallway and started to walk towards it. As he crept closer the sound got louder; a banging noise. He passed three doors when a loud bang to his left started him to a stop. He turned towards the sound and gave a loud cry as his eyes landed on Blaine. He was trapped inside a room and Kurt could see him through the glass. He was trying to get out, trying to force the door but it would open. Kurt ran to the door and tried to open it without success.Kurt jumped from his sleep to a loud banging on his front door.‘Kurt! Kurt! Let me in! Come on, I know you’re in there!’ Confused and still half asleep, Kurt opened the door to a frantic-looking Rachel. ‘Jesus, Kurt! I’ve been knocking on your door for ages!’‘You call that knocking? I’m surprised my door’s still standing.’ Kurt looked outside. It was bright and chilly. It must be morning then.‘Well, I started to get a little worried.’‘Always the drama queen.’ Kurt said with a fond half smile.‘Well… Aren’t you going to let me in?’‘Yeah, sorry. Come in,’ Kurt said, stepping aside.‘Kurt, you look awful!’ Rachel exclaimed.‘Wow, thanks.’ Kurt rolled his eyes and turned to close the door. He had missed Rachel and her endearingly obnoxious way to tell the truth. But that was also why Kurt hadn’t been around to see Rachel for the past month. He didn’t want to hear the truth. He was content to be miserable. It felt right.‘When was the last time you opened a window here, Kurt? It’s so stuffy.’ Rachel started to walk around the house, opening windows and picking up empty cups and plates. She brought them into the kitchen where she placed them in the dishwasher and then proceeded to tidy up.‘Oh, you don’t have to do that, Rachel,’ Kurt protested. ‘I’ll do it…’‘When? Next year? I can’t pretend not to notice what you’re doing to yourself anymore, Kurt. How about you go take a shower and we’ll talk and eat something once you’re clean?’A shower. That seemed a nice idea. Kurt could use a shower now. Even in the depths of his sorrow he could never let go of his skincare routine, but his hair was a mess and he was still in Blaine’s old pajama pants. He must have looked like a disaster.‘Okay, but there’s nothing in the fridge. I haven’t gotten around to…’ he suddenly felt embarrassed by his lack of care for the house and for himself. ‘Don’t worry,’ Rachel said, holding up a bag Kurt hadn’t noticed her carry in. ‘I took care of that. You look like you haven’t eaten in weeks.’‘Thanks, Rachel.’ A lump formed in Kurt’s throat and tears welled in his blue eyes. Rachel was being so good to him.‘It’s okay, Kurt. But no tears today, right?’ Rachel asked, moving to pat his cheek, wrinkling her nose. ‘Now shower, quick!’***Kurt felt blissfully clean when he came back downstairs. He was dressed in a pair of jeans and a pale blue sweater and his hair was perfectly styled. Kurt gasped as he looked around the house. Rachel had tidied, vacuumed, washed and sprayed air freshener in every room. He followed the sound of Rachel’s singing to the kitchen where she was washing the dishes. The counters where gleaming; the chrome taps and draining board sparkling.‘Good God, Rachel! I can’t believe you did all this. And in so little time!’‘What? You were gone for over an hour, Kurt. I thought you were freaking out over the lack of options in your wardrobe again.’An hour? Once again Kurt’s daydreaming had taken over his mind.‘Anyway, I lived with you in New York long enough to know exactly what you like. So, I bought all those kinds of healthy food you love; vegetables and fruits, some white cheese, yogurts and milk, of course. And a lot of organic and fresh ingredients for you to cook your meals as I know you hate canned and frozen food. That should do you for a while. Or maybe the whole year, by the looks of it. How much weight have you lost?’Kurt looked down at his body. His once skintight jeans were loose and his sweater seemed to be two numbers too big. He hadn’t noticed the weight loss at all.He was brought back to reality by Rachel’s voice again: ‘I made coffee and French toast for you. Just the way you like it.’That did it. This was all too much for Kurt. Rachel hated French toast. The fact that she was willing to make them for Kurt was the icing on the cake. He felt the tears run down his face. ‘Oh, Rachel,’ he cried, ‘thank you so much! You’ve been such a good friend to me and I’ve been so horrible.’ He sat beside Rachel at the table and grabbed her hand. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’ Rachel sat there in silence, allowing him to continue. This was what Kurt had been dreading, breaking down in front of people. But he didn’t feel embarrassed. Rachel was just drinking her coffee with her free hand and waiting. Eventually the tears stopped falling.‘Thanks’‘I’m your best friend, Kurt. We help each other, remember? How many times have you held my hand? And don’t listen to people when they say you should pull yourself together already. Grieving is normal. But you’ve got to promise me that you won’t forget to take care of yourself. Try to learn to be happy again. And promise me you will eat!’ Rachel finished with an earnest look. Standing up and pulling Kurt with her.‘Promise.’‘Right. I’m going to hug now, okay?’‘Okay.’ He buried his nose in her hair and let the familiar sent of her shampoo calm him. ***‘Thanks for coming, Rachel. I feel much better already,’ Kurt said, hugging her gratefully.‘You have to get out more, Kurt. See your friends and family. We just want to help, you know that.’‘I know. I just thought I could handle it on my own, you know.’‘Oh, I know. And I get it, believe me. But promise me you’ll call around. Or at least get out of the house once in a while.’‘Okay, mom.’ Kurt rolled his eyes.‘I’m just looking out for you. See you soon,’ Rachel said, kissing him on the cheek. ‘And eat!’ She added, poking him in the ribs.Kurt waved to Rachel as she pulled away in her car. It was nearly dark. They had spent the day laughing and joking about old times, then crying, followed by more laughing, then more crying again. Rachel had given him some perspective too. Kurt hadn’t even thought about the fact that Rachel had lost someone she loved so dearly. That Mike had lost his best friend. Blaine had touched so many lives beside Kurt’s. It had been good being with the living again, instead of moping around with the ghosts of his past. Tomorrow was a new day and he intended on beginning it by collecting that envelope. ***Kurt started his Friday morning well by getting up early. However, although he had gone to bed full of optimism, he was struck again by the harsh reality of how difficult every moment would be. Once again, he awoke in an empty bed and to a silent house, but there was one small breakthrough. For the first time in over a month, he had woken up without the aid of a phone call. He adjusted his mind, as he did every morning, to the fact that the dreams of him and Blaine being together, which had lived in his mind for the last ten hours, were just that: dreams. He showered and dressed in a pair of black jeans, a white button-down underneath a grey cardigan, and a pair of Dr. Martens. Rachel had been right about his weight: these jeans weren’t one of his skintight pairs, but they used to fit him well and now they were just about staying up with the aid of a belt. He had to keep that promise.***Kurt parked outside his father’s house and took a deep breath. To Burt’s surprise Kurt had called him first thing in the morning to arrange a time to meet up. Burt left Finn taking care of the garage to be able to spend some time with his son. And now Kurt sat in his car willing himself to get inside. Apart from the visits his father, Carole and Finn paid to him over the past month Kurt had barely spent any amount of time with them. He didn’t want the attention and the questions. Kurt dreaded his father’s ability to know, without questioning, when he was feeling well and his ability to always drag the truth out of him. However, it was time to put that fear aside.Burt still lived in the same house they had moved into when he married Carole. After quite a few runs as a congressman and years of going from Ohio to Washington all the time Burt’s age and heart condition had got the better of him and he had accepted his wife’s pleas to go back to his work at the garage. Kurt didn’t intend on staying for long, just for long enough to talk for a while and collect the envelope. He was determined to end his silent self-torture about what could be inside. He took a deep breath, rang the doorbell and waited.‘Hi, kiddo,’ said his father, already stepping aside for Kurt and patting his shoulder with his usual force. ‘Hi, Dad.’ Kurt stepped into the house and was comforted with the familiar smell of home. ‘You’re on your own?’‘Yes. Carole’s at Finn’s visiting Meredith and the kids while Finn’s at the garage.’Finn lived a couple of blocks away from Burt and Carole with his wife Meredith and his two kids, Thomas and Emily. He had met her seven years ago and they had married two years after that. ‘Is everything okay with Meredith and the kids?’ Kurt asked while following his father into the living room and sitting with him on the couch‘Yes, yes. Everything’s fine,’ Burt answered with a dismissing hand gesture. ‘You know Carole. She just can’t stay away for long.’‘That’s true,’ Kurt said with a smile.‘But what about you, kiddo? Any luck with a job yet?’‘No, not yet, Dad. But, to tell you the truth, I haven’t even started looking. I don’t know what I want to do.’‘Okay. Don’t rush into anything until you’re comfortable. Take your time. But don’t forget that you’re amazing at anything you do. You’ll find a job easily, I’m sure. Maybe not as “fabulous” as your last one, but we just don’t have one of those in Ohio.’Kurt laughed at his father’s words. His last job had been designing costumes for Broadway plays. Nothing in Ohio would be so fabulous, really.Kurt and his father sat in a relaxed atmosphere, watching mindless television and falling in and out of conversation until Kurt finally built up the courage to ask for the envelope.‘Oh, right, kiddo. I completely forgot about it. I hope it’s nothing important. It’s been there for quite a long time.’‘I’ll find out soon enough.’They said their goodbyes and Kurt couldn’t get out of the house quickly enough.He sat in his car and ran the envelope over his hands. The envelope was brown with the address typed on a plain sticker, so he couldn’t even guess the origin. But most importantly, on the other side there were two words, big and red: ‘THE LIST’.

His stomach did a little dance. If it wasn’t from Blaine, then Kurt finally had to accept the fact that he was gone completely from his life and Kurt had to start thinking about existing without him. But if it was from Blaine, though Kurt would be faced with the same future, at least he could hold on to some fresh memory.

His trembling fingers opened the envelope. He turned it upside down and shook the contents out. Out fell ten separate tiny envelopes, each with a different month written on them. His heart missed a beat when he saw the familiar handwriting on two loose pages underneath the pile of envelopes.

It was from Blaine.�