Chapter 3

But you don´t feel pretty you just feel used.

This time, Kurt wondered where he fit into in life. It was certainly not with the prostitutes working in the street, with their ripped clothes and make-up, but it was no where above that either. Especially not into an art gallery dressed in a dark blue button and a dark, overused jeans that was twice as tight as any pants he might spot among the other occupants. Sure, this was not overall a suit and tie event, and yet he was in between again. His clothes nowhere chic or edgy enough to fit in and frankly those with a rather unique style of clothes were freaking him out. A girl with half her hair in a buzz cut while the other half curled around her shoulders in neon green stuck her tongue out at him for no apparent reason, while a man in business suit nodded at him. He felt like the odd one out, except for the part where he held hands with someone that was the center of the universe right now.

As soon as Blaine had seen him, he had shed his jacket and tie, as if not wanting to be overdressed while Kurt wore…well Kurt wore this to an art gallery. His voice had been warm against the cold winter night and his lips on Kurt´s cheek lingered and so did their heat. Blaine´s smell had been covered by the icy cold but next to him he could breathe the earthy smell in and it was the one thing he needed to focus on. He mustn't screw this up. The door was held open by Blaine when they entered and he waited until Kurt passed through before linking their hands together and following him in.

Blaine believed him to be an ordinary man, somewhere above the rest of New York's broke college students and Kurt tried his best at representing this. He was glad that he´d chosen a shy persona as cover, that meant Blaine wouldn´t get suspicious when he didn´t contribute much to the conversation Blaine had with other people. Still, they were the couple everyone approached, everyone chatted up, with him nodding along to whatever Blaine said.

Mr. Anderson, what a pleasure to have you here at an art gallery that we hope is to your taste. Mr. Anderson, how are you this fine evening? And who is that beside you? Mr. Anderson look at my work please. Who is the nice young man at your side?

Kurt suddenly felt rather entrapped in the wine that had been brought to him by a waiter dressed as a robot. His body felt downright foreign to a place like this, only anchored to someone equally out of reach. The thing was, he needed to pull Blaine down to his level for good. He cuddled closer with all those people surrounding them and gave Blaine´s hand a squeeze.

“Mr. Anderson, me and my friend have listened to your album. It really is a piece of art unlike any other.” A girl with orange hair and a checkered dress said, clearly star struck. Kurt rolled his eyes at her, receiving a glare in return.

“Oh, shush. I didn´t know people actually bought it.”

Right, Blaine had mentioned that he worked on music alongside his job as a critic. Kurt wondered for whom he spread his legs while Blaine found time to do both.”I would really like to listen to it too.” He said.

“You haven´t?” The girl asked haughtily.”I´m sorry who are you again?”
“I could ask the same thing.”
“Well, I have been the first to ask.”

Blaine chuckled, pressing a kiss to Kurt´s hair that made him froze before he was the one who regarded her haughtily. ”He is my date. And that is why I am sorry to have to cut it short today. I think we both need a bit of privacy this evening.”

A friend of Blaine, Kurt had learned named Wes, grinned at them.”Blainey out to impress his date with work knowledge?”
“I plan to.”

Internally he sighed, outwardly he blushed and swatted Blaine on his chest. How he hated romantics with their sugar sweet lies. This was no fairytale ad if it had been, he´d be the slaveboy of the king that no one talked about. However great the mistrust he had for Blaine´s words, his eyes could see the look of admiration on his face. All this hope Blaine had in a picture perfect romance with him were useless, since Kurt knew the end of their story was not happily ever after.

Gentle, always gentle, Blaine led him away after thousands of goodbyes  and their hands swung between their bodies as they entered the maze of artwork the gallery had created. Lined by picture after picture, the walls were narrow on both sides. Most of the so called art held no value or understanding to Kurt. He just saw the colors, the lines that did not built a picture recognizable, no matter how close he looked. Some consisted of shapes and some were just interwoven brushstrokes and others were malformed faces.

“I´m afraid I am not capable of understanding the message of them.” Kurt finally said when Blaine had come to a halt in front of a picture Kurt assumed to be a moon.

“What do you see?”

Kurt tried another angle. “The moon? With a nose and the moon´s lover being…a moose?”

Blaine laughed heartily.”You know what I see? A plate with a carrot and a running steak.”
“Okay?” Kurt saw what he meant but it still did not make much sense.”Why?”
“I don´t know the story of the artist. I am a critic of something that is highly disputable and depends a bit on the taste of the viewers to be honest. Most of the pictures you see here are intended to make you think about them and decide what you want them to be.”
In a way, Kurt understood. That didn´t mean he had to like the moon-moose love affair he saw, but it still made him glad that for once he could decide a path.

“I think I get it. So if that is the case, how can you do your job? What if people see something completely different than you do?” Kurt asked.
“I take my time looking at the work, judging the colors, the methods the artists used and try to analyze it. My evaluation is supposed to be as objective as possible but people know me for my emotional side that bleeds into my job. A picture has to do something to me, call to me and lure me into staying and staring. That is how I do my job and somehow it pays.”
“What, you write a critique and everyone is interested in a work, because you liked it?”
“Maybe-“ Blaine began.”Though I think that people haven´t looked close enough to understand something´s value before they take my advice. Sometimes you have to stand closer and stay.”
Kurt saw Blaine looking, eyes seemed to gently caress the inches of Kurt´s body. All over, he felt like a piece of meat, even though his heart fluttered a bit, betraying him. He broke the spell by stepping aside and showing fake interest in the work of others.

They got lost in the maze twice and made up stories of what they thought the pictures were about, if they passed it twice Kurt just made up a new story.

Most of the time, the ideas that popped into his head were absurd and a bit dirty, not something the role he played would have said. Blaine stopped in front of a picture looking like a huge butt made up of two raindrops, being exactly what he could not say.

“How fitting, a heart.” Kurt cooed his lie, nudging Blaine.

Blaine looked at him with a raised eyebrow, lowly chuckling. “Uhm, I am pretty sure this is supposed to be someone´s butt.”

“You are unromantic.”

“Kurt, it literally is named: A wet behind. I think we can agree on the artist thinking of love while painting though. The details are astonishing.”

For the first time, Kurt truly felt like taking off to hide away from the world. Instead, he laughed, long and hard, while tracing the card with the title underneath the picture. A wet behind.

He was so submerged in the ridiculousness of the situation, that he had not one evil thought when Blaine kissed him. It was quick and so warm, unlike anything he ever felt. Neither commented on their kiss. They just kept on walking, glowing cheeks they tried to hide from the other. Kurt, because he was puzzled and angry at himself, Blaine because he was positively affected by the kiss.

The maze the aisles created were thankfully leading them into a darkened path next, the paintings all having spotlights on them in order to be seen, while they were hidden by shadows. Kurt was just glad the darkness encased him like a lost friend and gave him shelter to gather his thoughts without Blaine knowing. They had kissed. Not a kiss that lead up to more, just the press of two pair of lips that was over quickly and yet was long enough to plant doubt in Kurt. He was not supposed to like any of this. He never got attached and he wasn´t sure if that was possible when this date was everything he never allowed himself to dream about. Holding hands and kissing, because you wanted to. Kurt wanted to.
“Look! This is what I had hoped they´d show again.” Blaine said, interrupting Kurt´s thoughts.”This is a picture I really wanted you to see.”

They had come to a halt in front of a huge framed painting, showing the back of a brown-haired boy, embraced by two dark hands. It consisted of large brush strokes all equally done in a vertical manner. Bold colors were used to shape the pale skin of the boy, dark colors made up the background and the hands wrapped around him. Kurt´s breath got stuck when he understood.

“Why are you showing me this?” He gulped.”I don´t understand.”
“Because this is how I see you.”

No more explanation was offered, though Kurt got the message loud and clear. He was the boy that would be swallowed up by darkness, and Blaine could see. The truth was, Kurt knew all that but being shown was a painful remainder of what he made himself forget every day.

“I mean that in the most positive way.” Blaine said as if reading his thoughts, but actually trying to make it worse.”The main focus of the point is someone whose mind –“
“It´s okay. You don´t have to explain.”

“Please let me just-“
“I understood just fine.” Kurt hissed and let go of Blaine´s hand to – to do what?

To run from possibly the only solution to his problem because of a fickle emotion? He really wanted to get lost in the maze until he would never be found again. It was a fact that he didn´t know Blaine apart from shallow first contact conversations that could have just as well been about the awful winter weather. Except they weren´t and this wasn´t usual for Kurt. This was exactly what little children´s dreams consisted of and the possibility alone that this was finally the spec of goodness in Kurt´s life, hurt badly. Blaine was, aside from his objectively seen handsome appearance, someone who gave. He gave him compliments and honesty and he wanted to give him happiness as well. But Kurt was giving as well. He gave his body any man who asked nicely and then waved around enough money to make him give it. They wouldn´t click and this shouldn´t bother Kurt. All he wanted was money and Blaine was his bank that would give and give and this time Kurt would take.

No, he told himself, he did not have any feelings, be it good or bad. He switched them off any night, this wouldn´t be different, just because it came wrapped in a shiny box.

Kurt still wanted to run, instead he anchored himself to Blaine again. Blaine whose eyes always seemed glued to him and filled with concern.

“I am sorry, that was immature.” He apologized.”I read they let the people paint their own canvases and donate the price to charity. Want to help me draw a little?”

Blaine nodded warily.”First, I want to apologize, too. I don´t know if this painting means the same thing to you it does to me, so I just wanted to say sorry. Dinner´s on me for ruining your night. I mean if you still want to go-“
Kurt faked a chuckle and held his fingertip to Blaine´s mouth to shush him. This he was familiar with, seduction. He let Blaine grin and kiss it, let himself take what was given.

He was about to drag a finger down Blaine´s tie to smooth it, when his phone rang and threw his game. He needn´t look at his phone, he recognized the song. It felt like everything inside his body plummeted and without him realizing, his fake grin slipped and. There was no thought of pretence, just fear throbbing his his bones.

“I- I need to take this.”

Then he ran, just a bit, until he was lost in the maze and his only way back was the one he had come from. His hands shook when they finally answered the call.

“Finn?” he immediately said.”Is Finn alright? Has something happened?”

“Hey, calm down-“
“Is Finn-? Did Hunter come over?”

Jeffrey exhaled long enough to cause another surge of panic with seconds passing by without Kurt knowing.

“Fuck, tell me! What happened, I can take it.”

“Kurt, this phone call is not even about Finn.”
“Oh.” Kurt uttered.”Oh, this is about Hunter right?”

“He wants you to come as soon as possible. Karofsky is already in your room and you know he hates waiting. Bought the whole fucking night again that fuck-ass.”
His heart pounded loudly in his chest, each beat a new sign that he was alive. Alive and living in hell.
“Hunter also knows that you haven't met with Karofsky now of course.” Jeff continued.”If I were you I´d be home soon.”
Kurt thought hard about the next steps. There was only a night full of torture and sex waiting for him and he still had a plan he was working on. Even though he almost had strayed from the path.
“Does Hunter know that you´re telling me?”
“No, he said he would do it himself, so expect a call from him soon.”
Kurt closed his eyes, embracing his narrow waist with his free hand, like he needed something to cling to.”Can you do me a favor? Hide Finn for a few hours, please. Please, I know that you all do so much for me already by keeping an eye on him, but I really need to do something tonight. Please, I´d be in your debt.”

Jeff didn´t reply, Kurt would know the answer anyway. Whoever dared to go against Hunter had something coming, and by hiding Finn, Jeff would be in huge trouble. And normally, Kurt cared about most residents like they were friends, but he just needed a bit more time to think.

“One hour, please Jeff. If not for me, do it for him. I´m afraid he will hurt him when I don't show up in ten minutes and I just need a little more time.”

“Fine!” Jeff snapped.”An hour or I will kick him out. Fuck, I really hope you bring me a pack or two because I need more than one cigarette once he finds out.”
A breath left Kurt.”Thank you. An hour, I promise.”

Once he had ended the call, he switched off his phone. It vibrated in his hands with another incoming call before it was finally dead. He only had 59 minutes now, needed at least 20 minutes home. Yes, enough time to stop being a gentleman and find the bathroom.

When he returned, Blaine eyed him with concern once again, capable of one emotion only it seemed. It was terribly annoying, which was why Kurt wouldn´t meet his eyes again. He simply looked where he was going while dragging Blaine through the maze.

“Where are we going?” Blaine yelped as they crossed a corner.
“I really need to do something-.”
“Okay.”

Gullible. So fucking gullible that it was surprising that no one had abducted Blaine as a kid. Abduction being a big word for a kid Kurt was certain, would go along if someone said he needed help. Needed him.

The bathroom outside was as artsy as the inside. Blue lighting turning the pink sinks purple and the eyes of the mosaic kraken were glowing. Thankfully, they were alone, every cubicle door open and showing their empty state. Now all he had to do was decide for a role. Still shy, or daring now? Needy?

“Blaine, I really feel like this is going to be something special for us.” He started, batting his eyelids.”I haven´t felt that for anyone in such a long time. And I don´t want you to get the wrong opinion of me. I really am not like that.”
“Like what?” Blaine gulped.

He was clearly affected by Kurt´s proximity, his leg moving against Blaine´s slightly apart ones. Almost touch his cock, but not quite yet.

“Like someone who wants to end this date in a special way, since something important has come up.”

Kurt stumbled a bit when Blaine took a step back. Hands were on his face next, forcing his head up gently. “Is everything alright? It´s not something serious, is it?”
“No, I just need to be home soon to take care of Finn.” Blaine visibly relaxed, as if drained of his worry.”That is why, I wanted to know, if it was okay if I did something?”
“Okay, what do you have in mind?”

Kurt´s eyes almost rolled all the way back into his head, where he´d see his brain sighing in irritation. He emphasized his point with a finger tracing the cloth-covered crotch, making Blaine gasp.

“Here?” Blaine asked between another hiss.

“It is an abstract art gallery, right? I think people will be a bit more open minded to new things?”

“I don´t know.” Kurt retracted his hand, noticing Blaine´s body involuntarily following it. “It is not that I don´t want to but- the thing with Craig is still making me hesitate, because this is exactly how our relationship started, minus the cubicle because he would think that beneath him, but look where it ended. I know this is not what you want, but could it wait? Just give me a bit more time and let me show you how much I want it then?”

Kurt tried not to show his annoyance, which was proving to be difficult. He had half a mind of convincing Blaine like he did with all the closet cases that were hesitant of fucking him. Instead he held up his hands.

“Of course it can. I am sorry if I was coming on too strong. How about we go out and look at some pictures and you tell me about this Craig?”
Blaine´s smile returned, as did his touch. “Sure, though there is nothing much to tell.”

“There always is.” Kurt muttered.

“What?”
“Oh, nothing. So Craig and you didn´t work out because-?”

Turned out they broke up because of sex. It was not a very interesting story, cheating wasn´t for someone who was daily used as the one they cheated with. He wondered if he knew this Craig. It was a big city and yet it seemed mighty small with the people he crossed while outside, looking at him knowingly even though he had no memory of ever sleeping with them. Yet they mostly had, proving it by messaging his butt and whispering promises of return.

Kurt tried to look shocked and sympathizing as Blaine omitted most of what had happened. He didn´t exactly show, but his giving character had recovered with scars to show. Scars that Kurt would not only rip open, but create more once he was finished, which suddenly didn´t feel  as good.

“I think this not a good basis for our first date.” Blaine suddenly cut himself off midsentence.

“What was the night at the bar, if not a date.”
“That doesn´t count. I didn´t even pay.”
Kurt scowled a bit, when really he was pleased with that answer.”Believe it or not, I am a man as well. And I can be all gentlemanly when I want to be, too.”
“That wasn´t what I meant.” Blaine rushed to say.
“I can open your door, I can pay for the dinner and I can compliment you on your wardrobe.”
“Of course you can.” Blaine mumbled.”I didn´t want you to feel like you couldn´t.”
His eyes didn´t leave the floor until Kurt laughed and bumped his shoulder lightly. “Blaine, I was teasing you and your dapper-man self-made codex of gentlemen.”

“What? You dare mock me, sir?” He quipped teasingly.

And through that the date was set on the right track again, no more awkward feelings about the bathroom incident or the whining about the ex lingering. For the remainder of the shortcut evening, they evaluated pictures and tried to come up with creative titles for them. Blaine had seemed like a stiff, rich man that tired to stay youthful through jokes. Turned out, he was youthful and his humor even kind of clicked with the dry one Kurt actually had.

When Kurt needed to go, his lips lingered for about a second longer but the kiss was so achingly sweet that it never would fit right into the tightly knitted association he had with kissing.

x

Kissing Karofsky always entailed tongue and hunger for more. And yet he was disgusted how similar the words ushered were to what he had heard Blaine say.

“You are so beautiful.” Karofsky said after relentlessly fucking Kurt´s mouth.”I love how smooth your skin is and how clushed and red your cheeks are after- yunno.” Sex. Gay sex. Spit it out, you´re fucking a male whore.” I love you so much, Lucky.”

“Sure.” Kurt said, no point trying to be someone else. Karofsky was too stupid to even truly listen, engulfed in a bubble of sick emotions.
“I saved up to 4000 Dollars now, just a few more to go until we can finally get you out of here. We won´t have a nice apartment for a while but at least we, uhm, have this, right?”
“Uhum.”
“There is this nice place I want to take you soon, someplace where we it is only us. Hunter said he agreed to it if the price was right, so I have to save up some more and we´ll go in summer. You´d like to be in the woods right? I wouldn´t want your skin to burn on a beach or the men to look at what´s mine.”
Kurt sighed, sitting up. “As nice as that is, if talking is all you want to do, I have better things to do.”
He regretted it the following second when his head was pulled back by his hair and damp breath met his face.”Better things like what? No one appreciates you like I do. They just want someone to fuck and go. Us, that is different.”
“You can´t even spell the word gay and you tell me what we have is special or that you love me? Surprise, having sex with a man when you are male is considered majorly gay. And you don´t do a good job staying in the closet.”

His hair was gripped tighter, but no sound escaped his lips. This was nothing, he has had worse. Karofsky still seethed, finally letting go but pinning Kurt's body under his instead. “What has brought this on? Since when do you act that way?”
“Since fucking ever. Just get it over with and leave, or go to sleep and you're your money go to waste on me.”
“It was the guy you have been with, right? That fucker you lied to Hunter about? I thought you lied because you tried to meet me but couldn´t because you didn´t know where I lived. But you meet some guy that pays you more right? He was the one who told you to act like that, is that it? Does he love you? Does he tell you how beautiful you are, like I do?”
Kurt didn´t reply, knowing it wouldn´t penetrates the thick skull of him.

“Fine, if you don´t want to tell me, I will simply come here every evening, pay in advance. He won´t see you again because you can be with me.”
“You think you can do that? I can still refuse!”

He couldn´t. Not that night, not ever.

Hunter was right for once, Kurt had brought that on and while it hadn´t been the worst sex he had been forced to endure, the shallow compliments still made his skin crawl long after Karofsky had fallen asleep next to him. At the first sign of the deep snore that fucker had, he was off the bed, wiping himself clean and was out the room that Hunter had given him on his sixteenth birthday. His clothes consisted of the tiniest shorts and a slutty top falling off one shoulder, all the wardrobe Karofsky had ordered him to wear. The lipstick was long kissed and licked away, but his mouth still tasted like ash and cum.

The high-heels he now wore in his hand were clicking against each other while he walked, not loud enough to drown out the noises coming from the other rooms or the loud music from the bar beneath him. He felt no more used today than he did on most nights, and yet he almost didn´t have the power to go home and possibly face a death threats of Jeff or the prodding of Finn. He definitely was not up to a conversation with Rachel, who glared at him, sitting on the stairs he wanted to go up either.

He tried to ignore her, but she wouldn´t budge a bit to let him through and he hadn´t reached the point of hurting people in order to get what he wanted. Other´s filled that spot nicely anyway.

“Good evening, Kurt. Heard Karofsky has booked a night, and yet you are here and not with him. What does that tell me?”
“Evening, Rachel. Heard it is none of your business. Would you be so kind and move your scantly covered ass from the stairs?”

She let out a haughty sound. Rachel Berry, Mrs. Innocent most called her, Fanny she wanted to be called by clients, but Kurt mostly stuck with bitch. And she was and he did not solely mean her occupation with that. She had come here with seventeen, to New York that is, with dreams of Broadway and wearing cat sweaters until she fell for Hunter and landed here, in this business. At least that was what people told him and he wasn´t all too interested whether it was the truth. He judged people on how they behaved when they were at their lowest point, and all sluts working for Hunter had long reached that point. Rachel just secluded herself from every little acquaintanceship that you could form in hell and lashed out to everyone. Santana wasn´t much better but unlike Rachel, she never sucked up to Hunter and she had her moments of hidden kindness.

So maybe it was true, that Rachel was still pining for the devil and that was the reason she told him every secret she found out about his ´employees´. The truth was that Hunter still barely paid her attention and for once he was grateful for that not for her sanity sake but for the little fun he had whenever her heard her scream when Hunter didn´t let her into his office. That he left would not go unheard by Hunter now, but he was too exhausted to care.

Her scowl was replaced by a wicked smile. Once upon a time, she must have been an ordinary girl with dreams higher than the Empire State Building but now she was here with him and her arrogance was as fake as the innocent girl she played for her costumers.

“Well, well, well, someone is grumpy. Why is that? Has Hunter finally decided he didn´t need your untalented, used body here? Someone told me you have turned a bit lose. He won´t like that since people pay less for you.”
“Bitch, just please get it over with, I just want to go to bed.”
“Hunter will hear about this. Not only have you lied to him about your whereabouts, you also did not take his call. I was with him when he called, you know, and damn he was really pissed off. Wait until he hears what you called me! I convinced him to would be best if he taught you manners.”

“Sucking his dick will not improve manners, no matter how much you tell yourself it does.”
When Rachel made space for him, he looked at her warily. She wore a grin widened by the smudged pink lip-gloss, making her look like an evil clown. “No, but him spending a whole weekend with Finn will.”
“What?” He whipped around, close to manhandling her in his panicked state.”What did you say?”

“You heard me.”
Kurt bit down on his lips. There was no point on staying, she would never tell him more, always teasing him with the only pressure point he had. He skipped stairs while running up to the third floor where the apartments of them were locate. Rachel´s yelling echoed up the staircase and in his head.

“That is what you get for turning your back. Soon, he won´t favor you anymore and you know what that means for your brother.”

Then she laughed and laughed and laughed, like a broken record of one of the Broadway ones he had stolen from her. He had to get to Finn and then he had to set everything right.

He found Jeff and Finn in Nick´s apartment, cuddled into a thick ball of three guys on one couch. Sighing he went to change his clothes as to not disturb Finn once he woke up and found Kurt in clothes meant for women. His handy glowed with new text messages when he turned it on, and nine calls from his boss. He was tired for either. He returned to Nick´s, cuddling close into the tiny space left for him. Finn´s eyes opened slightly, spotted him and sluggishly he made his way over to Kurt´s lap, where he sat down, chin pressed on top of Kurt´s shoulder.

“Kurt, why-“
He stroked his brother´s hair until he stopped speaking. “Go back to sleep buddy. I´m right here.”

X

Blaine Anderson 10.21 pm: I accidentally bought the butt picture. Now I don´t even know where to put it. Do you have any use for your ´heart´´?

Blaine Anderson 11.12 pm: I thought about it and you could help me find a new space for the picture. We can paint and donate a picture like we wanted to and cook something for dinner until it is time to move on to the Butt´s new place in my home. I´ll send you my address and maybe you could come over sometime this week?

Blaine Anderson 11.35 pm: Good night. xx