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March 23, 2012, 10:04 a.m.
March 23, 2012, 10:04 a.m.
- - -
Sometimes, I dream he'll save me from my monotonous life, other times I save him. He's perfect in every way. I don't know his name. I don't even know if he exists beyond those corners of my mind.
No one at Dalton compares. Not to this wonderful boy in my head, this boy that doesn't exist. They don't understand. The boy I want isn't the illusion of perfection, he's perfect for me.
Wes wants me to get a boyfriend, but he doesn't understand. I know what I want, and I haven't found him yet. Perhaps, I never will, but in my mind that is the boy I want, and no one will ever compare.
- - -
Kurt Hummel sat cross legged on his bed with a hand mirror held up in front of him, his back to a larger mirror. The bruise on his back was unmistakable and sitting right above an already healing bruise. Kurt dropped the mirror on his bed and let his shoulders slump out of his usually perfect stature. He gently straightened out his legs and lowered himself onto his back. The pain was just bearable, something Kurt was only too used to. He barely even noticed it.
He laid on his bed for a while, eyes roaming his white ceiling. It was too blank, cold. It went well with the Dior gray of his walls, but Kurt thought that maybe his entire room needed a change, a new beginning. What he really needed, Kurt knew, was a good distraction, a project that would keep him occupied and away from thoughts about Karofsky and why he was targeting Kurt so specifically over something everyone in the school had known even before he'd officially admitted it.
The phone he'd dropped on his bed earlier, vibrated on the bed and Kurt snatched it up, confused when Rachel's name flashed on the screen. He answered the call.
"What can I do for you, Rachel Berry?" He asked, in an inquisitive voice that was neither warm or cold, just neutral.
"Kurt, I hope you're having a good evening and that I'm not intruding," she didn't pause before continuing, "and I know usually you wouldn't be the person I'd call, but Finn refuses to help and I doubt he'd be very good help anyway, and I don't feel comfortable asking Sam or Mike to do this, and Puck and Artie are definitely out of the question. So, really, it only left you and..."
Kurt rolled his eyes and gingerly sat up. "Rachel," he said and again louder, "Rachel!"
She stopped talking.
"Stop explaining yourself, or I will hang up on you. What do you need?"
He heard her heave a sigh. "Do you want to help me spy on The Dalton Academy Warblers?"
Kurt knew at once that saying yes would end badly. This was Rachel Berry, after all, and any plan of hers would end disastrously. But he was curious.
"How do you plan to accomplish that?" He asked.
"Well, Kurt, that's where you come in. I'm not a boy and I doubt I'd be able to disguise myself well enough. And I know you're very effeminate, Kurt, but you're still, you know, a boy. So, I thought you could sneak in and video tape them or just, you know, get a voice recording of them singing. I've already taken the liberty of finding out when the best time to spy of them would be. A performance is scheduled for tomorrow and I was hoping you could go and get us a good idea as to how good they are."
Kurt would be lying if he said he wasn't interested in Dalton Academy's Warblers. The very idea of an all boys school intrigued Kurt like no other. One couldn't help but wonder about what kind of boys would join an all boys glee club.
He listened to Rachel as she went on, describing anything that could convince Kurt further that he should help out.
"It's for the good of the club, Kurt," she was saying now.
Kurt rolled his eyes and then sighed. "Alright, fine, Rachel, but you better get me a picture or something of their uniform or I'll stand out and give myself away at once."
"I've got you one better," Rachel said and paused for dramatic effect, "My gay dads had to meet a friend from school yesterday and I went with them. They were meeting in Westerville, so I asked to stop by the school and I stole you a uniform. I think it's close to your size."
He really should have expected nothing less from Rachel. He decided in that moment that if he was ever to plan a murder or something of equal gravity that Rachel Berry would be number one in his list of people to call for when he needed to rid himself of the body.
"So," he said, instead of praising her for her work, because really he and Rachel needed to keep their status as not really friends, "you already assumed I would just do it?"
She grunted. "Finn was never an option," she admitted and then her voice turned serious again, "Okay, so tomorrow at school, we can figure everything out. We'll have to skip lunch and three of our classes after it, but we'll be back by Glee. Is that okay?"
Kurt knew there was nothing he could say to protest. "Sure. Don't forget the uniform. You better have this planned out, Rachel, I seriously do not want to get caught. This isn't like Vocal Adrenaline. I'll be trespassing into a private school."
Rachel reassured him she had everything under control and Kurt decided that he might as well trust her. Rachel's plans didn't always go wrong.
- - -
I flinch every time I see him. I'm afraid all the time, and there's nothing anyone can do. Mr. Shuester even told me I shouldn't let it get to me. But how do you not let this get to you? How do you just ignore the names or the bruises on your back?
I know everyone has problems. I'm not selfish or trying to get pity. I haven't told anyone, have I? I just shouldn't be ignored. My pain should matter to someone. But no one notices a thing. Not Finn or Mercedes. Mr. Shuester knows. So does Tina. They've seen it. But all they ask is if I'm okay, or to just ignore it. They think it's okay because it's always been normal at this school.
Mommy would have noticed the difference. She would have known at once. I don't want to worry dad. Not after his heart attack, and not when we're getting along so well. Not when he and Carole are working out so well.
I can handle the bruises, I can handle the pain, I can handle the names. I picture the day when I'll get out of here, be a part of a world where my differences and who I am will make people like me. Where this bullying would never be tolerated. I wonder if there even is such a place out in the world or if I'll ever even find it.
From the diary of Kurt Hummel
- - -
The next day found Kurt in the girls bathroom, for once not getting slushie out of his clothes, but still getting out of one outfit into another. The Dalton Academy uniform was not the most atrocious thing Kurt had ever laid his eyes on, but it was still an uniform and the material it was made out of was not something Kurt was very familiar with wearing. It was stiff and the trousers were awkwardly loose. The collar of the white oxford shirt made his neck itch, and the red piping on the blue blazer was something he could have done without.
"Kurt, hurry up," Rachel hissed. She was standing outside his stall and he could hear her tapping her feet.
Kurt sighed and unlatched the door. She stepped back as he pushed it open, and clapped her hands when he came into sight.
"Perfect," she said.
He walked to the nearest mirror and fixed the tie, and then the blazer, before making sure his hair wasn't out of place. Rachel, who looked impatient, grabbed his arm before he could start on something else or break out his bottle of hairspray.
"Rachel!" he cried.
Rachel ignored him, except to say, "we have to go. Or we'll be late."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "You act like this is some sort of appointment."
She lead the way out of the school through one of the side entrances whose camera had once been hit to point up to the ceiling and never set back in place. Once they were outside, they made a beeline for Kurt's car and quickly got in.
Kurt, who had already programmed the address into his GPS, turned on his car, the Tom Tom and radio before they were on their way.
Rachel for once, did not try to talk to Kurt for the first half of the ride there, but once they were just twenty minutes away from the school, as indicated by the GPS, began to instill in him what he had to do.
"Rachel," Kurt said when they finally entered Westerville, "would you please just, shut up. I know what I have to do."
She eyed him and sighed. "It's just important, you know." She sniffed and looked out the window.
Kurt ignored her.
Dalton Academy turned out to be a wonderment in architecture, so much so, that upon first glancing at the main building, Kurt almost crashed into another car.
It was obvious the school had money, not only was the building beautiful and reminiscent of a Victorian era manor, it was so well kept it looked like it had just been built, but its lawn was well cut and the flowers and trees strategically placed to be the most pleasing. The buildings that surrounded the main were all close to the same.
"It's beautiful," he told Rachel as he drove into one of the parking lots and found a free space.
"I know," Rachel said, smiling a little and then began to explain to Kurt what door to go in through.
"I watched them that day I was here, and as long as you're in uniform they won't ask if you belong...so we have that covered. I don't know where the performance will happen exactly, but I did grab this map and so I think it could be in either the Arts Building or the main one. They're all interconnected through the basement. You'll be going into the Arts building. You'll figure it out I think. Anyway, you should go. And you have the camera and voice recorder we got from Artie?"
Kurt nodded and patted his pocket. He suddenly felt like this was a terrible idea. He wanted to tell Rachel as much and that they should just go back to McKinley, but she was already pushing his school bag towards him and she didn't look like she'd be willing to let the spying go. So, after reassuring himself that it wouldn't be a terrible disaster, he got out of his car and headed calmly towards the building Rachel had pointed out, focusing on admiring the campus rather than his task at hand.
He made it into the school easily, and imagined that the uniform really did do the trick. Who would question a boy in full Dalton uniform, after all?
There were a few boys in the halls, some walking leisurely, and others quickly. None of them chattered away with friends, just walked along and a few whispered to each other. Kurt watched them and followed a few boys who were talking excitedly in low tones.
"I'm so glad they're doing it today," one boy, short with sandy blond hair said, "getting to miss Perrault's exam is the only thing that will make this week alright."
His friend nodded. "When I got the text, I just knew today would be a good day. I can't believe Jeff didn't mention it last night...and I kept complaining about my class today, too."
The last of the boys, piped in, then, "they don't always know when they're doing something like this. Impromptu, you know."
The second one to have spoken, a tall dark haired boy that was quite handsome snorted. "With Wes on the council? That boy has to have everything scheduled into his journal, you know that. There's not one impulsive bone in his body when it comes to the Warblers."
Kurt's ears perked up at that and he continued following them with just enough space between them so they wouldn't notice that he was a) following them, and b) eavesdropping on them.
But for trying to keep his distance, Kurt lost the boys, once they headed through double doors that had been left open into another hallway that was full of boys headed in all directions, all excited and babbling about a text they'd all received.
"So excited..."
"They haven't done this in a month!"
"...think Blaine's lead?"
Kurt caught multiple versions of snippets of conversation and he began to follow some of the crowd. For a moment he considered asking one of the boys what was going on, but keeping himself as much out of the way as possible. He didn't need attention brought to him, so instead he followed the boys and tried to stop himself from noticing how good looking most of them were, but failing miserably.
Eventually he arrived at a large room, this was where they had all been headed and to Kurt it looked like a room that should have been nothing special at this school.
He'd been focused more on where he was going than the interior decorating, but from what Kurt had actually stopped to admire, he knew that it was all very beautiful.
Boys were moving furniture out of the way and laughing together. Some held whispered conversations, and others were silent in their anticipation.
Kurt found himself a spot to stand in that could keep him out of the direct sight of any of the boys, but so he still managed to look at the space that had been cleared.
More and more boys came into the room and found places to stand or sit, and then some of them were suddenly in the middle of the room, ready to break out into song, Kurt could see it in the way they stood. He fiddled with the camera Artie had given Rachel and hoped it would work. It was small enough to hide, but Kurt couldn't keep trying to make sure he was getting everything without letting everyone around him know he was filming the performance. He had just gotten it to the right spot, when two boys walked in, arguing in not too loud tones.
He noticed them at once, because the one closest to him though he was wearing the same uniform as everyone else, seemed to pull it off like only some of the other boys could. He was handsome, despite all the gel in his hair.
"...just saying...could...for you," the other boy, an Asian boy with an aura of authority said, Kurt only managing to hear a few of his words.
The boy that Kurt had become interested at once, rolled his eyes and Kurt heard everything he said, then, because he paused just in front of Kurt, "you need to understand boundaries, Wesley, I don't appreciate this. And no, Lucas will not do."
"Blaine!" Wesley said and then sighed, "this isn't over."
After this, they stepped forward and the other boys that had been in the center of the room joined them in a predetermined formation and the boy that'd been called Blaine, stepped forward.
Kurt didn't expect them to do Katy Perry, but it was what they sang. He expected even less, for the other boys around him to be so enthused by the song. The Warblers were good. They could have done more for their choreography, but their voices were perfect. Blaine performed with confidence and a demeanor that hadn't been there when he and Wes were walking into the room.
Kurt watched them, amazed, his eyes not drifting away from Blaine. This year they really were going to have some competition.
When the performance was over, the Warblers mingled with each other and the other students. Kurt waited until some of the other boys around him started to leave, now that the Warblers had announced they weren't doing another song, and then followed them out, catching a last glimpse of Blaine and Wes once again deep in discussion, this time with another boy.
- - -
I'll never really admit it anywhere else, but I hope the lead singer is gay. I don't think I could describe my feelings further than that.
Dalton is like a dream world. But I don't know all the details. I don't know if there's more to it than just the glimpse I caught today. Somehow I find I want to thank Rachel for letting me see this. I want desperately for this place to be what I've been looking for, but you can never be too sure about that sort of thing.
- - -
"Any of them, Blaine," Wes said. "They all love you. You could have any boy in this school. Gay or straight, I think they would all go for you."
Blaine shrugged the arm Wes had placed around his shoulders to say this to him. "They like this illusion of me, the lead singer of the Warblers, none of them actually know me and for that matter I don't know any of them."
Wes rolled his eyes. "That's because other than Warblers, you do no other extracurricular activities. I keep telling you to join something else, not just for you college applications next year, either."
They were walking down one of the less used hallways in Dalton's Arts Building after Blaine had tried to leave what had been dubbed The Warblers' Commons because it was the one common room anywhere at Dalton where one could at any time find some of the Warblers, and where all their 'impromptu' performances were held.
"What I don't understand," Blaine said, "is why you're so set on controlling my life. You want me to join more clubs, you want me to get a boyfriend. Next what, you'll decide that I don't just like boys and start setting me up with your girlfriend's friends? Wes, seriously, I may be your lead singer, but you just can't make my every decision. I'm happy, Wes, I am. My life is finally making sense to me, and I don't want you to keep pushing. As my friend, just, please."
Wes looked for a moment taken aback. He stared at Blaine and shook his head with a sigh. "It's not that I think I know what's best for you, just that I worry. You know I worry. And I can't help thinking you're lonely. I just...you've never had a boyfriend, Blaine, and you're not even trying and...you don't know how it'd feel."
"No, I don't know, but I like how things are now." Blaine stopped and turned to face Wes. "I'm waiting to meet someone wonderful. And I know I haven't met him yet, but I'll know when I do."
"You haven't met anyone, because you refuse to meet anyone," Wes said and then rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Look, I have to go meet up with David and Thad, just think about it."
Blaine nodded and watched Wes go in the direction they'd come from, for a while wondering if Wes was right and he just didn't know that he wanted a boyfriend because he'd never had one before. He shook the thought for the moment and continued on his way, humming to himself.
He continued, turning into a different more busy hall and smiling at a few boys who called out to him about the earlier performance, but didn't pause to talk to them. Maybe he wasn't very social. He only ever hung out with some of the Warblers and the boys that resided on his floor at Stevenson, after all. But Dalton was a hard school. Blaine spent most of his time on school work, and if not that then practicing songs for the Warblers. He didn't have time to get to know every boy at Dalton.
Blaine walked out of the Arts Building and walked across the ground towards Stevenson. There were two other dorms at Dalton, and for a while Blaine had belonged to Stoughton, before Wes, David, and Thad talked to housing and got him to move into to spare single at Stevenson instead.
Though Blaine headed towards Stevenson House, he bypassed it, and walked instead to the parking lot just off of Stevenson, reserved for the juniors and seniors that lived there and drove. They were given freedom to come and go as long as they were back at their perspective House before midnight or their parents called to excuse them for the night.
Blaine got to his car and got in, glad to be able to escape Dalton for a little while, even if he was just going to get himself coffee and a biscotti at his favorite cafe. He pulled out of his usual parking spot and headed on his way, still wondering if his life wasn't as fulfilled as he thought it was, if Wes was seeing something he was missing.
- - -
I think I'm happy. I think I know what I want. But will I ever find that boy if I don't try? Maybe he's looking for me too.
They don't get it. I want it all. I want the complications of a boy in my life, but I want the right one, not just someone to fill the spot until he comes along. The question remains: is he even real?
wow I don't know what to say but I really liked it :]
Dammit! Now there isn't a way for Blaine to get his voice back? The stage is like making a deal, right? Oh but I loved it!