“Do you ever hate yourself?” Blaine whispered to Clyde who gave him a strange look. 

“What do you mean?” The older man dipped his brush in the nearby paint and kept working on his painting. 

“I mean,” Blaine hesitated and stared at his own paint palette. “I mean I figure everyone should hate me…after what I did…but I don’t think anyone can hate me as much as I hate myself. I can’t tell people how to feel about me or how to act. If they hate me that’s their thing but how do you stop hating yourself. How do you stop dreaming about those things. How do you stop them from lingering in the back of your mind?”

“When my son was born I would spend the money that was supposed to go towards his food and diapers and clothes and buy heroin instead. I was getting high while my son was hungry and in his own filth,” Clyde made a few short strokes with his brush. “I hate myself for that but I wasn’t myself. That stuff…it’s not who you are.”

“What if it is?”

“These horrible things you did, they weren’t your fault. They were because you needed something and it was the way to get it,” He glanced over his easel at the smaller boy. “Being a drug addict is being in survival mode. You will do anything for another hit.”

“I can see that…”

“If you had the choice now, would you do them again?” He cocked his head to the side. 

“I didn’t want to do them in the first place,” Blaine’s shoulders curled. “I mean…I asked for it but I didn’t want to.”

“Asked for what?” Clyde’s eyes went sharp and he moved to get a better look. 

“Well, you know that I was a little…”

“Promiscuous?” 

“Yeah…that,” A small smile quirked at Blaine’s lips before he ducked his head. “Sorry…I haven’t talked about this yet…but yes I used something else besides the drugs to forget and feel wanted. There was this one guy, a very wealthy man, who was extremely rough. I wanted to stop once he started hurting me but…but I had followed him home and I had asked for it. It was my fault so why do I feel so bad about it?”

“Blaine…did you say no or stop?” The normally cheerful man looked far too serious. 

“Yeah…but I went with him willingly. I was totally prepared for that…evening,” Blaine felt his face heating up. “You know, I’m sorry this is probably really uncomfortable for you.”

“I’m just worried about you,” Clyde stepped towards him. “Saying no or stop, even in the middle of having sex, means no or stop. Anything after that is rape.”

“Oh I wasn’t raped,” Blaine shook his head quickly, stepping back. 

“Saying no is basically the definition.”

“You can’t really rape a slut can you?” His voice was icy and stiff. 

“You’re not a slut. You’re a person, a kid. Have you spoken about this with your therapist?” Clyde’s eyes were soft and kind. 

“I didn’t think it was important.”

“If you’re having constant nightmares about it than it most certainly is important,” Clyde took in a deep breath and stared at his feet. “They have specialists for this kind of thing.” 

“Forget I even brought it up,” Blaine threw his hands up in the air. “Sorry, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for talking to me. You’re not burdening me or whatever. I like to think that we’ve become friends after this time or at least can support each other. We’ve both been at our lowest point and I like to think no one can understand what we’ve been through besides each other,” He sighed and scratched the back of his head. 

“I’m sorry Clyde, but you don’t really know me,” Blaine stood stiffly. 

“I know that you’re scared, and hurt, and feeling like you have nothing left. You are so young though Blaine. Making mistakes isn’t what defines you, it’s about how you rise from them,” He offered a small smile. “I’m no shrink and I don’t pretend to be but I do know that you’ve been through a lot for your age and it wont be fixed over night.”

“What if it never gets fixed?”

“You’re not broken Blaine,” Clyde smiled. “Don’t let anyone make you believe that.” 

Blaine smiled slightly and took his brush returning to his painting. 

“I like it,” Clyde motioned towards the canvas. 

In the corner of the painting was a small black figure, huddled in a ball with its head bowed. Bright, loud colors and shapes exploded all around it and rained down. 

“Thanks.” Blaine whispered back and started on a new corner. 

~*~

When Christmas break had arrived for Rachel and Isabelle had granted Kurt a very generous three week vacation, they both happily went home to their families. 

As much as he loved the rush and thrill of New York it was kind of nice to go back to sleepy Lima. 

The Lima Bean, while usually busy, was now packed with people trying to avoid the snow and get something hot to drink. He stood patiently in line, just enjoying the heat and strong aroma of coffee. 

“Kurt?” He jumped and spun around to see Sebastian smiling slightly at him. 

“Ah…I didn’t recognize you without the blazer. I thought you were born in it,” He glanced down at the expensive sweater and dark wash jeans. 

“Well…it’s winter break,” Sebastian shrugged. 

“Right.”

“So how’s New York,” It was almost funny how awkward he looked. 

“You don’t really care how New York is.”

“I really don’t,” Sebastian’s nose crinkled. “Have you heard from Blaine?”

“Oh,” Kurt’s smirk slipped off his face and it felt like he had been punched in the stomach. “Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard but he’s in a rehab program now. It’s a really good one.”

“Good,” Sebastian’s shoulders slumped in relief. 

“But they won’t let us have any contact with him,” Kurt continued. “Something about us not being his crutch to avoid getting better.”

“Well I’m glad he’s getting help.”

“Cooper told me what you did,” Kurt added after a moment of silence. “About how you helped him at Scandals and called him. I never thanked you.”

“I didn’t do it for you,” Sebastian stiffened. 

“I know. You might have saved his life though,” Sebastian stared down at his dress shoes. “You didn’t have to help him and you did.”

“Are you two still together?”

“No,” Kurt winced a little. “No…we’re over but that doesn’t mean you can swoop in and take him.” 

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Sebastian laughed loudly. “Blaine super sexy and all but I’ve discovered he’s…not really my type.”

“Oh?” Kurt raised his eyebrows. 

“Yeah I’m more attracted to the strong manly type, not so much the puppy dog,” Sebastian’s eyes sparkled.

“Are you saying…” Kurt’s face split into a wide grin. “You and Dave?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian ducked his head and a blush spread across his cheeks. “It’s only been for a few weeks but it’s going really good.”

“I’m happy for you two,” Kurt nudged him slightly and got a shy little laugh in return. “I didn’t think you were the boyfriend type.”

“I’m not,” He shrugged. “That’s the weird part.” 

Kurt laughed and stepped up to order his coffee. They continued to chat until they both had steaming cups in hand.

“Well I’m supposed to go help the family decorate the tree,” Kurt rolled his eyes. “I had to leave because Finn ate all the popcorn for the popcorn strings and I was going to murder him. Can I get your number, maybe we can stay in touch?”

“I already have your number,” Sebastian pulled out his phone. “I’ll just text you mine.”

“You have my number?”

“Keep your friends close, enemies closer right?” He laughed softly. 

“Hopefully we can just remain friends then?” Kurt’s phone buzzed with the text. 

“Of course,” Sebastian nodded. “Well Kurt, I hope to see you around.” 

With a quick salute of the coffee cup Sebastian walked out to his car and drove off. Smiling, Kurt took his own coffee and started the drive home. 

“Hi!” He called out as soon as he stepped into the warm house. 

“We decided to distract Finn with cookies so he wouldn’t eat the popcorn,” Carole called from the living room where they were setting up the tree. “It’s almost done.” 

Kurt leaned against the wall and stared at the twinkling tree lights. The tree was covered in handmade ornaments and silly little toys that had been attached to string. 

“Feels like a family,” Carole’s eyes were warm. 

“It does,” He gave her a little smile as she hugged him. 

“Speaking of family…I know that Cooper is by himself in that big house…” Carole sighed. “That poor boy refuses to leave until his brother gets home.”

“He should come for Christmas dinner and morning,” Kurt added, getting a nod. 

“I hate the idea of him spending Christmas alone,” She rubbed his back. “Are you okay with that? I mean…you and Blaine aren’t together anymore.”

“I don’t want him to be alone while Blaine is in rehab. Cooper is a nice guy and deserves a family Christmas. Maybe Blaine and I aren’t together anymore but I still care about him,” Kurt shrugged. “I can call him.”

“Please do,” Carole smiled. “I’m making plenty of food and I need someone besides Finn to eat it.”

~*~

The next day Blaine sat in his individual therapist’s office and wrung his hands together. 

“You seem stressed,” Mark said gently, leaning back. 

“I’ve been thinking,” He swallowed convulsively. “And…and I think I need help.”