I could never pinpoint the exact moment Seb and I became friends. It seems as if we had always just been. It has always been Sebastian and Kurt. He would push me on the wooden swings when we were younger. Sometimes he would push too hard and I would fall off into the cold sand. He would laugh as if my pain was a joke. Seb was always a bit cruel.
-
I remember those days with Seb as if they were months ago rather than years. I remember how the warm summer sun would spill onto my freckled face in Dalton's old playground. I remember the scent of fresh lilies in the frog pond. I remember the first time I fell into the pond, cold water and silky mud encasing me until Seb helped me out. I couldn’t swim.
-
Many people look forward to things, but as it is I don’t have much to look forward to anymore, so I tend to look back.
Back to my childhood at Dalton, back to the cottages where I spent my late teens and early adulthood. Back to the old school ground that shaped me. Back to when Sebastian, Blaine and I were one.
-
Dalton was a lovely building, one of the nicest of The Facilities I would find out later. It had warn, red bricks and cold wooden floors. In the winter if you forgot your socks you could catch a cold and they’d lock you up in the infirmary.
Dalton was very large, it had huge windows with little seats next to them in the common rooms. And a grand staircase flowing through the middle that reached every floor on the building. I will never forget that old staircase where we all would come down for breakfast. Ever since I was a baby all I have known was Dalton. We never left the grounds, we never even thought of it. My world was Dalton in every way.
As I said before I can’t remember when Seb and I became friends, I don’t remember when I met him, we have always worked as a unit; we’ve always had the same bed, me on the bottom bunk while he was on the top. I secretly wanted the top bunk, all through our 18 years there I wanted it, but that bed was his and I never thought to question Seb, he always knew what he was talking about. He was always so sure of himself it seemed maybe he knew everything. Of course that is how little minds may work, no one can know everything, it’s almost ignorant to believe we know anything at all.
Seb and I have always been the best of friends, even when he was cruel to me, I knew he was just trying to protect me. Seb was my everything, I loved him; but only as a friend or maybe brother.
Blaine was different. I remember everything up to the moment that I met Blaine.
I was seven years old when we met. He was walking down the grand staircase, fuming with anger and freshly dried tears. I was going up to my dorm to read a book during recess. He looked so broken, so sad and hurt I felt for him.
“Excuse me,” I said, grabbing his arm gently. Blaine looked up at me with sad eyes, anger melting away at the simple gesture as if no one had ever paid him such a courtesy. The sadness still remained though, etched into his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked softly, he turned around on the staircase, facing me strait on. I could see the emotions going on his face, it’s a lot harder to hide such things as a child when you’re so unaware of everything.
“The boys in art, they told me I was drawing a family wrong, and ripped up my painting,” he said, tears already pooling in his eyes once more.
“How can you draw a family wrong?” I asked, and he explained.
I don’t remember what his exact words were after that, I know that he drew a husband with a husband instead of a husband with a wife, and was teased for it. I know that they ripped up his painting and told him he was wrong. See, we didn’t know what a family was, we never had one. All we knew was what they told us a family was.
I don’t blame those kids now, they didn’t know any better or worse. Although I did hate them for a long while, my fierce protective nature towards of Blaine falling into ignorant hate towards those who harmed him.
After Blaine finished explaining I took him to my dorm and told him that it was normal for boys to want husbands, that Seb said so and that had to be true. He started crying, asking if he was broken or weird.
“You’re definitely weird,” I said
“But you don’t have any cracks in you so I don’t think you can be broken”
Sadly at the age of seven I didn’t know that one could shatter without showing a single crack.
Thankfully Blaine smiled at that, introduced himself,
“Blaine” he said, holding out his hand.
“Kurt,” I replied, shaking it and smiling.
A friendship was born, little did I know how dangerous love could be if you let it consume you.
-
I kept Blaine a secret from Sebastian. Blaine was mine, for once I had something that Sebastian didn’t. I coveted Blaine like he was a precious jewel that only I could see.
It didn’t last for long.
Sebastian started hanging out with Blaine and I regularly, ignoring me in favour of Blaine. Blaine was just happy to have a friend.
-
Every third Sunday of the month Dalton had a ‘sale’. We were given tokens for being good, doing well in our classes and performing helpful deeds for others. The tokens could be cashed in like money for little trinkets and toys.
I remember the sales; I hated them. It was always a bunch of those rude boys who hurt Blaine fighting over stupid toys I never used. I waited on the bench outside the gymnasium where the sale was going on, waiting for it to be over when Blaine walked to me.
“I didn’t see you buy anything, do you not have tokens? D’ya want some of mine?” Blaine asked. He was an awkward child, his curly hair always falling in his face, he always stuttered a bit and took forever to get to the point. Most people (like Seb) found his ramblings annoying, I just liked to hear his voice.
“No thanks, I’m just waiting for it to die down to get something,” I lied, I knew how important these sales were to the other Dalton students and I didn’t want to offend my new friend.
“Well you don’t have to worry about getting something…” Blaine started, smiling and reaching a hand into his bag,
“Coz’ I got you something, I mean I understand if you don’t like it, I didn’t listen to it and it’s old” I remember him rambling on again, but eventually I thanked him with a kiss on the cheek that left him startled but pleased. We bid goodnight and I ran to my room to play the cd he got me.
The music blared through my old cd player, they were a rare object to have now a days, the cd must have cost him all of his tokens. I was just lucky our dorm came with a player for it.
Darling, Hold me, Hold me and never, never let me go
I got lost in the thick sound of the singer’s voice filling my ears. The rhythm matching with my heart, I held my hands to my chest and closed my eyes.
Behind my eyelids I saw Blaine and I, older and dancing at a ball ,hand in hand like the princes and princesses do in those old movies they’d show us. I saw Blaine leaning in, his eyes locking on mine, lips coming closer to my face with the smallest of smiles dancing on them, leaning in and-
“The hell are you doing?” Sebastian asked, knocking me out of my fantasy.
“I, I uh..” I stammered, Seb smirked as he looked at the still playing cd player, apparently my face gave my away.
“Oh don’t tell me, Blaine got that for you?”
I nodded.
“So you like him then?” he asked
I nodded, not trusting my voice to show Seb how much I liked Blaine. Seb always had a knack for taking the things I wanted most before I could ever have them. He couldn’t have Blaine, Blaine was mine, he was perfect and Seb couldn’t have him.
“A lot?”
“Yes” I squeaked. And that did it, realization dawned upon Seb’s young face, a sad smile growing on his face, feigning empathy.
“Oh Kurtsie,” Seb started in his sing song voice, draping an arm around my shoulder.
“Let me tell you that what you’re feeling isn’t real love-“ I started to argue, to say he didn’t know how I felt,
“No wait I’m saying this because I care about you. To Blaine, you are just going to be a silly childhood game of hide and seek,” I looked at him with sad eyes, he sounded so smart, like he had been in love before, when all he really knew about love was from books or television programs.
“I, I guess you’re right” I said, sighing into Seb’s comforting arm. He always knew what to say to get me to agree with him and be happy about it at the same time.
“It’ll be okay, Kurtsie it doesn’t do well to dwell on childish fantasies”
The words he said were made up, facsimiled from an old book, Seb probably didn’t even know what his words meant, but to me they were something to live by.
Now all I have are my childhood fantasies, and the regret that I let them go so easily.