Blaine had never loved his mother more than he did at this moment. She held him all night as he sobbed and told her about Kurt. She baked him chocolate drop cookies like she always did when he was hurt (even though this was a different kind of hurt). She tucked him into bed with a glass of warm milk and a kiss on the forehead, saying she was just down the hall if he needed her. He slept restlessly and was relieved when it was finally a reasonable time for him to get up. He walked downstairs to find his mother baking him—what else—pancakes. Blaine had never thought it was a good thing that he was so predictable, but at that moment he thought it was great.

            Now he and his mom were sitting on the couch, a giant bowl of puppy chow in front of them and a Doctor Who marathon on the TV. She had called in to work that day saying that her son was “sick” and he needed her. It was almost true. He did need her, but he was heartbroken, not sick, although they felt kind of the same. He was miserable, his whole body hurt and his heart felt heavy in his chest. He was exhausted and just wanted to cry. Or throw up, he wasn’t sure. But his mother sat by him all morning, holding his hand or holding him when he started crying again.

            He was just so confused. He thought things were fine between them. Kurt never hinted at not wanting to be with him, of being (he could barely think it) ashamed of him. He thought Kurt liked that he was nerdy, or respected it at the very least. How could I have been so stupid?! Of course a boy like that wouldn’t want a boy like me. Blaine sat all morning with these thoughts swirling in his head. He didn’t know who to blame, if anyone was to blame. Maybe Kurt liked him at first, and then realized he didn’t. That’s not his fault, those things just happened.

            He barely ate the sandwich his mother made him for lunch, opting for another cup of coffee instead. Besides, he’d filled up on puppy chow; he’d barely left any for his mother. Oops. He felt a little pathetic for reacting this way—it had only been two months after all. But Blaine was devastated. He didn’t want to admit it now that they were over, but he thought that he loved Kurt. He knew he loved Kurt, actually, even though he hadn’t said it. He was glad that he hadn’t, because Kurt couldn’t take that away from him now. His heart was one piece of himself he’d gotten to keep, even if it had still been broken.

How could he have been so oblivious?

            There was a knock at the door, but Blaine didn’t move to answer it. His mother could do that. He just laid there staring up at the ceiling and listened to his mother at the door. He heard her whispering to somebody, which he thought was odd. She must have thought he’d fallen asleep. He heard the door shut and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to talk to her right now. Not again.

            “Blaine?” asked a rough, shaky voice. He thought that’s what his voice would sound like if he tried to speak right now.

            “Can I talk to you. Please?” Blaine’s eyes opened suddenly as the realization hit him—that was Kurt’s voice. Kurt. He sat up quickly and looked at him, the boy who had broken his heart for the first time. He looked terrible, too. He was pale but his eyes were red and swollen, much like Blaine thought his were. He was wearing—dear god—an old t-shirt and sweatpants, and his hair was a mess.

            “What are you doing here, Kurt?” Yep, his voice sounded just as bad as Kurt’s had. He looked over at his mother, who looked at him nervously. He nodded, signaling that he would be okay and she walked into the kitchen.

“Can we go to your room to talk?” Kurt asked. Blaine had never heard him sound so unsure of himself. This was Kurt. He was strong and beautiful and nothing ever got to him. If it did, he never showed it, but he was showing it now and that scared Blaine a little bit. This was probably the only reason he agreed.

            “Uh, sure. Let’s go.” He led Kurt silently to his bedroom, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. He felt himself shaking, but not enough to be seen. He almost didn’t want to hear what Kurt had to say. Sure he looked a mess, but that didn’t mean anything good was going to happen. He heard Kurt breathing loudly behind him, sniffling, even the occasional whimper. He walked into his room and, after Kurt passed, shut the door behind him. He crawled to the head of his bed and crossed his legs, staring at Kurt as he came and sat at the foot. Kurt opened and closed his mouth a few times before he finally spoke.

            “I’m so sorry, Blaine. I don’t know what happened yesterday.” Kurt started sobbing, and Blaine felt a few tears on his cheeks as well.Disloyal bastards. He let Kurt cry at the end of his bed but refused to comfort him because this was his doing, dammit. He sat silently against the headboard, his arms crossed in front of him staring at Kurt, silently begging for this to turn out okay.

            “You asked me if I’m ashamed of you and I didn’t know what to say.” Kurt could barely get the words out through his sobs. Blaine hated hearing the pain in his voice. “I’m not ashamed of you, Blaine, I’m not!” Blaine stiffened.

            “You’re not?” he choked. “Then why didn’t you say anything?” Kurt dropped his head at the anger in Blaine’s voice.

            “I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to answer it because I didn’t know what would make you think that. How could you think I was ashamed of you, Blaine? How? What did I do to make you think that was even possible?”

            “We talked about this yesterday. You said you don’t want people to know we’re together. Why would you say that if you weren’t ashamed of me? I know I’m not cool, Kurt. I’m a nerd. I’m two grades ahead in math and, before you came along, I spent all of my time alone in my bedroom. You said I wouldn’t survive in the real world.”

            “I’m sorry. I just worry about you. You do live in a bit of a different world than the rest of us and that makes me so happy and I love that so much because the world is crap and you can escape it. But, Blaine, this isn’t World of Warcraft. If you get defeated you don’t get to try again. People might hate you and there’s nothing you could do to change that. If they hurt you it actually hurts. Actual physical pain. You can’t just turn it off when you don’t want to play anymore. This is a huge decision and it will affect your entire life, or at least the next two years of it. I don’t want you to think it will be all handholding and rainbows when it could actually be putting you in danger.”

            Blaine sat staring at Kurt, not even trying to hide the tears. He was still trying to protect him. Like an idiot. But he wasn’t sure what to think now. Kurt had a point, this was a big decision. And maybe it wouldn’t be what he thought, maybe it would be harder. Maybe he couldn’t take people hating him. Online it was easy because it was anonymous and it wasn’t real. But sometimes he’d get upset for days if somebody online said something mean. How would he react if it was real? But he can’t hide for the rest of his life, either, and he doesn’t want to. He knew he’d be judged everywhere he went for the rest of his life, why keep putting it off? Why not get the experience now. Why not have the little happy things, like Kurt’s hand in his as they walk proudly down the hallway together.

            “So this has nothing to do with your reputation?” Blaine asked. Kurt could be lying. He’d had a whole day to think.

            “I don’t care about my reputation!” Kurt paused a moment to regain his composure before looking Blaine in the eyes. “I guess I’m just being selfish. I thought that if you came out and people were mean to you you’d start to resent me. I’m so scared of losing you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t want the Neanderthals at our school taking that away from me, too.” Blaine’s heart was breaking at the sight of Kurt’s tears. Kurt had always been the strong one, always comforting Blaine when he needed it. Blaine had never seen him cry like this and he never wanted to see it again.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine. I thought I was protecting you. I thought I was protecting me. Us. I’ve never had a boyfriend before, I don’t know what I’m doing. I guess I was just holding on so tight because I thought if things changed you’d start to hate me and then break up with me and I didn’t want that.”

            “Then why did you break up with me yesterday? If you didn’t want that?”

            “What?” Kurt shrieked. His eyes were wide and the only thing on his tear-stained face was a look of pure confusion. “I never broke up with you, Blaine. Oh god! Is that what you thought?” Kurt started sobbing all over again and buried his head in his hands. He may have been whispering “I’m so sorry,” but Blaine couldn’t be sure. He hated this. Kurt was beautiful and happy and right now he just looked…tortured.

            “So you didn’t break up with me?” Kurt shook his head. “So we’re not broken up?”

            “Not if you don’t want to be,” Kurt whispered to his knees.

“Of course I don’t want to be.” Kurt looked up at him then and wiped the tears from his face. Blaine was relieved to see a hint of a smile on his lips, and an ever-growing sparkle in his eyes. Blaine smiled then, too, and wiped his tears. He reached for Kurt and pulled him next to him, laying them down on the pillows. He laid his head on Kurt’s chest and wrapped his arms around him, smiling as he felt Kurt do the same.

            “Are we okay?” he asked.

            “I think so. Do you?” Kurt asked as he ran his fingers through Blaine’s hair.

            “Yes.” They laid silently for a few minutes. He had quickly fallen in love with the way Kurt played with his hair, and wondered why he had ever been against it in the first place. 

            “Blaine?” Kurt finally asked.

            “Hmm?” Blaine replied sleepily.

            “If you want to come out at school, I’m not going to stop you. I’d be proud to hold your hand in the hallways.”

            “Really?”

            “Of course. You just have to promise you won’t resent me if it doesn’t go well.”

            “I promise,” Blaine said, smiling into Kurt’s chest.

            “I love you, Blaine.” Blaine froze.

            “You do?”

            “Yes. I know we’ve only been together for like two months and that’s probably way too soon to be saying it but I do, Blaine. I love you. It’s okay if you don’t say it back, I know…” Blaine cut him off with a kiss, unable to listen to the panic in his voice any longer.

            “I love you too, Kurt.”