September 7

Dear Friend,

I’ve been sitting in my room all morning trying to figure out which pictures to show Dr. Pillsbury on Monday. I’m supposed to show her seven pictures, one for each day, but so far I’ve only been able to find one that I think would interest her – a picture of a pamphlet Santana found in Kurt’s room. Dr. Pillsbury has pamphlets all over her office, but I haven’t seen one like this yet.

“Safe Sex Can be Fun!” Santana had announced gleefully when she pulled out the pamphlet from the bookshelf.

We were waiting for Kurt to get ready for a party that Sugar was throwing at her house and I was looking at the pictures in my camera while Santana was poking around in Kurt’s things.

Kurt spared her a quick glance, side-eyeing the pamphlet in her hand. “Carol gave that to me during junior year. One of her many attempts at misguided bonding.”

“Wanky,” Santana commented, her eyes still on the pamphlet. She moved to the bed and lay down on her back with her head next to mine. I was sitting on the floor because I hadn’t wanted to mess up Kurt’s sheets but Santana didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

“Do you know where babies come from Blaine?” she asked me.

I nodded even though I knew she was mocking me. My dad never talked to me about sex. My brother offered once, but I had already found out all I needed to know from the internet.� He had been disappointed because he had been planning a fieldtrip to a strip club. I had to remind him that I was 13 at the time and wouldn’t have been allowed inside.

Santana rolled over so that she was lying on her stomach, facing me. She spread out the pamphlet on the bed and I took a picture of it.

“You know, we never did ask. Are you straight, gay or equal opportunity?”

I gave a quiet chuckle. “I’m definitely gay.”

“My gaydar is better than yours, Hummel!” she said in triumph. Kurt who at that point was busy rooting around in his closet didn’t dignify her with a response. Santana turned back to me and asked, “But you’ve never had sex, right?”

Blushing, I shook my head.

“Then I think it’s quite time for a little refresher, my dear,” she said with an awful British accent. It made me think of Mary Poppins and the idea of Mary Poppins giving me a sex talk made me very uncomfortable.

“Or maybe we should just get Kurt to give you some practical tips?” She winked at me, grinning widely.

There are times when I’m around Santana that I wish the ground would open me up and swallow me whole. Last night was one of those times. I was thankful that Kurt was too preoccupied looking through his closet to listen to her. It annoyed her though since she doesn’t like being ignored.

“You didn’t tell her that the pamphlet’s too little, too late, Kurt, considering you already had your cute little ass cherry popped by then.” she said loudly.

That made Kurt stop whatever he was dong to glare at Santana. “Jesus, Santana, you don’t have to tell the whole world. Finn’s downstairs.”

“Do you really think your idiot step-brother doesn’t know you’ve had sex with half the gay population of Lima?”

“If that was true, I’d only have slept with two people total. Try widening your circle a little bit.”

“Ohio then.”

“That’s better,” Kurt said smiling, a proud tilt to his chin.

“It’s a sad world we live in where you’re getting more ass than I am.” She had gotten off the bed and was sitting on Kurt’s desk where she was adding doodles and captions to the pamphlet. “Between the two of us we’ve got enough daddy issues to start a cabaret.”

Kurt’s gaze landed on a picture on his night stand and his smile turned sad for a moment.

I snapped a picture of him then. “Did you love all of them?” I asked.

“No, Blaine. I didn’t love all of them.” He gave me a strange look, before ducking out of sight again.

“I bet you he didn’t even know some of their names,” Santana added.

It made me sad thinking about Kurt sleeping with faceless men who didn’t love him.

I think Santana noticed because she sat down next to me on the floor and grabbed my hand to draw on it. “Trust me, it’s better without feelings.”

She drew a boy with hearts in his eyes on the back of my hand.

“How do you know?”

“Because unlike you, I’m not a little gay virgin.” Santana started laughing so hard her breath was coming out in short gasps, “Oh my God, you are literally a little gay virgin.”

I took three pictures of her in quick succession. If I could I would show you that picture because I have never seen Santana as unguarded as when she laughs.

“Are you going to be doing that all the time now?” she asked, batting away the camera.

“Probably.”

“Your doctor’s a quack,” she said.

I smiled, not because of what she called Dr. Pillsbury, but because she hadn’t tried to delete the picture or tell me that I couldn’t take a picture anymore.

Kurt was still looking for something in his closet so I started taking pictures of things in his room. The pamphlet with Santana’s additions, the ampersand on his bookshelf, a tiny gilded cage that was hanging from his mirror, a picture of Kurt’s dad on his bedside table.

It was the picture that made me stop my exploration of Kurt’s room. His dad was teaching Kurt to ride a green bicycle with pink streamers on the handles. It was so unlike my own childhood bike that I couldn’t stop staring at it and wishing that I had been able to meet Kurt’s dad. I am hoping that he would have liked me, because I am certain that I would have liked him.

“Found it!” Kurt exclaimed. He emerged from his closet with a jacket draped over his arm which I figured that was what he was looking for in there.

“About damn time.” Santana said, marching out the door.

I followed both of them out, but I couldn’t help looking back one last time at the picture.

Do you think about how life could have been different if only one thing had changed? In movies they always show that things could have been worse if you wished for a different life, but have you ever wondered if maybe things could have been better?

I do. All the time.

And right now, I can’t imagine a world that could be made worse with a dad who teaches his son to ride a green bike with pink streamers.

My dad is calling me down for lunch. I need to end my later now, but I promise to tell you about the party later.

Love always,

Blaine

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