- The Next Day -

Blaine was gone, gone for good, and Kurt couldn't blame him.

"Kurt, I want you so much, and I even thought of doing this with you. Really considered it. But I can't. It would just hurt too much…. I really, really care about you too, Kurt. But this just isn't right for me. I can't do it." Blaine's words rang again and again in Kurt's head.

How could he argue with that? Blaine confessed to wanting him, caring about him, but wasn’t willing to get involved with Kurt again.

Kurt thought about it, going over every moment they had had together, right from the first moment Blaine had come in to read to him to their last night. Every word, every look, every touch. Berated himself for every opportunity he didn’t take. All the times he could have shown how much he cared.

He thought, long and hard, about why Blaine didn’t want to be with him. Maybe the romantic feelings were gone, and he only cared for him as a friend. There was sexual attraction there too, but that didn’t mean there were deeper feelings behind them. And Blaine didn’t want to be friends with benefits.

Maybe he didn’t want to get involved with Kurt because of his high profile job. There had been awkward conversations around being photographed together, and Kurt sensed it wasn’t something Blaine really liked. At best, he tolerated it. It was a nice change from being with someone who liked Kurt for his fame, but going to events and being in the media was just a part of Kurt’s life. His partner would have to accept it too.

Kurt tried to think if there were friends or family influences that would be discouraging Blaine from being involved with Kurt. But he’d gotten along well with Sam and from what Blaine had said about his family, he didn’t think they would object to anything. All his friends and Carole liked Blaine. No one treated him bad or made him feel unwelcome.

They had lived together for about two months, and gotten along so well. Sharing cooking and cleaning duties. Taking turns picking what movie to watch and talking about everything. The sex had been great.

But Kurt wasn’t totally blind to how things were before Blaine moved out. They were doing great until Kurt started working in the theatre. Bringing up the calendar on his phone, he reviewed the hours he worked every day until the day Blaine moved out. Saw in black and white that he was hardly home for meals, hardly home at all. And he’d asked Blaine to move back in after Carole left, selfishly wanting him there, only to drop him like a toddler getting a new toy. How had Blaine felt, to be suddenly abandoned like that?

Kurt cringed when he thought back to the nights when he came home earlier, sharing a rare meal together and probably boring Blaine with all his talk about the show. And the whole time, Blaine was just an incredible, selfless supporter of his work. Pushing him to go to the theatre on his own, pushing him to get used to using the voice app with everyone. Coming by the theatre so they could have a quick lunch together. Had he even asked Blaine once about his work, his life during that time? Ever apologized for being away so much?

No wonder Blaine had no interest in coming back to a relationship with Kurt. What guarantee did he have that it wouldn’t be like that again? It wasn’t fair to be in a relationship when Blaine gave 90% and Kurt only gave 10% back. Kurt wouldn’t want to have a partner like that either.

He was selfish. He was self-centered.

Was it the success and awards going to his head? Had he started believing everything the press and fans said about him, thinking he was so special that someone was just lucky to be with him? Should put up with his bad behavior and count it as the price of admission to be his partner?

Kurt just shook his head. He’d been around enough successful people to know whom he admired and who disgusted him. He had always tried to be real with everyone he worked with, generous and trying to help them be their best. He was not a diva, demanding special treatment at the theatre, even before the accident, at his height.

The talks he’d had with Carole in the summer came to mind. Her warnings about balancing his work with the rest of his life. And here it was…. The result of not doing it was that he had lost Blaine forever.

----

- The Next Few Weeks - 

Kurt got up, ate, went to work, tried to act normal. He got through each day. But they felt dull and long. Nate noticed, giving him concerned looks, and nodding in understanding when Kurt had explained that things with Blaine hadn’t worked out.

Clapping a hand on Kurt’s shoulder, Nate’s warm eyes held his. “Well, in a few weeks, you will be flying to Dubai for Christmas. I want you to rest, relax, and think about what you want in the new year. Maybe there is a project we could develop together.”

Nodding, he gave his friend a hug. He had been incredibly generous to change the schedule to allow for Kurt to have the two weeks off.

“Kurt, I know you are going through a horrible time right now. But your hurt is trying to teach you something. Learn the lesson, so this doesn’t happen the next time you meet someone incredible.” Nate said softly, his eyes full of caring for Kurt. For a man who had such success in his professional life, Nate wanted him to be equally happy in his personal life.

---

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

Kurt gave a little smile as he made the quote he’d found on the internet into his phone’s wallpaper. There. Now he’d see it several times a day. Again and again until it was ingrained into his mind.

This was something Nate, Isabelle and Carole had talked to him about, several times. Something he had faced every time a relationship ended. He had been doing the same thing, over and over again. But it was ending now.

---

- Late November -

“OK, so if you feel comfortable with everything, we will need you to sign the consent forms.” The doctor handed a pen to Kurt, and sat back in her chair.

Kurt read over the forms, and signed at the bottom. Her explanations had been clear, and he knew the risks.

“What do you think the chances of success are?” Kurt typed, wanting to have realistic expectations.

She nodded. “Well, there is severe damage to your vocal cords, but I think I will be able to correct some of it. There is a small chance you will regain enough ability to be able to speak clearly at a normal volume. But it is more likely you may gain back some ability, but not much volume.” She shrugged. “I’m afraid singing is very unlikely.”

It was the same as what she had said on the initial visit, back when he had come with Carole in the summer. But with nothing to lose, and the possibility of gaining back any of his voice; Kurt hadn’t hesitated in scheduling the surgery back then. The months had passed quickly, and it had almost been a surprise when he had the reminder call to come in for the pre-surgery check-up.

She reviewed his pre-surgery prep and the aftercare. It wasn’t a very invasive procedure, mostly small amounts of laser and the tiniest of cuts.

“Do you have someone to take you home and be with you the first night?” The doctor put the paperwork into his file.

Kurt nodded. “Yes, my friend Hannah, who is a nurse.”

The doctor stood, shaking his hand before she led him back out of the office. “See you tomorrow, on the operating table.”

----

- After Christmas - 

Kurt sighed as he opened the apartment door and lugged his suitcase inside. Boxes were still everywhere, and it was hard to turn around in places. He really should have sorted it all out before he went to Dubai for Christmas, but he just didn’t have the energy. Back then, he barely had the energy to get up and showered for work everyday. He had just unpacked the essentials and moved the rest of the boxes against the walls to deal with later.

Dubai had been a great getaway, a fascinating place to spend a couple relaxing weeks. They had been to mosques and historical sites. Shopped in modern malls and ancient souqs. Seen the view from the top of the world's tallest building. Eaten in amazing restaurants featuring cuisine from around the world. Spent a day in the desert and watched belly dancing as the sun set. They had both been eager to see and experience as much of the local culture as they could.

Their hotel was elegant and decorated with Moroccan lamps and accessories everywhere. They had gotten into the habit of going for a long swim in the pool in the morning before having a leisurely breakfast and planning their day. After a long busy day, they were usually back at the hotel at a reasonable hour.

Carole had been great company, and they talked lots. She was so pleased he had gotten back into theatre in the associate director role, and could see how his eyes glowed when he talked about it. He still nagged her to move to New York, and she put him off by saying she was considering it. When she had asked about Blaine, he had said they were only friends now.

Even though he was with Carole so much, he had a lot of quiet time to himself. Things had been so busy the last few weeks before his trip; he hadn't really had time to process all that had happened. But during this trip, he had time to think it all through.

---

- Early January - 

“Welcome to Broadway Beat, Kurt Hummel.” The tall, leggy blonde said into the radio microphone.

Kurt typed fast on his tablet. “It’s great to be back, Elise.”

She gave him an easy smile to try to help him relax. It had taken a lot of convincing for him to do a live interview, using his tablet. “Now, I’m just going to take a minute to make sure our listeners are up to date with your story. We were all surprised and amazed when we heard that you had come out of your yearlong coma in the spring. It looks like you have recovered fully, except for your vocal cords.”

Nodding, Kurt typed. “Yes, I am fortunate that I wasn’t more seriously injured.”

“Our listeners can’t see it, but you are using a computer tablet to speak. There’s a slight delay in your conversation, but I must say your voice from the tablet sounds like your old voice. It’s really remarkable.” Elise had been doing this radio program for over a decade, and had interviewed Kurt many times in the past.

Kurt gave her a grateful look. It was always good to hear that. “I’d like to give the credit for that to my friend Sam Evans. He was able to sample words from recorded interviews I’ve done over the years and load them into a voice app. He did a great job of it.”

“How did it feel to wake up from the coma and realize you had lost not only your voice, but your profession?” Elise asked, her eyes kind. She had a way of making her guests relax and speak from the heart, always more of a conversation with a friend than an interview.

Sighing, Kurt thought for a moment before answering. “It was a shock, but I was dealing with recovering from the coma as well. Relearning how to walk and feed myself. I just took it day by day, and had incredible support from health care staff and friends.”

Taking a sip of her coffee, Elise gave him an encouraging smile to assure him that he was doing well. “You went from being in a coma to being a part of Broadway’s biggest new shows, Red Star. It has been quite a year for you!”

“As you said before, with losing my voice, I wasn’t sure what career I should pursue next. I wasn’t even thinking I would have a place in theatre anymore.” Kurt replied.

“You have worked with Nate Robinson in the past though. How different was it being his associate director instead of his star?”

Kurt thought about it. “Well, being one of the directors is about bringing out the best in the performers and crew, making sure all the pieces are fitting together into one cohesive whole that fits Nate’s vision. It’s a different view of the production, being on the outside instead of from the center of the stage. But I’ve been in enough shows over the years to contribute in this new way.”

She gave him a nod. “I had Nate on the show a couple weeks ago, and he was singing your praises. He said your ideas for the show are what made it the big success it is today, and that he is pushing you to develop another project with him.”

“Oh, he’s being far too kind.” Kurt was blushing, much to Elise’s amusement.

“Can you give us any hint to this new project?” Her eyes were full of genuine curiosity.

Kurt bit his lip, dropping his gaze down to the tablet. It took a bit of time to type out his answer. “I’m only in the beginning phase of developing the idea, but it will be about love. The stages of love.” It was something he had been thinking about so much in the last month.

“Oh really? How do you mean?”

Taking a sip of his coffee, Kurt’s gaze met her’s, and he felt laid bare before her, his pain still so recent and fresh. Like his defenses were stripped away. She put a hand on his arm in comfort. “Love, attraction…I think that the feelings build over time, in a way we almost can’t control. In the beginning, it’s the infatuation, when you find them attractive and feel interested in getting to know them more. And then it builds to sexually wanting them, wanting more, being intimate. And then, you realize you love them.”

“But it doesn’t always go that far.” Elise laughed, trying to lighten Kurt's mood. “So many times, I’ve been attracted to someone and it dies when I’ve gotten to know them a little better.”

Kurt nodded. “Yes. That’s what makes love so special when you have it. It’s rare and beautiful.”

Elise squeezed his arm and released it. “I like the idea and it will be interesting to see what you do with it. The phases of love.”

He gave her a closed-lipped smile. “I think of it as Infatuation, when you can’t keep your eyes off of them. Lust, when you can’t keep your hands off of them….”

“And love? When you can’t what? Can’t keep from sending them hallmark greeting cards?” Elise joked back.

He shook his head, giving her a small rueful smile. “And Love, when you can’t keep your thoughts off of them. They are there, with you, all the time.”

Elise’s eyes were taking in his sad expression, and Kurt was glad that the voice app was neutral in its tone. “But what if that love isn’t returned?”

Kurt shrugged a shoulder and typed. “You can’t just turn those thoughts and feelings off, unfortunately. That person will always have a piece of your heart.”

She nodded at him, and then switched back to her professional voice. “Well, it has been so interesting talking with you today, Kurt. I encourage our listeners to check out Red Star, as it is appearing on many of the ‘Best of’ lists for the year and I wouldn’t be surprised if we hear about it more during award season.”

“Thanks for having me on here, Elise. Happy New Year.”

---

-Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: A lot happens in this chapter & just to make it a bit clearer...

1) When Carole visited NYC in the summer, she mentioned to Blaine that she & Kurt were planning to meet up in Dubai for X-mas, since it's 1/2 way between NYC & Thailand. The trip is set for Dec 12-26th. The incredible 5 star hotel they stay at was inspired by 14th century Arab explorer, Ibn Battuta, and the great hall has 88 giant moroccan lanterns and it's about $200 US a night. I want to go!! Clink link to look at the pics!

2) Not mentioned before was that during her visit, she took him to some medical appointments, including a laryngologist (voice dr), and they scheduled the surgery for late November. Kurt didn't tell anyone as there's only a tiny chance it will improve anything.