Ambivalence

Kurt tugged the thin piece of thread between his teeth tearing it in half behind the tight knot that fit snugly next to the navy fabric that clung to Blaine’s body. He took a step back and evaluated his creation which ended up being more of a checking out experience of the model more than actually looking at his fabric. But he couldn’t help it, damn it, Blaine seemed to fill out the suit so well, it’s something about the blazer. How the clothing defined his very well mannered chest and toned shoulders. It wasn’t too much; it wasn’t too little, his body type was just, well… right. Kurt’s cheeks flushed as he tried to push the thoughts out of his head, even the thought of remotely being interested in Blaine felt like incest to him. But seriously, is he even allowed to have that delicious about of chest hair curl over the thin V-neck and collar bones that poked out under the blazer?

“So what’s your secret?” Kurt cleared his throat ignoring the squeak that flew out of his mouth. He should legitimately invest in some sort of sensor from further embarrassment.

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows and hesitated when he was unbuttoning the blazer, Kurt reassuringly nodded then Blaine unbuttoned the blazer and stripped off the fabric, “What do you mean?” The V-neck defined his pecks and nicely clung onto him, the color going well with Blaine’s tanned skin.

Hot damn, Kurt thought, trying to chuckle away what he thought was awkwardness when in reality, it was all him. “For looking like that, I find it hard to think your diet of Captin’ Crunch and pasta made you turn out to be a perfect model”. Now he really wanted a sensor.

Blaine laughed and lifted his shirt poking at a smooth bump on his hill of abs then looked at Kurt lowering his shirt, “I’m a perfect model?” he asked sarcastically. He then saluted in the air as if to thank Captain’ Crunch. He would do that. Kurt giggled and shook his head gathering some extra scraps of fabric that cluttered the floor into a small pile.

“If you need to change, we have an extra room through that door, I guess it’s your room now, assistant,” Kurt pointed halfheartedly in the room’s direction and continued clearing his workspace. Blaine lightly smiled and nodded then grabbed his suitcase he brought in earlier into the room.

Kurt broke his attention to the hangers of clothes putting them in color coordinated order and humming softly to himself. He mentally noted that with the different blazers he made, he could use the same pants with different belts to each one counting as separate outfits. Problem solved. Done. He smiled to himself and hung the last blazer on a hanger and hooked it on a rail with the others. Blaine walked into the room, smoothed his curls back with his hand and walked next to Kurt who was carefully choosing which belt would go best with the blazer that was covered in stripes of red.

The designer didn’t know what was going on with him. It was such a simple choice yet his brain was spinning violently when he felt Blaine wrap his arms around his waist, “Thank you so much” the man whispered. Such a plain gesture shouldn’t make Kurt feel this way. Feeling protected, comfortable, and, he hated to say it, cared for. But in this moment of stress and confusion, a little hug wouldn’t bother anyone, right?

“For what?” Kurt asked breathlessly.

He could feel Blaine drop his head on his shoulder, “For everything”.

Kurt felt a rush of coldness as Blaine backed away and settled on the couch. Kurt took a deep breath. These can’t be real feelings. He’s just lonely and it’s a nice change to have a sexy male model in his room, okay? Kurt sighed plucking out a black belt and matching it with the red striped blazer on the hanger then stepped back looking at his collection. Perfect. You know, it really didn’t help when Blaine was watching Kurt closely through all of this. Okay, Kurt, stop it. Blaine Anderson is still the little kid from Dalton Academy. Some abs doesn’t change that… ugh, but those abs! Kurt thought shaking his head and purposely walked into the kitchen to avoid the fuckable man sitting on the couch. God, Kurt, fuckable? He widened his eyes immediately pushing away the ‘what if’s’ that almost started floating around in his head.

“I need some girl time,” he said to himself pulling a water bottle out of the fridge.

“What was that?” Blaine called from the living room.

Kurt screwed his eyes shut, “Nothing,” he said almost too quickly.

Quinn opened the door of the bathroom and stepped out brushing her fingers through her short blonde hair. “Kurt! Good news, the models just called me to cancel the session! I mean, they’re coming tomorrow but now you may have more time to work on the collection,” she smiled raising her purse higher on her shoulder.

Kurt sighed in relief and grabbed the assistant into a hug, “Yay!” he pulled back and giggled to himself. “I honestly think the collection could use one more dress”.

Quinn shook her head and gripped his arm pushing his eyes towards the collection, “It’s perfect”.

Kurt smiled and squeezed one of her hands. Blaine hummed standing from the couch, “All of this good news is making me hungry!” he rubbed his stomach and looked at the two, “Anyone want dinner? My treat”.

Kurt shook his head and pulled his wallet out of his pocket, “No, no, I’m paying”.

Blaine gaped at him then crossed his arms, “You wanna bet?”

Kurt cheekily smiled at him, “Yes, I do,” he wiggled out of Quinn’s grip and ran his fingers along his wallet.

Blaine stepped closer putting as much energy as he could to pull of the ‘bitch stare’,“Well, you’re not going to win,” he said poking a finger sharply in Kurt’s chest and knocked the wallet out of Kurt’s hands.

“Try and stop me,” Kurt bent down picking up the wallet that landed on the floor and pushing Blaine once he straightened.

The other man grumbled and ruffled Kurt’s hair with both of his hands. Kurt shouted in aggravation and frantically thread his fingers through Blaine’s gelled hair. “Stop it!” Blaine laughed, his curls loosely falling on his forehead, then reached over tickling Kurt’s sides sending a fit of giggles out of the other man. Kurt chuckled tugging on Blaine’s clothing struggling to keep balance and stifle his laughter through the tickles. Kurt stumbled into the other man’s arms as Blaine grinned and carefully set him on his two feet.

“As much as I love seeing you guys flirt, my stomach is about to eat itself,” Kurt backed away from Blaine with heat creeping up to his cheeks bearing his eyes into the floor. “Kurt, go get dressed,” Quinn ordered as she shook her head searching for her phone then staring at the screen in amusement.

Okay, Kurt, pull yourself together, he thought staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. There was a light hum of music in the background of the restaurant that seemed to pull his attention from the mixed feelings that he was going through. You’re making this a big deal. Kurt rubbed soap in his hands and ran them through the cool water, “You’re making what a big deal?”

Kurt shot up his head and looked at Blaine through the mirror, “Uh, nothing,” he mumbled.

Blaine stood diagonal to Kurt still looking at him through the mirror, “It seems to be something. You’ve been acting weird all dinner and you’re shaking like a leaf”.

Kurt dropped his head then turn the nozzle of the sink off and dried his hands on a paper towel landing it in a nearby trashcan then looked at the non-reflected man, “I’m just upset this restaurant doesn’t carry Shirley Temples”.

“You hate Shirley Temples,” Kurt blinked at the man. He was right, Shirley Temples were fattening and sugary, he’d actually prefer the Diet Coke he ordered. Blaine stepped closer to him, his eyes in worry when he saw Kurt begin to shake. He shouldn’t get turned on in a bathroom of a fancy restaurant but seriously, damn. Blaine just really knew the right way to wear a blazer, okay? “What’s going on?”

Kurt gulped; he needed an excuse, a good one, and fast, “I’m just really nervous for the fashion show”.

Blaine looked at him closely, his face turning into a bright smile, his eyes creasing in the most attractive ways; Fuck you, “That’s it? Kurt, you’re amazing at what you do, don’t you worry”.

Kurt’s shoulders relaxed slightly. It wasn’t exactly a lie but it wasn’t exactly the truth either. He gave Blaine a final smile and left the bathroom dodging tables until he reached their booth and sat next to Quinn. Blaine returned a short while after and settled across from the two. They finished their meals with light chatter here and there but it was mostly a quiet dinner. Quinn jumped slightly when her phone buzzed in her pocket, “Shit, what’s the time?”

“I dunno, 6?” Kurt said between chews then set down his fork to watch Quinn fishing out her phone to check it.

“So sorry, I’ve got a business meeting but I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?” the assistant wiped her mouth with a napkin and slung her purse over her shoulder quickly racing out of the restaurant.

“Bye,” Blaine said quietly though Quinn was clearly out of earshot. Kurt giggled at that then picked up his fork and continued picking at his meal. “You’re quiet”.
Kurt sighed and patted his mouth with a napkin, “I’m just a bit tired”.

“I don’t blame you, you worked hard on those designs today,” he smiled staring at his plate and picking at the food.

“With the help of my new male model and assistant, I honestly wouldn’t be able to finish if you hadn’t showed up”.

“It was my pleasure, I honestly can’t thank you enough, I mean, you’re giving me a place to stay and a job. It seems unfair to you,” Blaine frowned and rubbed his eyes before shoving a piece of fruit in his mouth.

“Come on, Blaine, you helped me and supported me through the years I was severely bullied, consider it a way for me to thank you back”.

“Hm, it’s been a while,” Blaine said taking a sip of water.

“Tell me about it. But, we’re catching up, right?”

Blaine hummed in response then set down his fork and knife then rested his elbows on the table staring at the flickering candle in the middle of the table as the lights in the restaurant dimmed. Kurt looked at Blaine, who has his chin propped under his fist and was peacefully staring the candle. “What’s so interesting about the candle?”

Blaine glanced at Kurt before returning his eyes to the candle, “I don’t know, it’s just a wonderful thing. It can symbolize so many things, light, heat, energy, romance,” he paused before continuing, “It’s not just a flame of fire and it’s not just a stick of wax embedded with wick. It’s… so much more”.

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked setting down his fork and placing his hands on his lap.

“Some people use candles to tell time, some for illumination, and some for heat. It’s not only useful, it’s beautiful. I think of it like art. How a slight change of the wind could change the angle of the flame and the light the room turns either brighter or dimmer. I know this is nonsense but, it’s sort of fascinating.”

Kurt never thought of it like that. Candles were usually just a piece of decoration. He thought they were nice looking but he never really looked closely at such a simple creation. He guessed it was sort of interesting in a way, he just never paid attention. Maybe he should start.

7 years earlier:

“I’m really lucky to have you as a friend, I’m going to miss you when I leave in a week” Blaine lifted his head to look at the other boy. Kurt’s flushed cheeks over his flawless skin, his eyes burning with emotion. This man could be the definition of beautiful. His singing voice could set anyone to tears, his creative imagination could write a book, talent seeped through every pore. Kurt was probably the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio. His dreams were as far as the Sun yet he would never give up. He was an inspiration that Blaine couldn’t live without. He needed a dreamer to balance out his realism, without Kurt, Blaine mind as well go straight into the family business. No, Blaine wouldn’t settle for ‘easy’ he would fight for his dream with Kurt by his side, he needed Kurt.

“I have to tell you something,” Blaine said inching closer to the other boy. A phone sounded from the other boys pocket, Kurt jerked his head to the noise then pulled the device in his hand, read the message, giggled, then quickly sent a text back.

“Okay, Blaine, what did you need to say?” Kurt smiled encouragingly.

Blaine bit his lip then shook his head; he needs to just tell him. What’s the worst that could happen? He knows that they would be friends no matter what, so what’s holding him back? “Okay, I wanted to tell you all year, but I never found the right… time,” he took a deep breath and watched Kurt’s bright blue eyes closely. He wanted this. “I just wanted you to know that I-,”

The phone sounded in Kurt’s pocket once again. He lifted the phone to his ear then held up a finger mouthing, “One second,” then giggled into the phone, “Robbie stop texting me, you know I need time with my friends… No, I’m not just going to leave-, Robbie!” Kurt’s cheeks flushed. Blaine’s eyes rimmed in tears. He was furious. Why shouldn’t he be? He’s tried to tell him so many times but it’s always the same. His damn boyfriends always interrupting. He bit his lip angrily and jerked his backpack on one shoulder and stormed out of the room. So that was it? Would he forever be in the friend zone?

Tears toppled onto his cheeks as he ran down the hallway, his love slipping from his fingertips. He had one week. Kurt will have his old friends and life and dreams by then. Blaine won’t be able to fit in his busy fabulous life. Kurt raced out of the room behind him, “Blaine!” He heard the drop of the phone and footsteps chasing behind him.

“What?” Blaine cried turning around and flinging his backpack on the ground in fury.

“I’m sorry about Robbie, I jus-,”

“You just what? You just couldn’t wait one fucking minute for me to speak?” Blaine sobbed.

“We spent all afternoon together,” Kurt whispered in confusion.

“It’s not enough, Kurt, one afternoon a month is never enough. Why can’t you see that?”

Kurt bit his lip in thought, “I- I didn’t know, I could cancel my dates with Robbie, just- I can’t lose you as a friend, Blaine”.

“We’re friends?” Blaine asked mono-toned keeping his stance strong yet letting guilty tears slip from his eyes. He’s going to screw this up, isn’t he?

Kurt gaped at him then shook his head, “Oh my God,” he whispered then turned around heading back up the stairs.

“No, Kurt, I didn’t mean it, I was upset! Please! Kurt! I lo-,” Blaine cut off the sentence once he saw the other boy disappear at the top of the steps. He dropped his head and sobbed into his hands shaking with each breath then kicked his backpack and stormed out of the building.

Arguments between them would end up like that for months until Kurt finally broke up with his boyfriend for reasons he wouldn’t say. As their friendship always did, Blaine and Kurt quickly made up for the fights and continued their long awaited commitment to their friendship. Blaine never told Kurt how he felt about him. He never really found the right time or place. Scratch that, he didn’t want to find the right moment to tell him. During Kurt’s final year of High School, Blaine and Kurt would have coffee, work on homework together, and spend their afternoons staring up at the moon and stars making dreams that felt closer than ever. Blaine would comment on Kurt’s designs whenever he would show him but never made Blaine play ‘model’. Because they went to different schools, they talked less but of course still felt their strong friendship. Almost as if they were on pause.

After High School, they would casually talk from once a month, to once every two, then to once in a blue moon. They were so close at one point but with Kurt’s busy schedule, their friendship turned almost nonexistent. Kurt knew it was but for some reason it felt easier to not talk at all then to pick up all of the missing pieces. Their communications were spaced so far apart that at times, they would seem completely different and become harder to talk to. Of course, until they bump into each other at Kurt’s apartment, that’s when they both realize that it’s quite easy to pick up the pieces of a friendship that rarely held grudges but still had its fair share of drama. Blaine tried to forget about his feelings once months passed and he never got a word from Kurt. Maybe he needed space, maybe he was busy, maybe he forgot. It didn’t matter, though, because Blaine moved on to his new job and that was his new priority. It only took a measly printed newspaper to have the feelings rush back. Almost as if his heart all of a sudden decided to press play. He regretted the long time avoided feeling but as he looked back on quitting his hated job and leaving his miserable time. He took a moment to thank his little heart. Maybe Blaine’s feelings are okay after all.

The door knob jiggled a bit before a key turned it unlocked and opened Kurt into the room. Blaine stared at the bags Kurt carried in each hand as he struggled to close the door with his foot in fear of dropping the bags. Kurt looked up at the confused Blaine and grinned. “What’s that?” Blaine asked in a chuckle, it was silly seeing Kurt race to the door that lead to the balcony while having clearly heavy bags swaying at his sides. Kurt did sort of a jiggle trying to slide open the door with his feet. Blaine made his way to Kurt then plucked an obvious lighter that showed through the plastic bags. Kurt then settled the bags on the wooden floors just in front of the balcony door that showed a dark sky with evident blue clouds in long strips coloring the sky, stars just beginning to peak through the dark colors painting the sky. Kurt smiled and rested a hand on the latch of the door then slid it open causing a gust of cool wind into the apartment, Blaine shivering at the change. Once the weather calmed into a lazy yet slightly chilling temperature, Kurt picked up the bags from the ground and caught the lighter Blaine held in a hand with his teeth, “Candles,” he grinned around the plastic.