I'm going to the dance. With John.

Which I'm totally fine with after what happened at the Lima Bean earlier today.

After school, I thought I'd give it another try.

Blue Eyes was already there when I arrived. He was sitting at the same table as last time in the far corner of the cafe and reading some kind of fashion magazine again.

I paid for my coffee, sat down in the opposite corner and took a sip of my drink while I watched him out of the corner of my eye. As last time, he was totally absorbed in his magazine, creasing his brow every now and then as his eyes traveled along the pages. After a couple of minutes, he blinked and moved his finger towards his left eye. It seemed that one of his eyelashes had gotten in, because he gently rubbed along the lower lid, retrieving the hair with the tip of his finger. And then, he held his fingertip in front of his mouth, closed his eyes for a brief moment and gently blew the hair away, smiling a little.

In that moment, I'd have given anything to know what he had wished for. He had looked so happy and at peace, as if everything was good and right in the universe - even if it was just for a couple of seconds.

I wanted to get up and walk over to his table so badly, but I couldn't move. I just sat there, paralyzed, took a sip of my coffee, and another, and another, every sip taking me closer to the moment I'd have to man up and finally, finally talk to him. And just when I thought I could move, my throat started closing up. I tried to take a few deep breaths to calm down, but it started getting worse. My palms got sweaty, my legs started trembling and a wave of nausea hit me full force.

Out of the blue, my body had decided to throw a full-blown panic attack.

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't.

So I jumped up as fast as physically possible without throwing over the table and ran. I ran out of the cafe and didn't slow down until I reached the bus stop four blocks down the road.

I boarded the bus, sat down in the last row and almost started crying out of anger and frustration.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm the biggest fucking coward on the planet. Scratch that. In the whole freakin' galaxy. Or better the whole fucking universe.

What does it say about me if I don't even have the courage to go after the one thing I really, really want?

Will this be my usual reaction to pressure now - throwing a panic attack?

Will I be a failure in life because I won't be able to take the risks that have to be taken?

I thought I had gotten over all of this. What happened to the new and improved Blaine?

Where is he when I need him? It seems he's not as reliable as I thought.

Fuck.

When I got back, I headed straight over to Mark's. I had promised to tell him what had been bothering me days ago, but I had procrastinated. Of course.

I was still thoroughly shaken when I sat down in Mark's room. John was there as well, so I told them both about the letter. After I had finished, they just stared at me for a few seconds as if I had revealed I'd invented the first working time machine.

And then Mark lost it. He jumped up and grabbed me by my collar, almost tearing my shirt apart. He started yelling at me, but I didn't really get anything of what he was saying because I was struggling not to go down under his weight. Only when John managed to get him off of me did I understand that he was mad at me because he was scared. He sat down on the bed next to John, breathing hard and fast, his whole body trembling.

"Blaine, you have to promise us that you will report this. You have to. You can't let them get away with this. Promise us you will report. We'll go with you."

John was the one who had spoken up. Mark just sat there and nodded frantically, obviously unable to voice his concerns without getting physical again.

In the following 20 minutes, I tried everything to convince them that I was fine. I told them about my decision not to be the victim anymore and how I planned to make them understand. I talked and talked and talked. But they just wouldn't buy it.

John then said something that I'll probably never forget:

"Blaine, being brave is one thing. Being reckless is another. What they are doing is punishable by law, but you choose to let them get away with it it only to prove to yourself that they can't touch you. They might not be able to bring you down emotionally, but they sure as hell can bring you down physically. Courage is good, but caution is better. Dead people can't be brave anymore, Blaine."

And he's right. Deep down, I've known all along that I'd have to report, but it felt as if they'd gotten to me if I did. Which is nonsense, of course. I know now that they won't have the power to drive me into comitting suicide, but what if they decide to take things in their own hands and actually hurt me?

In the end, I promised them to report as soon as possible.

Then I told them about the Sadie Hawkins dance.

John wasn't happy when he heard that I was thinking about asking a guy to accompany me, especially after the letter, but he agreed with me that it would be a great signal. Besides, he reminded me that the place would be full of chaperones, which would make any kind of gay bashing highly unlikely. We'd probably be safe.

And then, everything kind of - just happened.

John looked at me, smirked and said: "Do you want to go with me?"

Just like that. Totally relaxed and calm and comfortable.

I must have stared at him like a deer in headlights because he immediately pedaled back and added something like "You don't have to. It's not supposed to be a date or something, I just thought that it would make sense to go together."

John didn't know anything about my more than unhealthy obsession with Blue Eyes, and I honestly didn't want him to. I couldn't seriously tell him, my only gay friend, the guy who has been helping me so much these past weeks, that I truly wanted to ask someone else.

Someone I don't even know. Someone who might not even be gay. Someone I just happen to have a weird crush on.

Mark looked at me as if he'd guessed my train of thought and shrugged, silently mouthing 'Why not?'.

So I told John yes, of course I wanted to go with him, and that I was just so surprised that he had asked me just like that, as if it wasn't a big deal.

John smiled and said "That's set, then."

And that was that.

Going with Blue Eyes was just a silly fantasy of mine, after all.