9 pm

It's Monday and I had to drag myself back to school.

I haven't told anyone about the letter I found on my desk on Friday.

Honestly, I don't think it would be of much use to tell mom. She'd probably freak and be even more worried all the time, which wouldn't help at all. I need her as my safe haven. When I'm with her, I can forget for a little while and just be, and if I tell her, I won't even have that.

I'll have to tell Mark and the others, though, because they see what's happening to me, and I know that they are worried.

I flinched again today at every loud sound and every person that entered my personal space. Whenever someone tried to talk to me, I jumped. After the second period, Mark walked up to me from behind while I was putting some books into my locker and put his hand on my shoulder. I spun around, stared at him with wide eyes and trembled. He apologized right away, and asked me immediately if anything had happened. I told him I'd talk to him later.

I somehow got through the rest of my classes, went to soccer training (where I have started changing in the restroom stalls, by the way) and drove straight home to lock myself in my room again.

I've been sitting on my bed for four hours straight now, just staring at the wall. Is this how my entire life is going to be? A never-ending circle of threats and fear, with a couple of good moments in between?

I refuse to believe it. I know there are places like New York or San Francisco where it's going to be so much easier, and that's where I'll have to head eventually. But why am I forced to leave in order to be who I am? What if I wanted to stay here (not that I want to) after high school? I wouldn't even be allowed to get married to the person I love. Who are they to deny me, a citizen of the U.S., one of the most fundamental rights just because I love men? Who are they to decide that a homosexual relationship is not worth the full protection of the law?

I'm so, so furious. Maybe I should go to law school and specialize on LGBT rights. Who knows, maybe that way, I can make a change.

But in order to do that, I'll have to get through high school first and preferably graduate on top of my class, and I currently don't see that happening.

My grades have been dropping ever since I came out, and I've taken a dive from a straight 4.0 GPA to something around a 3.5 in one month. I even failed a couple of tests. I can't concentrate on anything, I don't sleep, I'm constantly terrified and sometimes I drift off during class because I'm so exhausted.

I can't go on like this.

11 pm

The realization hit me when I was looking at my reflection in the mirror while getting ready for bed.

I don't know how long it has been since I've really, truly looked at myself, but it must have been a while, because I almost didn't recognize the person staring back at me.

I looked so much paler than I'd ever been in my entire life. My hair was a complete mess, my curls sticking up in all directions without the usual amount of gel keeping them at bay, and my hand reached for the bottle out of reflex only to realize that it wasn't there. I must have run out of gel days ago because our cleaning lady had already gotten rid of the empty bottle. And I hadn't even noticed until now.

My cheeks were sunken in, dark bags hanging below my eyes from the constant lack of sleep, and no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't able to relax my features enough to get rid of the deep line between my eyebrows.

I also realized that I must have lost several pounds over the last couple of weeks because my collarbones suddenly appeared much more prominent than before and I could almost count my ribs through the skin.

But what shocked me the most was my posture.

My shoulders were hanging low, and I looked as if I was constantly bending down in an attempt to reduce my height even more. I looked as if I was trying to vanish.

My whole appearance was screaming defeat.

And in that moment, I realized that I can't have that. This isn't me.

I've got to do something and I know exactly where I have to start.

I have to start with the man in the mirror.

I have to start with changing my own attitude, right here, right now.

From now on, I refuse to be the victim.

I refuse to give anyone the power to bring me down.

I'll go to school tomorrow and hold my head up high. I'll pass those Neanderthals in the hallways and smile and show them that they can't scare me away.

And next weekend, I'll go and build that fucking car with dad. I'll show him that I'm still the same boy he used to be so proud of. But I'll also show him that nothing on this whole wide planet will be able to make me straight.

If I can make him understand that nothing is wrong with me, I might be able to make the others understand as well.

Eventually.