March 14th, 2009

Blaine,

I don't even know how to begin this letter.

I still can't believe what happened to you. I woke up this morning, praying that what I heard from mom yesterday was all just a bad dream, only to realize that it wasn't.

I'm so, so sorry, Blaine.

I should have been there for you when you needed me. I should have been the one to get you down from this damn flag pole. I should have beaten all of these assholes up until they wouldn't have been able to tell left from right.

Instead I'm stuck in this fucking place.

I feel horrible. I wish I could turn back time and erase what I did, so I could be by your side through all of this.

But we both know that that's not really an option. So all I can offer right now is an explanation. You deserve to know why I did what I did. I owe you at least that much.

I'll be completely honest with you, Blaine. I still stick to what I told dad the night I left six months ago. He never saw me. All he ever saw was the person he wanted me to be. He set standards which I knew I'd never be able to meet. I struggled so hard, but at the same time I knew I'd never be good enough. I guess I did what I did to finally get his attention. He always ignored me when I tried to talk to him, so I figured I'd have to scream in order to make him listen. I just wanted him to finally, finally see me and love me the way I am. I never imagined that he'd kick me out.

You probably wonder why I'm telling you all of this, because my problems with dad are clearly none of your business, and I don't want them to become your business. I just wanted you to know why I fucked up the way I did.

I also want you to see what he did to me, and learn from my mistakes. I'm a mess, Blaine. Don't let him ever do this to you. Don't let him take you to the point where you have to scream to make him listen, because it may be too late by then. Don't try to be who he wants you to be, because that's impossible. Just be who you are, and you'll be fine. But you're so much smarter than me, so you probably already know that.

In fact, don't give anyone the power to change you. Not dad, and certainly not those neanderthals at your school. Stay true to yourself. You're perfect the way you are and your're so much better than all of them. I love you so much, Blaine, and I'm heartbroken for you, but I also know that you're incredibly strong and that you'll make it through this in one piece.

You need to promise me that you won't give these homophobes the power to break you. The only person who should be able to have this power is yourself.

Yours,
Cooper

P.S. Mom has been visiting me frequently. I asked her not to tell you, because I thought I wouldn't be able to look into your eyes. But I know now that I was wrong. I'd love to see you, little bro. Maybe you could come with mom next time she visits. I can understand if you don't want to, of course.

P.P.S. Have you met John, yet? ;)