Sunday 4th November 2012

Dearest Blaine,

I couldn't do it.

I tried. I tried so hard to do this and be strong for you but I just couldn't! As soon as I stepped through those doors I could already feel the tears. I felt that if I were to just ignore it then I could stumble my way through this darkness. But I was wrong. I was so wrong! I can't! The person before me on stage was a young girl, and do you know what she sung?

Teenage Dream.

To her it was just a song but of course, it's so much more than that! That was the song that I fell in love with you to! How am I supposed to forget that?! How am I supposed to just push that aside and smile through it?! Please Blaine, tell me! Because I'm running out of answers. Who am I kidding? I was never going to remotely move on. I don't want to. But the moment the introduction of that god-damned song played I fell apart. I sobbed in front of a room of people. I couldn't breath or think or anything! Rachel had tried to get me outside for some air but I felt like my feet were glued to the ground. And then they called my name up next. I just stood there! I went out last night to show you how brave I've become and how much I would do for you and I failed. I failed you and I'm so sorry. What the hell is wrong with me?

I feel like I'm losing myself. No. I feel like I'm losing the last of myself. After you was sent away, you took a huge part of me with you. I'm so scared. I just wish you could reply to me. Just anything. Just to let me know that somehow, somewhere you're not what everybody says you are. You can't be. I refuse to believe it as I have done for the past three months. That's right Blaine, I haven't had a reply in three months, and I'm still writing to you. Because I can't find any reasons not to, even if other people can.

I read through your last letter to me last night. I read it after I came home. I just needed to read it again. Just to imagine that it was you reading it to me. I just needed to see your words to make me feel slightly closer to you. Do you remember? You were telling me about the other soldiers and how they teased you about the gifts I sent. You were saying how close you all were and you felt like you made some life-long friends. You made me so happy with that letter of how well you were doing and how nice the others are. But it was the last paragraph that I wanted to read the most.

'I'm going to fight for you, Kurt. With every ounce of my body. I'm going to strife forward to get back to you. I love you, so, so much. I promise. One day I'm coming home. Besides, I owe you.'

Sweetheart, I hope you're right. I hope one day you'll come home and never leave again. I know this wasn't your choice, not really. But I need to know. What do you owe me for? I look back at those words everyday and I still can't figure out what you can possibly owe me for. If anything, I'm more in debt of you. And if you were to come home then I don't think I'll ever get out of debt. I wish your words would be true. Please.

I know this is a longer letter but...I had to tell you everything, as I have done for a long time. But I realise that things must come to an end. I'm hoping that it's not the same for all things.

I love you,

forever and always,

Kurt xxx