And we were sixteen at the time,
nothing could ever change our minds,
we were one step below invincible,
and we always fought it.

I wish you'd come back now.

Wish I could help, but I can't help you find you.

Chapter 23:

Blaine opened his eyes and looked immediately over at Kurt. He was still sleeping, his mouth open slightly, small snores escaping his body. He hadn't slept with such abandon since they had arrived in Ohio and Blaine was glad to see that he was finally resting.

Blaine leaned down and pressed a light kiss to Kurt's forehead, then climbed out of the bed and pulled his jeans on. He slipped a t-shirt (Kurt's) over his head, ran a hand through his curls, then tip toed up the stairs and across the hall until he had reached the kitchen.

Much to Blaine's surprise, Finn was already up. He was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. He looked up at Blaine and gave him a small smile.

"'Mornin', dude," he said.

"Hi," Blaine replied, sitting down across from him. "Any news?"

Finn shook his head. "My mom left a little while ago. She called and said things were the same." Finn shrugged. "I guess it's sort of a good thing that nothing's gotten worse, huh?"

"I suppose," Blaine said, quietly.

"Is Kurt up?"

"No, he's sleeping. I didn't want to wake him."

Finn nodded. "You should get some breakfast, man."

"Maybe later," Blaine uttered.

He couldn't stop thinking about Kurt and how he had been the night before, the way he had pleaded with Blaine with his eyes. Blaine had never seen Kurt look like that, had never heard him sound the way he had, so desperate and needy and wanting and Blaine wasn't sure why, but it was playing on his mind, like some sort of broken record that just kept going back around and around. He was a little anxious to see how Kurt was today.

"I think I'll make some breakfast, actually," Blaine stated, standing up. "Kurt won't eat unless food is placed in front of him."

Finn left the house and went to Rachel's and Blaine made pancakes, because it was all he really knew how to make. Kurt didn't appear for another half an hour. He was wearing a pair of old pyjama bottoms and a long-sleeved shirt. His hair was sticking up and his eyes were still half-lidded with sleep. Blaine turned and looked at him when he walked in.

"Hey, baby," he said, giving him what he hoped was a comforting smile. "Did you sleep okay?"

Kurt shrugged one shoulder and sat down. Blaine frowned and grabbed the plate of pancakes. He placed it down in front of Kurt and poured him a cup of coffee.

"Eat something," he urged. "We can leave as soon as you get some food into you. Carole called. There's no change. Sorry," he said, shaking his head. "I guess I should have said that in the first place."

Kurt didn't say anything, just picked up a fork and prodded the pancakes, gently. He started eating very slowly.

"So, um," Blaine began, blushing, "I hope.. I mean, I didn't hurt you last night, did I? Are you..are you okay?"

Kurt didn't look up, he only nodded.

"Okay," Blaine said. "Good. I was worried I'd hurt you." He paused. "Do you want me to shut up? It's okay if you do. I can just..stop. Yeah, um.. Will you be okay here by yourself? If I go shower now, we'll get out of here faster and.. Is that okay?"

Kurt nodded again.

"Okay," Blaine repeated. He stood up and walked across the room. He bent and pressed a kiss to the top of Kurt's head. "I love you," he told him and he thought he saw Kurt flinch. He let it go, because he knew Kurt was going through a lot, it had probably just been a reflex, brought on by his current emotional state.

Blaine went back downstairs and into Kurt's bathroom. He fidgeted with the dial and got the temperature right, then slipped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower. He shuddered at the sensation of the hot water hitting his body. It took him a moment to get used to it, then he started washing his hair, using his boyfriend's shampoo.

He wasn't sure what to make of how Kurt had behaved this morning. He'd been clingy and wanted to talk about everything the past few days, almost fighting for reassurance, but today he had been completely silent and Blaine was a little worried that this had come as a result of what they had done the night before. He concluded that he would talk to Kurt about it, make sure he was okay with everything and that he understood that Blaine loved him so, so much and that the force with which he had made love to him was only as a result of that love.

Something happened then and Blaine was taken by surprise. He felt himself being pushed and then pulled and then his back was pressed against the warm tiled walls of the shower and familiar lips were crashing against his and Blaine whimpered under the grip of his boyfriend. Kurt was kissing him like he wanted to forget, like Blaine's kisses would help him, like they would make everything disappear. He was sucking on his lips, on his tongue, nibbling on his bottom lip, almost drawing blood.

Blaine eventually managed to pull their lips apart. He reached out and held Kurt around the waist and looked up into his blue eyes.

"What's going on?" he asked.

Kurt just let out a small sigh, then pressed himself up against Blaine. Blaine realised then that Kurt was very naked. And hard. Very, very hard. He let Kurt kiss him, because he thought it was what he needed. It hurt a little when Kurt's teeth were chewing so hard on his swollen lips, but if it made things better for Kurt, he would endure it over and over again.

Kurt grabbed Blaine's wrist and pushed it down until his fingers were against the crack of his ass. Blaine tried to catch Kurt's eye, but he couldn't because the water was falling, hot and frantic, and Kurt was moaning (also hot and frantic) and he was kissing Blaine and touching him and making those small, needy sounds again.

"Kurt," Blaine managed to choke out, once he'd broken the kiss again. "Are you sure about this? I mean, shouldn't we talk about—ohhhh."

Kurt's fingers were wrapped around his now-hard cock and he was stroking hard and still urging Blaine's fingers onto his backside. Blaine gave in and reached out. He pressed Kurt up to the wall, so that his back was to him, then he reached down and pressed a finger to his entrance. Kurt keened quietly as Blaine stroked him open, using the water and his own saliva and he hoped it was enough, because Kurt had to be sore from the night before and he didn't want to hurt him further.

"Are you sure you can take this right now?" he asked, just to make sure. "Baby, I can do something else if this is just about you needing to feel loved. I can blow you, if you want. I can hold you and touch you and do whatever you need me to, but I won't hurt you. You need to be one hundred percent sure that you're able to handle this, okay?"

Kurt didn't hesitate, only nodded and pushed his hips back, prompting Blaine to give him more.

"Okay," Blaine said, quietly. "I'm trusting you to tell me if you need to stop."

Blaine stretched him open and when he was inside, Kurt pushed for him to go rough again and despite his uncertainty he gave in and gave Kurt exactly what he wanted and afterwards, Kurt had continued crying and kissed Blaine for a long time. He didn't speak one word to him that day.

Blaine was really worried. Kurt had been initiating sex for four days now and each time he had begged silently for Blaine to be rough with him and Blaine tried to take it easy, tried to show him that he could still make him feel good if they took things slow, but Kurt wasn't having any of it. He wanted to feel it, wanted it hard and fast and Blaine kept giving him what he wanted.

He'd tried talking to him about it, but it was no use. Kurt didn't talk to him any more. A few times during sex he had uttered a few words, such as 'please' and 'harder' and 'Blaine', but outside the bedroom he didn't speak a word to Blaine. He had answered Carole and Finn and even Rachel once or twice, but it seemed he was shutting Blaine out entirely and it hurt.

Blaine just wanted to be there for him, wanted to help him get through this. It had been a week since Burt had taken the heart attack and there didn't seem to be any change and Kurt just wasn't the same any more.

Sex meant something to Kurt, it always had, but now, all he wanted was for Blaine to make him feel it, for Blaine to be as rough and as forceful as he was capable of. Blaine didn't stop trying to talk to him about it, but he did stop trying to make him tell him. If this was Kurt's way of dealing with it, that was understandable. Blaine just wished he wouldn't hurt himself in the process.

Blaine was on his way to pick up some food when he got a call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Anderson," Santana said on the other end. "Guess where I am."

"Uh," Blaine said, not really sure he could hazard a guess. "I have no idea."

"I'm in Lima, idiot," she told him.

"You are?" he asked. "Where are you?"

"Got a cab to the Lima Bean."

"I'll pick you up," he told her. "I'm getting food for everyone, so I can pick you up. Give me ten minutes."

They hung up and Blaine drove to the Lima Bean, glad that Satana was here and that he didn't feel so alone. He had Kurt, but Kurt wasn't behaving as he normally did and Blaine got that, but he couldn't deny that he felt a little alone and a little saddened and he had to admit, sort of used. He felt awful that he was feeling like this. Kurt needed him and he had no right feeling like that. Kurt was his main priority right now and he needed to just give him what he needed and stop being so ridiculous about it.

Blaine stopped the car at the Lima Bean and Santana came out, holding two coffees. She got in and handed him one.

"How you holding up, little guy?" she asked, smiling.

Blaine chuckled. "I'm okay, I guess," he told her.

"And Hummel?"

"Not so great."

"I can understand that," she said. "Hey, listen, do you think it'd be okay if I crashed with you guys? If I tell my parents I'm in town they'll give me the whole lecture about not skiving off work and stuff and I don't need their shit."

"Yeah," Blaine said. "I think that'd be fine. The house is sort of like a hotel right now. We go back at night and eat breakfast in the morning, then we go right back to the hospital."

"So, tell Auntie 'Tana what's got you so down."

Blaine glanced across at her.

"Well, my boyfriend's father has been unconscious for a week, Santana."

"Oh, funny, Anderson. Real, funny," she said, rolling her eyes. "I know there's something you're not telling me, you know."

"There really isn't."

"Oh, Blainers," she said, with a dramatic sigh. "It may not look like it, but I'm actually amazing at reading people. So spill, or I'll spill this," she gestured at her coffee, "all over your too-short pants."

Blaine was silent for a moment, then he sighed.

"Okay," he said. "It's Kurt. You remember the day I told you Kurt had that panic attack?"

Santana nodded.

"Well, that night, I took him home, to, like, rest and stuff and he started.. I mean, we had sex, but.. It wasn't.." Blaine trailed off, trying to think about how he should put this. "He was.. different."

"Different," Santana repeated.

Blaine nodded. "Right," he told her. "Like.. He wanted me to hurt him. And at first I thought it was just about him needing to..to feel, I guess, but it keeps happening. It's happened every day since then and he just.. He won't talk to me, he's barely even looked at me properly since. I'm trying to get through to him and I know it's selfish of me, but I just.. I feel so..so used.

"I don't know if he even knows he's doing it. Hurting me, I mean, but I just.. I can't—I won't tell him no, not when he so obviously needs it, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt me, that he's making me do..that to him—not that it feels bad in, you know, a physical sense, it's just that I don't want to hurt him, but I can't tell him I won't do it and I just.. I want to go back to being gentle with him, but he won't let me and he's just..he's.. I feel like he's just..just..using my body and then just disregarding me at all other times and I feel so bad about myself that I'm even thinking of my own feelings when he obviously needs it to be like this so badly and I just.. I'd get past that if he just...if he just talked to me again, if he even just acted like I exist. I don't know what to do, Santana. I just love him so much and want him to feel better and I would do anything to help him with that, but it just...it really, really hurts."

Santana listened, nodding every now and then and when Blaine was done she sighed again.

"You know you don't have to feel bad about wanting him not to hurt you, right?" she told him. "You're a person and he's supposed to love you. Even if you were in his shoes and he was in yours, wouldn't you still want him to feel okay? I mean, you wouldn't want to hurt him, or make him feel bad, right?"

"Well, yeah, but he's dealing with so much, I don't know if he even sees—"

"Stop making excuses for him," she said. "Okay, yeah, it's terrible that he's going through all this shit, but that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like some cheap whore, fucking you and then not even speaking to you—and sorry, but the truth hurts, Anderson, that's what he's doing."

Blaine let out a shaky breath. "So, what do I do?"

"You make him talk to you."

"No one makes Kurt do anything he doesn't want to," Blaine informed her, shaking his head.

"Cut the crap," she said. "He's being a really shitty boyfriend right now and he needs to get a grip."

"Santana!"

"It's true," she told him. "I know he's got a lot on his mind, but jeez. You're obviously being really amazing to him right now and he should be fucking grateful for you, not playing with you, then tossing you aside. Tell him you're hurting, that he needs to stop and yeah, maybe he doesn't even know he's doing it—and I'm not saying it's his fault, exactly—but it can't do any harm to let him know he's doing it and that you don't like it. Do it gently if you have to, just stop it before he thinks it's okay."

"Y'know, Hummel, it's really rude how you haven't said a word to me since I got here," Santana told Kurt later in the waiting room. Blaine was in the bathroom and Carole was in with Burt. Finn was over at Rachel's.

Kurt rolled his eyes. He didn't feel like talking.

"And you know what else It's totally unfair how you're not even answering Blainers when he talks to you," she said. "The poor guy's trying his hardest, like a trooper, trying to get you to say anything to him and all you can do is shrug your shoulders and nod your head like a frickin' nodding dog. It's totally unfair.

"Unfair?" Kurt asked, voice breaking. "Do you know what's unfair, Santana? The fact that I'm probably going to lose my dad and he is such a good person. He's never hurt anyone. That's unfuckingfair."

It was the most he had said in days and his body was trembling.

"You know who else is a good person?" Santana asked. "Your boyfriend, but obviously you don't give a crap about him."

Kurt buried his face in his hands.

Blaine walked back down the hall and saw Santana had moved seats. She was sitting on the other side of the room examining her nails. Kurt was still in the same place, but his face was in his hands. He looked up at the sound of Blaine's footsteps. Blaine gave him a small smile and gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze as he walked by. Santana snorted from across the room. Kurt didn't react, but Blaine looked up at her with a quizzical expression. She only rolled her eyes. Blaine walked on and sat down next to her.

"What happened?" he asked her.

"I'm sick of the amount of asshole on that side of the room," she answered, loudly.

"Santana," Blaine warned. "Leave him alone."

Blaine saw Kurt shuffle out of the corner of his eye.

"Seriously, Anderson, you need to—"

"Look, can we change the subject for a while?" he asked, quietly. "What's been happening back home?"

Santana looked as if she wanted to say something, but decided against it.

"Not a lot," she told him. "It's been uber quiet without you two fucking all over the city."

Blaine smiled.

"Oh," she said, quickly. "I bumped into Blue's Clues yesterday."

"Yeah?" Blaine said, feeling distracted. "He and Colton had a date, right?"

Santana laughed. "Oh, they certainly did," she informed him. "Two of 'em have been floating around the building, like, all the damn time. They can't stand each other. It's like some sort of hate sex set up."

Hate sex, Blaine wondered, stomach sinking.

"Sounds romantic," he joked.

"Oh, it is," she said, sarcastically. "Seriously, they're at each other's throats 24/7, then I see them sucking face at the door the next morning. I've almost barfed my breakfast all over my shoes on more than one occasion."

"So, they're sort of a couple now?"

"I don't know," she said with a shrug. "I asked him about it. Sebastian, I mean. Says it's just sex, but I could tell it was more."

Blaine nodded. "Maybe they'll be good for each other."

"Maybe," she said. "So, what's the deal here?" she asked, gesturing between Kurt and Blaine.

"Just leave it, Santana."

"It's freaking ridiculous, Anderson and you know it," she apprised him, with a shake of her head. "I get that this is a hard time for him, but is it really too fucking hard to say a couple of words every now and then? Maybe, oh, I don't know, acknowledge your fucking existence?"

"Santana," Blaine said again. "Can we not? He doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to, okay? Just leave him alone."

"I'd appreciate it if you guys would stop talking about me like I'm not in the fucking room," Kurt snapped, not looking at them.

Blaine just blinked at him and Santana sighed in frustration, then stood up and stormed down the hall, swearing in Spanish under her breath. Blaine watched her disappear, then sat there for a few seconds. He thought about what she had said, about hate sex. Was that what they were having? Hate sex? Blaine wasn't even sure in what way he would connect that, but it was just something that he couldn't help thinking about.

Blaine heard Kurt let out a broken sigh then and it knocked him from his reverie. He looked up, blinked a few times, then stood up and went to sit next to Kurt. Kurt didn't look at him, just shifted uncomfortably.

"Hey," Blaine said, gently. "I.. Don't worry about her, okay? She's just..well. You know how she is."

Kurt didn't say anything, but Blaine hadn't expected him to say anything.

"I'm sor—I don't even know if I have anything to be sorry about, it's just that I.. Kurt, did I do something, or say something that...that hurt you? Or... I don't know. I miss you, baby and I just want to know if it's something I've done to make you..act the way you're acting. I need to know if I.." Blaine trailed off. "No, it's.. You don't need to talk about this right now. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to deal with this, you've got enough to worry about without me trying to get you to.."

Blaine stopped. He waited, hoping Kurt would say something. He didn't.

"Do you think.." Blaine paused. "Do you think I could maybe..hold your hand?" he asked, swallowing hard. It's okay if you don't want me to..."

There was silence and then Kurt reached down and took Blaine's hand in his own. Blaine sagged in relief. He entwined their fingers and they fit just as they always had; Perfectly.

"I love you," Blaine told him, quietly. "I don't know if that's something you need to hear right now, but I want you to know that I do. I love you and I'm here for you. When I told you forever, I meant it. I love you."

Blaine watched as Kurt shut his eyes tight and he felt Kurt's fingers loosen in his grasp. Blaine felt his stomach twisting, not for the first time that day. He didn't say anything after that.

They drove back to the house in almost complete silence. Blaine tried to make conversation on more thank one occasion, but Kurt didn't answer with words. He nodded and he shook his head and he shrugged his shoulders, but he didn't speak. He couldn't, didn't want to, didn't trust himself to say the right things.

They entered the house in silence. It was dark outside now and a little chilly and Blaine went to turn up the heat and then to talk to Santana. Kurt went downstairs and locked the bathroom door. He turned the shower on and sat at the edge of the bathtub, watching the water falling. He felt awful. His head hurt and he was paler than ever and he felt like such a horrible person that he didn't want to be himself any more.

Kurt hadn't wanted to ignore Blaine. He hadn't wanted to treat him like crap, like he didn't care. Kurt cared, of course he did, he just didn't know how to handle it any more. He hated that he felt like this, hated that his life had taken such a turn for the worse. He had a lot on his mind and he knew he was hurting Blaine, but hurting him was the only way he knew how to deal with this.

Eventually, he got undressed and stepped into the shower. He crouched down under the over head nozzle and let the water pour down over him, wishing it could wash away his misery. He got redressed afterwards and walked out into the bedroom. Blaine was standing by the bed, his back arched. His suitcase was on the bed and he was rooting around inside. Kurt's heart was hammering and he felt sick and the only way he knew how to make it go away was to get Blaine to touch him. He felt awful for it, because he was trying to push him away, yet he felt the need to be close to him, but he kept doing it anyway.

Kurt stepped forward and stood behind Blaine. Blaine stood up straight and turned to face him, but Kurt reached around and pressed his hand against the bulge in Blaine's jeans. Blaine's mouth opened slightly and he seemed to take a deep breath. His eyes dropped from Kurt's face to his hand and then he stepped back.

"I can't do this," he whispered and Kurt knew it was time.

"I'm so sorry," Blaine said. "I don't want to tell you no, because this is obviously something you want—maybe even something you need, but Kurt, I just can't do it. Maybe that makes me selfish and maybe I'm being unfair, because you're not in your right mind and you need me right now, but Kurt.."

Blaine paused and then met Kurt's eyes with his own.

"Kurt, I know this is a really selfish thing for me to say to you, because you are hurting so much more than I am, but it hurts me when you treat me like this. It hurts that you just want me for sex and that you barely even recognise my existence at all other times. And as well as that, I don't want to hurt you. You're asking me to be rough with you and that's not who I am. I'm doing it for you, Kurt, but I really, really don't want to hurt you.

"I wish you'd talk to me. I wish you'd tell me what's on your mind. I'll keep having sex with you if that's what you want, but I need something from you. I know it's a bad time for me to tell you this and I tried earlier and couldn't, but I just need you to look at me again. I need you to talk to me, even if it's only a few words at a time. I need you to at least look like you still.."

Blaine took a deep breath, then exhaled for a long time.

"I need to know that you still love me, because the past few days haven't made me feel like you do," he told him. "If you would just tell me what I did, or how I could fix it—"

"You can't," Kurt said.

Blaine watched him in silence for a few seconds.

"Why not?" he asked, insides whirling.

Blaine watched as Kurt moved to the side and sat down on the edge of the bed. Blaine went and sat down, too, but not too close.

"I think we should break up."

Blaine's heart dropped in his chest.

"Wait," he said, voice wobbling. "What?"

"I think we should—"

"I heard you," Blaine said shaking his head. "I just..don't understand."

"Then don't try," Kurt said. "Please, just accept a break up and don't ask questions. I can't answer any of them."

Blaine sat there, staring down at his lap.

"Kurt," he said after a moment. "You don't... I don't think you want to break up."

"But I just said—"

"I know," Blaine said. "I know that, but I don't think you want to. Why are you doing this?"

Blaine knew. He could feel it. Kurt didn't want this any more than he did. Blaine was shocked. He definitely hadn't expected this and he wouldn't accept it. He couldn't accept it, not without a legitimate reason.

"Kurt, you've been off the past week," Blaine said. "And that's okay. Nobody expects you to be thinking straight. I can't let you do this, not when you don't even know what you're doing. I know you love me, Kurt, I know it. Just.. please explain it to me."

Kurt let out a small sob.

"I don't want you to love me any more."

Blaine blinked a few times. He just didn't understand.

"I'll always love you."

Kurt started to cry, then, quietly, his body shaking. Blaine reached across and pulled him close to him, his arm going round his shoulders. Kurt made no move to break contact.

"I can't do this," Kurt sobbed. "I can't."

Blaine held him and let him cry. They weren't breaking up. Kurt wasn't thinking straight and Blaine wouldn't let him go, not when he was feeling like this. It was a long time before he calmed down and pulled away from Blaine. He sat up straight, wiped his eyes and caught his breath.

"I can't be in a relationship right now," he told Blaine. "I just.. I don't want this—us anymore."

Blaine felt empty, like he couldn't breathe.

"Kurt—"

"Please, Blaine," he pleaded, blue eyes red rimmed and shining. "Please just go."

"I won't leave you," Blaine told him. "I'm not leaving you when you're like this. You've been there for me when I needed you and I will not walk away from you when you need me. I'm sorry, I won't do it. You don't know what you're saying. I—You don't want to break up, not really. I know you, Kurt. I can feel it. I know you don't want this to end. Please, just—"

"Can you just leave me alone for a while?"

Blaine stopped talking, then nodded. He stood up, then reached out to touch Kurt's wet cheek.

"I can't stop loving you," he told him, in a gentle whisper. "Please don't ask me to give you something I can't give you."

When Blaine went upstairs, he found Santana on the couch watching TV. She looked up at him.

"Uh oh," she said, switching the set off. "What's happened now?"

Blaine sat down next to her.

"He just broke up with me," he said in a bewildered tone.

Santana raised one eyebrow.

"He didn't even give me a real reason," Blaine said, feeling dazed. "He just.. He said he couldn't do it—that he didn't want to be with me and that..that he doesn't want me to love him any more."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Santana," Blaine said. "It's not his fault. He's got a lot going on."

"You need to stop," she told him. "He's going through a hard time, doesn't mean he can take it out on you when all you've ever fucking done is love him and support him. What an asshole—"

"Santana, don't," he said, quietly. "Please, just don't. He's.. He's not an asshole, he just.. He's struggling. He didn't mean it, I know he didn't. I could see it in his eyes. He doesn't want to break up."

"Who are you trying to convince?"

Blaine took a deep breath.

"I'll give him some space. Maybe he just needs some time to himself. Yeah, I can do that. I can let him have some time."

"Anderson quit babbling, it's pathetic."

Blaine stopped talking and looked down at his hands in his lap. He really didn't know what to feel.

"Give him time to chill the fuck out, then talk to him," Santana advised. "You said you know he doesn't want a break up, right?"

Blaine nodded. He was sure. He had to be right.

"Well, for the record, I don't think he does either," she told him. "I do think there's something more, though. So let him have tonight without anyone holding him, all alone and cold and then talk to him tomorrow. He'll be jumping back into your arms, trust me."

The thought of leaving Kurt without anyone to hold him made Blaine sick. Kurt had clung to him every single night. How he could he leave him by himself?

"I don't think—"

"Anderson," Santana said. "Just trust me, okay?"

Blaine wavered, then nodded.

"Okay," he said. "I just need to go downstairs and grab some stuff."

He stood up and Santana was watching him carefully.

"I'll be right back," he said, before going back downstairs.

Kurt heard the footsteps and he sat up quickly and wiped at his eyes. Blaine came down the stairs. He looked uneasy, his eyes watching Kurt with hesitation.

"I'm, um, just grabbing some of my, um, stuff."

Kurt nodded, heart aching in his chest. He watched as Blaine rummaged around the room, grabbing his toothbrush, some clothes, shoes. After a while, Blaine stopped still. He just stood there for a few moments, then he turned and looked at Kurt, his eyes big and sad.

"Are we really breaking up?"

No, don't leave me.

Kurt half-shrugged.

"Are you going to give me a real reason?"

Please, don't leave me.

Kurt shook his head.

"Okay," Blaine said, voice breaking. "I won't leave you, you know. I'm going to be right there with you in that hospital waiting room tomorrow. I'm going to make sure you eat something in the morning. I'm going to drive you there and back and make sure you sleep at the right times and eat when you need to. I'm going to keep being your boyfriend, Kurt, because I love you and I know you love me, too. I won't leave you when you need me. I won't."

Kurt didn't say anything, just let out a shaky breath. He felt so conflicted. He wanted to tell Blaine to never leave him, that he hadn't meant it, that he loved him and needed him and wanted him and that he was so sorry for all the stupid things he'd done, but he couldn't, because that wasn't part of the plan. He couldn't have Blaine, couldn't love him, couldn't be with him, not when it hurt so bad to think about losing him.

Blaine gave him a weak smile, then crossed the room. He bent and kissed Kurt's lips once.

"Get some sleep, okay?" he said. "I'll see you in the morning and I'll be right upstairs if you need me. I love you, Kurt."

Kurt just nodded and then Blaine was going back upstairs. Kurt waited until he heard the door closing to bury his face in his pillow. Kurt cried himself to sleep that night, alone and regretful and wanting, but he couldn't go back now, not when what he had done was for the best in the long run.

When had everything gotten so badly out of control? How was he going to fix it? And how on earth was he ever going to get over?