The Beach House – Chapter Three – Memories

Kurts Apartment, Washington Heights, Manhattan, New York – 2022

“So...you never got married....?” Kurt said, not realizing how rude he sounded – as if he had some right to question Blaines life choices at this late date. They were not together, they never got married. They ended any rights one had with the other when they broke up six years ago. Kurt had sifted through his pain over the past years and knew why they called it breaking up. It was because after being so close and promising so much and then losing everything, both people in the couple were broken.

“No. I guess I just never met the right person,” Blaine said. “I got half of the trust fund my grandparents left me when I turned 23, and I wanted to have a baby, so I worked through a surrogate agency and Daniel was born. I dont have time for dating any more. I wonder sometimes if I ever did,” Blaine said, pain evident in his voice.

“You made time for me...” Kurt whispered under his breath, not believing that Blaine really felt that way. No, he was more sensitive than that. Blaine would have made time for dating if hed wanted to.

Blaine didnt know for sure if he wasnt punishing himself for all the mistakes hed made with Kurt. He forgotten that they had never dated anyone else, they were just learning the ins and outs of dating when they started. Neither one of them allowed themselves any slack; any mistake was a cause for self doubt and worry. Never forgiving himself for being young and inexperienced, Blaine blamed himself for the break-up with Kurt and regretted it every day. Maybe now would be a good time to mend fences and see if there was anything left to salvage. If Kurt was willing to try.

Blaine lifted his head and gazed into those clear blue eyes. The ones that had been haunting his dreams for most of his life now. He remembered the day he escorted Kurt to the junior prom at McKinley.

McKinley High, Lima, Ohio – 2011

“Kurt, were going to be late!” Blaine called up the stairs. Kurt hadnt let him see what he was wearing tonight and thoughts of his boyfriend appearing in a pair of tight jeans, bleached and shrunk to fit paired with a boat-neck sweater and other revealing articles of clothing had made Blaine on edge tonight. Then Kurt appeared a the top of the stairs.

“You look like a dream walking,” Blaine quoted from an old song his father used to listen to on his phonograph.

And Kurt did. He was striking in the kilt hed made. It cupped in a bit at the bottom of his ass and his hips swayed in a provocative way when Kurt walked. Blaine had to concentrate so as not to show his true feelings in front of Burt. He was very grateful that his suit jacket covered the front of his dress pants and hid the growing hardness as Kurt walked down the stairs. He came up to Blaine and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips and it was all Blaine could do to stop himself from moaning.

“Okay, the two of you – in front of the fireplace and Ill get a few shots of you going off to your first prom!” Burt directed them, so excited that his son was finally going to a prom. Just a few months ago he thought it would be only ever be a dream.

Burt took a lot of pictures, wanting to capture the perfect one to put in his scrapbook and maybe frame a copy to put on the wall with Kurts other pictures.

“We have to go, dad,” Kurt said, feeling Blaines nervous twitch as he placed his arm around Kurt for another picture.

“Oh, yeah...dont want to be late to the prom!” Burt enthused. He couldnt get the huge grin off of his face as he watched Blaine help Kurt on with the suit jacket he had paired with the kilt. He thought briefly about what could happen – hed been against Kurt wearing the kilt, worried that shoving his orientation right in the faces of the gay-bashers would stir up some trouble. It was born from his fear of Kurt being beat up for showing his true self, but he was so proud of Kurt and the way he never let anyone tell him he couldnt be who he was.

“Well be home by one, Mr. Hummel,” Blaine promised. Kurts curfew was eleven, but this was a special day and Burt had allowed the later hour.

“Be careful, try to stay with a group especially in the parking lot, okay?” Burt warned.

“Yes, Dad, we know. Honestly, everything will be fine. Dave Karofsky is no longer a threat. Hes going to the prom with Santana Lopez. Well be fine. Now wish us a good time and Ill see you in the morning. You dont need to wait up for me, Im almost eighteen,” Kurt said, hugging his father.

“Have a good time, boys,” Burt said and hugged both of them.

The gym looked wonderful as the boys walked into the room. Kurt was smiling, knowing he had the most handsome date of anyone at the prom. Blaine was smiling, too. He had overcome his fear tonight and wanted to please Kurt. He was pleasantly surprised at how good he was feeling. Kurt had ridden to the dance with him, a warm hand placed on his thigh – occasionally rubbing a bit as they drove. They listened to the radio, singing along to the songs as they went along. Kurts voice had always sounded like an angel to Blaine and he was enjoying this.

“Kurt!” several voices came across the gym and they turned their heads to see Rachel, Mercedes, and Tina waiting for him. With a smile, Kurt steered Blaine over and they talked for a few minutes, admiring the girls dresses and Kurts kilt.

“Would you like to dance?” Blaine asked and Kurts face filled with joy as they walked over to the dance floor. Not wanting to cause a spectacle, Blaine kept it very friendly instead of pulling Kurt as close as he wanted. The thought of dancing cheek to cheek, their bodies pressed together brought him to the same state he was in before they left Kurts house: horny and very hard. During a turn, Kurts thigh came in contact with Blaines hard member and he staggered, looking into Blaines eyes with question. Blaine leaned up and kissed Kurt on his rosy pink lips and marveled at the softness. He wanted to leave the dance and take Kurt somewhere so they could be alone, but he knew Kurt wasnt there yet. Kissing was fine, but Kurt just wasnt ready for the next step and Blaine would honor that.

After the class had voted Kurt to be Prom Queen, Blaine was shattered. He hadnt wanted to go to the dance, but went because Kurt had his heart set on it. Then there was the kilt – a gay Braveheart as Finn called him, but they rose above it and it just seemed like a natural choice after a while. When Figgins announced Kurt as Queen, and Kurt ran out of the gym, Blaine was heartbroken. He felt the pain in Kurts eyes as they spoke in the hallway. Why had they dared to come to this dance at all? Blaine knew it would be awful, but it was worse than he had even dreaded.

Sitting in the hallway at McKinley, Blaine had no idea how to comfort Kurt as he paced back and forth in front of the lockers. They had done things – kissing, hugging, private conversations – but this was really the crisis that led to Blaine thinking differently about Kurt.

Hed seen Kurt when he was frightened, when he was resigned, even when he had almost given up trying to bring some sense to the students of McKinley, but this was different. This was fresh, this was so hurtful...and Blaine wanted in the worst way to wave the magic boyfriend wand and make it all go away for him, but that was not happening. He looked into those breathtaking blue eyes, searched through the shades of blue and gray, noted the tiny bits of sunshine gold. He put out his hand and silently asked Kurt to sit down beside him.

“Kurt?” he asked, knowing that his boyfriend would understand what he was asking. Instead of answering, Kurt put his head down and slowly curled in to Blaines arms. He put a cheek to Blaines chest and took a deep breath. They didnt have to say anything, it was all so obvious, so they just listened to the music that came from the gym down at the other end of the hall.

Blaine pulled Kurt in tighter to his chest, wanting to protect him from all the evil in the world. Kurt was like a tiny child, clinging to the only safe haven he knew of right now and Blaine would hold him and fight for him against anybody and anything. He put a cheek to Kurts head, the soft chestnut colored hair smelled of carnations and sage – the shampoo Blaine bought him as a gift last week. He kissed his hair, tightening his hold around Kurts torso when he felt Kurt crying. Along with the sorrow that he felt about the mean trick played on Kurt, Blaine was so afraid Kurt was broken, that this was the last straw in the years of bullying that he had endured with such grace. Blaine felt hot tears scalding his eyes as they slid down his cheeks.

He wanted to get Kurt out of there, away from these horrible people, away from this pain and torture. He pushed his shoulder forward, causing Kurt to look up at him.

“Kurt? Can I take you away from this? Do you want to go somewhere?” he whispered.

Kurt sat still for a moment, searching his mind for what he wanted to do. Someone was giving him an option, a way out of this nightmare and he wanted to take it, but his mind also told him that he had to come back to school on Monday, back among the same people who did this to him, and he knew if he left now that he would never live this humiliation down. He had to save face somehow. He had to go back inside and let this play out.

“No, Blaine...I have to go back. To the gym. I have to face them now or Ill never get the guts to do it again. We wont let them take this from us...they cant touch us,” he said with a conviction in his voice that Blaine had never heard before.

“Courage,” Blaine said, standing up and dusting the dirt from his pants, then turning to help Kurt up. “I dont know why I ever needed to tell you to have courage – you have more than anyone Ive ever known. I am so proud of you, Kurt.”

Kurts cheeks blushed a delicate pink as he smiled at Blaine. He reached out his hand and Blaine took it, bringing Kurts hand to his lips and kissed it.

“Lead on,” he said.

When Kurt got that look on his face – claiming that he was going back into the dance and let them coronate him, calling their bluff, Blaine had felt so much pride in his boyfriend. Kurt was the bravest person he had ever known. He followed Kurt back in and watched from the front row as he allowed Figgins to place the crown on his head. There was a moment there, just a heartbeat, where he was afraid Kurt would break down, but to his utter surprise, Kurt placed a hand on his hip and said, “Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!”

Blaine could have died right then and there. He stood in amazement as the clapping started in the back of the room, no doubt it was one of the New Directions, and suddenly it seemed as if everyone was clapping. Kurt was smiling and it seemed as if everything would be all right now.

He was wrong.

Karofsky walked across the stage and Blaine noticed he was whispering with Kurt, then he turned and fled. Kurt stood still, his eyes beginning to tear up as he contemplated what to do now. Blaine saw the fear coming back and moved to do something.

“Can I have this dance?” he asked, holding his hand out to his boyfriend. Kurt took his hand just as Mercedes started the song. Blaines stomach did a flip-flop for a moment when he realized she was singing Dancing Queen. Really? When they saw what had happened to Kurt, didnt it occur to them to change the song? They knew hundreds of songs, why did they have to sing this one? Luckily, Kurt was oblivious to the choice in song. He danced with Blaine, a shy smile on his face as Blaine kissed his cheek softly.

“I am so proud of you, baby,” he whispered and Kurt held him just a bit closer, sighing in contentment.

Kurts Apartment, Washington Heights, New York City, 2022

“Im sorry, Kurt. I must have been wool gathering. What did you say?” Blaine asked, ashamed he had gone off into his memories when Kurt spoke to him.

“Nothing, Blaine, nothing,” Kurt said. He was overwhelmed. Hed cried every night for six months when Blaine left him, then the guilt came – blaming himself for everything that went wrong. His father had tried to tell him it was just a mistake, a miscommunication, and they could mend their relationship once again if they just got together and talked it out. Kurt believed that, and he pinned all of his hopes on it, but he couldnt find Blaine. Eventually he just stopped looking.

Moving forward had been so hard. Once he thought he caught a glimpse of Blaine on a busy New York street, but he could never catch up to him. It was slowly driving him mad, so he had to tell himself that it was ended. Forever.

At first he didnt believe something so near and dear to his heart would be gone. He began to daydream about his reconciliation with Blaine, all the happy times they would have once they found each other again. He even made up in his head that Blaine was looking for him – so he got a facebook page, a twitter account, any form of social media that became popular, but Blaine never contacted him.

“Kurt?” he heard, “Are you okay?”

“Ummm...no. Im not okay. I havent been okay and I dont even know if I will ever be okay. Its just not in the cards for me, Bl...Blaine,” he said, stumbling over Blaines name – as if the name held the magic to steal all of his power if he said it aloud. He hung his head down, trying, praying for enough strength to tell Blaine to leave and never come back.

“I looked for you...” Kurt said brokenly, unable to finish the sentence. He looked at Blaine, unsure of himself.

Blaine got up, walking slowly towards Kurt. He had dreamed of doing this one day – of coming here and reconnecting with Kurt. Of trying once more to be together with him, but he had known it was just a dream. Now? He wasnt so sure.

“Kurt?” he said, not knowing what question would follow. He reached up and laid his hand on Kurts jaw, brushing the tears away with his thumb as he got closer.

Kurt shook his head, warning Blaine with his eyes to keep his distance, but Blaine ignored it. He did come closer, slipping his hand down to touch Kurts chest and fan his fingers over Kurts heart.

“Did you move on? Are you married?” Blaine asked, though he saw no sign of a husband or roommate.

“No. Im too....too busy to get married. I have to travel for my job sometimes, so Im not always home and that would be so unfair for a husband to deal with. Ill think about it when Im done doing what I have to do to make ends meet.”

“Are you struggling? I mean financially. Do yo need money, Kurt? I can give you money if you need it,” Blaine offered, although it was the last thing he could imagine Kurt would want.

“No!” Came the emphatic answer. “I can earn my own way in this world. I am a printer, a lithographer, so no, I dont need you to take care of me,” Kurt held his ground.

They stood, toe to toe, watching for anything in the other that would change the stalemate in the room. Both being so full of pride, there was no room for anything else.

Blaine gave in first.

“I was thinking of taking Daniel home to his own bed. Hes so little and hes going to be tired after all that happened to him today. Thank you for saving him, I dont know what would have happened to him if you hadnt been there....to think of all the bad people who might have come across such a little guy, and what might...” Blaine stopped. His fears were eating him alive and he leaned back against the wall behind him, his eyes closed.

“Dont dwell on that...Blaine, hes okay, hes just fine. Please, theres no need to worry now, hes safe,” Kurt tried to comfort Blaine, feeling the pain he saw in his old friends eyes. Kurt touched Blaines hand, taking it in his own. “Honestly, there is no more need to worry.”

“Thanks to you, Kurt. I just...what if you hadnt found him? He might have tried to come home, run into a busy street? He so little, I never taught him how to do that – to cross a street. I am a terrible dad,” Blaine said, losing confidence the longer he thought about what might have been.

“I didnt know he would face that this early in life. He didnt know not to talk to strangers! I should have taught him that, too, but I thought I had time,” Blaine murmured.

“Oh, you cant blame yourself for things that never happened. From what I could see, he is a sweet, funny, confident kid – just like his father was when I first met him,” Kurt smiled, nudging Blaine with his elbow. “Right?”

“That was a long time ago, Kurt. Water under the bridge,” Blaine said, the sadness in his eyes so pronounced that Kurt felt it like a hit in the stomach. What had happened to Blaine to do this to him?

“Blaine? Please, come sit with me for a moment. Would that be okay?” Suddenly it was more important for Blaine to know he could carry on than it was for Kurt to get closure.

Blaine shrugged his shoulders, then reluctantly nodded his head. Kurt took his hand and walked into his bedroom. He hadnt thought about how that would look to Blaine and glanced up to see shock on his exs face.

“Oh...no, I just wanted to talk and I didnt want to disturb Daniel. We can go into the kitchen and sit at the table if this is too much for you?” Kurt offered.

“No, its fine. It just took me by surprise, thats all,” Blaine said.

They sat down, Blaine in an armchair beside the bed and Kurt on the ottoman in front of it.

Once he settled, Blaine didnt know what to do with his hands - or even what they might talk about. He just sat, gazing into Kurts eyes and remembered what he gave up the day he left. Since that day, hed never felt a moments peace.

“Blaine, I know I have no right to say any of this to you. I know we have been apart for years and I know that was my fault, too. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was, I wanted you to know it was my failure, not your own that caused the rift between us,” Kurt stopped to gather courage to go on, but it wouldnt come. He had mourned this union for so long, he had no way to let it go. His eyes sought out Blaines once again and saw tears filling them.

“Oh, Blaine, dont cry, honey. Please, dont cry,” Kurt begged. After all this, he couldnt take Blaines tears.

“Kurt, it wasnt all your fault. Not at all. Im the one who ran. You know all those times when we first met at Dalton? When I sent you a text that just said, COURAGE? Well, I was the one who really needed it. I was so afraid back then. I had run from the bullies at my school, the ones who beat the crap out of me at the Sadie Hawkins dance. I couldnt protect my friend or myself that night and I ran. Then there was the failed Gap Attack. I tried to get that kid to notice me using the Warblers because I was too afraid to just ask him.

“I had such a crush on you, Kurt, but I couldnt tell you. I was so fearful of everything back then. I had no right to tell you that you needed courage, Kurt. You had it in spades and I couldnt see that. It was my fault that Karofsky kissed you – I egged you on, telling you to face your fears when I had no intention of facing my own,” Blaine said, his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.

“Oh, Blaine, dont blame yourself. I did that. I confronted Karofsky, I didnt give him a choice. I never blamed you for that. You have to believe me – I never blamed you,” Kurt told him, reaching his hand over to squeeze Blaines knee.

“I was always scared of something, though,” Blaine went on. “Afraid to tell you I loved you, afraid to be alone when you came to New York ahead of me. Afraid you would leave me, that you were done with me? I did all that. I didnt deserve you,” Blaine said.

“Oh, I think we deserved each other. We were both at fault. I was so enthralled with myself in New York – I felt as if graduating from McKinley gave me some kind of right to live a new life. Although I loved you, Blaine, what I did was wrong. I ignored you. I had not found another man – I had found myself and I wasnt willing to share that new thing with anyone. You understand what I mean? My dad would say I was too big for my britches. Thank heaven I came to my senses and we got back together,” Kurt said, thinking of the hurt they did to each other on the spur of the moment and all the months it took to mend their relationship.

“But...when I left you that night, it was mean and underhanded and you didnt deserve it. I stole away like some thief in the night. I never gave you a chance to talk over the problems. I ran. Again. It was wrong, and I am so sorry,” Blaine whispered, covering his mouth as sobs came out.

Kurt didnt know what to say. In a way, Blaine was right. He did sneak away, leaving Kurt no explanation, no closure. It was not fair.

They sat in the room as the sun went down, neither one shifting from their seat, neither one meeting the eyes of the other. Kurt heard a sound and stood up, putting up a finger to ask Blaine to wait a minute, then he walked into the living room. Daniel was still sound asleep. Kurt came back.

“Your son is still asleep. Do you think we can talk now? I mean we dont have anything together except a lot of history, but maybe it would do both of us some good to try and make it - I dont know...okay between us?” Kurt asked.

“Yeah, maybe. It couldnt feel any worse...” Blaine lamented. “Kurt, when I left you all I wanted to do was die.”