Darren and Joey sat side by side on the Hogwarts Express, both grinning from ear to ear.  Against all laws of the known universe, they'd somehow gone from Kings Cross Station, to what looked like a set from A Very Potter Sequel, to an actual steam train chugging north through the English countryside.  From the moment they'd taken their seats, both Darren and Joey had been unconsciously humming the same tune, and suddenly they broke out in song:     

We gotta get back to Hogwarts

We gotta get back to school

We gotta get back to Hogwarts

Where everything is magic-coooool

Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts

To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts

Its all that I love, and its all that I need 

At Hogwarts, Hogwarts

I think were going back...

Their song was interrupted when their compartment door opened, revealing Lauren Lopez dressed up as Draco Malfoy.  She sang:

This year, you bet, gonna get outta here

The reign of Malfoy is drawing near

Ill have the greatest wizard career

Its gonna be totally awesome!

Look out world, for the dawn of the day

When everyone will do whatever I say

And Potter wont be in my way,

Then Ill be the one who is totally awesome!

Darren stood up, and stepped forward to pull her into a hug.  “Lauren!  It's great to see you!  How've you been?”

Lauren pushed him away with a disdainful sneer.  “Who are you calling Lauren?!  I'm Draco Malfoy!  Lauren's a girl's name, and I'm no girl.  You're the girl!”

If Draco thought that Darren would take being called a girl as an insult, he was wildly mistaken.  Instead, being Darren, he took it as a song cue:

I am

The coolest girl

In the whole wide world

I know it, but cant show it at all

I am

Sick and tired

Of low, not higher

Places, where I should belong

Its about time I proved them wrong

So give me a shot

To show what Ive got

Im a hell of a whole lot more

Than this frizzy hair

These frumpy clothes I wear

Though I rock em like

Nobody youve seen before

Cause I am

The coolest girl

In the whole wide world

I know it, below it all

I am

Done with losing

On with choosing

The coolest girl on the face of the planet

The coolest bitch on Earth, goddammit 

The coolest chick youve ever seen or heard!

So you can try to bring me down

Sorry guys, Im sticking around!

Ive thought about it, and Ive found

That I am

The coooooooolest girl

I'm the coolest girl

Bonnie Gruesen entered the compartment, looking annoyed.  “Hey!  That's supposed to be my song!”

Darren gave her an apologetic smile.  “Sorry, Bonnie.  I couldn't resist.”

“I'm not Bonnie,” she huffed.  “My name's Hermione Granger.”  Then she did a double-take.  “Jiminy Cricket — you're Harry Potter!  I'm such a big fan.  Say, uh, would you sign my petition?  I'm collecting signatures for house elf suffrage.”

Darren scrawled his name on her petition, remembering at the last second to write “Harry Potter” rather than “Darren Criss.”

Once he and Joey were again alone in the compartment, Darren said, “That girl looked exactly like Bonnie, but I don't think she was kidding when she said she was Hermione.”

“I know.  It was weird.  I figured Lauren was just messing with us, staying in character as Draco.  But Bonnie's not even gonna do A Very Potter Senior Year with us, so why would she be playing Hermione now?”

“Maybe this is like what happened with The Land of Stories.  When Chris and I ended up in the fairytale world, all of the people we met looked exactly like our costars from the Glee cast, but it turned out that they were this crazy mash-up of the Glee characters and the characters Chris had written about in his book.”

“So you think that all of the people on this train just look like StarKids, but they're really the characters from Harry Potter?”

“Well, maybe not from the actual Harry Potter books.  More like the versions from our shows.” 

“And they think you're really Harry Freakin' Potter, and I'm really Ron?”

“Seems like it.”

“Awesome!”

…

Once they'd arrived at Hogwarts and been sorted into their houses — Darren and Joey obviously being put into Gryffindor as Harry and Ron — the new students started to sit down.  They were stopped by Professor Snape (looking exactly like Joe Moses) who called out, “Wait!  Your sorting isn't done yet.  When I call your name, you must step forward to be judged by the Scarf of Sexual Preference.”

A slight figure, completely shrouded in black, held up a rainbow scarf with button eyes and a smiling puppet-mouth.  As Professor Snape called their names one by one, the scarf wrapped around each student's neck and made its pronouncements in Nick Lang's voice:

Cho Chang — “Straight.”

Dean Thomas — “Gay.”

Seamus Finnegan — “Going through a phase.”

Lavender Brown — “Bisexual.”

Cedric Digory — “Metrosexual.”

Luna Lovegood — “Pansexual.”

Draco Malfoy — “Questioning.”

Vincent Crabbe — “Asexual.”

Gregory Goyle — “Necrophiliac.”

Pansy Parkinson — “Clearly a pansy.”

Neville Longbottom — “Obviously a bottom.”

Hermione Granger — “Waiting 'til marriage.”

Harry Potter — “Colfer-sexual.”

Ron Weasley — “Colfer-curious.”

Darren gave Joey a long look at that last revelation, and Joey blushed.  “Hey — you can't blame a guy for thinking about it…”

Before Darren could respond, Professor Dumbledore (looking and sounding exactly like Dylan Saunders) strode forward, belting out:

Welcommmmmmmmmmmmmmme... 

All of you to Hogwarts

I welcome all of you to school

Did you know that here at Hogwarts

Weve got a hidden swimming pool?

Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts

Welcome, hotties, nerds, and tools

Now that Ive got you here at Hogwarts

Id like to go over just a couple of rules...

He continued, speaking, “During your time at Hogwarts, your house will be like your family — warring families who all hate each other, and violently compete for this: a cup.”

Professor Snape held up a showy gold cup.

“Look at that cup!” Goyle rasped in Jim Povolo's ridiculously deep voice.  “I'd feed myself to Aragog's children for that cup!”

Joey delivered Ron's line.  “I'd kill for that cup!”

Darren, in his Harry persona, yelled, “That cup is ours, Slytherin.  You're gonna die!”

Dumbledore silenced them.  “Don't kill each other in the Great Hall.  You have to wait to do that in the House Cup Tournament.  Here to introduce it is our new professor of the Dark Arts — Professor Quirrel.”

Darren and Joey had to struggle not to burst out laughing as Quirrel appeared — looking just like Brian Rosenthal wearing oversized robes and a turban to hide the fact that Joe Walker (aka Lord Voldemort) was pressed up against his back. 

Quirrel began to explain, “One champion from each of the four houses will complete a series of dangerous tasks.”

Hermione interrupted.  “Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after the first semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.”

“Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.”

“I don't think you heard me.  I just said somebody died!”

Dumbledore cut her off.  “Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth, and quit interrupting.  For the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumb-ass sometimes.”

Quirrel continued, “Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come.  And, as Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to —”

“Aaaachooo!”

Dumbledore gave Quirrel a funny look.  “Did your turban just sneeze?”

“What?  No!”

“I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving.”

“That was simply a fart.  Excuse me.  I must be going.”  Quirrel hurried away as well as he could, which wasn't particularly quickly, since there was another body attached to his back.  Sneezing sounds could still be heard coming from the back of his head.

Choosing to ignore this, Dumbledore announced, “In accordance with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each house will be selected to compete.  So, Snape, will you do us the honors please?

“Yes, headmaster,” Snape said, bringing out the Goblet of Fire from which to draw the names of the chosen students.  “First, from the Ravenclaw house, Cho Chang!”

“Oh my gosh, Ive won, I can't believe I won!” Cho gushed.

“Next, from Hufflepuff, Cedric Digory.”

“Well, I don't find this surprising at all,” Cedric said, with a smarmy smile.

“Next, from the Slytherin house, Draco Malfoy.”

“OH! I've finally beaten you, haven't I, Potter?” Draco gloated.  “What do you think of that, huh?  Im the champion this time!”

“Draco, would you sit down, you little shit,” Dumbledore snapped.  “Champion's just a title!”

“And finally, from the Gryffindor house… Oh my, well isn't this curious?” Snape said with an oily voice.  “The only person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is now in a tournament where he may lose his life…  It's Harry Potter.”

Amidst all of the cheers and congratulations, Darren felt a small frisson of fear.  Just how real was this world he and Joey had landed in?