As he reaches for his mobile phone, he realizes that his hands are shaking. Maybe it’s the stress, maybe it’s just that all the work is driving him insane, but then why has he seen those things? Nothing of what he saw has ever happened, has it? He wants to call someone, Rachel, Quinn or Mercedes, but a small voice right at the back of his mind tells him that he shouldn’t.

Kurt knows he should go back to work, but pain, the sudden anger he was feeling is still there, hidden somewhere. His heart has gained weight because of it. He remains there, clutching his mobile, holding onto it as you hold on a lifeline.

///

Blaine is waiting for the bus to take him to work when Jeremiah walks up to him. He pulls his scarf up to cover his mouth and stuffs his hands deeper into the pockets of his too big coat. He looks at Jeremiah as he approaches and all he can think of are Kurt’s freckles and the tiny lines that blossom at the corners of his eyes when he smiles.

Kurt is something that he hasn’t been expecting- he used to believe in romance and love at first sight when he was back in high school, but as years slipped by he had come to believe that maybe something like that didn’t exist. He has hoped so many times that he could connect with someone deeper than sex and deeper than simple affection, but every time his heart remained silent.

He met Jeremiah just a month before; he had appeared at the coffee shop and asked out of the blue if they could go out together. Blaine had been taken aback and he was about to refuse, when Jeremiah had leaned forward and whispered right into his ear, “You’d make me the happiest person on Earth.” It was cheesy, but it had switched something inside of him; the soft sensation of a memory sliding over his skin, but he hadn’t been able to grab it.

Despite that small moment, though, being around Jeremiah is no different from what Blaine has experienced with his previous relationships- if he can even call them that. Nothing clicks when they kiss and when Jeremiah tries to touch him- it makes Blaine feel uncomfortable in his own skin. That’s why Blaine has kept the distance and fought so hard for his own space. He knows he has stuck around the other guy because of the loneliness settled right at the center of him like a black hole. But now things are different; it’s simply that he doesn’t know how to put an end to this without hurting the other man.

“Hey.”

Blaine tries to smile, but he is positively sure that it came out more like a grimace than anything else.

“Hi.”

“So, uhm…I came by last night, but you weren’t at home.”

Blaine swallows; he opens his mouth to speak, but Jeremiah is already rummaging in his backpack and fishing out something wrapped in red paper.

“Nevermind! Here, I brought you a present.”

Blaine stiffens; why do things have to be so difficult?

“W-What is it?”

Jeremiah blinks, his mouth opening and closing, before he whispers something that Blaine struggles to get.

“Well…I don’t know…”

Blaine tilts his head to the side not understanding what the other man is getting at.

“Just…just open it.”

Sighing, Blaine complies. It’s a blue notebook, one of those handmade ones. It’s beautiful and Blaine doesn’t know what to say.

“I…”

The sound of the bus approaching reaches his ears and Blaine can’t help feeling relieved.

“I…I’ve to go, sorry. Thank you, though, this is…beautiful.”

Jeremiah beams at him and Blaine has to avert his gaze because he can’t help comparing Jeremiah’s smile with Kurt’s. He quickly climbs on the bus without looking back.

While he sits on the bus, he runs a finger over the leather of the cover and a dull ache settles around his heart. It’s similar to what he felt when he was a kid and his grandmother had died, a longing deep and constant. He wonders what he is missing so much that it hurts.

As he closes his eyes against the sensation, those words echo again in his mind, “You’d make me the happiest person on Earth”. He has to gulp down air when a flash of Kurt’s grey eyes crosses his thoughts, scattering them all around.

///

Kurt knows that going out with Blaine tonight is a horrible idea. Everything is still so messed up inside his head- it had never happened to him; well who the hell gets visions for real? Wasn’t that supposed to be something that happened only in movies or books? Maybe he is going crazy? How on Earth can you have memories of something that you didn’t experience?

His feet keep moving on their own accord as he paces back and forth in his living room. There’s this need to see Blaine, settled deep inside his bones, and he can’t shake it off no matter what. Even though after what he has seen- the taste of fear and sorrow still a faint echo at the back of his throat- he isn’t sure of how he might react to being around the other man.

*

He spends the whole ride on the subway staring at the dark walls of the tunnels speed by outside of the windows. Anxiety bubbles up in his stomach; he wants nothing more than rewinding time and going back to how things were in the morning when he woke up beside Blaine and everything felt perfect.

Maybe perfection is something that he is not supposed to experience, he thinks bitterly as the train starts to slow down approaching his stop. He shakes his head, knowing that he is being ridiculous, worrying so much about something that isn’t real.

*

Blaine is waiting for him in front of a small Italian restaurant; Kurt spots him easily, dark curls and easy smile. Something knots up right behind his lungs and he wonders if maybe he can still turn and run away.

“Hey.”

Blaine’s smooth and gentle voice grounds him, though, and Kurt allows himself to think that maybe things could be alright. He takes a step back when Blaine moves forward to kiss him; even though it feels so wrong he can’t help it.

They sit in front of each other and Kurt doesn’t know what to do with his hands; he sets them on the tablecloth, but when Blaine is about to reach out to entwine their fingers together Kurt drops them back on his lap. He has never felt like this around the other man, so unsure about what he is supposed to do or say. It’s unsettling and it makes him want to scream.

“Kurt? Are you alright?”

Kurt lifts his gaze and forces himself to look at Blaine in the eyes.

“I…I’m fine, yes.”

Blaine chews at his lower lip and Kurt knows that he can see right through his fake smile. He hates that Blaine manages to do that because he feels so exposed and at the same time it sends butterflies twirling in his stomach because he has never met someone who could do that, who could see what he keeps inside so easily.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

Blaine lays his hand on the table cloth, keeping his palm up, and Kurt knows that he is waiting for him to take his hand, but he just can’t and it pains him to realize it.

“I…I don’t know.”

He wishes he hadn’t seen the flash of hurt in Blaine’s eyes.

“Did…did I do something wrong?”

And Blaine’s voice is so low and broken that Kurt wants to punch himself. Why can’t he react differently, why does he have to give so much meaning to a stupid hallucination?

“No, Blaine, you didn’t do anything wrong I swear!”

Blaine swallows and stiffens in his chair, dragging his hand closer to his body.

“Then why do I feel as though I’ve lost you?”

Kurt opens and closes his mouth. Why do I feel like we have already lost each other?

“Look, I…I can’t explain it, I don’t understand it either, I…”

His lungs feel too tight to breathe properly and all of sudden he knows what he has to do with striking clarity.

“I’m really sorry, Blaine. I have to go.”

He feels like an asshole but he can’t bring himself to wait for an answer; he simply stands up and flees out of the restaurant.

His lungs burn all the way back to the subway’s station; only when he is finally seated on the train does he allows the tears to fall. Confusion and longing tangle up inside him.

Once at home, he doesn’t think twice before taking a bottle of wine out of the kitchen cabinet and opening it. He usually doesn’t drink, at least not alone, wearing his pajamas and sitting on the couch in his dark living room. He is grateful for the strong taste of alcohol in his mouth, for the warmth spreading through his body, though.

He keeps drinking until his sight blurs slightly and what he sees is not his living room anymore.

“Why do you have to always be like this!”

Blaine’s eyes are flashing with anger, his fist balled at his sides.

“Like what?”

“So uptight, so worried about projects and future, not giving a shit about us!”

Kurt feels his blood boil along his veins as he takes a step forward, his voice high when he speaks.

“If you haven’t noticed I worry because I do give a shit about us!”

“Then why do I keep having the sensation that I’ve lost you? Lost you to your stupid job and to your stupid jealousy!”

Kurt does his best to push the thought of Sebastian aside. Even though he feels like screaming at Blaine until his voice is raw, he doesn’t want to fight over him.

“It’s not about that, and you know it, Blaine! It’s about priorities and getting real, because you can’t keep dreaming about a future with music! You’re not a teenager anymore!”

Blaine’s voice is low when he speaks again.

“Alright, then. We have really lost each other!.”

Blaine takes his coat and slams the door behind his back; Kurt stands there, his chest rising and falling fast and his heart thundering in his ears.

Kurt blinks, his fingers too weak to hold his glass, and it falls on the couch with a dull thud. He doesn’t understand why it is happening; the only thing that he knows is that it hurts.

He buries his face in his hands and lets his body shake with the force of his sobs.

///

Blaine stares at the empty space where Kurt was sitting; something flexes around his heart. He isn’t surprised to find that it hurts like hell.

Once he is back at home he buries himself under the covers, the smell of Kurt still lingering around him. He want to cry and to scream and to be brave enough to pick up the phone and call him. For an instant he has the sensation that he knows this feeling, this fear of having lost Kurt for real. He shakes his head, his heart heavy in his chest.

When his phone buzzes he almost jumps off the bed, his heart slamming against his ribcage over and over. The disappointment when he sees Jeremiah’s name flashing on the screen is almost unbearable; it settles coldly at the bottom of his stomach.

Without thinking twice Blaine throws his mobile away; he watches as it flies across the room before hitting the wall. He doesn’t even try to stop the tears; he feels as though he hasn’t cried in so long.

He falls asleep with his clothes still on and dry tears on his cheeks.

Blaine can’t believe his own ears.

“Y-you want me to live here with you?”

“You’d make me the happiest person on Earth.”

Blaine throws his arms around Kurt’s neck and hugs him tight.

“You already make me the happiest person in the whole freaking universe!”