Chapter 30

“I don't think it's normal for him to cry this much,” Blaine said, desperation starting to creep into his voice.

Kurt grunted from where he was standing in front of the coffee machine. Blaine had just managed to put Oliver to sleep in time for Kurt's alarm to remind him that he had to be a functioning member of society that day. He was definitely going to need more than his regular caffeine hit to make it through the day.

“And I'm doing everything I can, but he doesn't want to be fed, or changed, or anything. I just don't know what he needs from me.”

Kurt gave what he hoped was a sound of understanding as he watched as coffee slowly began to drip from the machine.

“Kurt,” Blaine said, and the irritation in Blaine's voice made him look up.

“What?” he asked, trying not to match Blaine's impatient tone.

“I'm really worried here,” Blaine said, and now Kurt could hear the desperation in his voice. “Are you even listening?”

Kurt suddenly felt terrible when he noticed Blaine's eyes were slowly filling with unshed tears.

“No, honey, please, I'm listening,” Kurt said, and he felt guilty again for how much his words were just in the interest of avoiding a fight. He needed to leave for work in 15 minutes, and he hadn't even had a sip of coffee yet.

He could clearly see that Blaine's sleep deprivation and worry were getting to him, and to be honest, he felt the same way. He felt so helpless when Oliver's cries wouldn't quieten, and Blaine continued to insist that he take all the night shifts because Kurt had to be up early for work. Kurt tried not to think of how pointless that was when there was no way that he was able to sleep through the cries anyway.

 “I'm sorry,” Blaine said, hurriedly wiping away the quickly falling tears. “I think I'm just worn out.”

Kurt sighed. “Blaine, if you need me to take care of him tonight, and you can get a full night's sleep-“ he started, but Blaine interrupted him at once.

“No,” he said firmly, “You have to get up early for work, you can't sit up half the night, and I'm perfectly capable.”

Kurt tried to interrupt, “I'm not saying you're not capable, just that maybe-“ but Blaine lifted a hand to stop him.

“I'll call the pediatrician tomorrow if it's still this bad. For now I'll just… take a nap or something. I'll be fine.”

Kurt wanted to say something else, but Blaine got up and headed to pour his own cup of coffee as the machine behind him clicked off.

After Kurt had filled his own travel mug, he made his way into the nursery and over to the crib, where Oliver was sleeping soundly. Looking down at the sleeping baby, he felt his heart twist the way it always did when he looked at him. He was so small and fragile, delicate in a way that Kurt could hardly understand. The weeks had eradicated some of the fear that Kurt had over looking after Oliver, but he was so rarely alone with the baby that he still felt trepidation at the thought of making a mistake and hurting him.

He reached out a hand and ran the back of his finger over Oliver's soft tuft of hair.

“See you later, little man,” he said quietly. “Try not to give your dad too hard a time, huh?”

Kurt had expected a slower day after making some progress to get ahead the day before, but he was proven wrong almost immediately when he arrived to find that the samples they had been working with were now being pulled in favor of a new designer's latest whim. His team was now faced with all the logistics of the change, and Kurt was so furious that he refused to admit that he would have made the same call if it were up to him.

The stress left Kurt wound tight, and he knew his team was taking the brunt of it. They, in turn, were quick to start taking out their frustrations on each other. By the time he left the office that night, it was well past the time he usually arrived home.

When Kurt unlocked the door to the apartment, he was surprised to find Blaine still up and sitting on the couch with a mindless sitcom playing on the muted television. Blaine greeted him when he looked up, but made no move to get up from his exhausted slump on the couch, and Kurt couldn't summon the energy to offer more than a cursory greeting in return. He made his way to the fridge, opening it, then closing it sharply when he realized there was nothing in it that could be microwaved into anything edible.

“You're back late. Where were you?” Blaine's question was obviously meant to be harmless, but the remainder of his irritability made Kurt's answer harsher than he intended.

“I had a lot of work.” Blaine raised his eyebrows at Kurt's tone, but otherwise did not comment.

“Didn't you eat already?” Blaine asked, when Kurt took out a loaf of bread instead, and started cutting it into slices.

“No, I just told you,” Kurt said, and he knew his tone was too harsh, but he couldn't stop himself. “I was working.”

“Okay,” Blaine said, but his voice was harder now in response to Kurt's own. “I just thought you might have called out for something.”

“I didn't have time, Blaine,” Kurt snapped, but then brought his hand up to the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shit against the migraine that was slowly making its way up his temples. “God, sorry,” he said, trying to calm himself. It wasn't Blaine's fault he'd had a bad day at work. “Just… It was a long day. I'm exhausted.”

When Kurt looked up, he could see the confusion and hurt in Blaine's eyes, but he closed off a second later.

“It's okay, I know the feeling. Another early night, I guess?” Blaine said patiently.

Kurt smiled in gratitude. “Yeah, you go ahead, I'll be there in a minute.” He gestured to the half made sandwich in front of him, and Blaine nodded before heading towards the bedroom.

Kurt's sandwich was less than satisfying after his long day, but Kurt was grateful to be able to crawl into bed and forget everything that had happened that day. Blaine was already asleep, but Kurt smiled at the way that he unconsciously snuggled into Kurt's warmth when he wrapped an arm over his side, the guilt over his short temper earlier rising up uncomfortably in the face of Blaine's unconscious trust.

Blaine had obviously been waiting up for him to arrive home, and he felt terrible that most of the time they'd spent together lately was spent sleeping. He was so stressed, but his boyfriend was so exhausted that Kurt felt bad bringing up his work struggles. They seemed like they belonged to a different world when Kurt arrived home and was faced with all new problems, like how they were going to get Oliver to stop fussing long enough to eat, or sleep. Packed on top of each other they seemed so overwhelming. Kurt had to close his eyes against the rush of anxiety that he felt just thinking about how he was going to cope the next day.

He was doing the best he could at work, considering. He'd find a new swing eventually, a way to get back to his previous standards. He always did. Even in high school, Kurt found each new struggle an opportunity to prove himself the best. He just needed a little more time to figure out exactly how he was going to do that.

And his relationship with Blaine would start moving forward again in time, once they found a way to help Oliver and get him on a proper sleeping schedule. If Blaine would just let Kurt help, just try…

Despite his exhaustion, Kurt struggled to fall asleep that night, and it felt as though he'd been out for only a minute before the sounds of crying reached his ears through the monitor. It wasn't soft, but when he jolted awake, he could hear Blaine's soft breathing telling him that he'd managed to sleep through it for once. Kurt made a snap decision, and quickly turned the monitor off, crawling out from Blaine's grip. He closed the bedroom door quietly behind him as he made his way to the kitchen to make up a bottle, following the procedure he'd watched Blaine follow before.

Kurt could hardly remember a time when Blaine had been able to get a decent night's sleep, and Kurt felt a surge of anticipation at how thankful Blaine would be when he realized that Kurt could help him out with midnight feedings. How proud he might be that Kurt was competent enough to be of some assistance. And it might make up for what a pain Kurt had been lately.

Oliver's face was already turning red with his little cries when Kurt entered the nursery, and Kurt carefully pulled him into his chest, rocking him a little as he made soothing noises around a yawn.

Kurt sat down in the plush chair in the corner, and offered Oliver the bottle. Feeding Oliver was one of the only things Blaine would happily allow Kurt to do from time to time, admitting that he didn't feel quite as guilty as if Kurt had to change diapers, despite how often Kurt told him that he honestly didn't mind doing it. This familiar action seemed to sooth Oliver as he looked up at Kurt with big trusting eyes. After a while, his eyelids started to drop, and he was asleep again.

Kurt tried not to jostle the baby as he placed him back into his crib, and moved quietly back to the door. He was just pulling it closed behind himself again when Blaine appeared in the hallway.

“What are you doing?” he asked, and Kurt could hear an odd tone in his voice. “Did you turn the monitor off?”

“Yeah,” Kurt said with a smile, “I thought you could use the sleep, and I didn't mind doing it-“

“Kurt,” Blaine said, and Kurt could hear the unmistakable sound of frustration in his tone. “I told you, I didn't want you getting up in the night for him, that's my responsibility, and I don't want you to have to-“

“Blaine, it was no big deal,” Kurt said, soothingly. “I just gave him a bottle and he went straight back to sleep-“

“What?” Blaine interrupted, and his voice was definitely stonier now. 

“Like I said, it was no big deal.”

“No, what do you mean he went straight back to sleep? He hasn't gone down straight after a feeding in a week, how did you-?” But now tears were filling Blaine's eyes.

“I just rocked him,” Kurt said, and he was lost. Now he thought about it, surely that process had happened much too easily. When Blaine got up for a feeding, he was gone for hours, sometimes not even returning to bed that night. 

“I've rocked him! Sung, burped him, held him in a million different positions meant to help him sleep, and nothing worked.” Blaine was yelling now, but Kurt's mind seemed to be working at half speed. This was the opposite of what was meant to happen. Why couldn't Blaine see that this was a triumph? This was the moment when Kurt had proven himself capable of doing something more than just holding Oliver while Blaine fixed his bottle or grabbed his diaper bag.

Kurt's voice was rising in response, and his temper, so close to the surface nowadays, rose again. “Blaine, why are you upset, isn't this a good thing?”

But Blaine didn't seem to be listening to him. “I'm his dad, why can't I get him to go down, and you just walk in-“

Kurt stopped short. Was Blaine… jealous? “What? Blaine, this is ridiculous,” and Kurt wanted to laugh, because it was. Oliver had gone down on his own, it's not like Kurt had done some difficult feat to make it happen.

But Blaine didn't seem to get it, because he continued. “No, it's not! God, I'm the one who's meant to be doing this!”

At the familiar argument, Kurt's anger returned full force. “Blaine, I just managed to get Oliver down so we might have the first good night sleep this week, and instead you want to pick a fight because you didn't get to do it? Can't you just be happy for me? I finally managed to help out-“

“But that's the point!” Blaine ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “You weren't meant to be doing this; I was! You've got a job to worry about, and a kid who's not even your responsibility, you shouldn't have to get up at all hours of the night-“

“I want to, Blaine! You say that you want to let me into your lives, but when Oliver cries you won't even let me help out? God, I thought that we were meant to be moving forward in our relationship, that we'd start acting more like a family, but you freak out if I even hold Oliver without your supervision!”

“That is so unfair, I never said you-“

But Kurt had had enough. He'd had a crap day of work on top of a week of sleepless nights, and now Blaine was jealous over something that wasn't even Kurt's fault. He couldn't stop the words from tumbling out; all his fear and frustrations erupting at once. “And God, I need to do something around here, I need one area of my life that I'm not fucking up right now!”

Blaine's voice was quieter now. “What?”

Kurt paid no attention to the change in Blaine's tone, his words coming faster now. “Marcia threatened to add John to my project because I'm too distracted and goddamn exhausted to run the team! They're stressed out and our work is sloppy, and I know they're all blaming me. I mean, they should be, it's my responsibility.”

Blaine's voice was still quiet when he spoke, “This is what I mean. I told you that I didn't want this getting in the way of your life. How do you think you saying that makes me feel? That Oliver and I might be causing problems for you at work?”

“That's not what I meant!” Kurt let out a hard breath. “It's not you… and God, it's not Oliver's fault, he's just a baby.” The adrenaline that was coursing through Kurt's body a moment ago suddenly seemed depleted and he felt his exhaustion returning. “God, what are we even fighting about?” It was the middle of the night and they were having a screaming match down the hall from a sleeping baby. It had escalated so quickly.  

He covered his face with his hands and turned away from the closed off expression on Blaine's face. When did he become the type of person who let all his worries overwhelm him to the point he felt like he needed to scream to be heard? “I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not the type of person who screws up like this.”

“Kurt, I think you should stay at your place tonight.”

Kurt's head snapped up to look at Blaine again. “What? No, it was just a stupid fight, it's the middle of the night and we're both tired-“ but he was cut off by Blaine's calm voice.

“I'm not kicking you out, Kurt.” He sighed, but his posture told Kurt he wasn't going to be backing down. Kurt struggled to meet Blaine's eyes, not wanting him to see how rapidly they were filling with tears. “You're right. It's the middle of the night, we're sleep deprived, and I think we need some time to think about this. It's not working.”

“What's not working?” Kurt said, hating how thick his voice sounded even to his own ears.

“Kurt, you just said you don't feel like you know yourself anymore. Do you know how that makes me feel? This is just… It's too much pressure.” He took a deep breath, but when he spoke, his voice was steady. “When was the last time that we even sat down and talked. God, I didn't even know you were having problems at work! We need to think about this.”

“Think about what, this is nothing, I was just trying to help,” but Blaine cut him off again.

“I need to think, Kurt,” he said, and nausea was rising in Kurt at the infliction. “I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, and I think I just need some space.”

“But I love you,” Kurt said, and damn, he didn't want to cry.

“I love you, too,” Blaine said, and now Kurt could clearly hear the pain behind the careful mask of his face. “Go get some sleep. We'll talk tomorrow.” 

Kurt felt himself following the instructions automatically, but the anger and hurt coursing through him slam the door shut behind him.

When Kurt unlocked his apartment and walked inside, it felt as though a lifetime had passed since he'd lived there. The calm quiet of his apartment mocked him. When he fell onto the crisp, cold bed sheets in the absolute silence of his bedroom, all he could think about was the warm embrace that was only across the hall, yet so far away.