Chapter 4:

My dreams have no color in them. No people. My dreams were just full of darkness, it wasnt the kind of darkness where youre having a nightmare, but it was more like I was sleeping. The only thing I ever really heard was a constant beeping noise. Like the heart beat monitor from hospitals and stuff. My mind seemed to be more clearer when I was asleep, like I was out of a dream and finally living.

Can you feel my hand? Can you feel anything? Please squeeze my hand, Im begging you. Squeeze my hand so I can tell the doctor youre alright.

But it was a nightmare I was having. The voices in my head had names, personalities, and feeling. It felt like my brain was trying to write a book, and I didnt know how to put the words on paper.

Why do you have to do this to me? I cant just leave-

Its over Mr-

I didnt catch the persons last name.

No no, you cant do that to him!

Im so sorry.

Come on- we have to go. Youve said goodbye.

"Blaine! Blaine wake up!"

I awoke from the nightmare I was stuck in.

No! No! No! No!

My mind was making noises, my brain felt foggy. My eyes didnt feel like they were in my head.

"Kurt." I grabbed his shoulder, steadying myself.

Im so sorry, please you just have to off the bed.

You cant keep him here forever, in this pain of living and death!

"Kurt." I repeated, he held onto me, keeping me up, making me stand. I could feel the sweat heading down my face, my body, running into my eyes and soaking my shirt.

The beeping in my head was getting louder, the cries were getting louder, screams filled my head. Sounds, only sounds, and a blurry Kurt standing in front of me.

"Blaine. Blaine answer me."

"You sound like him." He didnt understand what I meant, but I knew. The voice in my head sounded like Kurts, the worry in it. I just didnt know why.

"Blaine, youve got to stay awake. Im calling Rachel."

You cant do this to him. Its not even been two months. Why? Dad? Why would you suggest this.

The beeping was screamed in my ears and I screamed with it. Not helping that my body was numb. I fell to the ground, my hands wrapped around my neck. I kept screamed, crying, sweating. Something was happening and I didnt know what.

"Blaine." I grabbed onto Kurt as he walked to me, I couldnt hear him well. But I felt more soothed. The beeping was softening and the screaming in my mind was quieting down.

Hes stable for now. I promise we wont listen to anyone, anymore, but you. You tell us when it can and will happen. Just remember, the longer you wait, the more pain youre putting onto him. The more pain youre causing him. Keeping him here.

I cried into Kurts shoulder. He was so confused, he didnt know anything that was going on in my head. I felt like I was going crazy, I knew I couldnt hide this anymore.

"Blaine, Blaine look at me." He pulled my face up to look at his. His thumbs wiped the constant tears rushing down my face, like a waterfall. My mind was so vague, not telling me anything. I couldnt go to a doctor because they would send me to a therapist and then I would be in a mental hospital. The beeping was constant, and I wanted it to go away.

"Kurt, help me." I said, grabbing this wrist that were connected to my face. "Please help me." His eyes got all watery and he just stared at me. "I dont want to almost die again."

"I dont want you to either." His voice cracked and tears ran down his face. He brought me into a hug again, holding onto me like it was the last thing he would do in his life.

"I dont want to go back, but this is making want to." I knew he didnt understand what this was but he nodded anyway. My face buried into his neck, hiding from the world. I felt at home as weird as it is. I felt like I could stay in that position forever and no one could break us apart.

"Everythings going to be alright Blaine. Everythings going to be okay." He whispered, rubbing his hands up and down my back trying to comfort me.

"You going to be okay?" He brought me away from the hug, replacing his hands on my shoulders. I nodded, sniffling and smiling just a little. The beeping was still there, but not as present. It was, as if, it was turned down a few volume notches. Just a steady beating in the background. He stood up, picking up his cell phone from the ground.

"Do you want breakfast?" He asked, walking into the kitchen. He sounded so much like one of the voices in my dream, but I couldnt figure out why. I nodded to Kurt, as he pulled out a bowl and poured lucky charms in it. I felt like a child. He handed me the bowl, with the perfect amount of milk and a spoon.

You know how when some people give you cereal, they put in WAY to mud milk or way to little milk. Kurt knew the exact amount I liked, first off I have no idea how. But it was perfect.

"Thanks." I take the bowl from his hands, feeling the cold seep through my skin. He sat down next to me with a matching bowl and turned on the tv. I cuddled into the corner, taking half the blanket and leaving the other half for Kurt. We sat in a nice silence, the only noise was the TV playing.

We sat like that until noon, Rachel had called us earlier, saying she was going to Ohio to visit. So we sat in my apartment most of the day and watched cable. Living in one of the biggest cities in the country, I had no idea what I wanted to do. There was so much that you could do, that making the decision was hard. What do you do in New York that isnt popular? Nothing. Everything in New York City is popular and there are always tourist everywhere. No matter where you went, there would be at least one family wearing I HEART NYC t-shirts, and that one teenager that hated the trip, and that one five year old getting lost in Times Square. I found the five year old, and I was the teenager. Yet I moved here anyway, loving the action and movement of the city.

"Whatcha thinking about." Kurt poked me with his foot, realizing I zoned out of the movie we were watching.

"Nothing, just stuff." He nodded, the conversation was awkward, what would I do if I didnt have Kurt in my life. First off, I would be dead. Yeah, thats what would have happened. Even if he had saved me the first time, last night I was thinking about killing myself again, for the same reason! I dont know how long I could go before Kurt and Rachel both got worried. How long could I keep this secret when I didnt even know how to control it?

~

Nights always seemed like my world was crashing down around me. The volume grew much more than it should of. My brain had fights breaking out and shit going down and nothing seemed to fit in place. But Kurt was always there, by my side. Comforting me, hugging me, trying his best to calm me down. He seemed to always be there, Rachel was busy now. Her audition semmed to do the right thing and she got her part on Broadway. There was about a two week period of excitement for her before she had rehearsals and started ignoring us more. So it was me and Kurt, he was practically living in my apartment, since his was always empty.

We were sitting on the couch, my legs draped over Kurts, his hands rubbing up and down them out of habit. This seemed to be how our afternoons would play out, asking each other what they would like to do, and ending up doing nothing but watch re runs of old TV shows and movies that came on cable.

"Are you sure?"

"No."

"What do I have to do to help, he cant just be and lay here forever."

"No he cant, but give it a few more week."

The beeping was urging on, almost as if ur had to or it wouldnt get its week pay.

"No I cant, I want him to wake up but I also dont want to suffer him through whatever hes going through. What if hes already dead? I cant let the love of my life in this life between life and death just this in between torture."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. But please just give me a few more days before you do it. I want everyone to say goodbye."

"Of course.

I grabbed onto Kurts hand, clutching it tightly as I always had when the voices were present. It was a death grip onto his hand, my knuckles turning white as they kept speaking. Who of? I had no idea, but someone my brain obviously knew.

-I just want you to know I love you for ever--but I know I have to let you go sometime.

My hand clutched harder on Kurts his soothing words werent helping either. I felt like I was in hell.

"Blaine, you just need to lie down, come on." I grabbed onto his shoulder, burying my face in it.

I thought that someday we might have gotten married, had children, be a family and I dont know what Im going to do when youre gone.

Kurt ended up having to help me lay down on my bed, I shivered and didnt let of of his hand. He sat down next to me, helping me through it. I just wanted it to go away.

"Everythings okay Blaine, everythings going to be okay."

Everythings okay--Everythings going to be Okay.

I wanted to die. I wanted the voices to stop and I wanted to snuggle into sleep and never wake up, but I felt myself slipping and my hand loosening its grip on Kurts, but still there. I felt his free hand push back my sweaty hair, that had fallen from sweat. Thats what made my world go dark.

"I swear to god, I dont think I can do this."

"but you can."

"but I dont think I can. I love him, what am I going to do without him".

"I dont know, but well figure it out. just know that he loves you too, and that I do know he would want you to move on".

"I dont want to move on."

"but you have to! hes probably already gone, were just keeping him here because we dont want to really let him go."

"its okay, everythings going to be okay. "

it was dark, my dream, no light leaking through anything. no magical creatures, or even people. just voices. having conversations about a person I didnt know about. the beeping sound was louder now, in my dream, and I just wanted it to turn off. it was annoying, and this is what made me want to wake up.

"dont cry, everythings going to be okay."

I listened closely, wanted to recognize the voices, but I couldnt.

"what am I going to do after him? I love him! I dont want to do it."

"wait, dont go back."

"no I dont want to do it. I want the doctors to do everything they can to make him wake up."

"you cant do this to him. you cant keep him in this half life, half death stage."

"but he doesnt have to die. he can live, if he wakes up, he can live with Me, and we can have a family."

"I dont know if I can let you do this, this is your fiancé and you want to walk down the aisle with a sleeping man that we dont know will ever wake up?"

a door slammed, I knew it was a door, I felt like it was a door. I wanted to open my eyes, but they seemed glued shut. The beeping seemed to grow louder, ringing into my ears. It was louder and louder, seeming as if millions of other of the same machines were making the same noise. I heard a scream.

Then I woke up.