Chapter 5

***

Kurt was officially past tipsy. He had planned to stop at one beer, but then Candi had dared him to drink another, and another, and Kurt had gone along with it because he didn't want to talk about his first, or his last, kiss. Or any kiss, really.

But now he was definitely getting sloppy.

"CANDI!" he heard himself shout gleefully, shimmying his way over to his friend, who was doing something akin to headbanging in the small space that had been cleared for dancing.

"KUUUUUUUURT!!" Candi grinned with delight. "How many beers is that?"

Kurt glanced down, realizing that he had yet another beer in his hand. "Three. Four? Three," he decided. Any more than three would just be ridiculous.

"Someone's gonna get druunk toniiight!" Candi whooped, sounding quite pleased with herself.

"Drunk on three beers? Not likely," Kurt shook his head vigorously.

"You were drunk after the first one," Candi teased.

"I don't do drunk."

"You're sure not doing sober right now," she pointed out. "This could have all been avoided if you would have just told me about that kiss..."

"LET'S DANCE!" Kurt shouted, desperate to forget about him again. "But first, MORE BEER!"

This was going to be an interesting night.

***

Kurt squinted around the hazy room. He wasn't sure when someone had lugged in a smoke machine, but the visibility was pretty crappy now, and the fact that the room was slightly out-of-focus as he walked wasn't helping.

Kurt spotted a familiar head of strawberry-blonde hair, dancing good-naturedly with one of her roommates. "Olivia!"

Olivia turned around and smiled at Kurt. "Kurt! What's up?"

"Have you seen Candi? I think I losed her- lost her." Kurt giggled.

"Are you drunk? I thought Kurt Hummel was anti-alcohol?"

"Not the point. Where's Candi?"

"I haven't seen her since a few minutes after Isobel announced her raffle. Did she go to bid on it?"

Isobel's parties weren't just famous for the illegal alcohol- she almost always had some sort of raffle for some expensive theatre-y product. Tonight, it was tickets to a mystery show, on Broadway, of course.

"Maybe. I'll look by the raffle table. Thanks."

"Don't fall over!" Olivia called after him.

Kurt scoffed and turned around sharply, almost knocking into a couple of girls from across the hall.

Candi wasn't by the raffle table. She wasn't by the makeshift bar, either, or on the dance floor, which Kurt had checked again in case he had somehow missed her.

He was about to give up and go back to his dorm when he heard a loud scream. The entire room fell silent, except for the pounding music, which was quickly shut off when the sound of breaking glass rang through the room.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

Well, Kurt thought, he had certainly found Candi.

"It's not what it looks like!" A very shirtless Max came running out of Isobel's bedroom. Kurt set down his beer and straightened his shirt in spite of himself.

"So you're telling me that you weren't dry-humping the shit out of that bitch with your girlfriend in the next room less than a minute ago?" her voice had become eerily quiet, which Kurt knew meant that Candi was beyond pissed. He had only heard her use that tone once before, when one of her very-ex-friends had "borrowed" her new Tiffany earrings and accidentally lost one.

"I... it wasn't my idea!" Max protested, holding up his hands as though he was under arrest.

"It sure as hell wasn't my idea!!" Isobel came running from the room, buttoning her shirt as she did so.

Candi glared at her. "You can shut your fat mouth and never open it again in my presence, whore."

Max looked as though he wanted to say something, but before he had a chance, Candi turned and ran out of the room, stopping only to grab Kurt's beer off the table and fling it in Isobel's general direction.

***

"Candi! Candi! Wait up!" Kurt sprinted down the hallway, pushing the door open to find a red-faced Candi sitting on her bed with a pair of scissors and a handful of photos. Her face was streaked with tears.

"Hey," she glanced up. Her eyes were redder than her cheeks.

"Hey," Kurt said awkwardly. "You okay?"

"Fine. Terrific, really. I always knew Max was a douche. I just didn't think he'd have the nerve to cheat on me. With her." Another tear rolled down her cheek.

"Yeah, I know. But we knew Isobel was a bitch."

Candi nodded, tossing the scissors aside and ripping the next photo with her hands instead. She threw the pieces into the air, squinting up at the flurry of glossy photo paper. "Look. It's raining sluts."

"And tomorrow it should be partly cloudy with a 60% chance of revenge, if I know Candi Hartford," Kurt quipped.

Candi smirked. "Make that a 100% chance."

"Noted."

Candi glanced at the clock. "The raffle's soon. I was gonna win those tickets for me and Max. Shit," she sighed. What happened to that, huh? I hate parties."

Kurt didn't have the heart to correct her grammar tonight. "Me, too. I'm never drinking again. The room is still all hazy and weird."

"Better pick "truth" next time, then," Candi smiled weakly.

A thought occurred to Kurt. "Would it help if I answered that question for you?"

She considered. "Nah. You don't wanna talk about it, that's fine. I shouldn't have forced you."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, when suddenly, Kurt jumped up.

"What?"

"I just had a brilliant idea!"

"Shit, Kurt, you're the only drunk person I've ever met who still uses words like ‘brilliant' when he can't even walk in a straight line."

"No, seriously. I figured out how you're gonna get revenge. On Isobel, at least."

"Do tell."

"Can't. I don't have time. This has to happen now."

Candi looked intrigued. "What do I need to do?"

"Just sit tight and keep tearing up pictures. I'll be back in a second," Kurt informed her, slurring the words in his hurry to get out the door.

Or maybe it was the alcohol.

Either way, Operation: Brilliant was officially underway.

***

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead!" a cheery voice shouted in Kurt's ear, shoving him off the bed.

"Ow!! Stop screaming! My head feels like someone dropped bricks on it!"

"Is somebody a wittle hungover after his party exploits yesterday?" Candi asked in a mocking tone.

"I would've thought you'd still be in bed after last night, or else shaving Max's hair in his sleep," Kurt muttered, sitting up and putting his throbbing head in his hands.

"No need!" Candi announced happily. "I'm waiting for revenge on him. Dealing with Isobel's complaining is keeping him fairly occupied at the moment."

Kurt chuckled. "Told you it was genius."

"I think the word you used last night in your drunken stupor was ‘brilliant.'"

"Shut up," Kurt pushed her halfheartedly.

The door was pushed open and someone backed in, carrying a flatscreen television.

"Jake's back, by the way," Candi informed him belatedly.

"I can see that. Hey, Jake!"

"Hey, man! I heard there was a party I missed last night?"

Candi scoffed. "I wouldn't really call it much of a party. More like an excuse for Isobel to show off her rich father and hump other people's boyfriends."

Jake laughed. "Yeah, I heard about that, too."

Candi narrowed her eyes. "I wouldn't exactly call it funny."

"Oh, c'mon, Candi. I'm sure you got them back, so just call it even and relax."

"Yeah, like you'd be that chill if you and your boyfriend broke up."

"Actually, I dumped him over break," Jake admitted. "Long-distance wasn't really working out."

Kurt pouted. "Sorry to hear it, Jake."

"Yeah, well. He was sad. But we're still friends, so that's something we've got over Candi and Max, right?"

Candi shoved him good-naturedly, then went to retrieve some of the remaining boxes while Kurt downed a couple Tylenol for his headache.

***

"You know what looks lovely with a little white dress? A little black suit!" Candi barged into Kurt's room excitedly the next night, not bothering to knock.

"Hello to you too, Candi," Kurt looked up from his laptop, where he had been typing up a last minute report on the Chekhovian method for his Advanced Acting course. Classes started tomorrow, and he had found himself with a ton of half-finished work to do. Oops.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Candi slid open Kurt's closet door with gusto, pulling out a garment bag and flinging it at Kurt.

"Careful!" Kurt cried. "That's Versace!"

"Yeah, yeah, just put on your expensive-ass suit and get going!" she said impatiently.

"Where exactly are we going," Kurt wondered.

"To the theatre!"

Kurt stared at her. "Candi. Are you high?"

"I have two tickets to see a mystery musical, thanks to a certain brilliant someone standing right in front of me, and you're gonna be my date!" she sounded incredibly pleased with herself.

Kurt sighed. "I have to finish this stupid Advanced Acting essay, and run through my lines for the scene I'm performing tomorrow. I don't have time. Sorry, Candi."

"If Kurt doesn't wanna go, I'll take his ticket," Jake called from his bed, where he was doing something-or-other on his own laptop. "What musical?"

"It's a surprise! For Kurt," Candi added before Jake had a chance to ask again. "As the evil mastermind behind me even getting these tickets, I insist he accompanies me."

"Candi. Home. Work."

"You're at a performing arts school, right?"

"Yeah..." Kurt allowed. He knew where this was going. Candi never lost an argument like this.

"Well, just think of it as hands-on research! You can incorporate what you learn tonight from the performance in your scene tomorrow!"

Kurt sighed. He really did want to see a musical before classes started again. And he could never say no to Broadway, especially free Broadway. "Fine."

"Yay! Get that suit on and do your hair, mister! We're going out for a night on the town!"

***

Candi spun around, her skirt puffing out under her unbuttoned purple peacoat. "New York City is so gorgeous when it's covered in snow, isn't it?"

Kurt nodded, taking in the powdery scenery. "It's beautiful."

"Like a fairyland."

"But also freezing," Kurt added, watching his breath puff out in front of him. "Are we almost there?"

"Patience, grasshopper. Almost."

"How much farther?" he pleaded, knowing he sounded like a toddler.

"Just a couple more blocks. Now, shush. I want to take in the city, and I can't do that with you yammering in my ear constantly."

Kurt thought this was pretty rich coming from the girl who could probably break glass with her "inside" voice, but he shut up in spite of this.

Finally, after three icy cold blocks, Candi pointed ahead of them. "There!"

Kurt froze, not wanting to believe his eyes. A gut-wrenchingly familiar face stared at him from the wall of the building. "What?"

"That's the musical we're seeing tonight! How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying!" she threw her hands in the air and wiggled her fingers, jazz-hands-style.

Kurt felt all the moisture evaporate from his mouth, finding its way to his suddenly-very-clammy palms. "I can't go in there."

"Why not?"

"I- I just..." Kurt searched around for an excuse, but nothing came to him. He couldn't bring himself to think about the real reason. It hurt too much, even after nearly two years.

"Kurt, are you on some theatre-blacklist I should know about?"

"No, it's not that. It's just- I hate this show," he tried.

"You love this show. You've watched the movie with me, like, ten times since I met you."

"I don't like the live version?"

"It's almost the same as the movie version. Seriously, what's going on?"

Kurt felt himself deflate. He had no good excuse. "Nothing. I... let's go in."

Candi shrugged, still looking perplexed. "Sometimes, you're even weirder than I am. And that's saying something!"

Kurt smiled weakly and allowed himself to be dragged to his doom.

***