Kurt had no idea why Eliza wasn’t settling down, and he didn’t have time to figure it out. He tried to rush around the house to get ready to leave, occasionally running back to the crib to soothe her. He talked to her as he ran from the coffee machine to his desk, packing up a stack of drawings, a tape measure, various supplies of needles and thread. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and was glad he just worked behind the scenes. He was in no fit state to perform. On this little sleep, he was taking enough of a risk just fitting costumes. He’d already fallen asleep once at the sewing machine, narrowly escaping a stitch through his thumbnail, and stabbed a chorus girl with a needle, and so far everyone had been making allowances for him. He couldn’t help worrying that soon their sympathy would run out. He was pushing his luck at two months.

The child minder was late again. Kurt needed to go. He had so many alterations to make and only a week left before opening night, and he needed to stop the dancers from ripping each other apart, and it was getting to the point where he’d have to take the baby with him. The director wasn’t a baby person. Unfortunately everyone else was, which made Eliza’s presence distracting for the entire company, meaning rehearsal went even more slowly, which pissed her off even more. That baby was getting in the way of her vision being realised, and Kurt knew he couldn’t keep bringing her with him despite the swell of pride he felt in his chest when everyone told him how gorgeous she was and how well she was behaving.

He knocked back the final dregs of his coffee, spilling a drop on his collar; he groaned with exasperation but did nothing about it. There wasn’t time. His bag was bulging with supplies for the day and if he didn’t leave in the next five minutes he’d be screwed. He lifted Eliza out of the crib and she finally stopped crying. She was still whimpering with discomfort as she felt the tension in the arms holding her, but at least the screaming was over. Kurt allowed himself a few seconds of just standing with her, calming her down.

“Okay, baby, I know, it’s alright, I’ve got you…” his voice was so gentle and familiar that she rested her head against his shoulder. Just as she started to fall asleep and he resigned himself to the fact that she’d be coming to work with him again, the doorbell rang and she started crying again. Kurt immediately started stroking her back in circles, which always helped, still talking to her as he went to the door, rolling his eyes as the bell rang again. “Alright, I’m coming; you can’t really act impatient when you’re the one who’s half an hour la-”

He pulled the door open to reveal Hiram and Leroy, grinning earnestly.

“Is this a bad time?”

Kurt was stunned into silence for a few seconds.

“Wh- what are you doing here? Why didn’t you call? I have to- I’m-”

“Oh, we just thought we’d drop by to see our little princess…” Hiram interrupted, sweeping in and lifting Eliza out of Kurt’s arms. He was too surprised to stop him, but he winced at that word. He’d made a silent agreement with himself never to call her ‘princess’. He wanted her to aspire to something more than that.

“Oh Kurt, sorry, were you going out?” Leroy asked when he stepped in and saw the bag by the door.

“Well, I…” Kurt was floored. He couldn’t handle these two right now. “I need to go to work, but Maria didn’t show up, and I’m late, so…”

“You want us to take her? We’ve got no plans!”

Kurt sighed. He hated when they did this. They’d gotten into a pattern of dropping round unexpectedly. He understood how badly they wanted to see the baby, wanted to hold onto what was left of their daughter, but it was always at the worst possible moments. He’d been meaning to talk to them about it and nip it in the bud, but right now he couldn’t refuse.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t ask, but-”

“We know you wouldn’t ask, Kurt. You never ask. It’s okay to admit you need a little help.”

“I don’t need… this isn’t my fault. It’s Maria, she’s late, and I was just going to take her…”

“You can’t keep taking her to work. It’s no place for a baby.”

“Well, it’s not ideal, but-”

“Don’t worry about it. Just go to work. We’ll take care of Eliza, won’t we, sweetheart?” He held the baby up to his face, rubbing their noses together. Kurt hesitated. At least she wasn’t crying. He really did have to go, but he couldn’t help thinking this made him look irresponsible – changing plans at the last minute, leaving the baby with the first people who offered, even if they were her grandparents, and the house wasn’t exactly up together. His hand darted up to cover the splotch of coffee on his collar.

“Oh, well, I’d really appreciate it. You’re sure you don’t mind?”

“Of course not! Any excuse to take care of our favourite granddaughter!” Leroy peered over Hiram’s shoulder to pull faces at Eliza. She giggled. It was probably better for them to look after her. They were family. Kurt wanted them to see her and bond with her and spend plenty of time with her, but they could be a little overbearing. He couldn’t shake the feeling that if he admitted to them that he was struggling that day, they wouldn’t let him forget it. It seemed like the perfect excuse for them to nudge their way further into his life, and he couldn’t tell them to back off. They’d lost enough. He breathed in, trying to think of an alternative, but nothing came to him. He looked at their hopeful faces gazing lovingly at the baby, and he couldn’t say no.

And he really needed to go.

“Okay. Yeah. Great. If you’re sure you-”

“Kurt, we told you, it’s not a problem. We want to help; now go to work. She’ll still be in one piece when you get home.”

“Right, right, and you’ve got my number if anything happens, all the other numbers you could need are on the fridge – my dad, work if you can’t reach me, the paediatrician, and you know where everything is-”

“Kurt. Stop. We’ve done this before, remember?”

He smiled at them sadly.

“Yeah. Sorry.” They kept smiling, even though it was forced, knowing they didn’t have time to start thinking about Rachel now. Kurt looked at Eliza instead. “Okay, baby, come here; let me say goodbye properly.” He took her from Hiram for a second and tried to ignore the twinge he got in his stomach every time he had to leave her. She blinked those enormous brown eyes at him and he knew that the second he was out of the door she’d be fine, but he held her as if it were for the last time. “Alright, now be good for your grandpas, okay? I love you so much.” He was practically whispering to her now, all too aware of the men next to him eager to snatch her away for the day. He reluctantly handed her back to Hiram, who received her with wide eyes and a smile. Kurt made himself smile back so Eliza would see he was fine. He had to convince himself he was fine, or he’d never leave. He picked up his bag, slung it over his shoulder and opened the door. He darted back to kiss Eliza’s head one more time before swallowing hard, whispering ‘bye’ and running out.

*

It was a relief to get back on his street that evening. It was already getting dark. He’d spent the whole day checking his phone every five minutes as he did every time he left the baby at home, but he was so sure today would be the day something went wrong. Today he’d been caught off guard and changed the plan at the last minute, even if it was for a perfectly safe option. Hiram and Leroy were good with the baby and she liked them, but he could never really get rid of that guilty feeling over leaving her and being a burden on them. They were desperate to help, but he still felt like he was messing up their day – messing up everything. He felt like he was failing. He could feel control slipping away.

He was less patient than usual with the awkward key. He rolled his eyes at the frozen clock. He forgot to tread gently on the creaky floorboard. He dropped his bag with a thump on the coffee table and saw Hiram and Leroy at the table drinking coffee. They were quiet.

“Is everything okay? Did something happen? Where is she?”

Leroy stood up first.

“She’s fine, Kurt, she’s sleeping.”

Kurt’s face fell. He hated missing her bedtime. It was one of his favourite parts of the day, when she was peaceful and sleepy and he just loved being there to tuck her in. He looked up and noticed the house felt different – tidier.

“Oh, you didn’t have to-”

“It was no problem. You know what Hiram’s like; he can’t stand any mess. Not that it was a mess, it was just, uh, we couldn’t find anything so we just gave the place a once-over.”

Kurt looked at his feet sheepishly. He knew it had been far from spotless. Usually after work and looking after Eliza, he barely had the energy to feed himself, never mind clean the house.

“Uh… thanks. It looks a lot better.”

Hiram got out of his chair and perched on the edge of the table, folding his arms.

“Kurt, we’ve been thinking. We know it can’t have been easy for you the last couple of months, and we wouldn’t be surprised if things had been getting on top of you. It’s not your fault.”

Kurt wanted to argue, but he couldn’t. He was doing everything he could, but he couldn’t honestly say he was coping. Leroy saw his downcast expression and put a hand on his arm.

“And we should have done more to help. We know you don’t like asking, so we thought we should probably just offer; lay it out there.”

“You mean like today? I mean, today was a one-off, with Maria not showing; I really don’t mind taking her to work once in a while-”

“Really? Think about it, Kurt. You work in a theatre, surrounded by scissors and needles and loud noises. That can’t be a good environment for a baby.”

“Wait, I always make sure she’s safe. You know she’s my top priority. If you’re suggesting that she would be in any danger with me-”

“No, of course we’re not, are we Hiram?”

“No, Kurt, that’s not- I mean- we just wanted to make a little suggestion.” Kurt raised his eyebrows. He didn’t have the energy for this. “We thought that maybe Eliza should-”

“-Could, she could maybe stay with us for a while. Just for a week or something, to give you a break.”

“What?”

How could he take a break without his daughter? Coming home to her was the best part of his day.

“We’d be happy to take her, and it would only be for a little while-”

“No.”

“Kurt, we’re just trying to help-”

“No. I don’t need- well, maybe I should get help, but the last thing I need is for you to take her.”

“So, what are you going to do? You can’t keep going like this; it’ll only get harder.”

“Hold on. I know things have been hectic, but did you notice anything wrong with Eliza? Is my daughter unhappy in any way, or less than perfectly healthy?”

“No, Kurt, considering the circumstances you’ve been amazing. She’s doing really well-”

“All we’re saying is that it wouldn’t hurt you to ask for help if you need it. Maybe you could hire someone – someone a little more reliable.”

“A lot of people have live-in nannies but it doesn’t make them bad parents. You don’t have to do this alone.”

Kurt looked from Leroy to Hiram and back again. They couldn’t have rehearsed a better good cop bad cop routine. He suddenly felt exhausted. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t felt tired, but now he could barely stand. The idea of someone else living here, sleeping in Rachel’s room, looking after his baby – it was terrifying, but he knew if Hiram and Leroy had their way, Eliza would be going home with them tonight. He wanted to fight, but a compromise would have to do. He just didn’t have the energy to argue. He heard himself relenting, agreeing with them until they finally left. He closed the door and inhaled the silence that filled the house.

After drowning in chaos all day, this should have been bliss. Nothing to be late for, nobody screaming in his ear about headpieces, no baby crying or sort of fathers-in-law pushing their way into the house… but he was surprised to find he didn’t like it. In fact, he hated it. It was almost eight. He threw some dinner together, humming to himself, and read while he ate. He had to read every sentence four times and his eyes ached. He thought about turning on some music or watching a film, but he risked waking Eliza or falling asleep on the sofa. He cleaned up, poured himself a glass of wine and sat with a magazine, flipping through to look at the pictures instead of reading the words. He carried on humming absent-mindedly. Eventually he gave up as he felt his eyelids getting heavier, rinsing his glass and wandering upstairs.

He slipped into Eliza’s room. He could still hear Burt asking ‘Isn’t it supposed to be pink for a girl?’ when Kurt had insisted on duck egg blue, and he’d painted pale cherry blossoms weaving around the top of the walls, connecting to and wrapping around each other. There were two cream armchairs, each with dark pink pillows embroidered with shades of blue, a bookcase and dresser in pale wood, and the crib in the middle. The wood was pale to match the other furniture, and there was a mobile above it adorned with birds of different colours.

Kurt switched on the fairy lights that bordered the bookcase, providing the room with a soft glow. He smiled when he finally heard the gentle breathing of his daughter. He glanced at the outlines of the armchairs in the dark room. Two chairs for two parents.

He loved being a father. Even when he was exhausted and he couldn’t find any clothes that weren’t stained with sick or formula or drool – that was why he hated the term princess; she was cutest when her mouth was hanging open and she had a splotch of milk drying on her cheek – he couldn’t help smiling every time he looked at her, but it was only half of what he’d imagined. Despite finally having some sort of family, he’d never felt so lonely.

The first time Eliza smiled, Kurt had automatically looked around, expecting to see someone else as excited as he was, but the room was empty.

He whispered brokenly into the darkness.

",Why aren't you here, Rachel? She needs you... I need you."

Kurt felt slightly sick at the idea of someone else raising his daughter. Someone he didn’t know sleeping in Rachel’s bed and doing things she was supposed to be doing.

But the thought of having someone to share Eliza with? Someone to talk to when the baby was asleep and there were no grandparents or dopey brothers or friends keeping him company? Another adult voice in the house again?

Kurt realised he’d pressed his hand over his mouth to hide his smile, even though the only person there to see it was asleep. It felt like he was already cheating on Rachel just by considering it, but it had to better than doing this alone.