Kurt felt the tell-tale dip in the mattress of Blaine climbing into bed. His body ached with the need to roll over and touch him, look into his eyes even if they were already closed. He felt like just the sight of his eyelashes fanned out, casting tiny blades of shadow on his cheeks, would be enough to stop his heart twisting for a minute, but something told him it was a release he didn’t deserve.

Even when Blaine risked sliding a cool hand onto his hip, Kurt suppressed a shiver and an urge to scoot back into Blaine’s hold, convinced it was too much for him. He squeezed his eyes shut and pretended he was unconscious.

A sting flared in Blaine’s lip when he realised Kurt was faking sleep and had to bite down on it to stop himself crying. He pushed his cheek into his pillow and withdrew his hand from his husband’s side.

For the first time in their marriage, Kurt and Blaine slept in the same bed without touching.

*

Things stayed the same for another week.

Work. Home. Quiet.

Hands unheld.

Lips unkissed.

No skin-on-skin.

There was next to no contact between them. That told them both that something was wrong, that if they didn’t do something soon they could be in serious trouble, but as much as they knew they needed to talk, neither knew where to start.

*

On Monday, Kurt left for work at the normal time. Gave Blaine an obligatory peck on the cheek instead of the soft, lingering kiss he would have brushed against his lips a few weeks ago. He got the same old train, walked the same old route, but as soon as he reached the door of his office he stopped. His hand slid right off the handle and he turned around and just kept walking. He ignored the concerned calls of ‘Kurt? Are you okay?’ behind him and strode out as fast as he could, letting everything around him become a blur.

He walked.

He walked in and out of coffee shops, leaving either because the queue was too long or because there wasn’t one at all – I don’t want to stand quietly in line, but I don’t want to talk to some college kid behind a counter either – and he slid straight past his usual retail therapy boutiques, every art gallery and museum that he would visit every time he felt low, every time he needed reminding of where he was, how far he’d come, the culture that he was immersed in every day… nothing felt right. He wanted to be everywhere and nowhere, split into a thousand pieces so none of him would have to think- until he found himself outside a little supermarket he didn’t come to often. In fact, he’d only been there once, where he’d found a little girl crying, and a not-much-bigger girl getting pretty close to doing the same.

He shouldn’t go in. He knew it was a terrible idea. But as hard as he willed himself to walk in the other direction, his feet carried him in.

Just in case.

At first he thought he was imagining the screaming – maybe he just wanted them to be here that badly, or maybe he was losing his mind, but the pained looks around him told him everyone else heard it too. And if he was imagining it, there was no way his own mind would be sick enough to make her sound that distressed.

He picked up an apple, some baffled attempt at pretending he was here for legitimate reasons, and his eyes darted around frantically as he rushed down an aisle trying to find the source of noise. It couldn’t be her. There was no way – and there she was, the carrier perched on a shopping cart, just like before. A little girl, no bigger than when he’d last seen her, bawling for attention. He couldn’t see Marley anywhere. His stomach churned as he rushed over to try and soother her, knowing it was a terrible idea but unable to stop himself. She needed him – she needed someone, and he was the only one there. He didn’t feel like he had a choice.

“Hey sweetie,” he cooed gently as he took her hand between his fingers and stroked her cheek with a thumb, “no need for all this noise; I’m here now.” He glanced around as he shushed her. He told himself he was looking for Marley, that he wanted to see her rushing around the corner with some broccoli and that she could take care of everything from here, but an ache in his gut told him he was really just checking that he wouldn’t be caught. He didn’t want Marley to show up and ask why the hell he was here again, why he was playing with her baby. Either way, she was nowhere to be seen, and although Daisy had quietened down, she was still grizzling. Kurt went against every logical impulse and scooped the baby out of her carrier, holding her close. “That’s it, baby girl. I’ve got you now. It’s okay.”

He closed his eyes, concentrating on the little hiccups vibrating against his chest, the way her frame relaxed as he rocked her.

“Kurt?” His eyes snapped open and he spun around. He saw Marley, her mouth open, dark circles under her eyes, her cheeks grey, and his insides clenched with guilt. He was ready to let apologies spill from his lips, but she didn’t give him a chance. “God, I’ve never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life.”

“Wh-“

“Honestly, Kurt, you couldn’t have turned up at a better time. I can’t get her to settle, and I- I just needed to get out of the apartment. I don’t even need any groceries, but I felt like I was going crazy in there.”

Kurt blinked.

“Oh. Don’t- don’t worry about it. I just happened to be- yeah. It’s fine.”

She smiled weakly.

“You must be like, my guardian angel or something.” Kurt was silent. “Even though you probably think I’m a mess, dragging her out here just so I can get some fresh air.” As she talked, she kept brightening up. Kurt wondered how long it had been since she’d spoken to anyone but the baby.

“No. It’s not crazy. I don’t need to be here either. Actually, I’m skipping work right now. Needed some space.”

Marley nodded. She understood.

“Well, if we’re both here- do you-“ she paused, wondering if she could pull off what she was about to say without sounding stupid, “Do you want to have lunch? With us?”

The baby was already feeling too heavy for him, like he was going to drop her any second. He started to shake his head.

“Oh, I don’t know-”

Marley steeled herself.

“You said we were friends. This is what friends do, right? It’s just lunch.”

Kurt swallowed and nodded.

“Okay. Okay.” He handed the baby back to her, and winced when she started to mewl uncomfortably again as she was tucked into her carrier. “Hey, why don’t I take that, and you can just hold her? I think she just wants a cuddle.” Marley looked at him in surprise for a second, partly feeling defensive, but mostly feeling helpless. She had to take every bit of kindness that came her way, and Kurt was basically all the kindness she’d had for weeks.

There was no ‘I know better than you’ about it. He just didn’t want her baby to be upset. She lifted her up and Kurt watched as she took a moment just to breathe with her, eyes falling closed, taking in that heavenly smell. Daisy stopped crying.

*

Kurt convinced Marley to sit with the baby while he got drinks for both of them.

“There are two bowls of chicken soup on the way; I hope that’s alright.”

Marley tried to suppress a grin.

“It’s my favourite- but you didn’t have to.”

“Don’t. I promise, it just makes me feel less guilty for ditching work.”

Marley smiled sadly at Daisy.

“My mom used to make it for me when I was little. She said it was the best cure for everything.”

She wiped drool from Daisy’s chin and carried on feeding her – the girl behind the counter of the diner had been happy to warm up the formula for her.

“She sounds nice,” Kurt said, “I can’t believe she- does she know where you are? About her?” He nodded at the baby. Marley shook her head.

“I couldn’t do that to her. She worked so hard to try and give me a decent life, and I just- threw it all away. She’d be heartbroken.”

Kurt felt a heavy thud in his stomach.

“Marley, she needs to know where you are. That you’re okay. She must be worried sick.”

Marley shook her head again, more vigorously, her eyes widening.

“No. No, Kurt, please, you can’t make me tell her. I couldn’t do that to her; she’d be so ashamed of me.”

“Marley, no,” Kurt put a hand on her wrist, “you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re bringing a baby up all by yourself, and that must be terrifying. You’re so brave.”

Her eyes started to glisten with tears.

“Not everyone’s as nice as you, Kurt.” It stung like a slap in the face. He wasn’t being nice; he was being selfish. “Nobody else understands. I told a couple of my friends, and they just- they said some horrible things to me. I haven’t spoken to them since. Daisy’s dad doesn’t want to know. I- it doesn’t matter.”

Kurt’s heart broke for her. She wasn’t just scared or tired. She was lonely.

Maybe he didn’t have a baby, but he had his friends, his dad and Carole, Blaine – or at least he hoped he did. Marley didn’t have anyone. He tried to talk about something happier.

“You know, Marley, I don’t know all that much about you.”

“What is there to know? Teen mom screw up. Pretty simple.”

“No, honey, I know there’s more to you than that. I mean, I know you’re not in school these days, but when you were- what did you like? Which classes?”

She went blank for a second, as if that seemed like a lifetime ago. Then a smile appeared.

“I liked glee club. I used to sing all the time. I actually started writing some stuff- but I don’t have time now-”

“Glee club? I was in glee at high school! It’s how I met my-“ he remembered that she’d met his husband too, and it was probably best not to bring him up, “my best friend. What kind of music do you write?”

She transformed. Her smile was broad and genuine instead of just sad and grateful, she started gesturing, bouncing the baby a little, even laughing as she talked. Her eyes got brighter and Daisy cheered up as she felt the tension leave her mother’s arms. It was lovely to see her so happy, but Kurt tensed, knowing it couldn’t last. They’d have to go their separate ways, and she’d stop being a teenager, a girl who loved to sing and she’d disappear into being someone’s mother again. Kurt didn’t doubt for a second that Marley adored her baby, but he could tell she was miserable.

After they ate and drank and talked until it was starting to get dark, they said their goodbyes. She hugged him and squeezed him so hard he could barely breathe. He realised the only person she had around to hug was Daisy, and she was scared enough of hurting her as it was. He hugged her back, desperate to offer some solid, physical support. She tried to refuse when he gave her his phone number. He just wanted to give her soup and a friendly ear once in a while if he could, even if it felt like his skin was on fire every time he had to be near the baby. Marley looked as if a strong wind could blow her away, and it was November in New York. If he didn’t offer some help, she might not make it.

He played the afternoon over and over in his head on his way home. The guilt on Marley’s face when she looked at Daisy. The beginnings of sentences she hadn’t finished: “I just wish I didn’t…” “Sometimes I think she’d have been better off…” “I miss being just a teenager instead of… no. It doesn’t matter.” It seemed so wrong that her childhood, her innocence had disappeared so suddenly. Then he remembered the other thing that was wrong – he had given her his number. He had become a friend, maybe the only friend, to the girl he was never supposed to know, the girl with the baby a part of him felt was still his.

He was a fucking idiot.

*

He was greeted when he got home by the smell of roast chicken, laundry, and a fresh, clean Blaine, and his heart sank. It was one thing to feel terrible about himself, but it was made ten times worse by how wonderful Blaine was all the damn time.

“You’re early!” He said brightly, emerging into the hallway with an earnest smile. It sent a sting down the back of Kurt’s neck.

“Sorry,” Kurt sighed, “do you want me to come back later?”

“No chance.” He paused when he reached Kurt. They froze for a half second that felt like an hour, just inches away from each other. Blaine eventually leaned in to kiss his cheek and Kurt closed his eyes trying to ignore the heaving in his stomach. There was a kind of first date nervousness. As if they were strangers.

Blaine helped Kurt out of his coat, and Kurt pulled off his gloves one finger at a time, only to have his hands immediately enveloped by Blaine’s, rubbing them to warm them up. “God, it’s awful out there. Come sit down, I’ll get you something to drink. Red okay?”

The words were right in his throat, ready to pour out – I need to tell you something, I saw the baby today, I saw her with Marley and I know I should stay away from them but I can’t, I’m worried about them…

He nodded.

Blaine smiled apprehensively and dared to go in for another kiss, this time on the lips. Kurt stiffly accepted it, and silently berated himself for not being better, nicer, more like Blaine. “Is there a reason for all this?” he asked, pleading with his muscles to loosen, trying desperately to give Blaine the real smile he deserved. “It smells amazing in here.”

Blaine gave a little shrug.

“I love you.” Kurt’s stomach seized up. “That’s the only reason I need.” Blaine rolled his eyes at himself. “God, sorry. That was so cheesy. I just – I know things have been kind of, you know, but- I want to fix it. I want us to be… us again.”

Kurt felt his shoulders start to sag with relief.

“Blaine, I’m so glad you said that-”

“I mean, the last month has been so hard on both of us, and I know we’re both trying to move on in our separate ways, but- it’s not working, okay? It’s killing me. I feel like- like I’m doing this without you.” Kurt almost started to talk again, to make some attempt at an explanation, but Blaine kept going, taking both of Kurt’s hands in his. “I’m not blaming you. The fact that we’re both doing what we can to get past this, we knew it wouldn’t be easy. And honey, it was so brave of you to take the baby in when you knew we couldn’t keep her. You’re such a good man.” He cupped Kurt’s cheek in his palm. “Some days I don’t know how I ever got so lucky – but lately we’ve been different. I thought we could get through anything, but if we don’t do something about this… I’ve never been this scared for us before. I miss you. I miss your hands and your lips and- you won’t even touch me in bed, Kurt. Not in a sex way, just- I don’t know how to sleep when I’m not touching you. I can’t remember.”

He’d started off almost excited, a little bounce in his words, but now he looked so small and lost, his voice catching in his throat, tears in his eyes, and Kurt knew it was partly his fault. He’d made his own husband look like that. Desperate to do something, anything to make it stop, he grabbed Blaine’s face and kissed him hard.

“Don’t be scared, Blaine,” he whispered through a sucked-in breath between kisses, “I’m here. I promise.” He kissed him again, and despite being taken by surprise, Blaine kissed him back.

He couldn’t let him keep saying those nice things about him when they weren’t true. Kurt was anything but brave. He was selfish. He should have told him everything, but that would have just proved Blaine wrong, and shown him that he really had been dealing with this alone. The one person he thought was truly with him had been lying. Kurt couldn’t take that one last bit of comfort away. So he gave Blaine everything he had. He kissed him, pulled at his lip with his teeth, held him close, pulled him to the wall so Blaine was pinning him against it.

He tried to focus on Blaine, the taste of his lips and his tongue, the smell of his shampoo, the feel of his hair between his fingers, but all the wrong thoughts kept flicking through his mind – thoughts about Marley and Daisy. He opened his eyes and pulled back so he could look at Blaine.

“I love you. I’ll always love you. Remember that, okay?”

Blaine frowned, lips and cheeks rosy, out of breath and confused, but he nodded.

“I know,” he whispered, taking Kurt’s face in his hands, “I will. I love you too, so much.”

Kurt kissed him again, almost fiercely, before tugging him towards the stairs.

“Come on. I believe you mentioned bed.”

Blaine paused, knowing something was off.

“But dinner- you know we don’t have to-”

His voice was so full of concern it made Kurt feel sick. He squashed it and gave Blaine another kiss before plastering on a grin and dashing up the stairs. Blaine shook his head a little, trying to figure out what was happening, but he followed.

Kurt dragged Blaine towards the bed, starting to unbutton his shirt. Blaine put a hand over his and tried to hold it to his chest.

“Kurt, I didn’t mean- you know I don’t mind about that, right?”

Kurt nodded, looking down at Blaine’s collar instead of his face.

“Mmhmm. I want to.”

He slid his hand free of Blaine’s grasp and skimmed down his side before kissing him and groping blindly at the front of his pants. Blaine’s hips flinched away.

“Woah, slow down-”

Kurt shook his head.

“Want you, Blaine. Need you.” He pressed another hard kiss to Blaine’s lips. “Please.”

Blaine felt a twitch as Kurt pulled him close again, rocking their hips together just enough to create some friction. He was so tired, so sick of feeling far away from Kurt, so desperate to make him happy that he gave in to his impulses, in spite of his better judgement. He had to take any closeness he could get.

Kurt pushed Blaine onto the bed and climbed on top of him, continuing to palm him roughly through his trousers, making his eyes fall closed.

“God, Kurt-”

Kurt’s fingers fumbled around Blaine’s buckle and tugged at his pants, pulling them down and wrapping his fingers around Blaine’s erection. “Jesus,” Blaine whined, everything falling into a blur but the wet heat of Kurt’s mouth on him. Kurt’s hips rocked back and forth automatically where he was straddling Blaine’s leg, but his body didn’t have the usual response. He started to wriggle out of his pants and stroke himself, bucking towards his hand to try and get some kind of reaction, but nothing.

“Kurt,” Blaine whispered, “it’s okay, let me-” he started to prop himself up on an elbow, but Kurt pushed him back down and kissed him.

“No. Better idea.”

He turned away to stand and shove his pants down past his knees and kick them off, before clambering back onto the bed in determination. He took Blaine’s hand and moved it behind him, and down towards his ass. “Now.”

“Hold on,” Blaine tried to roll out from under him, “let me get-”

“No, Blaine, need you now.”

Blaine’s eyes were no longer lidded and hazy – they filled with concern again.

“Kurt, no- I don’t want to hurt you-”

Kurt was already lining Blaine’s dick up to his hole, rocking back and forth so he could feel him between his cheeks, dry, unprepared and tense. He knew it would be painful, and he didn’t care.

“M’fine-”

“You’re not really going to- you’re not even-”

Kurt took his own cock in his hand, less to stimulate himself than to hide from Blaine that he wasn’t feeling anything. He reached back to try and guide Blaine up to his entrance, trying to push himself back onto him. His body refused to give, and he couldn’t help letting out a cry of pain. Blaine grabbed his hips and sat up, holding him still.

“No-”

“Kurt, would you just stop?”

Kurt stilled in Blaine’s lap and looked at him, tears in his eyes. He did up a button on his shirt that had come undone, his cheeks a furious pink.

“I’m sorry.”

Blaine cupped Kurt’s cheek with his hand and wiped away a tear with his thumb.

“No, you don’t have to- I know you’re angry, okay, but don’t take it out on us. You didn’t do anything wrong, remember?”

Kurt wanted nothing more than to sink into Blaine’s arms, feel the fabric of his shirt against his cheek, let himself be held, but nothing felt right. He wanted Blaine to do something awful, to be angry with him, but he was still so frustratingly understanding, because he had no idea what Kurt had done. He smoothed his hands over Blaine’s shoulders. They were both shaking, not sure what had just happened. There had been times when they’d had trouble getting things going, when they were tired or drunk or stressed, but they would always laugh it off, take a bath together, happily spend hours just making out for the sake of it instead, but now Kurt felt embarrassed – no, ashamed. Blaine had said ‘no’ and he almost hadn’t listened. He’d never known himself to be that aggressive before.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine. I just- I don’t know what to do.”

There was a pause. Neither of them did.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?”

Kurt shook his head. More silence.

“Dinner?”

Blaine nodded.

Kurt climbed off of Blaine, suddenly stupidly aware of how naked his bottom half was. They both got dressed again, awkward and embarrassed, not looking at each other. They used to be unable to keep their hands to themselves in times like this, but tonight it was tainted. Kurt felt cheap, and a heaviness had settled in his stomach. They were quiet as they pushed food around their plates. Blaine asked how Kurt’s day had been and he had to lie. Even at the same table, they felt as though they were in different worlds.