‘Please let me know when you get home. I don’t want us to fight over this. Just tell me we’re ok. I love you x’

He couldn’t tell if he was hungover or heartbroken. Or just embarrassed. He was still trying to piece together what had happened. He remembered alcohol, and Kurt, and making out… He cringed just thinking about it. He knew he’d been all over the place. There was vague memory of sucking on Kurt’s jaw, which he still didn’t understand. He started to get dressed while he thought, hoping that if he at least looked presentable, maybe he could make up for being such a prick the night before, but eventually the spinning in his head got too much. He flopped back onto the bed in his jeans, pulling the covers back over his head and opening the message again.

He didn’t want to fight either. He just wanted to apologise over and over, for drinking so much and for trying to push him so far, but he kept imagining what Kurt must have thought of him last night. Just a stupid kid who couldn’t handle his alcohol, who had no idea what he was getting into. When all he’d wanted was to be close to him, and to feel his skin against his own, and just to be held by him. And he felt the same as Kurt, in that he definitely didn’t want it going down like that. There was no way he would want to throw it away in a car, when he was wasted. He wanted it to be perfect too, but how could he come back from last night? But still, he didn’t want him to worry. He knew if he didn’t text back, there’d be a search party all over Ohio within hours.

‘I got home fine, thanks. I’m so sorry about last night. I feel really stupid, not to mention hungover haha, love you too xxx’

He cringed again. ‘haha’. He hoped Kurt would notice the significance of the extra kisses. They were usually a one-kiss-per-text kind of couple.

The day before, all he could think about was Kurt. More specifically, sex with Kurt. It had come up in conversation, but no plans had been made. Kurt just got kind of awkward, and just looked at him with the slightest smile, suggesting that he wanted to, but he obviously didn’t want to force anything; he just wanted it to happen naturally. And in the bar, the way they had been staring at each other all night, and when they’d been in a corner, just whispering and kissing, Kurt had held him so close, that he felt like that was going to be the night.

And as much as he wanted it, and he really wanted it, he started freaking out. Usually when they kissed, there was someone else there, a parent or Rachel or Finn, but that night it was just them. Nobody could walk in, nobody could get angry with them. There was nothing to stop them. They weren’t just innocently making out any more. This could actually go somewhere.

So he started drinking more quickly.

And then it all went wrong.

And now he wanted to die.