Jan. 22, 2012, 3:51 p.m.
Lost Within a World That Doesn't Care: Chapter 8
M - Words: 3,379 - Last Updated: Jan 22, 2012 Story: Closed - Chapters: 15/? - Created: Dec 11, 2011 - Updated: Jan 22, 2012 355 0 0 0 0
The first time Kurt cut was just a couple days after junior year started. The day before he met Blaine.
He had gone through his junior high years with nothing but harassment from the students and even faculty around him, the taunts continuing into his freshman and sophomore years. Then things took a turn for a worse after last year, when he had a crush on the star quarterback. Everyone had found out and the bullying had gotten worse.
Kurt couldn't help that he felt attraction to other guys. He couldn't stop how he felt, and he had decided to lift his head high and saunter into his junior year with no fear and just acceptance. That was until he had been shoved into the wall of metal lockers, his shoulder taking most of the blow. He had turned his head, watching as two jocks walked down the hall smirking, calling names and high-fiving each other as they turned around the corner.
But that had just been one day. Kurt was sure he'd be able to make it.
But the same thing happened constantly. The second day more than once, one time even causing him to fall to the ground. Then it became more consistent, the worst part being it was still only the first week of school.
No one cared either. They all ignored the harassment. Some even laughed and smirked as they walked by, the disgusting word hanging on the dry air.
Kurt couldn't believe how cruel everyone had grown over the summer, even the Glee club acting as though they hadn't seen anything.
It was still only the first week of school, but had already begun to close in on himself. After the third day, when he was shoved to the ground and had his bag kicked out of his hands, he tried to avoid people. He spoke as little as possible in class, almost running to get to classes so he wouldn't have to deal with running into people. Lunch was eaten in the corner of the library, quickly as possible so he could make it to his next class before the end lunch bell rang. He even pushed away his closest friends in the Glee club, Mercedes, Tina, Rachel.
He knew they knew what was going on, and he wasn't going to sit here and pretend that they didn't. They could try and help, but it was like Kurt deserved it. He never thought his friends could be so cruel. Finn had tried to understand, but it was Finn, and after speaking to him at home Kurt got frustrated over how idiotic he was and stormed out of the room.
Finn promised he'd watch over him, but he was never there when he needed him. He was always at practice or somewhere else that Kurt wasn't.
By Friday Kurt was clawing at his door to get inside and lock himself inside his room. He never wanted to leave, the thought of going back to that retched school caused tremors to shake trough him.
Kurt had begun to build up walls since he was in 7th grade, and here be was, finally building them up and around. He closed out everything, everyone, over the weekend. His phone sitting on his desk as he curled on his bed, staring blankly at his wall.
His father tried to talk to him, but never had enough time with his work at the garage. So Kurt stayed at home alone as Finn went out.
Saturday zoomed past and Sunday seemed to go even faster, Monday sneaking up on Kurt so suddenly that he wanted to throw himself off a bridge- quite literally.
His father had left earlier for the garage and Finn was going to pick Rachel up and take her to school. And with his stupid worn out pick up, he could only fit two. Kurt had practically gotten on his knees, pleading and begging for Finn to take him instead. But Finn was insistent, afraid to anger Rachel.
Kurt walked to school with his bag hugged tightly to his chest, his eyes wide and frightened as he watched every movement possible.
It wasn't good enough though, feeling his feet hit a blunt object, causing him to sprawl across the concrete below him. His bag tumbled away from him, his hands catching his fall, the rough material cutting into the soft skin of his palms.
"Faggot!" Came a voice from above, Kurt glancing up just as the group of jocks turned to continue on their way to the school, laughing and shooting looks back at Kurt.
Kurt took a moment to get up and shake himself off, even then he was late for homeroom.
He spent the entire day terrified; his hands throbbing with every movement, reminding him to keep his eyes open.
At the end of the day, a day free of torture, he ran into a burly chest, glancing up in fright at the stern look that the boy was giving him. Karofsky. One of the blockers on the football team. He placed his hands on Kurt's shoulders and shoved him back, causing him to trip and fall onto his back, yelling at him to watch where he was going. Kurt had just sat up and stared down at his scraped up hands, tears stinging at his eyes.
He had dragged himself home and sat on the floor of his bathroom, shaking and crying, his arms curled tightly around his legs as he buried his face in the material of his jeans. The jeans that were now scuffed up beside of the jocks.
He didn't really think about it. He just needed away to control the horrible pain that just ripped through his body. It's all he felt, ever. He could never concentrate, headaches forming every day since school started. He had heard of kids cutting themselves, and he always detested the thought. He found it to be a way people got attention. He never thought someone would go through that much pain to want to physically harm themselves.
But he had sat there and taken a razor to his arms carelessly. He didn't think of having to hide the cuts, only caring how the throbbing pain ebbed over the eternal pain. It helped him forget about the awful world he was apart of.
Though he found out that the feeling and pain didn't last long. And soon after he wanted to do it again.
He had been disgusted with himself.
He woke up the next morning, the 7th- he'd never forget that date- he wanted to punish himself. The cuts were red and bright against his pale skin. They looked horrible, cut diagonally across his wrists. He had gotten up with great difficulty, not even feeling as if he even really had a reason to get up and try to live, and picked his clothes out carefully. Another pair of designer jeans that hopefully wouldn't get ruined, and a nice Alexander McQueen sweater, where the sleeves were long enough to be pulled over Kurt's knuckles.
Finn agreed to drive Kurt to school, grumbling the entire time over how Rachel would do nothing but complain the entire time. "Like you?" Kurt had mumbled as he stared out the window, afraid to get to school.
Walking into school, Kurt was practically shaking, his heart lodge in his throat. He got to his locker and had gotten his books, glancing around as he shut it, heading for his first class.
A strangled yelp escaped his lips as he felt a pair of strong hands shove against his back, knocking him forward. Kurt stumbled, his books dropping to the floor loudly. He caught his balance, just as another pair of hands shoved against his side, throwing him into the wall of lockers. Kurt whimpered as he dropped to the ground, his shoulder aching. He kept his gaze to the ground as he gripped his bag, leaning forward to reach for a book. A foot came into view, causing Kurt to flinch thinking it was going to hit him, but it hit his bag, ripping it from his grasp and sending it across the hallway. When Kurt finally looked up, he saw a group of jocks. 6 he had counted but there were probably others. Some kids in the hallway had stopped to watch, others hurried past to get to class before the bell rang.
"Please stop," Kurt said quietly, his gaze falling to the floor.
"Oh, listen to the little fag ask us to stop. Awuh." One of the jocks sneered, prodding Kurt's bent leg with the toe of his shoe.
"Oh, it's so cute." Another cooed sarcastically.
Kurt let out a loud yell as he felt a foot connect with his side, gasping as he hunched over. Tears began to roll from his eyes, Kurt's face red with embarrassment. The jocks laughed, the muffled sounds of varsity jackets being slapped loud in Kurt's ears. "Look at the queer cry!"
"Hey! What are you guys doing?" A voice said loudly, a bit forcefully too. "Leave him alone!" Kurt looked up, gasping softly as pain ripped up his side. A short boy was standing in between Kurt and the jocks, his eyes narrowed.
"Oh, are you his boyfriend? How cute. There's another one in this school guys." A jock said, causing other's to howl with laughter.
"Shut. Your mouth." The boy took a step closer, his voice almost a growl.
"Ooh. I'm so scared of a hobbit."
"Shut the fuck up!" The loud yell ripped from his throat, many people in the hall stopping in their haste. The boy stepped forward and shoved his hands against one of the larger jock's shoulders. The jock stumbled back, then surged forward.
"Hey!" Everyone in the hall turned to look as Coach Bieste burst between the two boys holding them apart. "Sanders, this is your third fight this week!" She bellowed. Kurt sat up, wincing as he grabbed the book closest to him and sat back against the cool metal. He knew Coach wouldn't see him sitting there. He was invisible.
"Get to class, Anderson. Sanders, with me now." She dragged the jock down the hall, yelling at people to get to class.
Kurt hugged the book to his chest and held in sobs, his breathing fast and shallow. "Hey..." The voice was softer than when he first heard it, and when he looked up he was surprised to see the same boy who had just stood up for him. He would have never suspected someone dressed like him would try and shove around a jock. He had on a pair of red chinos paired with a white polo and a black cardigan. His messenger bag looked like actual leather, and as Kurt looked he saw his own messenger bag gripped in his hands. Kurt finally looked up and met his eyes- and he let out a quiet whimper. His eyes were like a liquid gold mixed with green, swirled together in a beautiful pattern. Kurt's jaw fell a bit, his lips parted as he sucked in a sharp breath at how attractive this boy was. His dark hair was slicked back with what looked like too much gel, a soft curl breaking free from the mold and resting on his forehead. "Are you okay?"
Kurt realized the boy was talking to him and he immediately felt his face grow warm. "Uh... Yeah." He said quietly, averting his gaze as he ran the back of of his hand across his cheeks. He was embarrassed, this attractive guy had not only seen him gawking, but had witnessed him cry like the worthless person he was.
The boy gave him a look of disbelief, sighing. He crouched down and set the bag on the floor, along with a book he had picked up. He held a hand out to Kurt. "I'm Blaine Anderson."
"Kurt Hummel," Kurt said after clearing his throat, extending a hand to shake Blaine's quickly. "I haven't seen you around here before...?"
Blaine ran his tongue quickly over his lips and Kurt felt his face heat again as his eyes were trained on those moist... Pink... Lips. "I transferred here last week. From Dalton, in Westerville."
Kurt nodded. He'd heard of the school, a school for boys actually. And as stereotypical as it was, he wondered if the boy was gay. Blaine stood up, holding out his hand again. "I've seen you in a few of my classes, I'm sorry I never tried to talk."
Kurt grasped his hand and allowed Blaine to pull him up. He brushed at his pants with his hands, wincing as his side protested when he shrugged. "It's fine. No one usually tries to talk to me anyway."
Blaine made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat. "It's horrible how no one did anything. They all just watched as those guys ganged up on you."
"About that..." Kurt mumbled, grabbing his bag as Blaine handed it to him. "Why'd you do that? You could have gotten in a fight. You could gave gotten hurt."
"I know what it feels like to be in your position. Plus, I hated seeing them gang up on you, who didn't- couldn't- fight back." Blaine cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.
Kurt watched him closely, but just nodded. "I have to get to class," he said quietly.
Blaine nodded, looking up to catch his gaze. "See you around."
"Yeah... And thank you."
"Of course."
It was the first day that Kurt had made it to lunch without another jock bothering him. He had gotten weird looks from everyone, since they had either heard or seen the fight in the hall. As he grabbed an empty table at lunch, he felt as if the entire lunch room was staring at him.
He sat in his chair and picked at his small salad, keeping his eyes away from everyone's gaze, his body buzzing with how uncomfortable he was. Suddenly he heard a chair scrape across the floor and it seemed as if the entire lunch room went silent. Kurt looked up in surprise as Blaine set his tray down, a salad identical to Kurt's settled on it along with a water. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked, slipping his messenger bag off his arm and onto the floor.
Kurt was at a loss for words as he stared up at him, nodding after a moment. "N-no. I don't mind."
Blaine smiled a dazzling toothy smile- that caused Kurt's heart to do a flip in his chest- and sat down. Kurt blushed deeply as he looked down at his salad, beginning to pick at the lettuce again.
This shouldn't be happening. Kurt knew this was a terrible idea. He knew it was going go end horribly. It happened last year when he fell head over heels for the quarterback.
And now here he was falling so hard for the attractive boy who had decided to try and be nice. He stuck up for him and Kurt automatically felt his stomach twist at the sight of him. It always happened to Kurt. And every single time the boy was straight. So painfully straight.
Kurt's hopes were always brought up to be shoved down and stomped on, just like his himself. His disappointment would eat away at him, and he'd get mad at himself. Because if his body just would corporate, then he wouldn't have anything to be disappointed about.
But here he was. Blushing and his stomach flipping at the feel of Blaine's chair touching his own.
The lunch room had become loud again and Blaine moved his chair closer to the table. Kurt felt Blaine's knee bump his own and he felt his cheeks grow even warmer. "Oh, I'm sorry!" Blaine murmured, seeing Kurt's face and thinking he had made him uncomfortable. He move his chair away a bit and began to eat his salad.
"It's fine," Kurt said, looking up at Blaine and holding back a quiet whine as he moved away.
Kurt had never wanted someone so close- never wanted someone to touch him- as much as he wanted Blaine to, and he had only known him for a couple hours.
"Aren't you going to eat?" Kurt looked up, startled, and blushed darker. "Are you okay? Am I making you uncomfortable? I'm sorry. I can go away." Blaine made to push away but Kurt sputtered, his hand reaching out to touch his arm. He retracted his hand quickly, his face draining of color.
"I-I want you to stay. I'm sorry that I touched you- you can go. I mean- I know it's probably uncomfortable for you now- a-and I'm sorry," Kurt rambled, "I-I'm not uncomfortable- it's actually almost the opposite."
Blaine was giving him a weird look, as his hand rested on the table. His eyes watched Kurt's face closely, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "I'm not uncomfortable... Why would I be uncomfortable? I mean- I'm a touchy person myself. Which is why I didn't think anything about our knees touching..."
"Because..." Kurt blushed again. "I-I'm gay." He said matter-of-fact, because everyone knew that. That's why they tormented him.
Blaine gave him a quizzical look. "I know, I mean. No offense, but everyone knows. Isn't that why those guys were messing with you?"
Kurt was confused now. "I know, but I mean. Everyone is uncomfortable around me. If I touch them, they automatically think I'm out to molest them... And they either become uncomfortable and run away to ignore me forever, or they beat me down. I mean- everyone does that."
Blaine's eyes had a sad to look them as he looked at Kurt. Kurt was so confused by this boy. He was so different from everyone else. But once again. He was probably straight.
"Kurt-" Blaine's hand settle on Kurt's hand that was resting on the lunch table. Kurt gasped and tried to pull it away, but he saw the hurt look in Blaine's eyes and left it. "I'm gay too."
Kurt's eyes widened a bit, his lips parting slightly as he took in a deep breath. A soft blush spread across his cheeks again as he looked at him. "Oh." he breathed softly.
"Yeah. But not many people at this school know. I mean, I'm pretty sure I would have gotten the same treatment as you if the guys knew I was gay." Blaine retracted his hand to look around the crowded lunch room.
�Kurt nodded, still trying to get over the fact that Blaine was gay. He was attractive, nice and gay.
"Yeah, so. You're not alone now." Blaine smiled.
Kurt smile back, the feeling so foreign to him. �Kurt lifted a hand and ran his fingers through his hair. Blaine's eyes grazed his arm, his eyes widening a bit. Blaine reached up, gently taking Kurt's wrist in his fingers and Kurt winced slightly as a soft throb of pain ran up his arm. "Kurt..." Blaine breathed.
Kurt looked down and sucked in a breath. The angry red cuts could be seen, criss-crossing over his skin. Kurt bit his lip and looked away, twisting his wrist out of Blaine's hold and pulling his sleeve down over his knuckles. He turned away from Blaine, staring at his salad that wasn't touched. "I'll just go now," Kurt muttered, getting up and hurrying up to throw out his salad and rush out the doors. He had just stepped out of the doors and into the hallway when he felt a pair of arms curl around his shoulders and the press of a body against his back. "Please, just leave me alone!" Kurt cried, pulling against his hold.
Blaine held him close, sinking to the floor along with him as Kurt just collapsed. No one was in the halls due to lunch and they wouldn't be leaving for a good twenty minutes, so Blaine just held Kurt as he laid limp in his arms, his eyes closed tightly, silent tears on his cheeks.�
Kurt was once again disgusted with himself, but he couldn't do anything. He was just so tired. And now there was someone who was understanding enough. Though he had only known this boy for a couple hours, he felt as if he could trust Blaine more than anyone in his life.�
Blaine reached forward and picked up his hand, watching as the sleeve of the sweater slipped down his wrist. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the cuts. He pulled his lips back and closed his eyes as he whispered softly into Kurt's ear. "I'm here. It'll all be okay now. You're not alone. You'll be okay."