Kurt felt disgusting.

He had scrubbed his body raw in the shower for 5 days straight, trying to get rid of the feeling of the man's fingers against his skin. The feel of him inside him. Multiple times he'd have to stop what he was doing and curl up on his bed and cry, shivering and shaking over the visions that would overtake his mind.

And as he stood in front of the full length mirror in his bathroom, naked, he felt absolutely disgusted with himself. His eyes trailed down his thin reflection, his fingers brushing over his hip as he looked at the small fingertip bruises. They were gross and distinctive against his pale skin, and just the sight make his stomach lurch. Those weren't Blaine's fingertips. They should be his, not some strangers.

But that's what Kurt got for being the whore that he was.

A dry sob left his cracked lips as he curled his arms around his naked chest. The floor was cold against his skin as he sunk to the tile, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks.

Blaine was coming over soon. They were having their weekly Thursday night study break. Study breaks that usually ended up being heated kisses on Kurt's bed and searching hands and fingertips.

Just the thought of that word caused bile to rise in his throat. His hand flew to his mouth and he pushed himself up from the floor and scrambled towards the toilet, hunching over the porcelain rim as he retched.

There was so much wrong with him. He stood up on shaky knees after a moment and went back to his mirror, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. His eyes scanned over the evidence of failure. Over the multiple scars that were forming on his upper arms and thighs.

He'd been cutting a lot since that night. He needed a way to deal with the pain and once again that was the best idea. He had remembered to hide them though this time, only cutting along his upper arms and the top of his thighs. No one would know this time. They would know nothing.

Kurt finally dragged himself up and got dressed, combing his fingers trough his damp hair as he stepped out into his room, stopping dead. Blaine was sitting at the end of the bed still clad in his khakis and polo from earlier, his book bag sitting on his lap. He looked at Kurt, a look of concern crossing his features. Kurt was ready to question him but Blaine stopped him. "Finn let me in. Are you okay?"

Kurt blushed, his fingers twisting around a couple strands of hair. How long had he been sitting there? Did he hear him vomit? "Uh- yeah. I'm fine? Why?"

Blaine continued to look at him with that same stupid look of concern. "Are you sure? I mean- it sounded like you were getting sick. And I didn't want to go in just in case you weren't dressed or something..."

Damn... He had heard Kurt. He cleared his throat and shrugged. "I'm fine."

Blaine's eyebrows knit together but he set down his bag and held out his arms. Kurt walked over cautiously and Blaine motioned for him to sit. Kurt lowered himself onto Blaine's lap and he curled his arms around his neck. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist and pulled him close, burying his nose in the crook o Kurt's neck."Have I told you how much I love your body wash? You smell so nice after a shower," he murmured.

Kurt chuckled humorlessly, keeping his eyes down. Blaine shouldn't have been touching him. He was a whore. He had cheated. If only Blaine knew. "Let's get to studying," Kurt muttered, pulling himself from Blaine's grasp. He walked around the bed and stretched out across it on his stomach, bending his knees as he grabbed for a text book off his bedside table.

Blaine let out a breath before pulling his legs up and turning so he was facing towards Kurt. He crossed his legs and grabbed his own book, huffing softly. Thursday night study dates weren't really made for studying. They had figured out that it was the only day that Burt and Carole weren't home at night, so they said they were "studying" when they would close Kurt's door and spend the night exploring each other.

Over the clothes of course. Blaine could tell that Kurt wasn't ready for anything like that, so he was determined to find out what Kurt enjoyed and what made him melt under Blaine, and vise versa. He had figured out his favorite spot on Kurt- a spot on Kurt's neck just above where his neck and shoulder met- where if he kissed it softly, Kurt would start squirming and mewling. Blaine absolutely loved it and took advantage of his new knowledge.

So when Kurt suggested they study, he was taken off guard. What no? My lips should be touching your skin right now! he had wanted to whine. But he obliged and just watched as Kurt spread out in front of him.

Which wasn't fair in the least. Yeah, Blaine respected Kurt's boundaries- but he was still a teenage boy. The sight of the the lithe, lean body of his boyfriend stretched out in front of him was enough to send his blood on detours south. Which was embarrassing, since Kurt had begun to ignore him for his book. Blaine chewed his lip as he watched the boy, his eyes sliding over his back and along the dip of his lower back.

He set his book to the side and unfolded his kegs, crawling ever so slowly towards Kurt. He looked over with a judging look before rolling his eyes and returning back to the boring History textbook. Blaine moved so he was close to Kurt's side, leaning over so he could hook his chin on Kurt's shoulder. "What do you want, Blaine?"

"I just wanted to read history with you..." Blaine whispered, his bottom lip sticking out in a pout though Kurt didn't look. He moved his hand and rested it on the small of Kurt's back feeling his back stiffen. Blaine moved his head and nuzzled his nose against the back of Kurt's neck, hoping it would help loosen Kurt up a bit, though his back stayed rigid. Blaine found his favorite spot and kissed along the back of Kurt's neck.�

"Blaine-" Kurt sputtered out, his face bright red.

"Hm?" Blaine hummed, running his lips to his favorite spot and pressing them against the hot skin.

"Blaine-stop!" Kurt said forcefully, rolling onto his back quickly and shoving Blaine back. Blaine's eyes flew wide as he fell on to his back before he scrambled to sit up. Kurt had moved to huddle at the end of his bed, knees hugged tight against his chest. His face had grown bright red and he was facing away from Blaine, once again ashamed.

"I'm sorry, Kurt." Blaine muttered, shifting back on the bed to be farther away from his boyfriend. Kurt stayed mute as his body shook, his fingers clutching tightly at the material of his pajama pants. "I'm so sorry." What had he done wrong? They had done things like that constantly, why all of a sudden did Kurt want to push away? And forcefully too. Blaine was confused and mad at himself, wishing he would have known Kurt didn't want to do anything.

An uncomfortable silence settled around them. Blaine's face red as be just continued to look dejected, his eyes trained on Kurt as he unconsciously ran his nails over his wrist over and over again.

"Should-should I leave?" Blaine asked softly. Kurt looked up, his eyes wide with fear, causing Blaine's heart to break. Kurt took a deep breath, looking down at the blanket, anywhere but up at Blaine.

"I just- I just want to study." Kurt muttered.

Blaine pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down on it for a moment. "Sure." he grabbed his book back up and moved off the bed, sitting at Kurt's desk. He opened his math book and began to just stare at the jumbled numbers on the page. He couldn't concentrate. Not with the guilt over what just happened still resting on his conscience.

He hated pushing Kurt too far. It didn't happen a lot, but when it did, Blaine thought that that was that. Every single time Kurt freaked out, Blaine was sure Kurt would break up with him.

But it hadn't happened yet, though many times Blaine would beg Kurt to break up with him. He'd try and convince Kurt that he wasn't a good enough boyfriend, and Kurt would hush him with a soft kiss and then he'd talk about why Blaine was the perfect boyfriend.

But this time had been the worst. All he did was kiss Kurt's neck. They do that all the time. Kurt constantly has to wear makeup or scarves to hide marks Blaine makes when they're alone. And yeah, he placed his hand on his back, but that's common too. It's not even close to the time when Blaine had rocked his hips down into Kurt's a bit unexpectedly as Kurt had gasped and shoved Blaine off the bed. For which he apologized for right away and said that maybe they should keep it a bit more... innocent, if you will.

This time it was just simple touches that had drove Kurt to gasp and push him away. And knowing it was these simple touches that did it was what was driving Blaine crazy. They had come so far physically and Kurt pushed it all away. Blaine was frustrated, but he wasn't going to leave till Kurt told him to leave.

He constantly shifted in his seat, looking over at his boyfriend who had curled in on himself and had his book on his bent knees. Blaine's guilty conscience was still pressing down, and as the silence continued on, Blaine began to feel even worse. He wanted to collapse at the foot of the bed and apologize over and over till Kurt took him back in his arms.

Which soon enough happened when Blaine couldn't handle it anymore.

He stood up and walked around the bed so he was close to Kurt. Then he fell to his knees and clutched at the blanket with his hands. "Kurt, I'm sorry," was all he said at first, and Kurt looked up at him with large eyes. Blaine's heart broke as he still saw a bit of panic in them. "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you. We should have just kept studying. And I'm the idiot who tried to get you to forget about studying and I'm sorry for making you so uncomfortable. I'm such a horrible boyfriend. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

Kurt looked uncomfortable as Blaine apologized, pulling his legs closer and biting his lip. "Blaine, stop apologizing. Really. It's fine. You're not an awful person. So shut up."

Blaine was taken a back at his forcefulness and he looked at Kurt with wide eyes. "Okay."

Kurt bit back his uncomfortableness as he motioned for Blaine to get up. He was shaky as he let Blaine get on the bed. Kurt laid on his side and reached back for Blaine's hand. "Just... Just h-hold me." The last thing he wanted was for Blaine to be guilty when he was the one had had the breakdown. So he was going to give Blaine what he wanted- or at least the closeness.

When Blaine laid behind him after Kurt assured him he was fine, Kurt stiffened. The feel of Blaine's front against his back, and the hand on his waist broke back memories of different hands and a different feeling.

But he tried his hardest to make Blaine happy.

Even as silent tears streamed down his cheeks as Blaine kissed the back of Kurt's head, still whispering soft 'sorry's.