It is now, in my final days that I must start to think of the future. Not my future, I don't have one. It was stolen from me years ago. My whole life has been building up to now. The end. I used to be scared of this. I was living (well dying) in total fear of my fate; but now I am brave, I am ready, I understand.

I used to fear what there is after life, what happens to me when I am gone? Is there a heaven? Do ghosts exist? Will I turn into a beetle? (Although if re-incarntion does exist I would totally want to be a puppy). Is there just nothingness for an eternity? Will I just rot in the ground? Will I sease to exist?

However recently it has occured to me that any of that must be somewhat better than this. I have learnt not to worry about my future. I have no future on earth and I know not of my existance after death. It's not that I want to die, because I wish more than anything to be living. But this limbo I am in is not living, not to me anyway. For me, too live means that I must be wholey alive. I am not wholey alive. I am dying.  The cancer is just like me in that  it wants to be living. So it lives in me, but now it has lived and grown so much that it has become everything I am. Therefore by killing me, it is killing itself. Cancer is a rather foolish illness. 

I have to prepare for the only life after death I know, the life on earth. The people on earth who currently surround me will keep on living after I am gone. For the only afterlife I am sure exists is memories. I want to make sure that nothing of me is forgotten; that a part of Blaine Anderson will live as long as they do. As long as I would have done if I did not have cancer.

I don't want my death to hurt anyone. I want to be a happy memory because I do so hope I was seen as a happy person. Because I am the happiest boy in the world (well as happy as a dying boy can be).

I am Blaine Anderson and this is my note.