Chapter 31: Even if It Hurts
TPD: I Am Unicorn-Asian F
A/N: WEST SIDE STORY WEST SIDE STORY ALKJSFASLKDGJASOGKLJASG DO YOU UNDERSTAND NO BUT SOON

Operation: earn the respect of The New Directions was underway. He asked to attend "booty camp" to catch up. The fact that he'd get more time with Kurt wasn't exactly a downside either. Then Mr. Schuester brought in Mrs. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste as the directors of the play and he was automatically thrilled. Awkward as she may seem, Blaine was already attached to Emma Pillsbury. She was kind and she knew his situation and was perfectly okay with it. In fact, he felt reasonably certain that he could consider her his ally. He'd love to work with her.

This was his chance.

Except it was clear that Kurt wanted Tony. He wanted Tony badly. And Blaine was terrified of upsetting Kurt. He just wanted Kurt to be happy, and he wanted to do anything he could to make that happen. Besides, he could be just as happy playing Bernardo or... something. It wasn't worth losing Kurt or putting a strain on their relationship. Nothing was.

Except he wanted Tony so, so badly.

The day before auditions, they snuck their lunches into the choir room.

"What?" Blaine asked.

"Kurt Hummel's. Bulging. Pink. Fun sack," he repeated in a mortified tone of voice.

Blaine couldn't help it. He burst out laughing.

"It is not funny, Blaine Anderson!"

"It's a little funny."

Kurt shut his eyes in mortification. Blaine reached out and put a hand on his knee, inadvertently glancing at the door as if expecting some jocks to come running in to call them homos. "She's just trying to help, Kurt. Besides, maybe a little 'unicorn' in your campaign couldn't hurt. You don't want to fade into the background. You could make a difference. A real difference."

"Is there a reason you don't want to be seen with me?" Kurt asked softly.

"What?"

"It's just... the other day, I was going to hug you and you sort of looked around and... Well, just now. It's like you're ashamed of us."

"No," Blaine replied immediately. "Kurt, no... I just..."

He trailed off helplessly and Kurt prompted, "Just what?"

"I'm scared, I guess. It was just last year that you transferred to Dalton because a bully threatened your life, Kurt. Just for being gay. Not even acting on it."

Kurt gripped his hand. "Blaine, he's gone. And things are better. Granted, Finn just got slushied a couple days ago, but it's better."

"I never told you, but that Sadie Hawkins dance I went to? The reason I transferred to Dalton? I ended up in the hospital." Kurt's face was awful and Blaine almost didn't want to tell him the rest. "The boy I went with... He died. We just went as friends. All we did was dance together, and..."

Kurt opened his mouth but seemed to have no words, so he pushed the chair they'd been using as a lunch table aside and knelt beside Blaine, hugging him. Blaine half turned so he could wrap his arms around Kurt. "Kurt, are you crying?"

"What if it had been you?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry," he cried. "I know that's an awful thing to say, but... I don't know what I would have done if I'd never had you. If you hadn't been there to text me words like Courage. You saved me, Blaine, and I love you so, so much."

"I love you, too," Blaine whispered. He kissed the top of Kurt's head. "We're running out of lunch period, though. And if you don't stop crying, your eyes will be all red and your face will get all splotchy and I know how you hate that."

"You're ridiculous," Kurt said with a watery smile.

"Guilty as charged."

They kissed briefly.

"Do you think you could come to my dad's tire shop after school?"

"His tire shop?" Blaine asked. "Why?"

"I just wanted some feedback on my audition, and Rachel's too busy with her own audition to make a trip to the shop."

"Of course," Blaine replied. "I'd love to see it."

That was a mistake. Blaine had never seen Kurt in so few layers, and oh, god, he had arm muscles. They weren't big and bulgy like those body builders that made him want to vomit, but they were there and the way Kurt contorted himself to climb up those bars... It was all he could do to keep from groaning out loud.

"So what'd you think?"

"Ithinkisbrilliant," he spluttered. "I mean. It was really good. You can have any part you want. I mean-"

Kurt was laughing at him and Blaine was too flustered to even try to look offended. "Thank you," Kurt said graciously as he took Blaine's hands in his. "You are very sweet." He leaned forward and they kissed softly, which was not helping Blaine calm down after that performance. He just wanted to melt into Kurt and never separate back into his own separate person. Who needed to play Tony when their boyfriend was this sweet and talented and attractive and-

Blaine had to pull away as he felt Kurt's tongue. "Your dad could walk in any minute," he apologized. "And I really-" His face was on fire and Kurt was smiling so he stopped trying to explain. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Except then Burt Hummel did walk in and Blaine felt his face turn even redder.

"I'll let you get back to practicing, Kurt," Blaine said quickly. "Not that you need it."

"Thanks," Kurt replied, giving him another of those looks that made Blaine feel like they were kissing even though they weren't touching. "See you tomorrow."

Blaine thought he heard Kurt's dad start to say something about them, but he hurried out before he could hear it. His head was spinning and he was pretty sure he was going to vomit. In a good way. Maybe rainbows. He was just so full of Kurt and feelings and pure, unadulterated joy that it was going to just pour out of him because there was not enough room for it all.

He let that energy continue to fill him when he launched into "Something's Coming" at his audition. He was so jazzed until it ended.

Would you mind reading for Tony?

Yes, he would mind.

But, god, did he want Tony.

No, he wanted Kurt more.

What the hell was he going to do?

"Blaine?"

"Yeah?"

He answered just a little too quickly.

"Could we hear you read for Tony?"

"Shouldn't- Shouldn't a lead like that go to a senior?" he stuttered uncertainly.

"It should go to whoever's right for the part."

"I-" he clenched his jaw. He could- They asked. He didn't go looking for the part. They asked him. Kurt couldn't possibly hate him when they asked and he had nothing to do with it. Except for the fact that he said, "Okay."

It went well, and it was so right, and he was dreading the conversation with Kurt. The cast list was going up on Friday and they weren't going to get to spend too much time together before then, so how was he going to tell Kurt?

Except Kurt knew. And there were flowers and he seemed happy for Blaine. He wasn't mad.

It seemed stupid, now. To think that Kurt would be mad at him for getting a part. Kurt loved him.

You always zig when I think you're about to zag.

Sure enough, Blaine was cast and Kurt was a little disappointed, but he smiled and congratulated Blaine anyway. He had to tell him. He had to explain why he wanted the role so badly, why it meant so much. And he had to tell Kurt. He just didn't know how, and he'd already waited so long and it just kept getting harder and harder and how could he possibly look Kurt in the eye and say "We need to talk." No one ever wants to hear those words because nothing good ever follows them and what if he transferred to McKinley sort-of for Kurt and then Kurt just left him? Just like that? Before he'd even made any real friends at this school. He'd be alone, and-

It was all he could think about until he'd convinced himself not to say anything yet. So they had movie night and were curled up on Blaine's bed. Kurt had poked through Blaine's DVDs until he found Moulin Rouge and put it in. They'd both seen it so many times that it was more just something to break the silence while they cuddled. His parents were away on business, so he felt no reservations in singing Ewan McGregor's verse of "Come What May" softly to the boy in his arms.

It was when Kurt started singing Nicole Kidman's part that the trouble happened. Blaine couldn't look at him, and pulled away to hit the pause button.

"We have to talk."

Kurt was staring at him in horror. "You were just singing 'Come What May' to me," he uttered. "We don't need to talk. People who are breaking up need to talk, and people who sing that song to the person they're cuddling with aren't breaking up-"

"About Tony."

"About-? Blaine, I'm happy for you."

"But you're sad for you, and you have every right to be."

"I'm not upset, Blaine. There just... aren't a lot of romantic leads for guys like me. If I'm sad about anything, it's that. Not that you did well. I want you to do well. I love you."

"Don't say that," Blaine mumbled miserably.

"Why not?"

"Do you remember when we first started hanging out I told you that I was in a production of West Side Story in middle school and it was awful?"

"Yeah, you were in the chorus. Is that why you wanted to play Tony so badly?"

"I lied, Kurt. I wasn't in the chorus. I had the lead."

"So... This is some kind of second chance?"

"Yes."

"You didn't play Tony well enough the first time?"

"I didn't play Tony the first time."

"He's the lead."

"I played Maria," Blaine said quickly, staring at Kurt in terror. He bit his lip, feeling his hands shaking and tears threatening to build up behind his eyes.

Thankfully Kurt didn't laugh or ask him if he was serious. The look on his face must have been enough. "That's great, though," he tried to understand. "You were already playing cross gender roles when you were-"

"No, you're not understanding me," Blaine said. "I-" This time he bit his lip so hard that he tasted copper and his fear was threatening to overflow along with his dinner.

"Blaine, it's okay. Just talk to me. What's wrong?"

"I haven't been lying to you. I'd never do that. It's just... I love you so much and I don't want you to leave me, but you might not feel the same about me anymore and I can't fault you for that. It's just... I can't, Kurt."

Kurt was cupping Blaine's cheeks, practically distraught with concern. "I don't care, Blaine. Whatever it is, I don't care. Please. You're scaring me."

"I'm transgender," he replied, but the tears sent his voice up at the end so it almost sounded like a question.

"I don't understand." Kurt realized it must have been the wrong thing to say because he immediately added "but I want to. It doesn't change how I feel, Blaine. Just take a deep breath, okay? I love you and if you want to wear dresses sometimes then-"

"I don't want to wear dresses," Blaine interrupted, not feeling any less terrified. "I was born female. I've worn enough dresses. I'm trying to tell you that... that I don't have a- That I don't have the right parts down there. Just... please don't say you're too gay for me. Please don't say that."

He was expecting any number of questions or accusations or confusion or ignorant statements, but none came. Instead, Kurt pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back while Blaine continued to choke back tears. And then he started to sing. "There's no mountain too high, no river too wide. Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side. Storm clouds may gather, and stars may collide, but I love you until the end of time." He hummed the chorus softly and Blaine clutched at him, not sure if he was calming down or getting ready to start crying harder because this was perfect.

Of course it was perfect. It was Kurt.