Chapter 2

Blaine stood with his forehead resting on his arms against the back wall of the shower. As the almost scalding hot water cascaded over his back, his mind raced with questions. How could Kurt keep something like this to himself? How is he just bringing it up now? Why didn't he push Kurt to talk more, rather than simply agreeing to change the subject when asked. How is Kurt so calm about all of this? Where do they go from here? Knowing that he wasn't going to get any of the answers in the shower, he quickly cleaned his hair and body and shut the water off.

A few minutes later Blaine stepped out of the bathroom in the same sweats he entered with, but hair now damp and curly. Kurt was now out of his bathrobe and into a fashionable set of sweats himself and was sitting at the small table in front of the picture window of their suite, cup of tea in hand. “I had room service bring up a couple of kinds of crackers and cookies in case you wanted a snack with your tea,” he offered while pouring a second cup of the hot liquid for Blaine, mixing in some honey as well. “It's chai tea, your favourite.”

Blaine accepted his cup of tea and sat quietly in the chair across from Kurt and let the steam and sweet smell envelop his senses. “You remembered,” he offered. “It's been at least a year since I had a cup.” Blaine raised the cup to his mouth and took a tentative sip as to not burn his tongue.

“Of course I remembered,” Kurt said with a soft smile. “It was my Mom's favourite as well. How could I ever forget.”

Blaine gave a weak smile, took a larger gulp of his hot tea and set the cup down. They had a lot to discuss and there was no point in dancing around the issues any longer. So, without any lead up at all he simply looked Kurt in the eye and asked the question that was eating at him the most. “Kurt, how is it that we've had sex twice since we broke up and now that we're engaged you can't be intimate with me? I don't understand.”

Kurt set down his cup of tea and looked Blaine right in the eye. “Honestly, do you think you could let me explain it all to you without asking questions? If so, you can ask anything you like once I'm done. But, I don't think I'll get it all out any other way.”

“As long as I can ask any questions I want after, it's ok” Blaine replied.

So, with a simple nod of the head Kurt began:

“I'm honestly ashamed of myself really. Neither of those times should have happened and I immediately regretted it as soon as we were done. But you're like my kryptonite Blaine. I see you and my body reacts. I know that really doesn't make sense, but that doesn't make it any less true.

“Christmas. The first time we had sex since the break-up was the hardest. We had talked about what lead up to you cheating. We both took responsibility for our parts in it and agreed to try and be friends again. Then we talked about my Dad. After all that, I hadn't felt that vulnerable and stripped bare in a long time. I really wanted to be with you. It was what we did when comforting the other. That closeness of being together was like our way of reassuring the other that everything was going to be ok. So, I took it. I took what I needed from you in that moment. The more intimate we became, the visions of you with another man kept getting stronger. I know I said I didn't want to know, but I kept wondering if you had touched him the way you were touching me then. If your fingers were stretching him open the way they were stretching me. I didn't want it to stop but I couldn't keep going the way we were. So, that's when I took control. Do you remember how it went from soft touches; from making love to rough sex? That was because I couldn't do it any other way. I blocked out your face, and took what I needed from you to get off. That's why when we were done, I kissed your forehead and went to sleep on the sofa. I cried myself to sleep that night.”

“WOW.”

Blaine sat dumbfounded as Kurt played with the napkin on the table. He didn't know what he was expecting to hear from Kurt, but that wasn't it. Should he have known that's what it was? Should he feel used? A lot of his questions were answered in Kurt's explanation but now there was one more.

“And Valentines day, at Mr Shue's unwedding?”

“Pretty close to the same thing. I vowed after that night during Christmas that I would never do that to you or myself again. Leading you on like that when I wasn't sure if I could ever get back together with you wasn't right. You didn't need false hope and I didn't need that kind of destructive behaviour in my life. But as soon as I got back to Lima at Valentines and saw you, I knew I was doomed. I tried to fight it, I really did. But it was no use. I had been seeing Adam off and on at the insistence of Rachel. He was so sweet and understanding with everything that happened between us, but I was still so torn over you. I was trying not to be in love with you. I got it stuck in my head that if we were together one more time I would finally be able to move on. So, that's why I initiated the make-out in the back seat. I kept feeling guilty about it, but being with you felt so good. That's also why I got us that hotel room. But, once again you started to get to gentle, too romantic with me and I needed it to stop. So I took control. I've never thought of sex as just something fun to do outside a committed relationship. You know that better than anyone. But in that moment, I had no choice but to play it off like that. If I didn't, I would have broken down in front of you and I just wasn't ready to do that because I didn't have answers, only more questions.”

Kurt looked like he was shrinking in on himself. The full weight of what he just confessed was now out in the open and once again Kurt felt bare. Only this time, it came with shame and regret. He quickly excused himself from the table and went into the bathroom, unable to sit in Blaine's presence for another second. Once inside, he retched and retched until there was nothing else to come up and then he began to sob. He loved Blaine. He truly did and he believed that Blaine loved him too. But how could he ever forgive such a horrid act. Was there any way they could recover from this? Kurt wasn't sure he was ready to find out.