Lightening light up the whole room before thunder clapped from a distance. Blaine was exhausted after the day between lead in a warbler performance this morning and his fight club meeting last night. He lied in bed fully prepared to sleep right threw the storm, until he remembered sleeping over at Kurt and how scared Kurt always was when there was a thunderstorm.
"Kurt?" He called sitting up looking at Kurt turning music up on his iPhone, Blaine reached for his phone and sent Kurt a text telling him to come to bed with him. Kurt took his ear buds out and looked at Blaine.
"What?" He asked with a smile tickling his lips.
"Come here and sleep with me." Blaine said scooting over in his bed, "I know you hate thunderstorms so climb in."
Lightening struck again and the clap was louder even shaking the room a bit. Kurt nearly ran into Blaine's bed and tucked himself close to Blaine. Blaine wrapped his arm around Kurt and felt his heart beating rapidly making Blaine worry a bit about his boyfriend.
"Hey, it's okay Kurt." Blaine cooed maneuvering Kurt so his head was on Blaine chest and their legs tangled together. Blaine rubbed Kurt's back, "what scares you the most about the thunder?"
"You never know when it’s coming, or should loud it’s gonna be." Kurt murmured, "And I hate the rain too. Wet and humid it just sucks."
"Well I'm here, listen to my heart beat and my voice until you fall asleep." Blaine said but the last part was drowned out with a rumble clap of thunder. Kurt squeezed Blaine burring his face into Blaine chest then realized Blaine not wearing a shirt.
"Why didn't you tell me you didn't have a shirt on?" Kurt asked. Blaine looked down at him concerned.
"Do you want me to put one on?"
Kurt shook his head and kissed Blaine. "It’s a good distracter. Where did you go last night?"
Blaine wasn't going to tell Kurt what he was doing. He knew Kurt would pitch a fit with the idea of Blaine fighting for the title. "Car racing, I like to go watch sometimes. I thought you were sleep when I left."
"Car races in Ohio, here I am thinking cow tipping is the only fun thing to do out here." Kurt said with that sarcasm that made Blaine smile. "I woke up and you were gone for a while, then I saw you come back and crash."
Blaine was silent he didn't quite know what to say after that but the rain started to come down harder and it'd be only minutes till the next clap. "You're going home for thanksgiving aren't you?" Blaine decided to change the subject entirely.
"I am, but if you're not doing anything my step mom carol said you could come over." Kurt said.
"That would be nice, Cooper and his girlfriend are going to Albany and I don't want to anymore." Blaine said and the room lit up, Kurt covered his ear and slammed his eyes shut waiting for the thunder. This rumbled was unlike the others it lasted about ten seconds.
Blaine kissed Kurt's forehead and rubbed his back as more thunder shook the room. Blaine noticed Kurt had tears in his eyes and was shaking. There had to be more behind his hate for the thunder. When the back to back rumbles ceased Blaine tried to get Kurt to relax. He pulled Kurt's hands from his ears and whispered, "Babe, it’s over now. We're fine, you're fine."
Blaine wiped Kurt’s tears and pulled him in for a soft kiss to his lips. It was the little moments like this that made Blaine love Kurt the way he did.
Kurt pulled away and looked at Blaine's tired eyes; he had dark circles that defined his face all evening. "I'm keeping you awake aren't I?"
"It doesn't matter," Blaine said softly, Kurt placed his head back to Blaine's chest and closed his eyes. Blaine ran his fingers absently through Kurt’s hair and noticed the rain slowing down and the thunder clapped from a distance. Blaine swore he only blinked but as his eyes opened it was morning and Kurt was fast asleep at his opposite side. Blaine kissed Kurt's for head and left the bed throwing a shirt on grabbing his robe and heading down to breakfast.
Kurt woke up as the door hit the frame he stretched out the spot where Blaine slept was still warm so Kurt looked around the room, before turning over and relaxing in the pillows Blaine warm scents surrounding him. He wrapped his arms around the pillow and felt something strange in the case.
Kurt sat up and reached inside the case pulling out a clear plastic case of straight razors. Kurt shook his head trying to think of reasons Blaine would have this and everything pointed to one answer. Kurt sat up and kicked his feet over the edge of the bed, and Blaine walked in with coffee and bagels.
"Morning babe," Blaine smiled as he set the stuff on their desk he turned to Kurt to see why he didn't get a response. He saw his razors in Kurt's hand and got upset.
"Why do you have these? You don't shave your body and you have an electric shaver for your facial hair. Do you..." Kurt sucked in a breath and shook his head.
"Why were you going through my stuff?" Blaine asked in a hard voice.
"I wasn't, it was in the pillow case." Kurt answered speaking very calm and softly, "you didn't answer my question... why do you have these?"
"Because I do okay. It’s none of you damn business," Blaine said snatching the case out of Kurt's hands.
Kurt looked up at Blaine and saw the pain in his eyes, "Blaine please, you can talk to me." Kurt pleated. "I don't know what you were feeling before but I'm here now, I'm not going to judge you I want to help you."
"No, I don't need your help or anyone else." Blaine hissed and walked out the room Kurt stood up and chased after him.
"Blaine wait," he choked grabbing Blaine's hand. Blaine only stopped but didn't look at Kurt.
"What?" He hissed through clenched teeth.
"Give them to me." Kurt said each word like they didn't belong together in the sentence.
Blaine let go of Kurt hand and dropped the razors hot angry tears sliding down his cheeks and he slammed into the bathroom door. He went into one of the stalls and broke down sobbing.
Kurt didn't follow him in; he picked up the case and returned to their room where he did everything he could not to lose it. After an hour passed Kurt was in full panic mode as he walked into first block and Blaine wasn't there. Then class after class Blaine was nowhere to be found.
After Blaine cried in the bathroom he snuck off campus to his storage unit to think about what he was going to do next. His biggest secret was out; he couldn't look at Kurt now. The sympathy in Kurt eyes, the way he looked superior to Blaine. He was stronger than Blaine. He got through those three year of high school without a scratch. But Blaine wasn't that strong, he didn't have people to talk to, he had a razor blade, or box cutter even a pocket knife if he was desperate enough.
He didn't do it for attention, or as a cry for help, he did it because he liked it. The ripping of his flesh, the bright red as it drips from the cut. It was therapy o Blaine. While the fight club kept him sharp so no person could attack him and win, the cutting filled that empty place where all his sadness stayed. His parent disowning him, his brother too far to help, the pain became soothing like the hugs he no longer received.
No one knew, Wes assumed but never did anything about it. Sebastian and the warblers were too distracted by Blaine voice to see the hurt in his heart. But the moment Kurt gets here the truth is out.
Kurt searched the whole school twice trying to find Blaine during lunch; he was so desperate he went to Sebastian. He was sitting in the junior commons with nick rehearsing the solo nick had next week.
"Hey Sebastian," Kurt said. He and Sebastian almost never talked, Sebastian was shouting orders and Kurt replied sarcastic remarks about everything. Sebastian sent nick away and looked at Kurt.
"What do you want?" He asked curtly.
"Have you seen Blaine?" Kurt asked meekly.
Sebastian cocked his head to the side and a smirk appeared on his face. "Did you and Blaine fight? You two have been hanging like utters on a cow and now here you are."
"Its none of your business, have you seen him or not." Kurt asked growing frustrated with Sebastian.
"It was about socks huh, he hates socks with a passion. He doesn't own any, just the few sets Dalton gives with the uniform. Do you leave yours on the floor?" Sebastian held his laughter back.
Kurt rolled his eyes, "forget I asked."
"He just got here; he's in the gym now. You better put your socks away." Sebastian called out, "don't be late to warbler practice!"
Kurt walked across the campus to the gym and tried to think of something to say. He was the only one in there, next to the sounds of someone in the weight room. Kurt walked in to see Blaine boxing and was worried about him.
"Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you." Kurt said.
"You found me." Blaine said hitting the punching bag harder.
"Why are you being mean to me?"
"I'm not."
"Yes Blaine, you are. I haven't done anything to you but you’re lashing out at me. I don't care about the razors, I care about you." Kurt said with a bit of anger to his tone.
"Its not about you Kurt, it was my secret and you know it now, every time I pick up something sharp you’re going to worry and think I'm cutting myself. Don't want that between us." Blaine stopped boxing to talk to Kurt.
Kurt was looking for scars on his wrist but didn't see any, "I would have found out eventually, I understand you don't want my help but just tell me how bad it is." Kurt asked.
Blaine shook his head and let out a hot laugh. "How bad is it? I don't Kurt; I cut myself to feel something I know isn't a lie. I like it I'm not crazy or suicidal, I just need the release."
"What about this, you're a pretty good boxer as far as I can tell, isn't this a release?"
"I'm not telling you all my secrets Kurt." Blaine looked at his boxing gloves and started to rip them off.
"I didn't ask for them, Blaine when you bleed you're not free, life's not easy I get it but please, you're not alone anymore, I can't help you if you don't tell me things." Kurt walked over to Blaine and looked at him hoping Blaine would just hug him and tell Kurt everything. Instead Blaine walked around him and looked over his shoulder as he spoke.
"Please just forget about it. I can't talk about it." He walked into the showers and Kurt ran out the room and sat on the bleachers and started crying. What was he going to do, Blaine is pushing him away, and he wished he could forget something like his but he couldn't. He heard the shower end and decided to just go back to his room and skip his last class.
Blaine left the gym and went upstairs to the common room to play on the piano for a while but to his surprise Sebastian was already trying to play. It didn't south to well so Blaine cleared his throat and smiled at Sebastian.
"Do you need help, because that sounds horrible?" Blaine teased sitting beside Sebastian, "What are you working on?"
"Your love by the outfield. I'm trying to make it into a ballad. Your much better t this then I am." Sebastian stood up and let Blaine half the entire bench to play.
"That's a strange song, what's the occasion?" Blaine asked.
"I want to sing it to someone." Sebastian said.
"Are you seeing someone?" Blaine asked, but Sebastian shook his head no. "I'm sorry we haven't been hanging out that much, I've been with Kurt so much I forgot about everyone else."
"Its fine, your here now." Sebastian smiled and stood above Blaine resting his hands on Blaine shoulders, "tell me your honest opinion about the song."
Blaine nodded his head and began to play a soft melody for Sebastian to sing to. (CLICK )
"Josie's on a vacation far away come around and talk it over. So many things that I want to say you know I like my boys a little bit older." Sebastian winked at Blaine making him smile. "I just wanna use your love tonight I don't wanna lose your love tonight." Sebastian looked at Blaine with love and passion but Blaine couldn't see it, he was blind to Sebastian infatuation and just focused on the key strokes.
"I ain't got many friends left to talk to No one’s around when I'm in trouble. You know I'd do anything for you, Stay the night but keep it undercover. I just wanna use your love tonight; I don't wanna lose your love tonight." As Sebastian sang Blaine started to realize why Kurt was doing, he just wanted Blaine to feel loved not want to run away.
"Try hard to stop my hands from shakin' 'Cause somethin' in my mind's not makin' sense it’s been awhile since we were all alone I can't hide the way I'm feelin'." Sebastian sat down beside Blaine and gazed at him as he sung the last part.
"As you're leaving, please, would you close the door? And don't forget what I told you Just 'cause you're right, that don't mean I'm wrong, Another shoulder to cry upon I just wanna use your love tonight, I don't wanna lose your love tonight. I just wanna use your love tonight; I don't wanna lose your love tonight. I just wanna use your love tonight I don't wanna lose your love tonight." Blaine ended the song and Sebastian just wanted to kiss him but Blaine didn't look over at Sebastian he closed his eyes and covered his face.
"What's wrong?" Sebastian asked.
"I really like the song, it was eye opening. I was a jerk to Kurt and I have to apologize." Blaine stood up and looked at Sebastian, "whoever you sing it to will love it. He's a lucky guy to have you." Blaine disappeared down the hall and Sebastian felt like he was talking to a wall. Of course it was Kurt, it’s always Kurt.
Blaine opened the door and saw Kurt at the end of his bed quickly wiping away the tears on his cheeks.
"I didn't think you'd be back so soon." Kurt said grabbing tissue.
"I'm sorry, Kurt." Blaine said taking three strides to Kurt and engulfing him in a hug. "I don't know why I got so upset, I should be using your love not losing it."
Kurt gave him a strange look, "are you interpreting 80's rock hits into your apology?"
Blaine smiled and kissed Kurt passionately, "yes I am. I should tell you I haven't cut since you became my boyfriend."
"But your wrists are clean." Kurt said looking at Blaine's hand at his waist.
"I told you I don't do it for attention, I cut my legs were no one sees." Blaine said feeling strange just telling Kurt these things.
"You can talk to me Blaine, I'm not telling anyone, I just don't want you to hurt yourself anymore."
"Kurt, I-" Blaine took a breath and said, "I love you, and I want to tell you everything but I just need time."
Kurt stared at Blaine for a minute. Blaine loves him, what more could a boy ask. "I love you too Blaine, no secrets between us okay." Kurt kissed Blaine and pulled him into bed to just lie together kissing each other til warbler practice.