One of my fondest memories as a child comes from my first camping trip with my uncle Joe and his son Damon. I was 11 and we got rained out of the campsite so Joe took us to this bar slash hotel. It was open like night and the first time I ever stepped foot into a bar.

I sat in awe of the nightlife. Everything was fabulous I wanted that life for myself. But then I went home. The smell of beer in a bar is completely different then beer on my father's breath.

I didn't go to a had again until I was 16 and I was picking up one of my friends after the bartender called me. It was completely different then my first bar. This one smelt like cigars which were amazing, but still smelt like my father.

My only two bar experiences resulted in me thinking of my father in the long term. When Hunter first brought me here all I could smell was the blood in the back rooms. Similar to then, the sickly sweet blood sent me into a form of PTSD. Quinn's screams echo in the back of my mind as I did everything I could to leave without making a monster of myself.

Now was just a bad, I kept my jaw clenched tight and didn't breath. Kurt noticed (he notices everything) and took my hand holding it tightly.

"I win." Alexia said with a huge grin.

"You cheated." Marley said leading the way to a booth near the pool tables.

"There were no rules." Alexia said to Marley.

"What can I get you to drink?" Ryder said pulling my attention from the bickering girls.

"Water." I said regrettably the smell of blood touched the back of my throat causing it to burn with thirst.

"I'll have a gin and tonic." Kurt replied, Ryder nodded and left to the bar. I turned my head into Kurt shoulder distracting the smell of blood in the room with his warm floral musk.

He put his arm around me and whispered, "words can't explained how much I've missed you."

I didn't replied I couldn't. I missed him dearly, but I couldn't say it. I was still afraid he would leave when I closed my eyes.

Ryder brought the drinks over, "here we go." He said passing drinks around.

"I think I'm going to quench my other thirst first. Anyone care to join me?" Hunter asked rising from his chair.

Marley gave Ryder a quick kiss and stood next to hunter. "Coming Blaine?" She asked me.

"Come on Blaine you look sick this will make you feel so much better." Hunter said.

"I'm fine." I utter.

"Suit your self." The two left without a second word. I stared at my drink the lights in the bar giving the water a red hue, or perhaps that was my imagination it seemed to grow darker the longer I looked.

"Blaine," Alexia said pulling my focus, "I lost you there for a second."

"I'm sorry what did you say?" I said looking at her.

"How is the animal diet? When I was human I wanted to be a vegetarian and there is nothing worse then meat substitute. I was for I think 2 months before I gave up." She said.

"I was a vegetarian actually. For 6 years...." I took a drink of water and sighed, "I guess the blood is different but I don't care."

"That's really cool," Ryder said. "You know I would love to try hunting with you one day. On your turf of course. I feel like it will be fun, I mean humans its like bite drink dispose. But an animal it's true hunting, chasing your food is exciting isn't it?"

I shrugged; I've always chased my food. I chased Quinn.... after anyone sees my blood lust face they'd run.

"Maybe it's my age but I prefer it when I don't have to chase at all. I love bars like this or blood bags. I feel better when it's willing." Kurt said.

I felt so uncomfortable with this conversation as Alexia explained her preference. I took another long drink of water and heard a woman scream. Everyone in the bar turned and looked as the bouncer rushed into the feeding room. Then one by one every vampire came out looking upset. Hunter and Marley came over smelling of fresh blood. My nostrils flared and I saw red.

"Some bastard always ruins it when I get in there." Marley complained.

"That's why you buy two girls, not try and drain one." Hunter said licking the blood off his lips.

Everyone kept talking but I couldn't hear a thing, the spot of blood on hunter collar mesmerized me. I stopped breathing completely and looked away from him grabbing Kurt's drink and downing it completely before standing up, "I have to go." I announced.

I was walking out without another passing word. I got to the street and took a shallow breath. Kurt was right behind me, "Blaine?"

"Sorry I just needed to get out of there." I mumbled.

"Don't apologize, are you hungry?" He asked.

"No, I fed this morning I just can't control my blood lust especially when it's out in the air like that." I said.

"Can we walk?" He asked. I didn't reply instead I began to stroll down the street with Kurt at my side.

It hasn't even been a day and I felt ten times less lonely then before. "What was your first year like?" I asked after walking half a block.

"Amelia had me on a tight leash. I couldn't do anything; I ate three times a day, traveled across the British Isles. I was practically shackled to her hip until my third year when she let me hunt alone. Then another three go by and she is dead." Kurt looked lost at thought in the moments he was reminiscing. He sighed an shook his head, "not nearly as exciting as yours."

"This year has been everything but exciting." I said dully.

"True, at least we're together again." He stopped walking and looked at me, "that's the important part right."

"I guess," I said with a sigh. "things have changed Kurt... I've changed." I tried to push him away but he shook his head and stopped me from speaking with a kiss.

"You will always be the love of my existence. The only thing that has changed is control, and I don't care if you eat rats for the next five hundred years, as long as I can hold your hand, and kiss your lips, I don't care." My eyes welted up with tears, "I love you Michael Blaine Anderson, and no later what changes I always will!"

He spoke with such certainty, being wrapped in his embrace made me feel lie nothing at all changed but I knew better.

Anatole France said, 'All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.' As long as I live in this Covent I was the new Blaine. Even if Kurt still loved me, I wasn't sure if I loved myself.