I remember being suicidal in 8th grade. I was bullied in school, abused at home. I wanted to die so I didn't hurt anymore. I though maybe there is a better place then earth. Maybe I'd be a ghost, showing everyone what they can't see. Or maybe heaven, I went to church I knew it was an option for me. But not if I killed myself.
I use to sit and watch cars and wonder if I stepped out would I go over or under the vehicle. I knew I wanted to die by accident and stepping out in front of a car was the best idea. Then of course Quinn found out. She found my letter and saved my life all those years ago.
Today I sit inside thinking if I slip off my ring and meet the sun it would be an easy way to go. Then I think of Kurt of course he would save me. I just didn't want him to.
Meghan O'Rourke said, "A death from a long illness is very different from a sudden death. It gives you time to say goodbye and time to adjust to the idea that the beloved will not be with you anymore."
I knew if I was going to die, I needed to say good bye to Kurt and everyone else will hear about it eventually. He has been packing and getting us ready to move some place. I don't even know. I hardly listen to anything. I can't tell what's Michael and what's reality.
Kurt decided to keep us in Sebastian's cabin so I had easier access to food and not people. It was empty but our new home until I fucked up.
Kurt walked in to our room and sat beside me. A big part of me missed us, I just hide all day trying not to hurt anyone or myself. I never react to his present like before. I feel dead before I even am.
"Rachel is going to come this weekend help us move in with her in new york. She really wants to see you. She misses you." He said waiting for me to reply.
"Please say something." He said staring at me. I had nothing to say I was too sick to pretend anymore. I couldn't move, I just blinked and continued staring at the floor.
My head replayed the night Kurt found out I was a ripper. He hasn't changed a bit. He doesn't care how I eat as long as I do. He never stop loving me, whereas I stopped loving him, and myself.
I couldn't speak, I felt Michael ripping at my every emotion making me go insane. Some days I see him walking around next to me. Some days he is making me hallucinate, shoving thoughts in my head of things "we've" done together. Most days he's in the mirror. Today he was in my head and my body. I felt him ripping though my skin. Shooting pain to my stomach making my appetite increase. I was tired.
He was also the reason for my suicidal thoughts. He told me to let him go, to put down my wall and share the blood lust with him. Or he would push me and push me until I just ended it. I accepted that him taking over my body is the worse thing in the world. But dying.... that seems peaceful.
I leaned my head on Kurt's shoulder, showing him though Michael had my tongue I felt Kurt's love for me. When I leaned over everything went silent. Every pain Michael was putting me through was suddenly gone. I opened my mouth and after 4 days of utter silence I spoke, "happy one years anniversary, I love you."
My voice was horse and raspy but Kurt smiled. He took my hand and leaned his head on mine.
"Happy anniversary baby." He kissed the side of my head."I've been working so hard to find a way to fix you. In new York, we will have Rachel, and she knows witches that can help us. She even knows first generation vampires. I know its hard but I'm going to do everything I can." He said.
"Okay." I swallowed hard.
"Don't worry. It will end soon." Michael said look at me. He was pulling things out of his pockets and they made these loud noises. I flinched as the first one went out.
Kurt noticed and sighed, "lay with me. I'll sing you a song, when did you sleep last."
"Good question!" Michael said throwing Popper making me flinch. "I had my fun about 10 days ago, and other then you're vervain trip you've slept 12 hours in ten days. Before someone wakes you."
I shrugged, every morning I walk down the road eat whatever wild animal I see first. Then I return and Michael is awake upset with my diet and tortures me the rest of the day.
"Its been a while," Kurt said standing up. When he let me go I cringed as the pain was restored ten fold. He noticed my sudden discomfort and hurried to adjust the bed. He had his arms round my torso and kissed my neck.
"I wish I could make it all better." He said.
I closed my eyes and when I woke I was in the forest cover in blood and Michael was sitting beside me. "That was fun thank you."
"What did you do? What are you talking about?" I stammered trying to stand. I was surrounded by dead bodies, and all of them started waking up.
"We just made some new vampires. You know, vampire blood is like soda, bad for you but really really good." He said.
"What's going on?" I sniffed the air looking for answers.
"They aren't vampire yet, but the warblers have volunteered to feed the new family. Lets join the hunt." Michael said with a gleeful smile.
"No, I refuse to hurt them." I said looking around spotting a cottage where the boys must have been staying.
"Then I guess you better start killing the kiddos, like good bread, they are starting to rise." He said walking away.
"I can't kill all these people!" I shouted at him.
"To bad, here come Nick and Jeff, hate to see them dismembered. They were your best friends back in high school." He shouted back. I looked at the people rising and saw one heading right for the cottage.
"Run!" I shouted before jumping out of bed shaking and nauseated.
"Breath Blaine." Rachel was at my bed side. I jumped back terrified of her.
"Please don't kill me." I stuttered.
"I'm not going to. I forgive you. It was an accident and as you maker I want you back in my life for good." She said taking my hand.
"Is this real?" I asked looking around for Michael.
"Very real Blaine. I woke you up, its been three day. Kurt needs you. I saw what you were dreaming and I pulled you out." She said.
I let go of her hand and looked around, "you saved me?"
"No Blaine, only death could save you." Michael came up from behind Rachel and snapped her neck off. I screamed and ran out of the room.
"Blaine stop it! What you see isn't real! I'm real Blaine! I'm right here!" She shouted but I was running out the door ramming right into Kurt.
"Blaine? What's wrong?" He asked me.
"Run." I breathed looking over my shoulder seeing Michael walking towards Kurt. I got out of his grip and ran hopping he would follow but I turned around and saw Michael had his hand through Kurt's chest and ripped his heart out.
I screamed and fell to my knees. "Why!" I screamed to Michael.
"Free me Blaine! Let me go!"
"Never! Give me the true death! You will never win." I cried. I closed my eyes and there were hands on me, I looked up to see Rachel and Kurt helping me.
The twilight yard was clear and no sign of Michael but I was still shaking. Rachel spoke to Kurt, "this is worse then what you said."
"I am so close to fixing him. I just don't know how much time I have." Kurt said.
"He's going to hurt us or himself. We should leave first thing tomorrow the faster were in new york the sooner you can talk to the witch." Rachel said. They sat me on the couch, and once they let go of my Michael appeared laughing.
"Boy that was fun! Upset she ended the dream early though. Maybe we can finish it tonight." He said. I scrambled to grab Rachel's hand and she flinched as I showed her my dream and Micheal.
She let go and grabbed both sides of my face. "I am real Blaine. Micheal does not exist. Its just you in you're head. No one else." She tried compelling me and it was working Michael was fading away as she spoke. "We are going to get through this, but you need to know that Michael is not real. He can not hurt me. I made you I know what you're capable of doing. And I still love you for it."
"He's gone." I muttered, she wraps me in a hug and holds me. We were quiet as thieves for hours. Rachel disappeared but Kurt stood still as stone thinking hard about what's next for us all.
"You should go feed Blaine, you've been out cold for days." Kurt said.
"I'm not hungry. I'll go just not yet." I said.
I waited for Michael to appear but when he didn't I let go of the breath I had been holding.
It was time. I couldn't let him win again. I needed to say good bye.
Kurt was in the office making phone calls, and Rachel was sitting in the window with a mug of coffee looking outside thinking. I couldn't say goodbye to Kurt. He would stop me and that left me no where.
"What is it?" She asked opening her arms up to me.
"Nothing." I said, "I'm glad you're back, I wish there was something for you to come back too, but i love you so much. Never forget it."
"I couldn't fathom forgetting you Blaine." She said pushing my hair out of my face.
I bit back tears as I kissed her cheek and whispered, "I'm going to go feed."
I pulled away and she stopped me and looked at me, "what are you thinking?"
"Nothing." I muttered.
"are you sure?" She asked. I shook my head no. "I know that look. I've scene it before on Kurt, You're not coming back are you?"
"I'll come back." I lied. I shook her hold and started to the door.
With her vampire speed she jumped in front of me muttering, "I don't believe you."
" If I don't recover? Sell this house and find, Something lost outside your window." I sung, "Not forever But on the night I die I swear. I'll sleep outside your window." I tried to pull away but she tightened her hold.
"I feel the knife going in I'm feeling anxious Not enough to kill me." She sung back. "I thought it'd happen fast But I'm feeling it now and I feel anxious Sleeping inches from me I let it pass."
"Emy should I stop? Do you think I'll make It to the morning if it's written? Stitch it up." I sighed letting the tears fall from my eyes.
"The kind of song I know causes mother, sister, lover worry I feel the knife going in I'm feeling anxious Not enough to kill me I thought it'd happen fast But I'm feeling it now And I feel anxious Sleeping inches from me I let it pass." She had tears in her eyes as well.
"I'm coming back." I said Kissing her cheek. "I'm coming back." She let me go but stared at me as I walked out the door.