Its a terrible love and Im walking with spiders

Its a terrible love that Im walking in

Terrible Love by The National/Birdy

Kurt returned to work the following day, quieter, with his head bowed so as not to draw any attention to himself. Upon enquiries into his health he kept his answers simple and avoided eye contact; he was there to complete a job and he would do it well.

The beauty of the stage, Kurt discovered that day, was the illusion of pretence. You could become whatever you wanted, take on a role so unlike yourself, or live a life so far removed from your own situation, that there was a beautiful freedom in going to work after spending a day at his apartment. Kurt didnt think of himself and what had happened but threw himself into the production. Here he was free from James and prying friends. All except Patty.

She eyed him curiously when he entered the rehearsal space, and when he went to the script table, where changes were displayed, she followed him. It was only when he was peering over sheets that he noticed her presence out of the corner of his eye.

"Are you ok?" he asked, giving an angry look.

"I was just going to ask the same question myself."

"Oh right," he said, still peering over the script and avoiding her eye. "Yeah, Im fine thanks, all better."

"Anthony said it was a stomach bug."

"Yeah thats right, I was up all night, but all better now."

She nodded, pursing her lips, wondering what to say.

"You seemed fine during the day."

It was accusatory and Kurt recognised the tone.

"You think I played hooky?"

"Oh no," she said smiling, her eyes wide, her tone one of easy placation. "I just worried about you."

Kurt nodded. "Really, Im fine."

There was a silence that loomed, Kurt deliberately looking at the script, though he read nothing. She waited and just as Kurt thought she was getting bored and might bother someone else, she touched his elbow. The gesture caught him off guard and he looked up in surprise.

"You would tell me if anything was wrong?" she asked quietly, searching his face for some confirmation. He said nothing. "I know work can get a little time consuming, but Im always there if you need me." She came a little closer, her eyes boring into his and he swallowed nervously.

"Anytime."

He nodded mutely and she almost flounced off, her hair bouncing as she went to speak to Anthony, leaving Kurt surprised. He felt tears spring to his eyes that someone cared that much but then he schooled his face, showing grim determination and he sipped his take away coffee.

---

Blaine had stood guard by the curtains the night before, until both Kurt and James appeared to be sleeping well. He realised he looked like a creeper but he kept his curtains open all night and woke early, jumping up to inspect their bedroom once again. They both appeared to be sleeping and Blaine relaxed. He casually watched until Kurt left for work and although he was tempted to catch up with him, talk again about the day before, he knew he couldnt. Kurt made it quite clear he wanted his space and Blaine wanted only the best. He needed to know he was doing the right thing though and there was only one person he knew he could call.

Ruby answered after the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hi Ruby, its Blaine."

"Oh hi, I didnt know you had my number. What can I do for you?"

"I need some advice actually. I wondered if you were free?"

There was a slight hesitation and then she answered slowly.

"Sure. Im working but I could meet you for lunch. 12 sound ok?"

Blaine gave her his number and they agreed a meeting place. Once he had hung up, Blaine felt a little more at ease. At least something was being done. At least he could do this one thing for Kurt, even if Kurt hadnt acknowledged that he needed help just yet.

---

Ruby was flustered when she arrived late, pushing past someone as they left the coffee shop and coming to Blaines table quickly, without ordering her own drink.

"Sorry, sorry, didnt mean to be late."

"No worries." Blaine was a little surprised. No one he knew ever apologised for being late. She sat down and took off her coat, her eyes wide and expectant when she had finished.

"Oh right," Blaine said, sitting up straighter, understanding his role had changed. "You want to know why I wanted to meet up."

She smiled and nodded.

"Right, where do I start?" He hesitated; his fingers wrung together, his eyes darting around the table.

"Is it Kurt?" she asked quietly and he looked up quickly, his triangular eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"How did you know?"

"I guessed from the other week. He got out of that club pretty quickly and I remember saying to you, hinting what he would need. I guess when you rang, I put two and two together."

He nodded, her explanation sounding very reasonable. It made him think.

"How did you know that about him? How did you recognise it?"

She pursed her lips together. She hardly knew Blaine but she could already tell Kurt meant a great deal to him.

"What has happened to Kurt?" she said quietly.

Blaine wasnt sure how much to reveal as it wasnt his story to tell but Ruby seemed to understand.

"I wont tell anyone else, even Tess."

He already knew as much. He nodded and told her all that happened. Instead of gasping at the climax of the story, the horror that Kurt was living with, she merely nodded and Blaine felt his chest deflate.

"I need to save him."

She smiled sadly. "Its not that easy Blaine. Only Kurt can save himself, its nothing to do with you."
"What do you mean?" Her statement went against everything he had ever been taught about chivalry and kindness and friendship. He couldnt just do nothing.

"He needs to make the decision to leave, you cant force it."

"I dont get why he stays."

"Because I dont think anyone has ever told him how relationships go. To him, this is all that he is worth."

Blaine scoffed. "Thats ridiculous. Kurts great and beautiful and he could do so much better."

Wow, he has it bad, she thought.

"I dont doubt that, but the fact still remains that Kurt doesnt know that, he doesnt believe it."

Blaine thought this through. He vaguely remembered something Kurt mentioned in conversation on one of their coffee trips.

"He did once tell me about his high school." Ruby leant forward, much more interested. "There was this one guy that made his life a living hell, he said. Pushed him against lockers, called him disgusting names, threatened him, even said he would kill him once."

"High school was the worst time of my life," Ruby said, looking like she might be sick at the memory. "I live everyday, grateful that I am now an adult."

"Well this guy, he said, hate kissed him once, came out eventually but Kurt never saw him again."

"That explains some of it."

"It does?" Blaine asked.

Ruby nodded. "I was bullied quite horrifically in my high school equivalent. You could almost say it was emotional torture. I knew I had to go to school and my parents did what they could but it was my own personal hell. You think that no one notices. You end up thinking that no cares so if you were to just disappear then no one would miss you. How did it end for Kurt?"
"He told me the guy eventually left to complete his senior year somewhere else."

"So it was never fully resolved," she nodded like it was all coming together in her mind. "Did anyone notice or help?"

"He said his teacher noticed but couldnt do anything about it."

Ruby laughed in a mocking way. "Yeah, teachers have a habit of saying stuff like that."

"Its outrageous though," Blaine said, feeling his spine tingle in annoyance. "Guys like that shouldnt get away with it."

"There was probably no one else that really noticed." Her voice was eerily quiet, like she herself was accepting things that she wished werent true. Blaine paused, images of Kurt coming to mind.

"What happened to you?"

"I tried to disappear."

She said nothing else and Blaine asked no more questions. That couldnt happen to Kurt, he wouldnt let him, though he pushed Blaine away. Kurt had to be stronger.

"But that was high school, Kurt has a successful career now, he doesnt have to put up with this as an adult."

"No, but if you honestly believe you are worth nothing more, you accept it. It must be how things are."

Blaine shook his head, closed his eyes.

"What do I do?" he said weakly.

She grabbed his hand, causing him to open his eyes.

"You are there for him, let him know that you always will be. Whatever you can do to make his life easier, make him laugh, make him aware, just do it. He will need you more than ever."

"Why?" he asked, despite knowing the horrible answer.

"Because all his friends will be pushed away and he will be more and more isolated. He will have no one else."

Blaine swallowed. He couldnt let that happen.

"What happened to you?" he whispered, almost scared to find out the answer.

There was a beat of silence then only one word was uttered.

"Horrors."

---

Kurt made it back before James had to leave for his performance that night. He was exhausted, his day stretching longer as the protective walls he had spent all day building, were erected around him. He felt his shoulders sag as he entered his apartment but they rose stiffly as James approached.

"Did you come straight home?" James asked accusatorily.

"Yes."

"Let me take your satchel." Kurt, for the briefest of seconds, thought that James was being helpful, until he saw him root in his bag for his phone.

"Did you get any messages?"

Kurt didnt answer but James seemed relieved when he saw his phone. It was placed back in the satchel without comment.

Kurt plopped down on the sofa, closed his eyes in pain but he couldnt decide where it hurt. James looked carefully and then he made tea.

"What are you doing?" Kurt asked after a while, the silence a little too ominous for him now. James handed him a cup.

"Making a tea, you look tired." Kurts mouth opened. "Fancy going out for an early supper before I have to be out?"

Kurt wasnt sure how to answer. James saw the hesitation.

"Just say it Kurt, you want a quiet night in?"

Kurt nodded in relief that James didnt seem to be too annoyed.

"Thats fine, I can start dinner."

Kurt didnt understand. His behaviour was so hot and cold. He looked to James back where he was putting pasta in a saucepan, his hands sure, his back muscles stretching with his movements and just sat in silence. Were things back to normal? Could this ever be a normal relationship again?

"Fancy some wine with dinner?" James asked without turning around.

Kurt tried for a casual answer but his voice faltered, went slightly higher. "Sure, thatll be great."

James turned and smiled, almost a mega watt smile, reminding Kurt that James had his teeth bleached about a month ago.

"You can have a nap if you like honey," James said, going back to his place by the hob as he stirred the pasta. "Ill let you know when dinners ready."

Kurt stood slowly and walked to his bedroom, watching James as he went in order to determine if things were to change suddenly. James remained calm and Kurt, his back still taut and stressed, went to snuggle under the covers.