Chapter 9

"You know?" Blaine breathed, whispered so only Kurt could hear.

Kurt simply nodded and smiled. Blaine felt a slight panic rise in his chest and he battled with the tears that had pooled in his eyes and as Kurt noticed his struggle he gently took his hand, leading him out of the choir room, where the rest of glee club were looking on with open mouths, puzzled expressions.

They walked down the hallway, Kurt tugging Blaine gently, and Blaine following like a lost puppy, swallowing madly as a lump rose in his throat. Kurt knew…

Kurt stopped round the corner by the now empty stairwell and turned to look at Blaine, such kindness in his eyes Blaine felt his shoulders drop from where he had held them so high and rigid.

"I'm sorry Blaine, I've known for a while. Your letters were so sweet and so truthful, I didn't want them to stop," he whispered, "I wanted to tell you, wanted you to be able to talk to me, just me without the letters but they made my day better, I looked forward to them. I'm sorry…" Kurt worried his lip under his teeth and Blaine almost giggled he looked so concerned about Blaine's opinion. No one had cared that much before.

"I don't understand Kurt," Blaine heard himself say; "I mean you liked the letters?" He asked incredulously.

"Of course," Kurt almost gushed, "And all the kind things you did: Karofsky, this scarf…" he said as his fingers traced the edges of the blue material around his neck, "You saved me Blaine and I so desperately wanted to save you too and now I sound foolish and dramatic," he said as he looked down at his feet. "I mean I wanted you to believe in yourself. You need to know."

"Know what?" Blaine whispered, almost not daring to believe, not wanting to know, to break the spell, but he looked into those piercing blue eyes and believed.

"Know that you're special Blaine," Kurt whispered, a twinkle of caring and kindness in his eyes.

Blaine couldn't believe this was happening, he'd dreamt so often of blue eyes, hands held, kisses shared and yet this took his breath away. The idea that Kurt thought he was special was amazing to him.

"Why don't we get coffee?" Kurt asked after a moment of silence. He understood Blaine needed to process what had happened and they agreed to meet in twenty minutes at a small Starbucks not too far away but set apart from the popular McKinley hangouts.

xXx

Kurt arrived first, sitting there waiting with two coffees, hoping that Blaine would like the medium drip he had ordered for him. Blaine sat in his car for a few minutes before he ventured into the coffee shop and he took a few deep breaths as he entered, feeling silly that he had worried so much about Kurt finding out when the moment was turning out so much sweeter than he expected.

He smiled as he approached Kurt and found that he had already ordered a coffee for him.

"I hope this is ok?" Kurt asked, suddenly worried, "I mean I can order another coffee if you want?"

"No this is lovely Kurt thanks; I'll just get some sugar." Kurt looked at Blaine's tense shoulders and back as he walked to the dispenser and he tried to work out how he felt about Blaine. He knew he liked him, wanted to know him better but he was unsure how this was going to work. I mean he already knew so much about this guy, but he almost felt like he'd been eavesdropping and that he shouldn't know so much. This would be awkward and the already shy Blaine might retreat and Kurt suddenly knew he wanted Blaine as a friend above all else. They would simply need to start again.

"Thanks Kurt," Blaine said, as he took his drink and sat down opposite Kurt in a comfy sofa seat.

"I know this is awkward Blaine, but I want you to know I'll still keep your secrets, I won't tell anyone…"

Blaine nodded and smiled shyly. "Thanks Kurt, I mean I feel like I forced all this stuff on you, I just felt like I needed to tell someone and I don't really know anyone here…" his voice trailing away.

"I understand Blaine, I really do. I know what's it's like to feel lonely and to think no one notices or really listens. I'm just so grateful that you noticed, I mean what you did was just amazing Blaine…" Kurt smiled warmly and Blaine's fears instantly vanished as he looked at this boy that he had managed to help.

"Don't worry, I just really wanted to help you after you helped me so much."

"I didn't really do anything, I mean you have that inside you already Blaine, you just needed someone to share it with."

"No Kurt, I knew you'd understand, I knew you'd care as soon as I saw you. Do you remember that first morning when I joined the school, my first slushie? You looked after me, noticed me and tried to include me. I just wish I had your confidence." He looked down at his hands and felt foolish.

"It's all an act most days," Kurt chuckled, "Someone has to keep Rachel in check, she can't get all the solos."

Blaine relaxed. That was the great thing about Kurt - sometimes Blaine knew he could allow himself to worry too much and over-think everything. Kurt made him feel lighter, helped him to know that life wasn't that serious.

"I am sorry about your friend though Blaine," Kurt said after a while, looking at him carefully, "I mean it's horrible that that happened. I know I'm extremely lucky to have such a great dad, I don't know where I would be without him…" He looked at the top of his coffee mug, watching the top of his mocha swirl.

"Have you ever thought about it?" Kurt asked quietly, hoping he wasn't overstepping. Blaine looked at Kurt surprised he was asking, surprised that he found himself answering despite the lack of paper to act as a buffer for his secrets.

"I've thought about it, not seriously, never really considering it but I have wondered. Not wondered how I would, just wondered how my family would react, just wondered what would happen to me afterwards. I worry that life is a collection of nothings and I hate that feeling most of all. I never want life to be a waste but I never know what I want to do with it." Blaine felt pathetic as he finished. He couldn't even definitely say either way and he felt his life was already a teenage cliché. Kurt looked at him kindly though and he thought maybe Kurt had felt the same so he asked him too.

"Yeah, like I said in my letter," Kurt blushed slightly as he referred to his replies, thinking of some of the things he had written, "I felt lonely, thought about what it would be like but I know I could never do it, I could never hurt my family like that, especially my dad. I don't know what I would feel like if I didn't have anyone, if I felt so alone and desperate like that? I don't know, I'm just really lucky I guess," Kurt shrugged sadly, looking at his coffee again, "And I have you, my secret letter writer." He smiled warmly and Blaine met his gaze and smiled in return.

"You really liked the letters?" Blaine whispered.

"Yes," Kurt said, laughing, "They were great to receive after a bad day or when lessons were really dull. I loved hearing about someone else and what they are thinking. Everyone pretends they are fine, that everything is ok but those letters let me know that I wasn't alone and that my thoughts weren't inconsequential. It's a pity they have to stop really," Kurt said sadly.

Blaine looked up and suddenly his expression changed, he was clearly thinking.

"What if they didn't stop?" Blaine asked, "I mean what if we kept writing?"

"Well it seems a bit silly now we both know."

"But they don't have to be all the time, just when he don't feel like we can communicate any other way. I mean, I love writing letters. It's the only time I can really let go and not care what people think of me all the time. I know I'm not the most confident of people but I wish I were."

"Well I don't mind," Kurt said shrugging but his hopeful eyes gave him away. He wanted to write the letters, wanted to know more about Blaine and feel like he had a secret. It was far easier to explain feelings and share secrets through writing anyway and it would be fun.

"Ok," Blaine said, hope reaching his eyes too, "Do we need ground rules?" He smiled.

"Yeah, I think so," Kurt said, thinking, "I mean what if one of us reveals a secret that we don't want the other to refer to when we see each other face to face? What if someone wants to stop?"

"Well we'll still be friends face-to-face too right?" Blaine said, suddenly feeling stupid, "I mean we'll still talk?"

"Oh yeah definitely and I think we need to be real friends Blaine, you need to talk to me more often!" Kurt laughed, "No need to be so shy now."

"Ok, ok," Blaine said blushing, suddenly remembering the secrets he had revealed to Kurt, the love expressed on occasion, the staring at Kurt and how he made him feel. He was glad that Kurt still hadn't mentioned any of that. He wasn't ready and it dawned on him that Kurt was also the only one at school that knew he was gay.

"So we'll talk face-to-face and only talk about our letters when the other expresses that wish in one of their letters? Nothing that is mentioned in the letters needs to be mentioned if we don't want it to?"

"Yeah I guess…" Blaine said, sure that the rules seemed ridiculous. "I don't mind you mentioning things if we're alone though," he continued. Kurt nodded in agreement.

"Same places for the letters?" Kurt said laughing.

"Yeah I like the piano," Blaine said smiling. "Do you think great letter writers had these discussions?" Blaine said after a while. "Like Beethoven to his immortal beloved or Oscar Wilde to his Bosie? They wrote letters because that was the only way to communicate. I feel like we're spoiled for choice these days, so many ways to communicate so many things to say but through letters is the best I think." Blaine finished with a blush to his cheeks and Kurt could feel his heart soar and ache with need. Need for this boy that had accidentally come into his life. Need for secrets and knowledge of someone without misreading and misunderstandings. The thought of continuing to write to Blaine made him feel alive.

"I think it will be beautiful," Kurt said, being completely serious but laughing with Blaine nonetheless as they finished their coffees as the sun set outside the little coffee shop in Lima.